Winter is here do you know how I feel

[JenniferMu.(GG)]

I got home from work just after 1am this morning, it was a bit later than usual for a Thursday night but the restaurant had a big party booked in from a large company and they weren't in a hurry to leave as they were all pretty well boozed up, but I suppose that's what we get paid for to be there when needed. It was very wet and very cold for the first day of winter and that reflects how I feel lately. When I got home I watched some replays from the French Tennis Open and time got away until Dad got up around 5.30. I've sort of got used to seeing him now in womens clothes but I guess it didn't help my mood any seeing him come out in a night dress and dressing gown because I still have my times of wishing it didn't happen although now I'd never let him know that. I made some coffee and toast for us and we sat for a while and then I asked him if we could talk as I've got so much stuff going round in my head but he said we can do it another time because Friday is a big day for him at work as the end of the financial year is only a month away now. I really don't understand grown ups because there seems to be special rules only for them and not so special ones for us. All my life his catch phrase has been, "Now you listen to me young lady" and that's all I've ever seemed to do is listen but when Iw ant him to listen to me the same importance isn't atached to what I want to say. Another of his catch phrases is, "when you grow up you'll understand, you're only a kid", well that's another which puzzles me so much. I'll be 20 in a few months but I'm too young to udnerstand whatever but kids my age are grown up enough for adults to send them to war to kill people and be killed and all that sort of thing. I keep wondering when I'll be grown up enough to understand all this grown ups stuff. I don't udnerstand why my father dresses like a woman, I don't udnerstand why a wife divorces her husband of over 20 years because she says she suddenly fell out of love with him because he turned out not to be the man she thought he was for 25 years, well my mother turned out too to be not the person I grew up thinking she was,s ame as my father.

I've been thinking this morning about my ex b/f too. I really liked him lots and was beginning to think we had a future but he got so possessive and jealous. he used to get so angry because guys paid me attention but it wasn't like Iw as ever interested in them it just happens that guys pay me lots of attention but I've never given any of them any encouragement it's always just friendly to me and I kept telling him that it's natural for guys to flirt with girls and I've seen him do it too and it's always ok for him to do it, but if a guy ever paid me any attention he got mad and wanted to fight and I became so embarrassed because I'm not the sort of person to play up and he knew that too so it got that bad I broke it off, but I still miss him but I couldn't spend my life with someone with an attitude like he's got. It just seems nothign ever goes right it's like I'm being punsihed for something or other whatever it is I don't know yet.

I've been thinking how much I miss my best friend but I'm happy that she's away on campus although she rang me the other night and her mother is putting big pressure on her to come home to visit as she's been away since February and hasn't been back to see her parents since. But her life is so much better since she's been away from her father and he can't do things to her that he's done all her life. Even though we both think her mother knows she's never let on and she's closed her eyes and ears to it all for reasons best known to her. It's another reason why I think adults suck because her father is a lay preacher in our church and he talks about things to the congregation on one hand and does sins on the other. My parents have always wondered why i stopped going to church well I have the best reason of all as churches seem to be full of hypocrites who preach one thing and do another, it's do as I say not as I do and that goes right around the world. If there truly was a God surely He wouldn't let these things happen in his House or would he.

This morning too I've been thinking about another friend who's gay. he was in my class all through high school and we've been good friends him and me and my best g/f and I feel so sorry for him as he's had a bad deal from his parents too and I sort of blame myself for part of that too. about 5 years ago when he was 15 he was going through a bad time beacuse heknew he was gay and he wanted to tell his parents but he was always so frightened of his father knowing. Me and my g/f kept telling him that his parents loved him and if they knew they'd be alright when they got used to the idea and saw that it was the way he was and he couldn't help it. Well eventually he got up the coruage and told his Mum first and she sort of didn'tt ake it that badly but she told his Dad and his Dad went off the planet and bashed him up. he evetually moved out of home and lives with his aunty and his life too has been turned upside down as his dad doesn't speak to him and I suppose it's part my fault for talking him into telling, but I thought parents were supposed to love us no matter what but I'm learning that what's supposed to happen and what does is two different things.

Well it's 9 o'clock now and my eye s are keeping closing on me so I'd better get some sleep as it'sa cold grey winters morning, do you know how I feel, I justw anted to rant to someone and seeing there's noone to listen to me as I've got this great big house to myself right now, the house that used to be such a happy one and full of noise and is now cold and silent and glum so thanx and hopefully as my Gran always says that a good sleep makes you see things in a better light.

Jenny.

[Absaroka]

Jenny I am sorry you are feeling so discouraged.

As for why adults do some of the things we do with little things it is sometimes hard to accept that our children are grown. But the things that you describe with your friends parents are just plain wrong and immoral. Your friends are probably lucky to have someone like you in their lives.

As for your boyfriend, I had a couple of very possesive girlfriends at one time. One of them would get very angry and could be pretty scary as she had a mean streak. The other would jsut cry and make me feel guilty for being alive. I am very glad to be rid of them. My wife and I have a great deal of trust in each other and both have very close friends of the opposite sex. It's not an issue for us. It is entirely possible that your boyfriend would have gotten worse, not better. and that jealousy like that is one of the signs of someone who will become abusive. So I guess you made the right decision.

Hang in there. I wish I had some words of comfort but the best I can do is say that this too is passing now.

Absaroka

[DonnaT]

Hi Jenny,

Sorry things have been so stagnant on the rough side of the road lately. They'll get better.

At 20, you're already an adult. I was 20 when I got married, my wife was 19. I certainly believe that you've done a lot more growing up in the last few years than many of your friends.

And as an adult, you are on an equal playing ground with your dad. Don't let him treat you like a kid. I think it's time you start taking more control of your life and quit worrying about your dad's welfare.

Where do you see yourself 2, 5, or 10 yrs down the road? Are you happy with what you see or do you need to make some changes? Plan for your future.

[Allena]

Hi ya Jenny,

Sorry to hear you have the blahs.
Sometimes they can take over to where we let our spirits down and have our troubles roll right over us.
Hopefully after you've gotten some rest, you'll cheer up!

It sounds as though you really need a friend there. One who can come over and sit beside you and listen... just listen... while you talk through your feelings. I'm sorry your Dad couldn't be there at that time.

The internet really frustrates me sometimes.
Reading your post makes me want to over to your house and to help you feel better!

It's like watching a movie though...
You know, the kind where you are sitting at the edge of your seat calling out to the main character... "Don't go in there!", "Don't let them go, (s)he's the one for you!", etc.
You can see all the bad stuff that's going to happen, but no matter how much you shout at the screen, you won't be able to help.

I feel like that sometimes over the internet.
As much as I'd like to drop by, sit down in a chair and lend you an ear and a shoulder, all I've got is this computer screen.

I think for once, I won't analyze your comments, I won't offer any of my sage advice ( ); I'll just listen.

OH, and I'll offer you a few of these...



Take care, you!

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Jenny,

Unfortunately, gray winter days are good at triggering the blahs aren't they. And I know you've had a rough year. If it's any consolation part of becoming an adult is realizing life isn't as simple (or as nice) as you thought it was as a child. I'm so sorry you had to go through the process so quickly, but on the positive side, it means you can move one to the next step -- which is realizing things aren't as bleak as they might first seem.

Please don't take this as patronizing, but at your age, most people (including myself) tend to see things in fairly black-and-white terms. That's good in some ways -- young people have a great capacity for outrage over perceived wrongs. OTOH, as you get older you get more used to the contradictions and inequities of life. I'm not sure that's a better attitude, but it happens.

As far as your Dad, yes you are an adult -- and you may need to remind him of that. Because to him, you'll always be his "little girl." Yeah, it's not fair, but that how it is between many parents and their adult children. To be honest, going to uni may help in that regard, it's one of those "life markers" that will help your Dad realize you're all grown up now.

As far as your boyfriend, he was an immature jerk and you made the right decision to dump him (if nothing else, that sort of possessiveness is common in spouse abusers). There is a man out there who will treat you like the special woman you are. It may take some time, but you'll find him.

As far as your best friend, obviously she and you are right to feel angry with her mother. This is not to defend her mother, but she may not want to see because 1) the possibility is too terrifying for her to contemplate, and 2) she's concerned about what it says about her that she married a man who would molest his own daughters, and 3) guilt that she hasn't done any thing.

And yes, hypocrites suck...

As far as your gay friend, please don't feel too guilty about that. You and your friend had the best of intentions -- and at age 15 you both had a child's view of how adults are supposed to behave toward their children. Unfortunately, even as an adult you'll find that sometimes bad things happen despite the best of intentions. It's just the way things are...

Anyway, I don't mean to add to your down mood, but I just wanted to let you know you're not the first person to feel this way and no, you're not being punished. There's a reason life is called the "school of hard knocks." Obviously, those hard knocks aren't fun, but they too will pass...