Oil and water

Jennifer M · Post by **Jennifer M** » Sun Jan 11, 2009 9:58 pm

Lately I have spent a lot of time alone trying to get to know me.I am Jeff and I am Jennifer.Two genders in one body both trying to survive as best I can.I am not two people as even I once thought.I am only one person with a gender mix.This mix makes me who I am but also causes me a lot of stress trying to find the time to nurture both.

There is just not enough time,energy or money in one lifetime to fully express both genders.This gets amazingly frustrating for me,and it occurs on a daily basis.I feel this is the reason that I wish my femme side would just go away.It must be so much easier to be just one gender,but I will never know what that is like. When I try to remain just one the emotional stress builds quickly.I cant spend more than two days as Jennifer as it has the same effects on me as when I try to suppress her.

My best days have been when I spend half the day as one and the other half as the other.Many things keep this from happening on a regular basis.I realize that most of them I bring upon myself.I think that if I spend more time as my male self I can make the other go away,then I wouldnt be so alone,but I would be miserable to be around again.Its a catch 22.I do know that I am a good person because of the way I am,it does have a positive effect on me when I am not suppressing my true feelings.Then again it seems that my true self upsets those around me and it seems that it is easier to ignore me than to understand me.

I am not complaining,though it must sound like it.I do have a good life and I am getting closer to a good balance all the time.I guess I just needed someone to know how I feel.

Post by **KimberlyS** » Sun Jan 11, 2009 10:15 pm

Jennifer, like you I am a mix of both genders and for me more male than female. And I usually use the terms male with a mix of masculine and feminine traits. I agree with you that finding a balance for ones self is very challenging just for my self. Then add my wife, kids, family, friends, neighbors, and coworkers that influence the balance. The best thing I have learned is to be flexible and to take advantage of the femme time I get and not regretting to have to change back and forth. It also helps for me that I am able to have different degrees or levels of femme time and femme wear. As it is not a all femme or all male attire for me.

I am glad that you are finding some balance for yourself.

kim
joe in a skirt

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Sun Jan 11, 2009 11:27 pm

Jennifer that was a very nice and very too the point post. Hopefully it will be a beacon of clarity for the confused. Thanks

Absaroka

Sylvia H · Post by **Sylvia H** » Mon Jan 12, 2009 12:11 am

Jennifer,
I relate entirely to your perspective. Though the jury is still out for me it is beginning to look like a kind of internal Ford vs Chevy argument. At some point who says you have to take sides?
With a little help from my therapist I am learning to make the best of both. Its time to integrate. Not easy, but clearly necessary.
As somebody or other said " If you cant see the light at the end of the tunnel, march right down there and turn it on yourself.
Best of luck to you!

xox
Sylvia

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Mon Jan 12, 2009 8:40 pm

Hi Jennifer,

I, none of us, can know exactly what you are feeling and there is an old adage, "we give advice by the bucket, but we take it by the grain."

Well here is my grain. I can say "been there done that!" It was as if my two entities had to be sat down and have things explained to them. Evidently, one of your "entities" is more militant than the other and is seeking supremacy and that just is not going to work. You have to take control of them, you take control of them - sounds like three entities does it not?

Well all I know is in my case, a third entity simply explained it to them in this way. We have this vessel in which we travel. We don't have any other option, it is all we have. If one of us chooses to damage or destroy it because of selfishness or unbridled desire to be at the forefront - we all lose!!!!! We have to cooperate, to share, to promote this "vessel" in a way that benefits all of us and that takes communication, cooperation, sharing and loving and "BALANCE" within our world. WE HAVE TO DO THIS FOR OUR OUR OUR VERY EXISTENCE! If one of us tries to take over and the other does not support what is being done we are all done!!! WE have to find that balance -- I have it on the very best of authority that finding that balance will produce a beauty that is even beyond our highest expectations!

Jennifer, you have to force this balance and I know it can be done!!!! If you don't you will be fighting this battle until you all reach room temperature. You need to understand it is well worth it to get everyone on the same page, loving and supporting each other and I know I KNOW it can be done. Only you can make it happen and as I said it is well worth the effort. You just have to explain it to "them" and I know they will understand that conflict will not help either of them succeed but together they can work wonders!!!!!!

YOU CAN DO IT!!!

Love,

Virginia

Carolynn · Post by **Carolynn** » Mon Jan 12, 2009 10:16 pm

Jennifer, have you considered a therapist to help you for awhile to come to better terms with this?

They really can help if they are not into "reparative therapy". Ask before you select one, if you want to try it.

Reparative therapists try to make you one or the other through the use of aversion therapy, and often lead to more unhappiness and not a few suicides, so stay away from them.

The others are more interested in helping you reach an accomodation with your two sides that may help you feel better about yourself and able to handle it to you advantage.

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Mon Jan 12, 2009 10:36 pm

Jennifer, I hope you can continue to resolve this, bit by bit.

There is just not enough time,energy or money in one lifetime to fully express both genders.This gets amazingly frustrating for me,and it occurs on a daily basis.I feel this is the reason that I wish my femme side would just go away.

Since the female was the second one to arrive, I assume that's why you'd rather she went away. Also, you do have a male body, and it's just easier for people who don't want to transition to present as male.

You're right about the time and energy it takes to express both genders. Sometimes I get very frustrated with that, too. I would hope that some part of Virginia's formula could work for you. Carolyn's suggestion seems to be a good one, and I don't remember what your past history has been with therapists. They could be really helpful in a situation like you have.

Jennifer M · Post by **Jennifer M** » Tue Jan 13, 2009 6:40 pm

Thank you all for responding.As for therapists I have tried many,they dont,cant or wont help.They just seemed intrested in money more than anything.

I like Virginia's method the best,it really speaks to me.I am doing my best to get ahold on all of this.I know I will as I have all of you to lean on.

Jennifer M · Post by **Jennifer M** » Sun Jan 18, 2009 2:01 pm

Virginia,

Thank you for the advice you gave.It has had a big impact on me and my life is contiuing to change for the better.Sometime's we(me) need to be slapped in the face to get a grip on things.Thank You,keep up the good work.

Leeza · Post by **Leeza** » Sat Feb 21, 2009 9:05 am

Jennifer, you are making progress! Even though this string of posts is very serious, I remember a thread before the holidays that had me scared.

I really think you have "turned the cornor" and you are looking for the "tools" to make the adjustment.

When I was talking to you on the earlier thread my heart was churning in pain and afraid of where you might head. This thread has me seeing hope for you and a light as to where you need to go.

Girl, my thoughts are with you and as I see your posts I am reminded to send some good thoughts your way and say thank you for still being with us.

Will life get easier? I don't know, but I have learned that as we come out of the valey of dispair and start climbing the mountian of hope the view gets a lot better.

From someone who has been there and done that.

Leeza

Jennifer M · Post by **Jennifer M** » Sat Feb 21, 2009 11:01 pm

Thanks Leeza,

I do feel that a corner has been turned.I know what I need to do and I am searching for the strength and confidence to be more open about who I am,at least where I feel it would be safe to do.I realize I still have a long bumpy road to travel.At least this time I am going in the right direction.

Leeza · Post by **Leeza** » Sun Feb 22, 2009 8:39 am

Jeenifer, I have faith in you girl.

Leeza