A Little Bit Of Me

JayDee · Post by **JayDee** » Tue Apr 06, 2004 10:42 pm

I have spent a lot of my life being me but wishing I
was someone else,I have always felt like the ugly
duckling or the odd one out,the child in the middle
who was forgotten about.I wanted to be my younger
brother who was my mothers favourite,I wanted to be my
older brother who got all the girls,I wanted my mother to
acknowledge that I was there.I wanted a hug,I wanted
someone to be proud of me,I wanted a lot of things I
never got.I wanted parents.

When I dress I am not me anymore - I am someone else.I
can forget that I am not good at anything,that I am
ugly and crosseyed.I can pretend for a while to be
desirable.When I am dressed and I look in the mirror
or I take photos I see a nice person looking back at
me - sometimes even attractive depending on the light
or the angle.I am in no doubt however that I would
never pass as a real woman nor would I want to but I
can fool myself from a distance(without my glasses).

I get a sexual kick out of wearing feminine clothes. I
enjoy the erotic feeling of putting on woman's
clothes,I like to see myself in the mirror wearing
womens clothes.When I wear womens clothes I
want to look the best I possibly can,I want my make up
to look good and my nails to look nice.I want to be
the complete opposite of the real me.I want to be
smart not scruffy,I want to be slim and long legged
not fat and slouching,I want to be soft with nice hair
instead of looking rough with short hair, I want to be
sexy and attractive even if it is only to myself.When
I am dressed I feel all of these things.

I don't dress to shock anyone or to be glamorous or
sexy.I don't do it for any reason other than to relax.
Crossdressing gets me out of myself. I crossdress to
escape from stress,when I put on womens clothes I can feel my cares and worries fading
away. Choosing underwear and putting on lipstick and
nail varnish helps me to find a different part of
myself and to forget my day to day problems.

I don't want to be female or have a sex change
operation.I am not in any doubt about my sexuality,I
am a man and I am happy as a man.I am happy being
married and being a father.I do not want to change any
other aspect of my life.Just now and then I want to be
someone else,only for a short while and escape the
stress then afterwards I can get back to being
me.

I hate it being in me sometimes, I don`t think I could
face being found out by friends, family or my
children.I don`t think I could face them if they
knew,I would be too ashamed.I am only now coming to
terms myself with what and who I am and would expect
them to be shocked and maybe even disgusted with me.I
don`t suppose I could blame themn after all it has
taken me nearly thirty years to get used to the
idea.It is only in the last few months that I could
actually admit to myself that I am a
Transvestite/Crossdresser.I am sure it will be hard
for them to understand.

This is the first time I have shared these feelings with anyone other than my wife and hopefully will give anyone who reads this a little insight to who I am and what I am about.

Joanna_S · Post by **Joanna_S** » Wed Apr 07, 2004 12:47 am

Hi JayDee!

Great story! You know, most of us share your thoughts of being somebody else when dressed. Some ladies have told that dressing can relieve physical pain so it must be a powerful force

It is good that you´ve told your wife, it makes life easier.

to the forum!

Joanna

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Wed Apr 07, 2004 1:15 am

Just now and then I want to be someone else,only for a short while and escape the stress then afterwards I can get back to being me.

Hi JayDee! Good post.

I fully understand what you are saying there, and would just like to add;
That someone else you want to be ,only for a short while, it is you.
It is part of what makes you who you are, it is part of the complete package.

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Wed Apr 07, 2004 5:25 am

Hi JayDee,

Welcome to the forum. You will get much support here.

You are accepted, you're not weird and we're honored you joined.

Beauty

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Wed Apr 07, 2004 4:20 pm

Hi JayDee'
I think what you may hear a lot of from your sisters here say "been there - done that." I think most of us gleen a bit of comfort from our animna. It took me a "lifetime" to come to grips with myself. I repressed "Deborah" for quite a while, but when I finally let her out - I want ot kick myself for not letting her out earlier. Now, like you when I look in the mirror I don't see a guy dressed in woman's clothes I see a pretty girl "Deborah" with needs, desires , wants and we are working on merging our personalities and making an even better person. I highly recommend you go to the following site, print it off (all eight pages) and read it, several times if necessary, I know it has helped me and a lot of your sisters here say the same thing. The let us know what you think.
http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepage ... /anima.htm
This is called Jung's Anima Theory and How it Realtes to Crossdressing I know you will enjoy it.
Love,
Deborah

GalicianGirl(SO) · Post by **GalicianGirl(SO)** » Wed Apr 07, 2004 5:56 pm

Hi JayDee,
A Great Big Welcome To You!!! Glad you decided to join our little group!!!

I really enjoyed reading your story!!!

Sharon(SO)

JayDee · Post by **JayDee** » Wed Apr 07, 2004 8:34 pm

('..o)..')Thank you all for the warm welcome,everything I wrote above was absolutely how I feel and after reading many of the posts on this board I realise now I am not alone and nor do I have anything to be ashamed of.

I do however understand that not everyone in this world is so accepting of people who do not follow a "normal" path and this still fills me with fear of being discovered by anyone other than my wife.

I am happier now having got things off my chest and am feeling more positive about things in general.

This board looks as though it could be a valuable source of information and support to me and I hope to be around on a regular basis.

Ricci · Post by **Ricci** » Wed Apr 07, 2004 10:47 pm

Hi JayDee

A big welcome to the forum. I too am a newish member and have so much positive support from these fantastic sisters. Please continue to share... you are among friends!

Ricci

LeftyRainbow(SO) · Post by **LeftyRainbow(SO)** » Thu Apr 08, 2004 12:47 pm

JayDee,

Your story is so important for us SO's to try to get an idea of the feelings inside of our own spouses/partners.

I thank you so much for sharing and wish all the best for you.

Did I mention that I'm also glad you're here?

Lefty

CJ · Post by CJ » Fri Apr 09, 2004 5:20 am

Hi all,

JayDee,

Welcome to the forum!

That was a very moving post, up there. I know exactly how you felt as a youngster (I used to think of myself as a monster of some sort and also, for a time, did everything I could to just get the hell away from myself--an impossibility, I eventually realized).

I think you'll find your experience mirrored here, on this board. You're not alone (and never were, really). I hope what you find here will help you flourish and lead you to love and cherish who you are because (with apologies to L'Oréal) you're worth it.

Love,
CJ

Kersten Lee · Post by **Kersten Lee** » Fri Apr 09, 2004 6:29 pm

JayDee,

Hi, I too have felt what you have. Fear of being who we are is a
terrible thing. I suffered terribly for 40+ years. Members here
are wonderful. I'm better than ever but still do get a little
depressed at times. I still do get feelings of fear. Sharing with
others has helped a lot and I am real happy you decided to share
with us. Hope to hear from you again soon.

Kersten

Stephanie Higgins · Post by **Stephanie Higgins** » Mon Apr 12, 2004 11:33 pm

Welcome to forum I am sure that you will love it!!
WOW!! I hope that you feel better now that you are here

Steph

Kyra · Post by **Kyra** » Sun Apr 18, 2004 2:16 pm

Hi Jaydee,
Welcome to the forum. This is a great site for support. People are very accepting and encouraging. Come on in, the water's fine!

I hope you enjoy being "you". You need to know that you're not alone and are facing problems that many here have faced at one time. There are plenty posts on a variety of topics. Much to read, but well worth. The SO section is available for us to review, also. (There's much insight into how they feel and deal with our CDing)

Hugs,
Kyra