The Second Chapter in this life...

[Anita]

Like many of us here, I started CDing at 12. The hormones had kicked in, but there was no way to have much contact with real girls, except talk. So I created a "fantasy girl" for myself. I borrowed from my mother, of course, and I found things from my three sisters in storage. But there were never shoes, wigs, or makeup. I never imagined going out, and I didn't feel much like a girl. It was a game of sorts.

As I started to date, the CDing receded. This does not seem to happen as we get older; dating and marriage don't make CDing go away. But it was true for me as a teen.

When I went off to college, I burned all my bridges. Dorm life was just too intimate for CDing--I didn't want the clothes around, and there was little guarantee of privacy. (I had three roommates for one year!)

For the next 31 years or so, I hardly ever CDed. I now realize how ususual that was, and I have no answers as to why it happened. If an SO reads this and wonders why her husband can't just stop like I did, I'd have to say that my experience is NOT typical. When CDing came back, it was like a tidal wave.


Not that it went away completely. I never bought any clothes, because that would have been like an alcoholic bringing home a six-pack "just in case company comes over." There was definitely temptation when I had lived with girlfriends over the years. What I did was to take those feelings and redirect them toward the girlfriend.

I now see how much of my attraction to women was wanting to be them in some way, but I didn't recognize it then. I put all my longing to act female into my attraction for the GF. While this might seem like the healthy thing to do, I'm not so sure it is I think that some of the obsessions that come up in relationships (jealousy, possession, and so on) have a lot to do with a man trying to get ALL his needs for female expression met by being with a woman. More on that later.

In my early forties, I began a relationship with a woman who I'd known for years. We'd both always been with other people during that time, but suddenly we were both single. She was everything I'd ever wanted in a woman, and for the next three years we had a wonderful time. I finally had no excuses about "if only.." I got my dreams, and this was a valuable thing. I could see what worked about the dreams, and I could also see what was never going to work.

I had told her from the beginning that I would probably not live with anyone again, until I was retired. She was OK with this for a long time, but finally insisted that she needed to do this or else. After a few months of considering it, I knew that I couldn't, and we split up.

It seemed sad at the time, but I had finally accepted my limitations. I knew I couldn't run my business, have a music career, AND have a committed relationship, and do them all well. Two major areas of life, maybe. Three major areas, and I became a stressful guy. I kept trying all those years to "have it all," and I saw that for me, it was never going to be realistic.

So what's this got to do with my CDing?

For two years after I left my girlfriend, I didn't date. I had an alcoholic friend who was unemployed, homeless, and in bad health. He was living with me, and I had to get him out on his own. Long story, and that took a year. Meanwhile, I helped form an original band that took off like a rocket. For the year after my friend left, this kept me riveted. I didn't think about much else but the band.

The band blew up, and I was suddenly on my own; no GF, no homeless friend, and no band family to be with. That's when I began to feel Anita stirring. I "discovered" her by doing some bodywork--I opened up a part of me that felt definitely female. From then on, the feeling began to grow. Some people have compared it to a drumbeat, that keeps getting louder and louder. I'd agree with that, and it's not a pleasant experience

It really scared me, but I had to explore it. It was not going away. What bothered me that most was that I begin to see that it was a package deal--not only was I going to be dressing as a woman, but I was going to go out in public as one, too.

I can't explain why this was so extreme--you would have thought I could have dressed in private again, gotten comfortable with that, and then maybe thought about going out. I didn't know anything about crossdressing, either. I knew the jokes about it, and I'd seen maybe one drag show, but it had never occurred to me that men actually went out in public as women. This was before I learned how to use the Internet. For all I knew, I'd be the only guy out there doing this. But I could see that nothing would be resolved until I did.

I did have enough presence of mind to run to a support group I found. After about three meetings, I saw that I wasn't looking to take hormones, or live full-time, and that was a relief to me. I thought about therapy, but I knew that was just a stalling tactic. I could see what I had to do.

About this time I tried another stalling tactic. I put an ad out that specified that I was looking for a woman who was also dealing with career-vs.-relationship issues. I got great responses, and settled on a Berkeley doctor who was very attractive and lively, and about my age. We met and hit it off, and arranged to meet the following week.

That's when Anita really came to the fore. I could see that I was trying to use a new relationship to distract me from having to follow through on the other "new" relationship. I had to call the woman and tell her that it wasn't going to work for me. She was disappointed, but we did spend some time as friends.

Even if I WAS going out, I had to figure out whether to tell friends and family. Once again, I couldn't see doing it slowly. I knew how much energy it was going to take to keep it a secret, and that helped make the decision. At almost 50, I needed all the energy I could get!

So I hit on the idea of performing as a drag queen, as a way of coming out. I'd always been a performer, and this would be a new act. I begin to talk about it in a light-hearted way, the way you might say, "Oh, I'm going to take up rock climbing! I want some new challenges."

I don't think anyone was fooled into thinking that this was just a new act, but we could all leave the topic at that if we wanted. This was nice, as people didn't feel obliged to ask more questions if they weren't comfortable. They could just smile and say, "That's, uh... interesting."

I was prepared to pay a high price for this, but to my surprise, it was not as bad as I'd feared. I didn't lose any family or friends. ( However, they do NOT want to be around my femme self, for the most part. I can understand that, and most of the time it doesn't bother me. )

I wish that I could use this experience to say, "Oh, come out! It's OK, people accept you!" But I'm realistic; for most of us, it's not that easy. I'm in a good position to do this, as I'm self-employed, and have no wife and no children. I'm past the point in life where I have to worry about climbing the corporate ladder.

People also give me slack because I'm a performer. This gives me a "reason" to CD, and people are always happier when they can see a logical use for something as mystifying as CDing is.

A few more things, here. I had no idea how I would look as a woman. I'd never considered it; I always assumed that I would look terrible and stupid. I look something like guitarist Keith Richards as a guy, and Keith's sharp features don't make you think of the adorable women you've known.

So in going out, I had no idea what to expect. Did people laugh at you on every block? Did they point and stare? The TG women at the support group didn't talk about this, and I had not asked. I'd never had any experience with buying clothes.

But I was motivated, and I did most of it in one day! And that night, I saw Anita in the mirror for the first time. I was amazed. At least she looked good to ME. Later I was relieved to find that she looked good to others, too. But I had no assurance that this would happen at the beginning.

I'm much happier around women now, because I no longer need them to meet all my needs for femaleness. A lot of my obsessions about women had to do with needing them to carry all the female qualities, so that I wouldn't have to express much of them myself. It's considered "normal" to be obsessed about women, and jealous and possessive. But I can now see where some of that behavior came from in me.


I found out that by going out and being the best version of a woman that I can, I get the satisfaction of giving that "gift" to men. I got the inner message that I was going to become my own "woman" for awhile. And that's what it's been for me. By giving out my ideal of a woman, I get the benefits of it myself.

That has solved a lot of long-standing problems in my life, and I can't help but be grateful for Anita's presence. Would I have made a conscious choice to be her? Probably not, but now that I'm here, I see how much I've gained by it all.
Anita

[Laura]

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your wonderful story, which is almost a capsule life history. I found a lot of parallels to my own story, which I will post pretty soon. I mean the long hiatus beetween youthful crossdressing and resuming it later in life when an "inner female" appeared. I also think there's a lot to be said for your point that men in general project their inner feminine qualities onto women, and this leads to obsessions (and also an unhealthy dependency which limits our own development). It sounds like you are feeling "whole" for the first time. And that's the key to happiness (at least for me).

I'm glad you're happy with the decisions you've made. It also sounds like you're still on a journey of discovery. I hope you continue to share it with us (as you have already in other messages). I, for one, will a beneficiary.

Love,

Laura

[CJ]

Hi all,

Anita,

What a great post! Something I admire in you is the extent to which you've come to know, and accept, and be comfortable with yourself--huge steps on the way to healing and wholeness. Bravo!

Plus, your eloquence helps us to really see and understand how you view yourself... I felt a little bit like a voyeur, peering into your mind because of your way with words. Thanks, girl, for sharing your beauty with us.

Love,
CJ

[Anita]

Thanks, Laura and CJ, for your kind words. It's a long post, but I've noticed that I personally don't have a problem with longer posts in this section. It seems like a person needs to be able to sit back and tell the story at their own pace.

Laura, I don't hear much about ones who took a long break from CDing, except when they went into military service. So I'll be interested to see your story. I also know of one person who didn't come into CDing until their 40s. That's also unusual; most of us seem to start at either 5 or 12!

CJ, I've known something about your story from your emails, but I was really moved when I read your post here. I'll post my impressions about it under that heading. I'm glad you got something out of this post.
A