Gaw I am so confused

[Anne Bonny]

Here I am in a pretty sundress and my greek sandals, jewelry and make up...didn't start out that way. I did sleep in a simple summer nightgown so maybe I did. But I got up and did all I would normally do and dressed as a guy. I want to have my hair cut until I feel like a girl and get dressed and then love having hair that is long enough to blow out on cool setting and it looks wonderful. Did not start out with make up but once in my dress I saw even not styled my hair was pretty and feminine and noticed with make up I would look very feminine it would transform me into a woman...it really does. Forms in the pockets I fixed inside the bodice of this dress because you cannot wear a bra in a sundress with just thin straps. I think about removing the pretty light blue nail polish from my toes...but once in my dress am glad I have not and do not want to. It is as if I am trying to live my life at times male, until at times I am a girl and cannot do anything but be one. I am a widow and I am lonely. A woman down the street and around the corner up inside a very close neighborhood has called and messaged me...how can I do this ... I am so alone...she would sail with me, states she would like to go hike some trails ...her idea... once the weather is cooler. She is taller than myself, but gaw if she knew I am as much like a girl as she, would I am sure no longer be tentatively contacting me. I do not believe there is any strong attraction between us...but enough is there perhaps desperation or just being friendly that she reaches out on occasion. Invited me over for thanksgiving year before last. She is an artist, has a lodger who I believe must be a lesbian or a woman who has no interest in men one or the other. Her mom moved here from California as she did. I have been like this my entire life. I have lived as the husband, had a career, education was a son (who from age nine secretly always crossdressed when I was able). As a husband I was a husband for the first 7 years of our marriage but eventually my inner femininity began to assert itself again and my wife was able to understand and allow it under certain rules. I am a girl and I will be a girl until I die it is something permeating throughout all of who I am inside. Though I lean into my male and at times feel this is it and I can put my feminine behind me but I have never ever been able to do this...just like this morning and I am happy as I am sitting here as a woman. I have never been able to figure out a way ... well I do know the only way is to find a woman who is attracted to every bit of who I am inside and out. Why do the vast majority of people have a strong mind set thoroughly against all who are as we are? Why can we not live and be loving partners and live our lives happily together? So many women just cringe and their mindset is hostile...fear? feel nauseated? They have been brainwashed and their mind is set against us. Yet wouldn't we make really wonderful partners. They are always complaining about how men dominate them and abuse them and want to be taken care of on and on and on...So I do not understand why a man/woman like myself would not be their perfect partner...someone who does not do all that the typical man would do to or expect of them or who would treat them badly? I can see us loving and being true partners in every way. I do everything any woman does, I do not expect her to do anything for me. Sometimes I dress and do fill out the image of a man for any and all occasions and am able to do all any man does cars, lawn, repairs etc, the finances...Even in the bedroom I can be very conventional but I also do desire being the woman taking charge half the time. I do desire all any woman desires of her husband in the bedroom... What a madness of mind to have to live with a mind as mine has always been. Far from gender reassignment surgery...I fantasize about it, had my ears pierced which for myself was a big and permanent sign to others about my gender. I shave my legs and groom female...even purchased an expensive laser so that I could go about decreasing my facial hair substantially but am afraid to use it due to the risk of hyperpigmentation...I am out in the sun every day though I do use zinc sunscreen when the sun is out. I take saw palmetto...and pulled out my fennel seeds to crunch on like a supplement....the risk there is prostate cancer and any even modest increase in fat on my breasts is not going to happen from supplementation. The only safe way would be to have implants very very expensive... why do I want or fantasize when at other times ... no I would not desire these!? I believe I could see having very modest gynecomastia perhaps A cup sized breasts would make me happy and not prevent my being a man with a t shirt on at the beach or in the pool. SEE HOW VERY CONFUSING ALL OF THIS IS!? I am not able to commit! A friend thinks that deep inside I believe there is something wrong with being who I am... which is why I am never able to come out. I believe I am kind of partially out. I am not ashamed but must be if I would not get in my Explorer with my purse to go walk around the casino. There is no good trying to figure me out or trying to advise me I have always been stuck right where I am. But I do believe if a woman could love all of who I am I would be so very estatically and thoroughly happy for the rest of my life.

[KimberlyS]

Anne, I have this shirt that says "The Confusion is Real". And it really can be real. All of us struggle with this part of us. I know you have said you went to a few professional counseling sessions and then quit because you thought you could fix yourself, or how ever you put it. You are retired and I am going to assume over 60. My question to you is, you have got to this point in your life with you fixing yourself for 60 plus years, and you say you are still confused, maybe you need some help. If you have not fixed this confusion in 60 plus years, maybe time to give a professional more than a few sessions to help. IMHO a few sessions is just getting started.

Food for thought.

Kimberlys

[Noeleena]

Hi ,

Well to day has been a bit busy,i had with us my next door close woman friend and her mate plus my friend a guy, a truck and heavy trailer to pick up a Metal Lathe so a week before we did the same thing plus a 7 foot high Band sew and a 20 ; wide sanding machine all heavy weight,s much like what i am used to working with in the cabby and joinery shop,s

Since i,m the one in charge i made trollys and redesigned a 15 ton floor jack now you all will be saying oh guys work well not so for those who dont know i,m a female and yes still order men around this is my domain with machinery, what i,m used to some 50 odd years of .

The point is because i.m the machinist i know what i,m doing i still wear the skirt on the job no makeup apart from eye brow liner and lippy yes muck on my hands oil gresse and all the gear we use is heavy, now we uplifted the machinery from our school i went to see our women in the office and have a talk with them plus the caretaker,s and other staff grounds men and tractor driver,s plus a few of the young lads and some times girls from our other school you see i am well known so no matter where i go i,ll be talking to some one .

This is real life with real people there is no pretence no makeup no trying to be other than i am people and friends all know i,m a machinst and did building work light engineering and heavy gear maintanice
this is allso part of my life ,

Being a female i have not made up a story to make out i have allways just lived my life as many women do , i do know many men who wonted to be like women made up storys about them self s and lied about the real who they are, remember their background will follow them and one day they will be hung out to dry = face the facts of their life is a sham i worked in the male world and i was never a male i had and still do have abnormalitys well is how i was born i live with it i,m not changing it i have desire,s and needs like most women if they are not met tough i still live my life i,m not going to keep that as what my life is about infront of me i look ahead bugger the past i can use the past to make sure my future is there for me to live .

If i keep dragging my past up and make that what is importaint what would happen to me i would not be alive ,,,,,i,ll say it i got off my bum and bloody well walked out the door and told people this is who i am and how i will be dressing i am a female and i,m going to live my life how i was born though many people knew i dressed in male clothes and did not even think i could or was a female most know the truth,

The fact remains ,you get one go.....if you dont Walk out the door as how you wont or need to be time will pass you and it will be to bloody late, hey i,m bloody tough when i need to be and i was to be able to get where i am NOW...hard yes i did not know who was going to scrap me or tell me i was a fool or decry me because they did not know my background most never knew sod all about me because i had to keep quiet and when the time came for me to step out i did and never doubted myself ever,

Being born a female has many pitfalls and area,s of life that are a risk women will tell you just the same as i am we dont have an easy life is not allways nice i wont yet could tell you a lot of what we go through, and is not funny it pulls us down so low at times we wonder will we ever get back up. i know what it does to us been through it,

For me the rag,s i wear are not what makes me who i am i could wear what the film stares wear does it change me as a person .....well ....NO....they are all said and done just clothes designed for those of us who are female. for our body shape and thats it,we present our self,s for who we are, we give our selfs because is part of our nature , we love because we have Love to share, and we bring life to other,s .

we create life from our own bodys and we bring up those lifes you see what i,m saying being a female or a woman is more than just wearing sexy clothes or looking pretty,

Bluntly and to the point ....

as you can see what is happening in the world wide stage today is a force that is taking people down , their life is ended their dream,s are gone think about where you are, how much time do you have you dont have a say in this matter, you have a limited amount of time if you dont move shortly you wont be able to do as you have talked about move it dont say any thing just do what you wont to .....................NOW.....................friends yes and who are they do they really care a damn what you wear ....NO.....if they are friends they will remain if not were they real...... friends ... doubt it, so what can you lose,,,,,,nothing,

.....................JUST................you may ..................get to live .................LIFE ..............


...noeleena...

[Anne Bonny]

I came across an article ....I had been trying to search I am discontent with being a man...or I do not like being a man. I believe there is truth in that. That and...there is this something else inside of me that has always been there. So...because I am like this and wear what I desire I am not being who I am!? I am not sure about you but you state you were born and are a female...but because we happen to incline in your direction it is all about the clothing!? I don't think so. I came across Eddie Izzard... who states I am an action tranvestite! He is a comedian who also advocates for total clothing freedom! That and this article I came across argues that transvestites are people too! arguing that the few of us out there while just like anybody else are arguing for our freedom, our freedom of expression, and for equality because we as men are very limited by society in multiple ways that women are not and that this is not fair! This article argues that we need to be completely free of these stupid limiting constraints placed only on men! We only want the freedom that is our right to have. Here is this article link ...crud, it's gone was a day or so back. It was about this man who is a transvestite and who is just living his life...

Do I really need psychological help? Well, I have seen a couple psychiatrists one in my opinion was guilty of malpractice who obviously did not approve, told me I should move to New Orleans and took personal phone calls during time that was being paid for!!! The Psychologists all use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy....which should be called shooting from the hip therapy. They listen then offer suggestions ...go do X...It has really shown me that this mental health field ...well if you have a severe problem like schizophrenia, manic depressive disorder...they can medicate it and adjust and try different things...depression too....I suppose if you are obsessive compulsive...there are things. But one even told me he would help me do what ever I wanted ...I was trying to stop being who I am...ha! I got a book to read on will power and boom pretty much fixed! NOT! There was a lesbian psycologist using CBT...and was telling me I could come dressed....I really liked her but her and her partner got the hell out of Mississippi which she stated was not open minded or friendly in general to those who are different. I could take another shot in the dark. But all I really need is the right woman....someone similar to my wife in terms of personality, her interests etc but who would also love all of who I am...If I could find that I believe I would be estatically happy for the rest of my life...it is really all that I want to just be able to live and be who I am and to do for my partner all that she needs and to make her happy as we travel and go places together....

[Noeleena]

Evening Anne.

I,ll address the clothing , i wore mens clothes for allmost all my working life this is why i was seen by most as a male i hated male clothes , because of that i wore short,s all year round, when i went out i was in shorts and if i had to dressup a bit i wore cord,s - longs, they were uncomfortable they sort of fitted and knicker,s i hated them the most uncomfortable rags i had, My Mom brought all my clothes as i refused to, now shoe,s and boots oh so different i was the one looking and buying, or the motor bike gear .lol,s oh yes.

It took many years to find our Scottish clan,s colours , had i i would have worn our Kilt never mind did not happen ,

and strangely i did not wont to wear female clothes so clothes were not an importaint item in my thinking being a female its expected we do wear what is designed for us okay i have no issue with that , so lets look at 1400 to 1700 Renaissance times and what men and women wore do the history look it up in there is the answer for you as to what every one was wearing and who looked the most lovely unless you were the queen or high up, we were in rags or well below plain till we rebelled and took details in to our own hands and defied the queens check that out, and tell me what you find .

Clothes are no more than just to cover our bodys and keep us warm.or the sun or in some country,s we are in the nudy and thats no big a deal apart from the money makers and fashion and who is that for,

Yes i was born a female yet that did not give me what my body missed out on born incomplete, oh well tough at least i have a life that is full fun enjoyable and very interesting and Different i,m not boring , how would i have been if being born 100 % complete, done what most women have done and do. yes i would have carried on and would never have known any different well my world was turned upside down and this is how it is and again i dont know any different i am how i am and i,ll never complain as no reason too i,m happy ,

Okay do you really ...NEED... some one to make you happy , i learnt a lot from Jos = Jocelyn = female she taught me many things and one was Jos wonted me to fullfill her, this took many years to work out , so i would consider this over many years, and i found out what was meant .
I could not make her happy i could not fullfill her, why,,,because she was the only one who could do that it came down to this, had to come from with in ....HER... not some thing from out side her, or another person ,

Contentment comes from with in being happy is about you and your disposition , about you the person and who you are, if you expect another to make you happy then you are putting on some one else a burden that she may not be able to bear or fullfill and this allso say,s you wont be happy unless she can do it. you must take full responsiblity for you self , please dont put on another what must come from you.

If i find a guy to be with me i would not expect him to make me happy i am any way, i would not expect from him to fullfill me and who i am no way, no doubt i would be with him in allmost every thing i may please him in sexual matter,s and give him in part what he needs i can not fullfill him ,

I have learned that many men have expections of us - females in the sexual area and some of us can not live up to those expections , is a fact of life and yes is a part of mine i,m very open about it and have nothing to hide, and i,m not trying to be other than who i am real life real love,

...noeleena...

[Anne Bonny]

I have felt this way my entire life. It’s as if both genders are blended inside me and I may relax into one or the other. I love being able to express who I am free of controversy and judgement at home. It is not really fair that I have not been able to live my life openly, free of rejection and all kinds if baseless judgement in public. Some men and women just happen to be this way it is not contagious! We cannot bear being confined to expressing only part of who we are inside. We express from what we feel within our self…that is all there is to it and from there go about our day. So depending on how I may feel I may grab whatever I might like to wear...usually guy clothes...but I have the equivalent of all of those in female attire too....shorts, t shirts sandals or flip flops or running shoes, slacks, jeans, then dressier stuff dresses and skirts and tops....

When I was young I had Mom and Dad there and yeah I would go sail, or see a movie or go to school...they were there to talk to and to share ideas, opinions, get advice. still I was lonely....once I married I had someone there all the time to do the same with and we would do most everything together and enjoyed sharing experiences together and that is what I am missing so badly. When you lose everyone who was in your life everyday and no longer have anyone to lay down with at night you feel so isolated...like a hermit and naturally .... doing anything seems to not be worth while because there is no one to share anything with. I use FB and FB messenger and have a friend, and a couple more distant. people I dance with in dance class but those are just acquaintances we meet for class then leave I am older so blah!
I have sisters and sons but they have their own lives and only one son lives within 30 minutes of me but he works and has little time having a family of his own.

So yeah I have to find happiness some how within myself and not having what I had I am missing that like crazy and it would tend to make anyone sad I think and feel kind of like it is hopeless. Add in being different...as I am then comes even more difficulty in ever finding anyone at age 63 though I am in very good shape and healthy far as I know.

It has been 29 months since I lost my wife, the great love of my life forever....This grief thing is a horrible thing but I am finally to the point that I am frustrated and trying to think "what can I do today!?" That I waste days and days of my life is really flipping me out. I am trying to think to myself what can I go do? Are there any people out there that might want to go do things together? Well I take dance lessons...I am a father. I am a brother and uncle. All well and good but I need to make connections and friends in the hope of finally maybe coming across someone...a nice woman who would like me so much she would want to be a committed friend to get together with and spend time here or at her home and to go places with.... that Is my dream. now if she is going to be open enough of mind not to be shocked when I am fem and prettier that would be out of this world I would be so ecstatically happy.

[Amanda R]

Anne speaking as a therapist don't waste your time or money going to see a therapist! Don't know if you have ever known an alcoholic or an addict however everyone knows you cannot help them until they are ready to be helped. The same is true for anyone considering therapy. Unless you are ready to be helped even the greatest therapist cannot help you.

You mention seeing a seeing "a couple of psychiatrists." Not sure that is what you need. A psychiatrist is called for if you are suffering from a situation requiring medication be it depression, bipolar disorder, even in some cases schizophrenia or paranoia for a psychiatrist can prescribe proper medication a psychologist can't. Being transgendered, and I am using transgendered in the clinical sense which includes everything from crossdressers to GAS candidates, is not something that cannot be "treated" by medication or "conversion" therapy regardless of what some say. It is just what you are. Same as being gay or left handed, you are born that way.

As a therapist specializing in gender issues, an easy choice being transgendered myself, I have had more than one client like you. You have all the answers and only looking for someone to reinforce them not probe to find the answers that are best for you. Yes sometimes the client has properly diagnosed the issue and is looking for the best way to proceed however I have also seen clients come in with the attitude "I know best" now just sign the papers so I can have my surgery and oh by the way can you recommend a surgeon? Which you are I have no idea nor should any therapist until they hear the whole story and your feelings.

You talk about finding a woman who can accept both sides of you, Speaking as transwoman I can identify with that as can probably every trans individual. Someone who can see through the façade and stereotypes of what you are or in my case what you were to who you are. It is not an easy task for anyone for seeing with one's eyes and mind is a lot easier than seeing with one's heart. I cannot speak for everyone here however most I know will tell you those people are out there. Yes there are many who cannot and fear of rejection is IMO the reason most don't tell. My question to you is what have you done to find this "special" woman?

As I said in my first paragraph don't waste your money or time or for that matter the time of a therapist. You believe you have all the answers and from this and other posts of yours nothing is going to change your mind at this point in time. However when you are ready to seek answers and the best path forward for you and go deeper than you seem prepared to do so currently do seek professional help but not before.

[Anne Bonny]

Thank you, Amanda.

I have thought and thought and thought turning all of this over and over and over in my head. I think I have progressed a certain amount. I would not want to waste a psychologists time. I hope for some magical answer to it all...for the clouds to part and that ray of clarity to come down into my mind. Well it is good to know the problem is with me believing I have all of the answers. I do not...but I suppose subconsciously I do very much and just cannot see that. I want but as you say I am probably not ready to lay myself into someone's hands and listen and do as guided. Do I want the answer? Am I ready for it!? Your take is that I am not.

Yes I was directed to the psychiatrists for depression and one just wanted me to pay her ...took calls during time I had paid for, told me she could prescribe an anti depressant if desired...she then strung me along for several months...maybe she had my number and decided it was fair to use me for income since she knew I was not ready!? Malpractice...so I cut it off and quit going to her. The Psychologists using CBT and one actually told me he would help me do whatever I wanted to try to quit (though he told me very very few are able to), or to advance. One lady encouraged me telling me she had clients who were coming dressed...but she moved I believe I connected with her more than with any of them. She was a lesbian and she and her partner departed this backward area for colorado I believe. I have been considering returning to therapy. So your advice is helpful. Until I am ready to come out to everyone in my life and to go out the door...there is really no point. I am ruled by an older sister from the dark ages of the 1950s religious mindset...that would be really a see you later kind of thing, the other sister I believe would probably just keep distance but still maintain contact and both sons are uncomfortable with it maybe because I am uncomfortable with myself!?

So...suppose I will be stuck in this "pergatory" (I am not Catholic, or really religious anymore at all) and will be in this horrible state until I die alone.

I am reaching out socially...If I meet any woman who seems ... you can tell somewhat...to be someone who would accept me then I will tell her. until then I make girlfriends but keep it mostly to myself. My entire life would I believe be solved If I could find the right woman and everything in my life would be righted again. Thanks

[Diana Michelle]

Anne you missed the point of Amanda's response IMO. Tough love is many times confused with sarcasm or whatever. She was not telling you you have all the answers or that you are completely off base rather offering an opinion that it never hurts to seek assistance in fighting one's way through this jungle we call life. You just have to do so willingly and with the right outlook.

Because of what is currently going on in my life as well as the effects of the coronavirus and the accompanying "lockdown" I recently starting seeing a therapist again, the 4th time I have sought help coping. Am I crazy? No though I am sure there are more than a few who would disagree. If for no other reason I am doing it because it helps to talk with someone detached from the situation for another point of view or reinforcement or both.

[Anne Bonny]

Thanks Diana. I am glad you have not abandoned me in exasperation...I should expect that from many. Uh...just completed another post... under coping: A traveler through life and death... That cousin in law I talk to...who should by rights also be exasperated with me but she seems to stick with me like glue. She is encouraging me to seek a TG dating site, or even a Dom/sub site!???? gaw! because it is not whips and chains or torture, and can be as mild as the kind of loving relationship I desire where we switch back and forth? sigh...who knows. I will keep seeking out social activities and taking care of myself and kicking my backside out that door to go get involved in things. But such sites may be the ONLY way realistically to improve my chance of finding someone? I do not know.

OK I consider myself nudged back into considering counseling again...thanks And I hope you find peace in your life with whatever is troubling you. Anne

[Diana Michelle]

The day I give up is the day I let some guy lay me 6 feet under and shovel dirt in my face and that applies to all my passions. We have all our moments and sometimes other obligations take precedence but IMO if we lose touch with what we are passionate about we may as well as just lay ourselves 6 feet under and tell that guy "Go ahead and shovel that dirt in my face."

I am not sure a TG dating site is the answer for you Anne for at least the ones I am aware of are more where men seeking a TG go. As for dom/sub dating sites whatever blows your dress up! Not my thing so I know nothing of them but like with any dating site take what people put in their profiles with a grain of salt and for God's sake any first meeting needs to be in a very public place! Not saying there are nice people out there but one can never be too careful.

Do not let me, Amanda, or anyone else push, shove, cajole, or even nudge you into therapy for that needs to be your and only your choice. As Amanda said no one can help you until you are ready to be helped however when that time comes should it ever go in with questions, an open mind, and the desire to find answers not reinforcement.

[Anne Bonny]

This is all very complicated. but this married with children niece of my wife 30 years younger than I am and I have been messaging about everything for 8-9 years and have become really close as friends...I feel no difference in our ages, I just feel she is a friend...it is so very good to have this in my life! I have helped her and she has helped me and we have kept up a relationship as friends all of this time. Hence she probably knows me more than anybody in my life. To go through all of this would be much much more than anyone here would be interested in reading.
She has explained to me that BDSM has a huge range and the elements of this kind of relationship can exist in the bedroom without the B or the M so that the D and the s become that of a normal husband wife relationship. In my case because I am a switch...meaning I tend to sway like a pendulum between settling and relaxing into my male....to moving fully into my female, this means that I can feel more dominant or submissive depending of where I am inside. Because I do not want to be with a man, but want a woman to do to me what a man does to women that this is what makes me part of the bdsm community because no woman is going to want to do this except a woman who is into bdsm. While it is true that women some have no problem and do go up top and love their husbands on occasion that's entirely inside of a normal sexual relationship, but when the partner is MTF and is also submissive sexually at such times and desires to be "pegged" by a woman wearing a harness with the appropriate means to do so attached... as a possibility on occasion (the rest would be her on top occasionally consistent with what women would occasionally do when up top with their husband for those willing and desiring to do this...this takes it into the realm of bdsm because this is not normal and requires equipment be used and that no normal woman would desire to do this otherwise even if occasionally. The rest of the time when I am in my male I am a conventional heterosexual male and also when it comes to intimacy wanting to love my woman. To find a woman who is a switch who can be dominant and in the man's role in loving her man as her wife who enjoys being a woman during intimacy as well...submitting as a bottom and wanting that can only be found in a woman who is in that community. This also does not imply that I want her fully in control so that I must comply completely with her will....Is a wife who enjoys and desires her husband being on top loving her as she is carressed and driven to ecstacy as she yields to his love for her totally out of control? Nope. As a woman I want what a woman wants as best I can experience that without GRS. Because I do sway back and forth I am probably not and never will be a candidate for transition. And my neice inlaw who knows me very well has confirmed from all she has observed that this is exactly who I am, and that this is perfectly ok. I add a bit of this morning's conversation. I told her that in a very real sense...she has been or has acted as my psychologist and has done better than any psychologist I have tried.

Me:For my part I am finally comfortable that this is all ok.

F: You know yourself better than most
You know what you want

me: Years of soul searching


F: You are someone who is back and forth
A switch


F: You are both dominate in ways and submissive, a switch. Yes
Many people are both
You can be both as you are both now.

me: Its true
And stop agonizing about it simply "Be".


F: I think your confusion comes in with the idea that you have to be one or the other. You simply don't have to be one or the other.

me: I am a girl when I am...and I am a guy kind of when I am. Got it.

It is nice in this new frame of mind, to actually get to be who I am. I just still wish I were brave enough to accept that my life and many relations would change but that would be because they are seeking to enforce their world view as gate keepers regarding what is to be granted acceptance and what is to be punished and pushed to the shadows as scum by their definition.

I'm not scum!!! I am every bit the person that I have always been but I am not to be allowed expression of who I am inside!

They want to keep us literally, out of view. There is an argument going on at present over their having the right to do this.

The more difficult thing are the gate keepers and the gate keeping they violently seek to do within our family and our personal life!

The neighbor, the sister, the dance instructor, and acquaintances who withdraw association from us.
Because I wear a "bra"... I mean because of who I am inside and out as a person. Though all of who I have always been is still the same. It is just this hidden aspect that I desire to no longer hide...this small truth will lead many in my life to withdraw.

So I feel and am female inside and it is expressed in how I dress and look...what difference does that make!? Oh it is a threat to how everyone sees the world including children who will grow up without thinking anything about this is wrong because it isn't! So we are to be salt to irritate and to bring this change until our world comes that fully accepts us as much as sexual preferences are gaining acceptance until people no longer care anymore.
That is how it should and will be as long as humankind continues to survive. It will be hard still for those like myself because creating change is always hard.

[Diana Michelle]

If God and I wanted life to be simple we would have made it that way.

So glad you have someone to talk to about things be it your being TG or recipes. I have always found it helpful to talk things through with someone else for a second take on a situation be it reinforcement or I am way off base in my thinking or somewhere in the middle. The person I turn to most as a sounding board generally lets me talk it through then will give her opinion but always reminding me it is my choice to make. It has been posted elsewhere here by several but I agree that the absolute worst decision one can make is not to make a decision.

As with most alternative lifestyles including being transgendered there are varying levels of actions and participation in the BD/SM community from my limited knowledge of it. It can range from a simple spanking fantasy to full out complete submission. You are a big girl Anne but I would be remiss if I didn't tell you to step very carefully should you opt to take this path. Be sure you spell out very precisely the rules as you desire them and whoever your partner is agrees to them completely with out reservations or additions.

Anne IMO you are basically heterosexual with a bisexual curiosity. Granted a bit different in being a man at least physically you desire a woman to take you there but not a lot of different in you wish to be the one who is taken rather than being the taker. Whether that first time ever leads to a steady diet of it remains to be seen. I am not judging the sincerity of your desires here but as they say "sometimes the grass is greener on the other side but sometimes it is not."

OK now let's address some of your comments, First off no you are not scum! You may have a differing outlook from the norm but that doesn't make you wrong and them right. I have a friend who drinks beer with tomato juice in it. Personally I think EWWWWW but that doesn't make her scum or even wrong, just her. Yes there are those who want to keep us from view however while perhaps more verbal they are in a decreasing minority according to the surveys I have seen over the years. There was a time when people cohabited unmarried they justified it by saying they were in a "common law marriage". Today it is "Yes we live together, what of it?" Yes there are some who will resort to violence to keep us hidden away but there are also wife beaters and violent rapists out there women have to fear every day of their lives. Yes you need to be careful out there but are you willing to let a few bullies tell you how to live your life? People tend to associate with others of like interests and thoughts. Yes there may be some who "withdraw" because of your beliefs and desires but do you really want to associate with them? My advice here is say "Oh well" and go find the crowd that doesn't shrink away from you because you may have a few alternative ideas.

That leads us to your comment you "wear a "bra" ... Because of who I am inside and out as a person." Allow me to say here I can understand to most CDs a bra is the ultimate badge of femininity. Was there once myself. I cannot speak for all women here but at least for myself and the women I know I can't see the high point of our day being putting on our bra in the morning. Yes most women, myself included, wear a bra everyday, though that number may be lower currently with the number still working from home, but we wear it for a reason. It may be support, comfort, looks, modesty, or even just because it is expected we wear one but there is a reason. I am sure I am not the only woman who has had times can barely wait to get home if I wait that long to take my bra off. Trust me here especially on a hot humid day liberating doesn't even come close to describing how good it feels!

We have discussed this before Anne but here I go again! You have a desire or fantasy or whatever you want to call it. We have all had them over the years and at least on my part I have acted to fulfill mine for the most part. So what are you doing to make your desires a reality? I can appreciate with the current pandemic things are challenging to be polite. Still sitting around and thinking about what you want but never acting on it can and in many cases does lead to depression. Going to leave you with a quote from the "Bible of the Alternative."

Regardless of where you desire to go or how long that journey is you will never get there until you take the first step

Book of Diana 10:2

[Anne Bonny]

Well St. Diana... I said bra...but really meant it to represent everything. True...and sadly being how I have always been I do not really need to wear one for support, I suppose like women who are flat chested...sadly for them but my "breasts" still mean as much to me as to them and I do think of them in this way....

We have also been talking for years... and you have been and still are still another source of guidance for me. I was challenged to take that first step...

I know who I am...and my niece in law has told me that I know myself more than any man she has ever known. I know who I am, I do enjoy and like who I am and I have been who I am my entire life...it has taken years to finally realize that there is nothing wrong with me. I also know that I cannot become a partner with any woman unless she is able to love me enthusiastically in every way. As I did for my wife I would lay down my life for such a woman.

I cannot really find that woman without telling women I may feel are a possibility ...a feeling of attraction..to looks, a feeling our ages are in the right proximity, we are healthy, and share many interests and share views and personalities...

Yep...I am the one who has to make the next step in my journey which is the first step into living openly with everyone in the world around me as a man who also is feminine inside and openly lives as a woman too as I feel lead to be by whatever feels right to me inside. I do hope I can start to make this step. I cannot really progress into living my life fully until I do.

I messaged my Niece in law just now...

You have helped me to know there is nothing wrong with me so that I am able to just be. I know any woman I may find has to be able to accept me enthusiastically there has to be that mutual attraction, disposition, personality, interests and outlook on life. Taking my first step now means living openly. I have gone outside the house in the daytime...to get the mail, resupply the squirrel feeder, put the garbage out bring them in....but only when the neighbor is gone or nowhere in sight. Been a few years since I braved Walmart to get supplies for Pat, or drive through the ATM, or through a drive through at Starbucks. These are things I should be doing without even thinking about it if I am going to live my life as I should...openly and fully out to the entire world...and those who withdraw, with a sigh, I will have to think about finding people who do not care and who will be my friend.

Of course...this is a huge step...a lot more than having pierced ears or shaved legs... this would be greeting people openly who may come to my door. Or maybe giving mail to the mail person on very rare occasion.

Living openly as a woman, being seen and thought of as a woman. Even knowing some may never see me as a man in the same way ever again...but I have always had this difference...and when in my male...hey! Yeah I was a husband, I fathered 2 sons and am a grandfather...and yes I am and do share quite a lot...most everything about being a man with other men. So they can all stuff it because I am who I am and I am both sometimes a woman...and have been so far probably mostly a man most of the time because I felt I have to hide part of who I am! It may be that with the right woman at my side we would be living together more of the time as women!? who knows.