We are a community, whether you are trans, have a trans partner, trans sibling or trans parent, we are in the same community.
See, the thing is, Jenny, there is so much more to all of us than the CDing issue. It may be part of our lives, either as a participant or as someone who loves someone who participates, but it is not the totality of who we are.
That's the one sentence that really stood out from your post. Once you stop making excuses for him and move on, it'll be hard to ever let go of that guilt I sense you feel, in your efforts to reject him. All in spite of the threatening and abusive behaviour towards you. I wish you luck in finding someone who can really help you let go. You've shown a lot of strength these past few years, but if you truly want to move on, you need to be stronger in your convictions.
As others have said, never feel you don't belong here. You have friends here who care about you and I know we all wish you luck.
I know I’m naïve and at times say silly things, but I’m finding my way in the world by myself and I’m trying to avoid making any major blunders like some of my g/f’s have. Now the next time a guy says he loves me I’m thinking what he’s saying is I want to have sex with you. That’s what we see in movies and read in magazines when people say about making love, all it is, is a nicer way of saying they’re having or want to have sex. How do you separate the two? Sex or love?, or can’t you have love without sex, or don’t some people know the difference? well I know I can but then if people say I’m a bit strange then I probably am I suppose.
Anyway, one of the girls at work last night said they saw him with another girl so he’s obviously got over me quicker than I’m getting over him, but it’s good really because it makes me feel a bit safer if he’s got another girl, I don’t like putting him down all the time because he’s really good when he’s good, in fact he’s a great person to be with, so maybe I just wasn’t right for him and I brought out the other side of him and she’ll have better luck, well I hope so, for both of them.
Anyway, thanks for telling it like it is, I appreciate straight talk, you’re a lot like my Gran was in a lot of ways ( and I mean that in the nicest way), but she said things straight from the hip and we used to have lots of real deep chats when I stayed over with her. Even the day before she died last year we had one of those chats even though she struggled at times with it and I could hardly hear what she was saying at times, but she said for me to always remember to be my own person and do what I have to, do what you need to but also do what I want to. I asked her what she meant exactly and she gave me one of her looks and said I’d work it out. She was one to make you think, she’d say things and you’d look at her and she’d say, think about it, you’ll work it out, but she was like you, she had a good handle on life.
I really appreciate what you men and women say to me, I know I’m short on life experience and it’s particularly good to get an honest view from the male side of things, it’s not easy sometimes because guys seem to stick together so much, so thanks for your honesty. I sort of keep coming back here because I got so much help and advice when I was struggling with my Dad dressing like a woman, and I still struggle with it even though I’d never tell him that. Sometimes I feel a bit different to other people, if that makes sense. Sort of like there’s a part of me that can’t be talked about with everyone else. Does that make any sense? But you people seem to know exactly what I’m talking about. I feel sad sometimes when I read here about guys who have a wife who lets them dress up and I just wish my Mum had been like that and we’d all still be together, but it didn’t happen. I suppose it gets back to love, real love and how deep that love for the other person is and what you can put up with. I guess I’m a bit like my Mum maybe, she didn’t love Dad enough to be able to put up with what he does and I didn’t love my ex enough to put up with how he is at times. Obviously that old statement I’ve heard about love conquering all, is just in someone’s imagination.
I am so glad that you are talking your way through this. You have a very good head on your shoulders so trust it. When I was your age the only thing I had to worry about was where the party was, what time was class, and doing well in college. Please feel confident in your choice to break up with him. I was a little concernedwhen you gave him the benefit of the doubt that he can change. Yes, men, and women, have the capacity to stop abusive behaviorbut it takes time and a lot of work!
You also stated that you woud never tell your dad that his dressing still upsets you. IMHO communication is the key to navigting this , as Virginia says," Magical mystery tour". As for your mom "not loving him enough", that my not be the case. I believe every SO loves their spouse it is just that some are better equipped emotionally to handle it. I am a believer that it is not the crossdressing that causes a marriage to dissolve but the underlying issues that bubble up and the so just uses the dressing as it seems easier and less complicated.
Hang in there Jenny. You are doing great.
_______
Lisa (SO)
*The rewards of love are always greater than the cost.*
Many of us have struggled to come to terms with our choice of clothing or our sense of gender. Struggle is a good word. We struggle with difficult assignments in school. We struggle not to give in to our fears.
I've struggled to climb mountains. And then viola, the mountain is climbed. Struggle is good, it is a sign of not giving up.
Perhaps telling your dad is fine. Perhaps it's a way of telling him I love you and there are things I have trouble with. I need your help to move past them. He might be very comforted by this. As everyone here has said, communication is key.
My parents had the same thoughts about love conquering all. And real love, the kind we see in people like Ghandi or Martin Luther King, is extremely powerful. It can also be very different from infatuation. Most of all it is not possessive.
But....they endured years of violence at each others hands, both emotional and physical, and made their kids be witnesses to it. I don't think that was love at all. It was fear of being alone and guilt.
Glad things seem to be improving and glad we have been helpful to you.
Absaroka
everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
You probably haven’t read all the stuff I said somewhere else in here back in 2005, but the gist of it was that when sis and I first walked in on Dad when he was wearing Mum’s clothes, well, it threw our home into turmoil for ages (mainly all my fault too, I freaked the biggest) and it took so long before I got my head right, and we had so many discussions about it all, it’s all we ever talked and yelled about for a year or more In the first they weren’t all that pleasant but as time went by I was able to just about come to terms with it, and I was helped so much by what people here said and all the reading I did about it. Even though Mum and sis have never come to terms with it.
What I’m trying to say is that I can’t see anywhere else now to go with talking about it. Nobody in the world loves their Dad more than I love mine and even if he ever did something real bad, like killing someone or that, I’d always stick by him and love him, he’smy Dad, but as hard as I’ve tried to make myself 100% ok with it, I just can’t ever lose that uneasy feeling, if you know what I’m getting at. I’d never tell him this because how his face looked back when it all blew up still haunts me and I never want to see my dad so unhappy and sad as he was then, so that’s the reason I put a smile on my face when we’re together and I could never tell him how I really feel because of the reason I said. I’m hoping that with time it’ll get better for me, so we’ll see.
What makes me uneasy is that we talk on the phone every week and he usually at some time in the conversation starts talking about women’s stuff, you know, clothes and that, and I think to myself that I should be talking with my Mum about these things not my Dad, it makes me uneasy, and all my life until I was 16 Dad never talked about those sort of things and it’s hard to accept now that he does. He’s a man, he’s my Dad, I just think at times how can wives ever really become easy with their husbands when they suddenly find out after lots of years what their husbands have done all their married life in dressing up as women. It just doesn’t seem like a normal natural conversation we should be having, if you follow me. I can’t get my head around my father talking about things such as bras, for one thing he hasn’t got anything to put in one so why should he want to wear one, that just makes me uneasy. I know what my best friends father did to her all her life doesn’t help, and I try to put that out of my mind because I know Dad’s not like that.
Anyway, I do have good days and I have days not so good with it all, but it’s a lot, lot better than it used to be. I tried so hard to make him happier than how he was at first, I even helped him dress up a few times last year and we went to the movies together and that made him really happy. Anyway, I just wanted to explain it a bit to you about all the communicating him and me have done the last couple of years, but the uneasiness is still there for me, and Iw anted to explain that the reason I never tell him how I really feel is that if you saw his face and the defeat which showed all over him back when he had a house of 3 females coming down on him, then you’d know why I don’t ever want my Dad to go through that again, and he’s only got me to support him now because he’s still hurting for Mum and I think he always will. He can wear all the dresses he likes as far as I’m concerned and I’;ll never say a bad word about him.
have no sage advice. "I" only run on my own set of morals.
most of them,..are old world. old school.
most of them,..society has thrown out.
I hear someone talking about dealing with a father...
wish to hell mine was here TO deal with. he decided a 12 gauge shotgun was easier than living. ain't coz I didn't think about it myself.
what do I tell someone about THEIR dad? I will sound selfish here,...maybe I should apologize....but maybe? go to him,..put your arms around him,..and show him the love and support he needs right now.......whether dad's conversations sound more like what mom's should be or not.......at least he is still here with you...right?
don't let him go to his grave thinking he failed just because he has some quirks.......
ain't met no one yet that's perfect. we all got some quirk in us.
Jen you sound like a very loving and devoted daughter. If you've talked with him a lot you may be right about giving talk a rest and letting your actions speak. Actions always speak louder than words and it sounds like you are on the right track.
However speaking as a father I can tell you that there is nothing in your post that should be upsetting to him if you did say it.
I do think that you dressing him up may be a boundary issue but it's really hard to know. For example my daughter loves to braid my hair. Always has and it is totally comfortable for us both. You do need to be aware of your comfort level in this area. And your father needs to remember that he is a parent and that you are his daughter. If there are things that are uncomfortable for you it is his responsibility to be supportive.
There are just some things that aren't always appropriate between even adult children and parents. But that is for you to decide.
Absaroka
everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
