back and need help

[MissTara (SO)]

I'm feeling so down lately. I found out about my husbands dressing when i came home early last month. This was not too much of a problem for me. It seemed that he was in a period of great joy...we both were. Giddy with happieness. Ive never seen him like this. He was turned on and I really thought he felt relief at having me know. I took this a a sign that he wanted to share it with me. I was wrong. I wrote to him a beautiful letter of acceptance and support explaining that I found this new discovery to be an exciting insight into the sexuality of my husband and that i looked forward to exploring further with him. i thought this was finally the in and the way past his habit of keeping me at a distance. Alas, this was not to be the case. we started writing to each other in a journal to avoid long talks that he hated. Problem was that his reply to my first letter was chalked full of him trying to push me away again. he said he does not want to act, look, or be like a woman, and that he is not ashamed. i asked him to explain further and its been a month plus since i last handed him the book to read my last letter.
I am so down, he says he fails to see how my accidental discovery would make him want to bring it out into the open. he does not understand that i have seen and felt the emotional results of him trying to hide this from me even before i knew what was actually going on I suspected alot and that filled my days with a lot of anxiety and fear of the unknown. he keeps me at a distance and im getting pretty tired and worn down. i feel like an unwelcomed intruder in my husbands sexual life. im worried that his shame and emotional bottling will never stop.

I am very supportive, and in fact bought him a few treasures for valentines day which I left for him in his closet a wrapped up pretty with a note that said "These can be just for you. I hope you like them. I love you. happy Valentines Day." I didn't make him open them in front of me or anything. He did say thank you but that was about it. Im trying to take it slow, but feel very hurt by all this emotional purgatory so to speak. Im worn out and feeling rejected and I don't know what else I can do. My fears are great right now. I love this man so much and I am convinced now more than ever that we are a great match but I am scared that he will never get over his embarassment about this.

I would love nothing more than to hang out in our room all night drinking champange, dressing up with each other listen to music, then throw him on the bed and show him what its like when i am in charge... sigh, pipe dreams I guess. Thanks for listening. Any and all advise is welcomed

[Wendae]

I suspect he feels uncomfortable dressing in front of you and even talking about it. Now a days I don't think I want to appear dressed in front of my wife. Those days are gone altho I'm willing to talk about it and she isn't. Give him his space. If you come home early call first Don't arrive home un expectedly. Go slo! We usually say baby steps to our sisters in working things out with our SO's. You need to do the same. Small gifts are cool. See if he's interested in this Forum. I'm not a fan of the journel. It would be too impersonal. Now that you know he may start to start talking a little. At least you are trying which is more then some do.

[DonnaT]

I think if MissTara tried to go any slower she'd be backing up!?

Why he won't share is a mystery to me too. I've read posts from other CDs who say they can never share with their SO no matter how accepting they are.

But it seems as though he's not hiding it from you, but instead he's hiding from himself.

We know that CDing is something he has to do, for reasons we can't explain. That doesn't mean he has to like it or accept it. But I'm only guessing here.

Ask him to write in the journal why he hates being a cross dresser. Seems to me to be the only way you are going to find out why he won't share.

If he says he doesn't hate it, then ask him why he won't share it with you.

[Kimberly Kael]

I'm sorry to hear it is so awkward, Tara. There are so many here who would give anything to have a partner as accepting and understanding as you are, and yet somehow you find yourself in a situation where you're not feeling appreciated. Isn't it always the way? My wife is a huge sports nut that most men are able to talk to endlessly, and yet her long-term relationships have been with people who really aren't that into spectator sports - including me and I turn out to identify as a woman! While there are some useful parallels there, your situation is clearly more challenging to deal with.

You're obviously aware that the taboo nature of cross-dressing plays a significant role in why he has trouble engaging with you and talking about it. Keep in mind, though, that there are multiple ways that might manifest, meaning that he isn't necessarily ashamed of it. Sure, that might be why he's having trouble talking, but it might also be that a part of the attraction is the forbidden nature of the activity. That would make being caught in the act exciting, but having you be accepting and take an active interest would suddenly change things. Just a thought.

Whatever the cause, there's a pretty good chance that he doesn't fully understand his own motivations. Give him time, let him know that it isn't that you'd prefer him as a woman, presuming that's true, of course. He could very well be threatened by the idea that you'll want to change him in a way that he isn't comfortable with. Emphasize that you enjoyed being able to share, and maybe share a fantasy of your own that you find hard to admit to. Keep the invitation open to talk, but remove any pressure or expectation to do so and he just might surprise you down the road when he's ready.

Good luck!

[Virginia]

Hi Tara,

Sage advice from my sisters as always. I am not sure if I read that he is a member of our forum or not or even would be interested, but if not it is something to consider broaching with him, that he is not alone and perhaps we can offer him some insight into himself.

Just a thought!

Thanks for being there for him and for sharing with us. You're one in a million!!

Virginia

[KimberlyS]

Tara your post brings me to tears. I am a CDer that has a wife that has put up her walls and will not talk to me about any of the issues. And there are much more than the CDing issues here. Have you tried getting him to some professional help? Otherwise I really wish I could help you more. I have come to the realization with my wife I can not help her until she is ready to be helped. If he will not go to professional help all you can do is to keep trying to get him to open up to you. You can try small and see what he does with his CDing and build from there.

I wish you the very best luck getting through to him. If I can be of any support you can PM me. I will do my best. I know what it is like to be a relationship where one spouse gives and the other does not return or takes.

kimberlys-cd
joe in a skirt

[Karen]

Tara
Your last paragraph where you say that you would like to throw
him on the bed and show him how it would be with YOU in charge.
Is he MAYBE afraid of a possible future WIFE LED MARRIAGE?????
There are a million sites that talk about FLM (female led marriage)
and WLM (Wife led marriages) where the woman is 100 % in charge,
so much so that some women keep their husbands in chastity. (Really?)
This might be totally wrong, but I think that some men could be
a little concerned about something like this.
I think that this would be something for you to consider.
YOU REALLY ARE ONE IN A MILLION and I pray that you and
he will be able to resolve this.
Lots of luck

Hugs

[MissTara (SO)]

Hi again everyone. Thank you all for your valuable input. I just needed to vent a bit. I know he feels uncomfortable about it all so I don't push. I do try to encourage from time to time but other than that I have left the ball in his court. This is not my thing so I dont really care if I ever see him dressed or not....and in fact if it weren't for my concerns I could just let it go completley ,even though it does turn me on....but hell lots of stuff turns me on, no need for a big production about every single turn on. I am just concerned about how his shame surrounding his CDing has or may effect him and us. I just lost my job so counseling is out for now but not for good. Thanks gals for listening and the great input. Sometimes it's lonely and I know you all understasnd that too. Keep your fingers crossed for us.

[Anita]

Hi Tara--

I am just concerned about how his shame surrounding his CDing has or may effect him and us.

There's a couple of puzzling things here. First off, it doesn't sound like he is ashamed of it--at least, that's what he's said. So that may not be what's getting in the way of him talking about it.

Most CDs who come out to their wives are relieved to finally have someone to talk to about this dark secret that has been with them for years. I think it wouldn't be going too far out on a limb to say that 95% of them would feel that way about it, IF they're willing to bring up the subject in the first place.

I have to speak from my own experience at this point. My girlfriend is very understanding about a lot of things in my life, and she's a great person to talk to about many of my problems. But--no fault of hers--there are some subjects that are vitally important to me, and she doesn't understand them at all. Maybe I'm extreme here, but her attempts at understanding are more painful to me than not talking at all. So I don't bring up those subjects with her.

Now, this doesn't quite fit here, because it sounds like he hasn't given you a chance to show your understanding (or lack of understanding) of what he's doing. But I know I'm not alone in 'guarding' a particular concept that I'm passionate about, if other people don't understand it at all.

Again, it's not your fault if this is what's going on. My GF has limitations; she's only human. She can't be there for me in every aspect; some things I just have to go about alone, for now.

Unfortunate, though, that this is not the only place where he keeps distance between you. I used to do counseling with graduate students from a local college, and it was sliding scale--I paid a minimum of $15 per session at the time, based on my income. That was only a few years ago. Even if you only went in once a month, it might help the isolation that can come from this type of situation. I know how it feels: I've been there, too.

[April Rose]

Tara, I've read and re-read your post. I have to say, whatever the problem is, it isn't you. An open minded, accepting, even enthusiastic partner. What more could any crossdresser ask for? At the same time, I feel so sorry for your husband.

Men build up barriers around themselves. Women seem to be about connecting. I'd have to vote with the women on this one, but by way of explaining it, let me say this. In my late High school years I was on the receiving end of some pretty violent, intimidating behaviors. I'm talking high speed car chases, baseball bats, tire chains, physical assault and vandalism. Ultimately there were arrests and a court case. It wasn't until years later, in therapy,that I realized, through it all, I thought i deserved it. I was, after all, a faggot. It wasn't that I wanted to sleep with men, but I was always dressing up in my mothers clothes. Somehow, they must have known.

It's tough for men to let go of things. But when they do, they're glad they did.

I know that this is hard on you. But I Think that you are kind, and you are right. And putting myself into your husband's shoes, I thank you for being who you are.

[Absaroka]

Tara I'm sorry you are feeling so discouraged. I'd also like to echo Anita's suggestion. I did therapy back when I had a minimum wage job and got an excellent psych intern on a sliding scale. He was very helpful. Years later I went back to him (with insurance and higher rates...)

I really applaud you for your acceptance of your husband and his taste in clothes. As to why he is so secretive I have a couple of thoughts.

One is that after a lifetime of hiding and shame a month is a very short time. Very, very, short.

I was struck by your comment about throwing him on the bed en femme and letting him know who's boss. Because that would strike terror into me. Why? Because I might love it, and after the hundredth time you might get tired of it while I still wanted more. Better not to take the chance.......after all he has first hand experience with the inevitability of the desire to CD.

This leads to the idea that for me, CDing is a semi private thing. I'd love to have my wife know more about it and be more accepting. But I don't think I'd want her to participate. I just don't. There is of course the above reason. But there are others. Some I can't really explain even to myself.

So back to acceptance. Maybe the acceptance that needs to be worked on is to accept that your husband has a side to him, which involves among other things sex, that he wishes to keep to himself. A hard thing perhaps to accept. But if you are able to accept this, accept that he has a battle to fight that you may only be able to support him in from a distance, then if you can accept his reticence that may send a covert message that you can accept other things also.

Zari

[MissTara (SO)]

Ok everyone, once again I must thank you for your kind insight. Just to make something clear....my comment about throwing hm on the bed....it was merely intended to illistrate my desire to support him in any of his fantasies. How ever that looks to him. It may be that he never feels comfortable sharing this with me and I understand that but he shuts me out of most of his stuff and I am not sure that that is what I want for myself.

That said this still is a very frustrating place for me to be. I thought my understanding would be enough for him to open up to me even a little bit over the past 3 months but I guess its not. I will be patient but its a fine line between encouragement and pushyness.