It's only me again

[Absaroka]

Jennifer, please read your first paragraph of the last post again. Because you're right. It's just crazy. Here in the USA such thoughts are usually met with an offer to sell you the Brooklyn Bridge. There are some other colloquialisms equally appropriate but they aren't really printable here. You basically said that your boyfriend hitting you on the head from behind and knocking you out might be a sign he still loves you. And that you wouldn't want anything bad to happen to him like him losing his job just because he beats people up and gets irrationally angry when women won't have sex with him. Gee, I always thought people like that were called muggers and rapists. He's just trying to trick you by not taking the money after he knocked you out and by not raping you. But he's no better than the junkie who hits an old lady on the head and takes her purse.

If he ever finds a woman who will stay with him (and the odds are good that he will), just how do you think he will treat his children if this is how he treats a grown woman? After all, kids can be very difficult, far more difficult than adults. Visualizing him as a child abuser may help you. Visualize him doing all the things he did to you in front of your kids. Visualize him doing it to your daughter someday. Does that help you understand just what a lie it is when he portrays himself as someone who loves you in any way? If you're like a great many women I know, if he did these things to your children you would cut his throat in a heartbeat and never ever regret it. Well, you are someone's daughter also......

You say that no matter what he does you'll always get back up. Cemeteries are full of people who thought that and were proved wrong.

Keeping a journal is a great idea. And I think it is very good that you have begun to involve the police. Although he may well ignore a restraining order, continuing to involve the police as much as possible lays the groundwork for future action should things continue.

I'm not sure you really loved HIM, although that is a very presumptous thing to say. You see, I don't see him as a lovable person, except in the sense that we are all children of God and God loves us all. I think you may have loved the person he fooled you into thinking he was. But he lied to you. He lied to you with his actions when you first met. He lied to you when he pretended to be a person who was capable of love and he lied to you when he pretended to be a person who would treat you with respect. He lied to you when he tried to pretend not to be a seriously disturbed 14 year old in a grown man's body.

And no, you aren't being a cry baby. That's the wierd guilt about so much stuff that you seem to have that you need to get rid of. Keep right on posting.

Personally, I don't think moving is such a bad idea. There must be lots of other good waitressing jobs in other cities.

Absaroka

[Lucy Michelle]

I see it from your point of view, but in my shoes he does sound genuinely scary. At the risk of sounding like my mother, make sure theres someone looking out for you at all times (no I didn't always take that advise).

Take care and good luck.

[Georgia(SO)]

Jenny -

I was you many years ago. I didn't want to tell my parents because Daddy had not liked this guy when I was dating him and certainly wasn't happy when I married him. Ditto for my sister, whose husband that Daddy disapproved of broke her arm and hurt the children. In America, the statistics are that 1 out of 2 women will be hurt by a man in their life. In our very normal, very non-violent family, my younger sister and our mother were not - my older sister and myself were hurt by our husbands.

I stayed for a long time after the first attack - some 9 more years - for a number of reasons, including the fact that I really did not want Daddy to say "I told you so". I didn't believe that my husband was an abuser, nor that I was an abused woman. I thought he had a short temper, that I had done something that set him off, that he loved me and didn't know how to express it, that pressures from work, etc. were the cause - and my personal favorite in hindsight - that he didn't know any better because his family was pretty rough. And part of me still loved him and didn't want anything bad to happen to him, and I didn't want to (are you ready for this one?) hurt him by leaving.

Jennifer, I do not think you are crazy. I know that when you are in this situation, it's really hard to figure out how this man you loved could be doing these things. My ex-husband had the most marvelous sense of humor - truly one of the funniest men I've ever met. And he was kind to strangers - I was always impressed by how helpful he would be if anyone needed a hand. One side of him is a fine, fine person. One side isn't. They aren't 100% monster, so it's truly hard to figure out how they can be violent with someone they say they love. It is that juxtaposition of a really cool, charming man with this angry violent person that makes it hard to recognize that these people cannot control their anger or their wish to control other people in their lives.

Your ex-boyfriend sounds dangerous. Not because of anything you have told us about him, other than that he appears to be stalking you and that the violence has escalated. First, he tried to intimidate you into having sex before you were ready. Then he grabbed you and hurt you in a car sometime back. And now he has knocked you unconcious and fled before even finding out if you were ok.

You should also know that abusers do not usually hurt their SO every day. There is a cycle of abuse, and it can run for a very long time. My husband was only physically violent about once a year or so, which also contributed to my delusion that he was just mean, not abusive. But the verbal abuse was much more common, and by then, I was living scared most of the time.

My mother's reaction was surprising to me. My parents are solid church people and a divorce is unthinkable in our family. My mother is the world's champion at "sticking it out because you made a committment" and "for the kids' sake". But when I called her and told her he had hit me and asked what I should do, she never even paused - she said, "You must get out of there."

Now, you said two things that concern me...

1. but I dont want them [your parents] worrying or knowing how I've stuffed my life up"
Jennifer - this is NOT your fault. You did nothing wrong. You didn't even pick the wrong guy - he appeared charming and friendly and sincere - abusers do not show up for the first date with a big sign on their forehead that says "Don't trust me". And you broke up with a guy. People do it all the time, for good and bad reasons. Most jilted lovers take it in some form of stride. They write songs about how they miss you. They may try, in the first week or two, to call you. You had no way of knowing that this guy wasn't going to behave well. You are not the person who screwed this up - he is. He is the one who is stalking and being violent.

2. You also said "Reading your history now and what you've told me before during this year, my troubles are small potatoes to what you went through".
Jennifer, my ex-husband never knocked me unconcious. Your situation has the potential to become much, much worse than mine ever did.

Now, this is a decision you have to make for yourself, and I'm pulling out of it because the last thing you need is more pressure from a bunch of people you don't know. You are welcome to PM me, always - and we will talk. But it seems to me that this thread is now getting to the point that all of us are pushing you harder than you are comfortable with. Everyone on this thread is concerned for you, but it comes down to your decision. I'll back off - you know yourself better than any of us do. You have the tools to make your own decisions. PM me if you want to talk... I do not think you are silly, or crazy, or cowardly. I think that you are just hoping it will all go away - we are all afraid that it won't. Again, you are welcome to PM me.

-georgia(so)

[SilverLady(SO)]

Georgia, you have that unique ability to get to the heart of things, and I felt your pain when you were relating your past home life. All I can say is that I am so very glad that you made it out of that terrible situation and are here with us now.

Jenny, please take what Absaroka and Georgia just wrote to heart, and re-examine the situation. I think you know deep-down what you need to do, but you are afraid to do it. I think we can all understand that, as it's called 'fear of the unknown' and that, in itself, can be very scary, too.

Now, this is a decision you have to make for yourself, and I'm pulling out of it because the last thing you need is more pressure from a bunch of people you don't know.

. . . But it seems to me that this thread is now getting to the point that all of us are pushing you harder than you are comfortable with. Everyone on this thread is concerned for you, but it comes down to your decision. I'll back off - you know yourself better than any of us do. You have the tools to make your own decisions.

. . . I do not think you are silly, or crazy, or cowardly. I think that you are just hoping it will all go away - we are all afraid that it won't.

I agree, but first I must ask you something: If your beloved grandmother were still alive, and you were to tell her everything that you've just told us about your ex-boyfriend . . . what advice would she give to you? And then, would you follow-up and do what she suggested?

Just think about it, hon . . . and in the meantime, I think everyone should just back off and give you a chance to really think about things.

We'll be here, waiting for you, and please don't hesitate to PM or email Georgia, myself, or anyone else, for a more one-on-one talk.

Lots of love and hugs, Jenny dear.



- SL