Not Gay enough

[Kalee]

"Not gay enoough" that is what my new boyfriend said to me!
He doesnt like the fact that I dress like a female! We have been together for 3 months now and I care for him deeply, but he doesnt want to see me dressed up in my gurl clothes! He said he wants a man and if he wanted a woman he would have went after one!
I am so hurt, and heartbroken.
It is bad enough being singled out for being gay, but to go even farther and be singled out by a gay? this is just too much!
But what do you think? Do most gay guys only want guys that dont crossdress?

[DonnaT]

Sorry you are having guy troubles.

In answer to your question, Probably.

Not much different from most natal women wanting men who don't dress.

However, there are a good number of gay, bi, and 'straight' men who are attracted to men who dress.

[Lucy Michelle]

Thats terrible I hope you can resolve your differences.

I cant answer your question definitively however ive come across examples where relationships blossom.

As Donna says, there are a good number of gay, bisexual and "straight' men who are attracted to men who dress.

[Virginia]

Kalee,

I too am sorry that your relationship is struggling and hope that you can find an acceptable solution.

I will have to say that I doubt that you will find few if any girls on this forum who can answer your question. I can only say that of the few gay friends that I have, unfortunately they would side with your SO. A gay wants another gay who presents as male in most instances. As he eluded to, if he had wanted a female he probably would have pursued such.

We all wish you luck in finding a solution to his dilemma. Some of the onus may lie with you and your determining who you are. I may get taken to the woodshed again for this, but I don't know, well I don't know any gay crossdressers. There is a world of difference between Drag Queens and crossdressers. From what I understand, most, not all, but most Drag Queens are simply gay entertainers not crossdressers.

If we can help you in your search, we are here for you, dear!

Love,

Virginia

[Kalee]

I want to thank all of you for your replies!
But I really do go out more as a woman than as a man, and i am gay but I hope i dont look like a drag queen!
I try to look like any other woman out there in the world , with my jeans and tank-tops.
Getting back on topic, i never looked at him as feeling the same thing as a strait woman does when she finds out about her man,,,but that is a very good point !! that gives me a new perspective on things! Thankyou!!

[Anita]

Hi Kalee--
I have known two gay males in our TG support group. Both of them came out as gay first, and then later on in life decided that they were really transgendered.

The first gal ended up with another transgendered woman for a partner. The second gal is actively looking for straight men. She had to leave her gay male partner of 8 years, because he couldn't make the switch to her becoming a woman.

I'm not sure how the partners of drag queens handle the relationship. I know that the drag queen that I perform with is out of female clothes as soon as he steps off the stage.

I have had a few gay men attracted to my femme self over the years, but only in a fleeting moment. As Virginia said, they seem to want men, and that is true even if the men are somewhat femme acting. But those femme men don't dress as women.

What am I saying here? It seems like if gay men consider their womanly personalities to be important, then they end up leaving gay culture behind them. Only you know which culture you feel is your future--gay, with minimal dressing, or transgender, with much more dressing and/or acting as a woman. It just doesn't seem like the two cultures mix very well, as you're finding out with your partner.

[Violet]

There are a lot of people out there who have got suckered into the 'gay-straight divide' theory of sexuality. It has been my experience that a lot of gay people - esp. older guys or those who identify most intensely with the 'gay culture' or 'gay identity' - who are really down on bisexuals, TG's, anyone who deviates from some sort of 'normative' idea of homosexuality that they have in their mind. This is sad! I think really some of it comes down to the same reason a lot of straights are so hostile to gays, because they feel the sexual ambiguity of desires within themselves and they can't handle it. Too much cognitive dissonance. Think about it. There has to be some reason this guy was attracted to you in the first place. Did he know you were a CD from the start of your relationship? If so, and he didn't like it, why would he ignore it? Does he expect you to stop for him? He has no right to try to change you to satisfy his selfish desires. Bottom line I feel is, if he can't accept all that you are and learn to deal with you the person instead of the person he wants to have, he's not worth your time!

[Amelie-Laveau]

I think your BF is looking for an excuse to end the relationship. If he knew that you liked to dress as a woman then he knew who you were. And if he’s gay then, just like being gay, he should have known that you could never give up the dressing part of your life. I’m sorry for this, but I think he wants out of the relationship.

As far as do all gay men only want other gay men? This is not so. One group of people can’t be lumped together to have similar desires. We are all different with different desires. Just like it can’t be said that all straight men want only women. I have had plenty of straight men date me and they never thought they were gay or did anything gay. It all depends on the individual’s tastes in life, labels are usually meaningless,, ya gots to find a man(or woman) that loves you for who you are, just be upfront with that person right from the start.