A traveler between life and death...

[Anne Bonny]

Well you know, I am a lot like anyone who finds their self riding a roller coaster that they cannot really control. I say ok. I feel ok...and about that moment those other desires and thoughts begin to come back carrying me along and then into the feminine as they well up and strengthen. And I think ok...I feel ok...I am happy here and enjoy being who I am. I can see myself as a wife to my partner...and live out my life with everyone knowing and accepting me. At some point I begin to settle back drifting into and just relaxing into my male. I even then can believe that I can get past all of this and put it behind me but I am not able to. I believe I resist and do not like some elements of being a man.

I have been listening to several different feminization programs that relaxing I listen to again and again as feminizing affirmations. Definitely not under any hypnotic trance...maybe...there is some effect?

Thing is...I was not born as a woman but as a man. However my life has gone on from the time my eyes were opened. I have lived with this in my life from that point. I have learned and I understand it more I think. I am beginning to wonder ... aware that this is keeping me from beginning again. What woman would welcome another woman into her life to love? A woman who drifts and relaxes into a male's clothing and mind? Am I able to be a man? Hold her and caress and kiss and bed her? I still think that I can. But I also as a woman desire to be cherished caressed and bedded and loved. Yes sweet sensual submission driving me to ecstacy as a woman too.

What am I to do!? In a world like this!? With a God who condemns because it is against his will for me? And an almost certainty that I will never find a love that is close to what I had, with a woman who loves me as I am? Oh well...on with my day. yeah...God does not condemn...well there are verses that talk about those who God has given over to their lusts and desires...and then condemned them to their fate...if there is a God at all that does exist...we do seem to always search for mythological explanations that are miraculous when in truth who knows...and I do doubt these writings truly reflect anything but the spiritual imaginings of ancient peoples and the "speech" of major events are so phony "And a voice from heaven said this is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased..." Really!? that is so plastic what crap! Who knows but I doubt any of it happened like this...these are the made up enhanced writings intended to grow the faith - propaganda. I bet Jesus on the cross just said "AHHHHHHH!!!!" then bacame short of breath and died of suffocation and a heart attack as just another person running around claiming to be the massiah...only in this case he probably was who knows.

[Amanda R]

Anne I sincerely hope you took my last response in the spirit it was intended.

Everyone whether they admit it or not finds themselves on that roller coaster at one time or another. The simple pressures of day to day life, work, relationships, what is going around us on a personal level as well as a larger scale, and others all add up and even the strongest individual can and does find themselves overwhelmed at times. Each has their own coping mechanism, some more successful than others. Yes therapy can work for many but only if they go in with the right attitude and are truly seeking answers and help.

In its clinical sense transgenderism incorporates any individual from the panty wearer to those are candidates for GAS and everyone in between and IMO all can benefit from working with a therapist with the proper credentials and training. While all psychologists receive the same basic education there are many areas one can choose to specialize in as well as be a more general practitioner dealing with a multitude of clients with an array of issues. Obviously I have a prejudice to those who specialize however the most important part to success is a connection with your therapist. There is nothing wrong in interviewing a therapist prior to beginning seeing them or even after a few sessions saying "we are not on the same page" and seeking someone else. Please do not take this to mean just because a therapist doesn't tell you what you want to hear there is no connection.

Where you fall into with your level of being TG I nor any ethical therapist would offer a diagnosis or even an educated guess based on a couple of sessions let alone a few posts in an online forum. It takes time and an open dialogue to find answers. With some that can be as little as 3 or 4 sessions while with others it can take months or even longer. Each individual is unique as is each therapist/client relationship. Sometimes once a breakthrough comes everything flows smoothly other times it is like pulling teeth.

Please don't take my last post as saying you or anyone needs therapy or not for that choice is personal. It works for many but not for some however do not even consider it until you are ready. Ready to seek and accept help, ready to answer some perhaps uncomfortable questions honestly, ready to listen to others while staying true to yourself, and most importantly ready to honestly understand and accept yourself.