Since I mentioned this wonderful place here, I figured it might be appropriate to share the note with you all.
As I have said before at Crossdresser's Forum, I owe so much to everyone here who helped me through my 'coming out', the last days of my marriage, my relationship with my daughter, and just my plain old peace-of-mind.
Although my life is different from when I first discovered this place, I will always feel a connection. I will always support the people here and the good this site brings to the world.
Thank You!
Mark
aka Allena, Ally
Here's the post....
Thank you Ziggy for creating this thread, I have always been interested in the things you write and your take on the different aspects of life in general.
As some of you may recall... I came out as transgendered/transsexual here at the Cafe.
Since around February of this year, I have moved onto a different path in life.. away from the hormones, the fem clothing, and all the other accoutrements requisite for that particular path of discovery.
I did not wake up one day and say, "HOLY S**T! I'VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE!"
I did gradually come to what I felt was a more comfortable place in my mind... my soul, if you will...
Something happened and I pretty much just 'slipped' into guy mode in a way that I had never been able to do before.
I cannot tell you what it was that changed things for me, but I can tell you I have little regret over the path I have traveled to get here.
I'm not ecstatic, not jumping up-and-down proclaiming to the world, "I AM A MAN!", or anything similar. I just thought to myself, "Hmmm, I feel like I've reached the end of the trans-path.". No shame, no remorse, no emptiness, no questions... just a feeling of contentment and finality.
Today I do not speak of 'having had it wrong' all along, rather, I understand that I truly needed to explore the whole gender issue up to the point of permanent change.
I understand that my feelings during that experience were genuine... I really would have gone for the 'bottom' surgery had I the money, and the support of everyone I truly cared about.
But I also understand that I needed the total support and belief in this dream from one person in particular... myself.
All along, I had this little nagging voice that kept me from tossing all my guy stuff, although I did box it all up and put it away in storage.
For so long, I would spend quiet moments alone dreaming, fantasizing, preparing for this new role in my life and possibly those physical changes I was heading towards.
I felt like I gave myself over, 90% or so, to this movement within me, yet I always knew I had this small buffer that kept me from leaping off the edge totally unprepared.
I am so glad for the manner in which I finally dealt with my questions of gender and sexuality.
I am so glad I finally learned the difference between gender and sexuality.
I am so grateful for the ongoing discovery of how varied humans are within the context of gender and sexuality.
That small bit of regret I mentioned earlier, is just that human trait of wishing things could have been this nice much earlier in my life.
I understand the reality though, and I could have quite possibly missed out on so many of the wonderful things that I have experienced as my life has played out over these years.
I still have times of pain and doubt. I still struggle years later with the demise of my marriage. I still struggle with having left the 'home' and trying to have a home with my daughter whenever she is with me. I am in the midst of a relationship with a woman to whom I have revealed all my past to, and my present.
But I can say to you that today I am in such a healthier place concerning my gender and sexuality.
I will say that I did not make it to this point alone... family, friends here in my town and at work, the trans support group I've been a part of since it's inception, and of course... those of you here who have welcomed me with 'open arms', read my writings, offered advice and consolation all these years... all of these people have been part of my saving grace. Thank You!
To clarify a few things...
While I no longer proclaim myself Transsexual, I do not eschew the label Transgender.
Actually, I just don't feel a need to label myself anything at the moment. If pressed, I certainly couldn't pin myself down to any one word/term (although, as you may be able to tell, and those who have seen my posts over the years can attest to... I am ANYTHING but a 'man' of few words! LOL
)I am back to wearing guy stuff. I still have my UK, my MountainKilt, my AmeriKilt, my sarongs, and I do wear them.
I have packed away the feminine stuff and even donated things like breast forms and my only wig to a woman's cancer group.
The greatest thing about all this is how easily it came to me... how it all just felt like the 'natural' thing to do.
I do not see it as reverting back, because when I was struggling with being a "Blokey Bloke" (Ziggy... I LOVE that expression!
) I never had the sense to look inward and apply the things that fit who and what I was. I was always forcing myself to fit an image for reasons of acceptance and self-preservation, for fear of rejection from family, friends, and community, and because of my own personal ignorance about me... Mark.I have often said, and I still believe, that all I ever really wanted was to feel sure about myself... to believe fully in who and what I was; be that straight, gay, or bi, male gender, female gender or transgender... I was just tired of not knowing.
Today I embrace those things I used to be ashamed of... those so-called feminine traits that are part of my person, and which help me feel comfortable, though sadly in the past, even uncomfortable, in this world. I no longer struggle with what it means to be a man because I am no longer concerned about that. I have completely exposed myself to people I feel close to such as family and friends, and to strangers both in my physical world as well as my virtual world. (... okay, so perhaps we're not talking in the literal, physical sense here folks... although someday I really would like to at least visit a nude beach
) In regards to all this, I feel as though I have nothing left to show, nothing to hide behind, nothing to worry about... I feel free.I understand now that the world did not come crashing down around me as I explored those long-suffering questions I carried all my life. While I acknowledge that I never have 100% control over how my personal information becomes public once I tell that first person, and that I cannot control how any person reacts to my exposures, I finally realized how much control I actually have over my life. At last I've been able to feel a certain strength, a sense of assuredness that I am as valuable a person as anyone else.
hmmm.... talk about 'long suffering'....
Today I visited my local trans group's website.
There was a post from a young lady who is recovering from her SRS up in Montreal. It made me feel happy to see her post and hear that she is feeling fine and is quite happy with her transition.
Although the outcomes are different in a physical sense, she and I share so much in our own pursuits for self-definition, self-acceptance, and peace.
I still feel a sense of attachment to this group of friends, and even with my latest revelations concerning my own path, they still embrace me as one of the group.
Between places such as Tom's Cafe, Skirt Cafe, Crossdressers-Forum, Humboldt-Unity, WrongPlanet, and ADDforums, I have learned so much not only about myself, but the rest of humanity as well. I have found such a diverse, supportive, and open-minded group of people at all these places, and through my interactions with every one of them found out what little understanding I had about my own self.
I couldn't tell you if I am in the middle, three quarters of the way through, or near the end of this journey I am living... but I can tell you that for whatever purpose it serves, it's been interesting!
I still stand by the premise that "it never goes away." As you have aspired to, we are all responsible for our own happiness and with that being said, I have to agree with Donna! We all want only for you to be happy and if in your current place, be it on or off "the continuum" you can look in the mirror and see beyond the reflexion of the person looking back at you that they are happy and content with their lot in life then that is all that matters.