a crossdressers heart & story

[Stephenie G]

I'll start this post with a little history. My chilhood was like lots i'm sure , I had an alcoholic father who wasn't kind , never beat me but never said anything nice either. I was told i 'd never amount to anything & noone would ever love me . My mother was beaten alot ,police at our door almost every weekend till i left home at sixteen.

i did like school was average student but fat most of life so no possitive enforcement there , just the usual bullying , called stupid ,ugly ,loser etc. i always believed in good & evil for some reason never went to church but did pray to god occassionally & ask the why me questions. At 17 decided to try to commite suicide . Took too bottles of sleeping pills told god if he wants to do something special with my life then get on with it.

I should also metion that i always got alone better with girls than guys , was always close they shared there fashion stories ,shared what was wrong with there boyfriends, iwas was very close to one family that had too girls & they & there mother would send me to store to buy pads for them because they were embarressed.I use to house sit for them so my first crossdressing experience was there i tried on some of there clothes & like how they felt.This is my only attepmt at dressing but had always love the way women dressed & wish i could wear their clothes & at times wish i was born a girl .

Oh yes after taking too bottles of pills woke up 24 hrs later .O.k god not dead guess you have something planned .A women i new growing up did like her much but she had recently started going to church & said she became born again . Long story short stated attending with her also became born again but as years went bye I started to feel like an outsider & didn't belong .Always left church feeling condemed & worthless .

Now on the work side of life just happened to get job at a box company which was owned by my current wife uncle.I was there 20yrs before plant closed also never appeciated much . In one year lost mother , job & had to work midnigths at another plant for a year been tough so far .

Ok i hope you made it this far a bit of history on me 7 my wife , she was a friends cousin who i hung out with most of life since age 4 . at 17 like her but thought too young & i was self righteous at time & was only looking for a good christian girl. Time flew now 29 re introduced to lynn my current wife . Dated & fell in love with here got married at almost 31 still a virgin . My beautifull wife gave birth to our son 2yrs later.Now for the crossdressing part of story . After son was born about 5 i guess i asked wife if i could wear garters & nylons to bed for some play time , she thought it weird but agreed , still remember that night. I was so scared to sak i thought she leave me on the spot .Had the most wonderful night & fell more in love with her. Thats how it started the desire to buy & wear more came on strong.

Just a breif flash back about 3yrs ago i started praying god would give me a heart like his & love people just how they are & not be so judgementel .This is what crossdressing has taught me so far. i was surprised at how accepting people could be . i would go out & no one would bother me or harrass me got lots of compliments on bravery, nice legs , nice butt & just some wonderfull gg conversation.I now wear fem undies full time & fem jeans full time & noone has ever commented .

Just recently i found out my wife was having a harder time of it than i thought .She thought i was having an affair , doesn't understand what wrong with me . This i believe is probaly why most cders try to hide it from wife even there wife looks at them as freak.She say i have changed not the man she marrried . For me i say thank god i've changed .Last year was so rough for me that i even went to councilling & took a change thinking course Dr recommended.

As far as changing goes i glad i'm not the self rightous person i was & can see as gods sees them . i no longer would codemn a cd/tg, a gay or lesbian & when i here a sad story it touches my heart like never before . I have met some wonderful people cding , kind , friendly & their eyes light up when they see me . I think & have been told that i was the first cder they met in person & they are so glad they did i put them at ease once i start talking. In fact i was at one of my fav stores & they asked were have i been they missed me told them missed them too but busy with overtime & their store too tempting. a new girl named ashely came over & told me she was told me & now she is so glad she met me.It made my day , i been reading some books on a new kind of christian & one who accepts everone. i think god inspired my dressing so i can relate to others , to soften my heart to see that yes there is lots of evil & bad in world but also good so i have learned to try to be a good ebssadoor of good .

I grives to think my wife is having such a hard time of it , i don't go a day without thinking of her & how lucky i am she gave me my only son . I love them both, I tell them both everyday. She says i don't show it to her . I cook most everyday , do dishes , help with son , make lunches most day even when she has one or two days off work i still cook & make lunches.I tell her she looks nice & she is doing good with her weight loss . I don't force myself on her & demand sex when she sick / etc . i just love her for who she is . I'm still at my end of couch , all she has to do is move over to my end like she use too lol. I love my wife so much that since Dec of last year i've been looking at 10th anniversary rings & at sites for an anniversary trip .

If my wife reads this i'm sorry if i hurt you with my dressing its a part of me i buried deep for fear of rejection , your love was so strong i felt i could tell & express fem side too you , noone has ever love me as much as you & you have taught me to love , but god is now showing me how to love better , its not the clothes its the heart . In my heart it feels rigtht & good to dress & i feel the love of people all around . I hope that you can learn to love this side of me . Thank-you for joining this site & trying to understand . I'm not totally good a expressing how i feel in words so i hope you & others atleast get a small sense off whats in my heart & mind . i want you to have your guy time but also it would be nice to maybe have gal time .

thats all for now hope it wasn't too long & again i want to remind you lynn , I love you & will always love you .

If this is in the wrong section Silverlady plaese put it were you think it best. I what to thank you & all the others for managing this site . It has been a blessing to me & the people here have been wonderful .

Plaese forgive lenght & typos . & grammer too .

Stephenie g

xoxoxx


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Edited only as to paragraph separation for easier reading by everyone, as it was originally just one very large paragraph. Content, spelling and grammar have not been changed. This heartfelt post by Stephenie is in the correct place on the forum.

- SL

[Elizabeth]

Hi Stephanie,

That was a very heart felt post. It was all I could do, not to cry. Not that it's sad as much as it is just an emotional outpouring. I can very much relate to many of the things you say. I also exposed my crossdressing to my wife in bed.

She had come to bed with my underwear on, so I asked her if she wanted me to wear hers. Little did she know that I had my own stash of underwear, garters, and stockings. She seemed to be excited by it, but a few weeks later I came to bed with garters, stockings, and panties and got the silent treatment.

This was used against me in a fight some weeks later. My previous wife never did understand and it's hard for me not to blame it on a strict Baptist upbringing designed to make everyone feel guilt and shame all the time. I rejected all that when I was a kid after realizing I was transsexual.

In any event, I am glad your SO has joined. I am sure she will find support here for what she is experiencing. It's nice to know one is not alone. And indeed she is not.

Thanks for posting, I look forward to future posts.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Amelie-Laveau]

Steph, I echo Elizabeth’s words saying that was a very heartfelt story.

My response, tell your wife everything you wrote after the line,,,”If my wife reads this…. All the words you write after those words are very sincere and will do more good than washing a million dishes. People are like the stock market, they need confidence to guide them in life. Making lunches is fine but you need to gain her confidence and your last words in your post should help a lot. Women need to know they are special, they need to know that they are loved and they belong.

Thanks for opening your heart for us.

[Virginia]

HI Stephenie,

Yes, a most heartfelt story. GG's sometimes don't want us to explain anything to them, all they want is someone to listen to them, really listen with no distractions. No TV no radio, no kids, just letting them (vent) talk. As for doing things around the house that helps but some see it as "trying to get on their (good) side" or some even see it as taking over their domain, it is hard to determine where "they are coming from" that is with out communication.

If she is willing to discuss it she may want to set boundaries, like where and when she feels comfortably with "Stephenie" being around. As you have or will learn, some GG's tolerate this "new woman" in their lives, others set boundaries some of which are not tolerable for us and fortunately some embrace this new woman as anything from a neighbor to a friend to even a lover. Some in order to hold the relationship together, will tolerate it but keep their actual acceptance/non-acceptance deep inside them until sometimes it becomes more than they can bear and it comes out in a rush, sometimes good sometimes bad. That is why communication is the key. If she refuses to talk about "it," that can be the start of the volcano. As my sister, Elizabeth said, it is a minefield that some of us find ourselves in so we learn to tread carefully.

We hope only the best for you and you will find that as far as a Supreme Being holding sway over our "Magical Mystery Tour," well my answer to those who take the opposing view of "us." My answer has always been, "so you say God is perfect, that SHE does not make mistakes! Well, here stands Virginia ----- What do you think?"

Keep the faith and hopefully you will find some solace in our sorority!

Love,

Virginia

[Absaroka]

Stephanie that was a very moving post. Thank you.

I related very well to the process of coming to terms with where does all this fit in with the church. I've had a quite a few conflicts myself about this. I think it is worth remembering that God created us naked and was not entirely pleased when we took to wearing clothing, although that had to do with listening to reptiles more than anything else. I do think that the passage about we are made impure not by what we put into our mouth but what comes out of our mouths is relevant-it's not what we wear but how we treat people.

Related to the alcoholic parents and not fitting in as well. Enough said.

I also related to the question of how much do you tell your wife-mine knows some but not nearly all. And I really liked what you expressed about how much you love her and how important she is to you. I think those last couple of sentences is where most of the answers lie for us.

Absaroka

[Anita]

Thanks for your post, Stephenie. I hope your writing here opens up a new way of looking at what your wife might think she already knows. I identify with you feeling that you create some brightness in other people's lives by being who you are out there.

I also have to try to work with my TG girlfriend's feelings about her conservative church, which judges her for who she is. She is not going to stop being transgender, so she will eventually have to find a new way of looking at her faith.

[Stephenie G]

Thank you Elizabeth for you kind words & Amelie i have read alot of your post & from your post i can tell your a prime example of how people can grow inspite of thier upbringing or even circumsatnces .I love reading them you are very inteligent & beautiful in so many ways .Thanks also Virginia & Anita i always enjoy your posts too plus as Virginia would say i find it a blessing . Anita IMHO ofcourse i believe us religios ,bible thumper are giong through a transtion of our own & god is reminding us , me for sure that its time i saw people as he does & treated people as he would . Its typical human nature to turn a woonder gift in a nightmare for most . I realized life is what you give , love others as much as you can & you'll get love back . thanks to Silverlady too for fixing all my long post to not look like one long sentence . My heart feels for my sisters & So others everyday . thanks to all my other sisters that have help me with my journey & for opening my eyes & heart . Stephenie G