Breaking the Secret

Laura · Post by **Laura** » Mon Jan 26, 2004 12:08 am

Hi all:

Well, I talked to my wife today about the big subject. I went in with the attitude of going slow and not asking for her to accept everything all at once. I began by putting it all in the context of how we could get more intimate. I told her this was not a fetish but was an essential part of my psyche, and I needed to have a way of expressing it all to feel happy. We spent a long time talking about her suggestion that I get my outlet for my feminine side by having a more feminine style of dressing in the male mode. That was her preferred solution clearly. I told her that was OK, but it was not enough to satisfy me; that it needed to extend the outlet to the clothes women wear. This went on for a long time. The talk was without any bad feelings and rational in tone. It lasted two hours. We ended it with the agreement that we would talk about these things more. It’s a good start, but for the rest of the day she talked about everything but this subject. Now, I’m still frightened, like the little child needing reassurance and not getting it, which is not a good emotional stance in which to continue this conversation. This is uncharted territory for me, totally new. But, I’m not going backwards, whatever happens.

Love to all,

Laura

CJ · Post by CJ » Mon Jan 26, 2004 12:28 am

Hi Laura,

Glad to hear you took that first big step; it's a toughie! Bravo!

I wish you both strength and courage in the days and weeks ahead.

My thoughts are with you.

Love,
Christina

Laura · Post by **Laura** » Mon Jan 26, 2004 12:37 am

Thank you, Christina. Just hearing that others care and understand means a lot. By the way, I've read a lot of your other messages. You're very kind and wise.

love,

Laura

Carol Ann · Post by **Carol Ann** » Mon Jan 26, 2004 7:48 am

Hi Laura, very good start

. Baby steps at first, you have talked. My only advice is don't push it she will say something soon. It was great to hear the tone was mellow, when my wife found out a storm rolled into town and the weather man said clear and sunny.

CJ · Post by CJ » Mon Jan 26, 2004 9:18 am

Hi all,

Laura,

Thanks for the kind words.

I should point out, though, that none of the good traits you mentioned are mine alone to have here. You'll find that most of the people on the board are generous and understanding, as well as possessed of their own brand of wisdom, some practical, some idealistic and lofty.

Also, I realize that people (and, of course, I include myself here) usually make an effort--even if subconsciously--to portray themselves in the most flattering light possible. I'm no exception, but I do have my darker moments and there are times when, still today, I feel vulnerable, misunderstood and, yes, even unloved. I try to deal with these feelings as best I can; it's all part of growing as a person.

About your own situation, like Carol Ann said, baby steps are best. Make sure that you invite your wife (and that you also allow yourself) to express and share feelings about the whole matter, not just rational thoughts. Our brain often has our mouth say things our heart hasn't had a chance to double-check yet.

Like many SOs on this board have said, you've had years to adjust to your crossdressing. Not so for her. Plus, the fact that you hadn't been more forthright with her on this before, may tend to generate some anger or resentment. Don't let that stop you, though, Laura. Just remember that she may need reassurance just as much as you do at the moment; don't begrudge her the anger she may eventually feel, but tell her also that you need to know that she still loves you for the person you are, the person she married, the person she saw herself spending the rest of her life with, in good times and in bad. Everyone's situation is different, but baby steps are usually a good thing; they make room for possible psychological and emotional adjustment.

Again, thanks for the kind words, Laura, and I wish you both the best.

Love,
Christina

Laura · Post by **Laura** » Mon Jan 26, 2004 12:42 pm

Hi all and Carol Ann and Christina,

Yes, you're right. Go slow with my wife and be patient. I will. I'll wait to hear what she has to say and not rush her. It's wonderulf to hear from others who gone through the same thing. And it's reassuring to know that others care. And thanks for the reminder that kindness and wisdom is very widespread on this forum. I trust that is true. I feel better already.

love,

Laura

Marilyn · Post by **Marilyn** » Mon Jan 26, 2004 7:13 pm

Laura:

I'm in agreement with the others, here. You have made a step in the right direction.

Though you may not have gotten the direct reassurance you were looking for, simply the fact that you spoke on the subject - for two hours - and neither of you "flew-off-the-handle" at each other, to me says a lot. I would be looking at that as (at least part of) your reassurance.

From here, as CJ and Carol Ann said, just let things be. She is most likely thinking through everything you said, forming (and reforming) ideas, opinions, feelings, and when she gets to a plateau will come back to discuss the issue more.

So long as you have objective dialogue, on the subject, I can't see how there is a negative. Maybe an SO would care to enhance - or refute - this opinion?

Good luck, sweety.

Hugs.

Marilyn · Post by **Marilyn** » Mon Jan 26, 2004 7:13 pm

Oops. Is this the forum the SO's can't post in?

Laura · Post by **Laura** » Mon Jan 26, 2004 9:14 pm

Hi Marilyn,

I liked what you wrote: "She is most likely thinking through everything you said, forming (and reforming) ideas, opinions, feelings, and when she gets to a plateau will come back to discuss the issue more." She didn't bring up the subject today, and I have just let it lay, not mentioning anything about CDing. Hopefully, things are percolating. She hasn't been angry at all, either yesterday or today. And that's a good sign.

Thanks for helping me stay positive.

Hugs back to you,

Laura

Kyra · Post by **Kyra** » Mon Jan 26, 2004 11:08 pm

Way to go, Laura !*-*
Hey Girl, I'm sooo glad you two are talking about this. It can be scary stuff!
Hang in there. As others have stated, the communication between you and your wife is very important. I know it's hard to be patient, but at this point that's probably the best thing to do. (I draw from personal experience here)

Example: I told my wife. She was okay with it. She even helped with dressing tips. We planned an outing. I bought a wig. She freaked out.

Solution: Outing postponed.

I don't look at what happened as a bad thing. Far from it. I am dying to go out, but my wife isn't ready yet. What is important is that we are talking . Understand that she has a lot to deal with.
BTW - this all happened in a three week span.
So - bottom line: I wait. Patiently. (and I'm greatful) I love my wife, and she's worth the wait

Hope this helps.

Big Hug,
Kyra

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Tue Jan 27, 2004 9:59 pm

Hi Laura--
It's a good start, and I do know about that vacuum that comes in after you've opened up a subject like this. You need continuing feedback when you've opened yourself up like this, whereas the other person needs time to digest it, think it over, and so on. Two different directions, at the beginning.

I can see that when a CD first talks to his wife, most of the benefits in the short term are on his side. It's a relief to get the secret out of the way, and begin to talk about who he really is.

In the long term, a wife can get benefits from accepting this side of us. There's more intimacy posssible, I think.

But in the short term, she has a lot of work to do in her mind, and she doesn't get much comfort from it. And...it is hard for you to really help her along in this process. You can remain very loving toward her, to let her know you're the same as you always were.

But you can't help her in her processing, and that's frustrating. She has to go at her own speed, whatever that may be. If she asks questions along the way, well, then you can help, but a lot of people don't bring up the subject again for a while. You'll just have to take it a step at a time.

Best of luck!
Anita

Laura · Post by **Laura** » Tue Jan 27, 2004 11:00 pm

Hi all:

Thank you so much, Kyra and Anita. I feel very supported.

Anita, I think what you say is very true:

“It's a good start, and I do know about that vacuum that comes in after you've opened up a subject like this. You need continuing feedback when you've opened yourself up like this, whereas the other person needs time to digest it, think it over, and so on. Two different directions, at the beginning.”

I’m trying to just be there with the (initial) disparity in needs without panicking.

And I’m also going to keep in mind Kyra’s advice: “What is important is that we are talking.” If I remember that I can keep the ups and downs in context.

Thanks again,

Love,

Laura

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Wed Jan 28, 2004 6:28 am

Hi Laura,

Great job being HONEST. The old saying, "the truth will set you free" is true. Do you feel free?

You have mega courage for coming out to your wife and putting your faith in your love for each other.

Kyra's story of her wife's acceptance, and then a wig, and the her wife panicing are very important steps to actualize in your own mind. Baby steps are important.

You seem to be very patient and that will serve you well.

If you have any questions about certain things she's doing, saying, or not saying post them. We can help and you'll most likely be posting for a lurker who's afraid to type what you've so bravely posted.

Again congrats!!!

Beauty

Marilyn · Post by **Marilyn** » Wed Jan 28, 2004 6:53 pm

Kyra wrote:I love my wife, and she's worth the wait

Just wanted to make sure Amber saw this.

Hugs.

Marilyn · Post by **Marilyn** » Wed Jan 28, 2004 6:56 pm

Anita wrote: If she asks questions along the way, well, then you can help, but a lot of people don't bring up the subject again for a while.

I know you're going to hate me, and please don't think that my case will apply to you, but I had to wait almost 2 years before she would even discuss the subject civilly.

And I'm miles away from acceptance, at this point.

But you have to try, and I applaud you, and wish you only the best.

Hugs.