Terminal Coping

[Anne Bonny]

Clarification...never ending coping. I have K.D.Lang's award winning hit in my head "constant craving". It is true through everything in life we do seem to all have some form of deep discontent in life. Lang is a practicing Buddhist after writing the song so she later added it relates to samsara the cycle of birth and death. Basically she states she wrote the song from the perspective of desire and longing. For myself I seem to desire something that I can never be. I can never be a woman as natal women are. Unfortunately for myself It is like having a chronic disorder...probably is. I want something I cannot ever have....I was born as I am...and I have never really been satisfied with it and I just keep on wanting what I cannot ever have. It is like having an addiction...I am sure it is...it is like a craving.

You know...you cannot live life fixated on who you might be! That just will not do! No one does that...rather. they just live their life and who they are really never even comes to mind at all! We are oblivious to all of that. Getting up....we just get up....etc.... I suppose we do when grooming, deciding what we should wear...then do the finishing touches on our look before stepping out and that's about it...isn't it? Yep! We may on occasion admire how we look, or how our partner looks...might feel nice about it but that is it...the proper perspective on it all. Yeah...that's all true but I do like crossdressing even so and it is something I can and will never ever be able to shake because it is part of who I am inside every day all the time!

Is it something more...I mean this is who I am. I purchased a personal Hair Laser $115. but have been afraid to use it because I am out in the sun everyday even covered with zinc....Afraid of post inflammatory hyperpigmentation....I do not want facial hair, my body hair is kind of sparse so like any woman occasional hair removal is not really a burden it takes time to grow back.

I take saw palmetto supposed to benefit the prostate but also act about 30% effectively as propecia...Propecia can lead to or cover up the development of aggressive prostate cancer or I would have bought some OTC. I also want some enhancement of my breasts and the cancer risk is the same. I could add fennel seed or capsules which are most likely not effective and no real research has been done on breast enhancing supplements.

As I say I was born as I am and I have never really been satisfied or particularly liked being a man and cannot help wanting what I can never have. Not in the way women are who they are...they were born into it with their fine featured petite lithe bodies to all that being a woman is cycling, hormones, emotions, cannot have sex without thinking I could get pregnant and then into pregnancy, childbirth after birth nursing, babies and all of the strains and stresses of balancing multiple responsibilities at once...multi-tasking.... Why do I want so much what I cannot have? I do not know...only that I have never really been enthused with having to be the man and bear what men are burdened with...the rough, dirty, and competitive world of work to support our families...I have never enjoyed this role. But Women are expected and many of them do it all!

Oh well...yeah constant craving has always been and for myself always will be.