Hi girls,
I also missed this post the first time around. I really don't see how I can not address this as it is so close to home. I too have found a totally accepting SO and I firmly beleive that a large part of that was self acceptance. Saying right away, this is what I am and this is what I shall remain. I can't change for you, so don't waste your time trying.
It took a while to get to self acceptance, although I beleive I always knew I would have to. But you see, no one wants you to. They want you to hide it and be ashamed of it. I dont' want to see you, don't tell the kids, don't tell our parents, don't let the neighbors see you.
One can not get to self acceptance through not accepting it. It is no big secret to those of you who know me that I am totally against crosssdressing limitations set by anyone, just for this reason. How can one hide in shame, while claiming self acceptance?
But society does put a high price on it. Breaking the social code makes people uneasy because they must justify why they follow the social rules imposed by society at large. Why should they have to, but not you?
But self acceptance means really accepting what we are. And when one does this, it allows others to do so also. I had to be the leader. I had to be the one who grabbed my children by the hand and went out dressed as me, and said "it will be ok, you will see". I had to be the one to say "what can anyone do?".
When we truly accept ourselves, we allow others to accept us. But when we are filled with self doubt, that makes others uneasy. Even my wife, who is totally accepting of me, had some difficulty being out with me at first. It bothered her if others stared at me, or gave me dirty looks. It surprised her and still does, that I rarely notice it.
But as time has gone by, she notices less and less. What can anyone say, really? "There goes a crossdresser" or "That was a man"? I already know that. It is not a real shock to find out I am really a genetic male. But once they say it, that is really all they can do.
Everyone told me it was unfair to come out and put this on my kids. I say it was unfair to hide from my kids who I really was, and let society shame me for being who I am. Many kids face alcoholism, abuse, neglect, hunger. Parents dying or being disabled. It is a part of life.
My children accept me because I left them the choice of accepting me or not accepting me. Not hiding who I am. All my childrens friends know. Thier parents know. And all the bad things that were supposed to happen just did not come to fruition.
Kathy said something that really struck home with me.
Kathy (SO) wrote:
WHen I read the posts from cd's who are still working on self acceptance, still trying to quit, continously appologizing to their wives and family for bring this upon their life....well I just am in shock.
Well? me too. I know that I did not ask to be this way, and I also did not ask to be brought into this world. I was not consulted about social rules being made that would deny me existance and I refuse to accept them. It is my firm beleif that all crossdressers no matter where on the spectrum of how one feels it, needs to come forward and embrace who they are. Stop apologizing to spouses, children, brothers, sisters, parents for being what we are.
My biggest fear used to be that I was going to live my entire life, and never live a day for myself. I have remedied that. I agree with Kathy, what a lot of SO others need is for us to pick up the ball and be the leader. Not just tell them how things can be good, but show them, convince them.
I know that my SO and my kids need my conviction about all this. They need my leadership. To say, "hey, we go where we want to go. What can they do? Take our birthdays away?" And with my leadership I have shown them that all the fears were for nothing. Not one bad thing has happened.
There was another post recently, and please forgive me for not being able to remember who wrote it, but they said that their SO was more accepting becase they stopped being "needy". I beleive our SO do in fact not want us to beg them to accept it. They need us to show them we can handle it. That nothing bad happens, unless you count someone pointing or laughing. I mean, nothing really happens. Because people who are the laugh and point type are always going to find something to laugh and point at. That is how they deal with thier own feelings of inferiority.
I will not be defined by insecure people who know nothing about the "content of my character". And if one can walk proudly, with conviction and purpose? One can always find someone to walk with.
And for the SO's out there that must have limitations, or rules, or bounderies, or whatever label one wishes to put on telling someone they are unacceptable. Don't be surprised that your CDer can not accept himself. One can not accept someone while telling them they must hide what they are, because it's shameful.
I know it sounds harsh, but really, couples who play this game, IMHO, have no chance at acceptance and mutual respect or a long loving relationship. It reminds me of guys I used to know who would be nice to certain girls who did not look like a super model, or were in some other way deemed to be a "ugly chick", so they could have sex with them, but in public would deny it, and never be seen in public with such a person.
And I know there are a lot of SO others out there who are going to say "hey!!! I was lied to. I never signed up for this". And all I can say is, the crossdresser never signed up for it either. It was imposed on him. He lied because society denies him existance as his true self. The truth is, the vast majority of relationships where the CDer did not disclose up front what he was, are not going to survive. The ones that do survive are not the ones where the CDer continues to live a life of shame. It is only a matter of time before he will be compelled to live his life as the person he was meant to be.
It can not be a coincedence that so many crossdressers come out later in life, a midlife crisis, as it were. The point where we all ask ouselves, "is this all there is?". We all reach a point where we decide to live at least some part of our life, the way we see fit.
Love always,
Elizabeth
Yes, I know essentially we are agreeing more than disagreeing. 
)
). What you wrote in your last post here has moved me and touched me very deeply. I feel as though I can sense, feel, and almost touch the love you have for your hubby, right there, just underneath the surface of your words. It's a very powerful experience and I'm deeply grateful to you for it and for having the courage to open yourself up the way you do. How unfortunate it is, in a way, that your DH isn't yet ready to give himself this same kind of healing opportunities. Your steadfastness and your love and compassion give this somewhat cynical "old soul" hope that all is not lost for us.
