Crossdressers-Haven.com

How come no one has posted a question for us yet??????

Well lefty as U know I do not have to worry about that much.


LOL

Jessie

PS I may have one in the future

Well here is a question I guess.

Why do Bras always cut into your chest?


Jessie

He's cute????

I'm not sure what you mean by applying this thought when dressing ...but I'd love to find out what you mean.... could you elaborate for us :

It must be particular to ones nature - I think many of the same thoughts except how men are cute - my brain doesn't work that way. No matter what I'll keep eyeing women & checking them out. To each their own

Thank you Cindy, for explaining that statement to me...

I understand better now what you were trying to express, thanks again!

And thank you Anne, it's great to hear from you. I am very grateful that you felt strong enough to post

I like to hear as many opinions as possible!

My partner and I have very different tastes in styles of clothes and makeup. I'm not so concerned about what goes through my partner's mind when dressing only that they are happy with the woman that they see when they are done( meaning,happy with themselves).

Even though we may have different tastes as woman, we are still able to enjoy and appreciate the other and I think that's what counts the most!!!!

Cindy,

I had to give that some thought because as a GG, wardrobe matters have to be versatile and functionable for your everyday lifestyle and occupation. Fun clothes are another story altogether.

In general I own a lot of Tasteful Neutrals especially BLACK!!!!!!!

I like things to be somewhat fitted as I am petite and don't like to swim in my clothes!!!!

My fun clothes, on the other hand ,can be all sorts of trendy variations with more patterns and colors.

The most important thing I try to remember is that the clothes must look good on me.

I'm not an advertisement for how great the clothes look rather they are an advertisement for how great I look!!!!( there's a positive shopping mantra ladies!!!)
That's what I think about most when dressing!

My SO has very fun trendy tastes ALL THE TIME!!!!!!
You name it bright,flashy,feathers,fringes,lacey...etc.

She has a great time and her taste is a reflection on how she feels or what mood she'd like to convey at the time.

No matter what she's wearing, she always looks great!!!

LeftyRainbow sez: "I'm not an advertisement for how great the clothes look rather they are an advertisement for how great I look!!!!"

You know, I've been thinking about that for a while now and I think she's right on the money. Frankly, how many times have we bought something "great" because we liked it on the rack but the item never quite looked right on us -- even if it fit size-wise.

I think LR's on to something . . . when looking for clothes we ought to be looking for something that will make US look great, not just great looking clothes to wear.

I shall change my shopping habits a little bit now (although I'll be sticking with the color black! ) Thanks LeftyRainbow!

No surprise here, but I'm with you Alexandra.

What an eye opening post by Lefty!!!

That post will help me alter my mindset too.

It seems like it's so obvious now that it's said, but I honestly hadn't been thinking that way.

Thank you Lefty!!!

Beauty

Hi all,

What goes through my mind when I dress up?

First, I wish I could share this part of who I am with someone. Not being in a relationship right now, that's always the first thing that comes to mind.

Then, in no particular order:

I feel high (not like on drugs or anything, but just in an altered state of consciousness--as if I were simultaneously both no longer myself and more myself than ever!);

I feel excited, sexually and psychologically, almost as though--and I imagine this may not be reassuring to some SOs out there, but there it is--I were both the object and the subject of my own erotic attraction;

I feel a delicious sense of "naughtiness," as if I were violating some taboo--which I guess I am, of course. This particular feeling usually only comes when I'm out in public (not that often) right on the heels of having "passed," as I'm thinking, "If only you knew how little these pretty panties carry the package you think it does!" ;

I feel serene and content. I know it sounds contradictory. How can you feel high and excited while also feeling deeply peaceful. I don't know. I just do. I haven't tried to overanalyze it yet;

I feel as though I should make a bit of an effort to lose those 25 extra pounds I carry--something I never think about in boy mode. Then again, when I'm en femme, I carry that extra weight well and in all the right places...;

I feel as though the world was "righted" somehow, in that I can much more easily interact with others, even if it's mostly with women--I love women, and my sexual orientation is the one thing I'm sure about in my otherwise convoluted sex life. It just feels more natural to be in the world as Christina. And, no, I don't think that makes me a transsexual.

Well, that's some of it, anyway. I don't know how many others here feel these same kinds of things. I have to point out, though, that all these feelings vary in their intensity, depending on my mood, situation, and, yes, purpose, in dressing up. I've been with SOs where Christina comes out mostly in the bedroom and I've been out on the town several times with nary a sexual thought crossing my mind. That high, though, that edgy delight, is always there when I'm dressed. It's my only addiction. Well, along with cigarettes, I guess.

As far as Lefty and Alexandra's opinions go on the colour black, I concur. Black is slimming (hey, this girl needs all the help she can get; an artfully laced Merry Widow just isn't enough!).

I look forward to getting more input on this. That was a great question you put to us, there, Sharon, a wonderful inducement to introspection. I had a lot of pleasure answering it, and learned something about myself tonight, and I hope others have, too. Thanks.

Love,
CJ

[quote="CJ"]
I feel excited, sexually and psychologically, almost as though--and I imagine this may not be reassuring to some SOs out there, but there it is--I were both the object and the subject of my own erotic attraction;

Hi CJ,

Glad you wrote that, because this is what I've been thinking about, but up till now I've not seen anyone say it.
I think that this is the hardest thing for me to accept, I no longer feel like I'm the object of my husband's erotic attraction, crossdressing is, and this makes me feel insecure and excluded. This is also one of the hardest things to talk about. I don't want to sound selfish and say 'where do I fit in, in all this'?
Obviously, this is something that up till now, Ed has done on his own, and now we want to incorporate it into our shared life, how do I get past my negative feelings, that I'm not the centre of his desire?
(Big problem at the moment is that I am working evenings and nights, so we've not had much time together )
We've had some intimate moments where Ed has been dressed, and I have enjoyed it, but I still have niggling insecurities going on. Maybe they will pass, in time.
Hope this makes sense, hard to say exactly what I mean, I can't always work out what I'm feeling myself! I suppose the crossdressing almost feels like a third party introduced to our sex life.
How do I get to the stage of not feeling side-lined by it? Any help from other SO's or CDer's would be great.
Sorry for sounding negative.

Curly(SO).

Curly,

I can honestly understand why you would be confused and feel the way you do about not being the object of your husband's erotic attraction. If I was a woman and married to a CD I would, in all probability have the same feelings. However, there's another angle from which to look at this. Most crossdressers will readily admit that they have an above average appreciation and admiration of femininity. I know I do and I'm reasonably certain that this same feeling is mutual in most CDs. This extraordinary fascination with femininity isn't an indication that your husband no longer finds you to be desirable, nor does it means he prefers crossdressing over you. I know that if I were in his shoes. . . huh. . . . make that pumps. . . I'd be even more appreciative and in love with you than ever before simply because you are making an all out effort to understand him and incorporate his desires to dress into your life. My guess would be that this IS the way he feels. Yes, he's fascinated by the freedom he has to dress and to ask your advice about things related to dressing, makeup, etc, but that ability can only serve to make him feel closer to you. In reality you ARE the center of his desire. Ever hear the old saying that "Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery?" Well, he's CERTAINLY trying to imitate you and he MUST believe that you're the best looking thing on earth or he wouldn't be trying to look like a woman.

With your acceptance and continued support there's no reason why the two of you can't be closer than you've ever been and only grow even more close in the future. I can truthfully say this because I have a wife that's totally NON accepting. Being in such a position I know how I'd feel just to hear her tell me that she was going to try to learn to accept me just like I am rather than me having to 'put up a front' all the time to keep the peace. It's extremely depressing to have done everything one can possibly think of to assure their wife that she'll ALWAYS be number one, and that crossdressers are NOT all bi, gay, or have a desire to be a woman full time. Your husband has placed his trust in you and you've recipocated by doing the same in him. Maybe he's going through the "Kid In The Store" phase right now and if that's the case you can look for things to smooth out when that's over with.

Just keep in mind that his feminine side is a big part of what attracted you to him to begin with. He probably didn't realize it at the time and it's a cinch that you didn't, but stop and think about it for a minute and imagine what he might be like if you could suddenly remove all those imbedded characteristics. I'd venture a guess that the resulting personality would be one that you wouldn't be nearly as pleased with.

Never believe that you're not number one in his life, for I can assure you that you are. I can say this (as I said above) because I know how I would feel if I had the acceptance from my own wife that you've given your husband.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

Hi Curly,

First, I need to say this: you are definitely not sounding negative. I fully understood when I wrote that sentence that some SOs would both recognize the behaviour as well as want to talk about it more openly. Like you, I haven't seen many of my sisters, here, mention this feeling of "self-attraction," but I know for a fact that some CDs do feel that way. Again, that's some, not all. I'm really glad you responded, Curly. I'll do my best to explain.

What set my mind to explore more openly this side of crossdressing was a comment I read in another thread (which I can't, for the life of me, find anymore) about a certain narcissism that attends to crossdressing. It was the very first question my mother asked when, several days after I'd been discovered by my father, she'd been "brought in" for the interrogation. As she sat there, calm and collected, at the kitchen table, she asked me, point blank, "Do you do this so that you can be your own girlfriend?" I couldn't answer, I was so embarrassed. As I wandered into my teens, still a crossdresser, that question came back to haunt me many times. It became part of all those things I was so desperately trying to understand about myself. Was this the case, that I was my own girlfriend? I had no clue.

Part of me now thinks it's true (that I do subconsciously believe that, I mean) but a bigger part of me thinks that's baloney--I've had healthy, lengthy, and sexually fulfilling relationships with wonderful women and, when crossdressing there was, it was always integrated into our sex life (pleasurably so, I may add). The part of me that wants to deny any truth to the charge of narcissism is helpless to explain the allure of my own image in a mirror. On the other hand, the part of me that likes its own reflection knows that the best reflection comes out of the eyes of a loving partner. I understand that all this still just relates to me and my own desires. In some of my earlier relationships, when I was still juggling with how best to express this side of myself in relation to my SOs, I have been accused of narcissism, sexual selfishness, and furtiveness (somehow, in my SOs' eyes, this last seemed the worst of all). Of course, I was guilty as charged. That admission, by itself, couldn't change who I was, though. Hence, the need to take things one step further.

I came to understand (and the price of that understanding was akin to walking across a bed of hot coals, Curly, trust me) that I was, indeed, deficient in my ability to reach out, to look to, to want a connection to other people in my life. I was like a sea anemone, with my tentacles forever closed to the life around me. I'd built such an indestructible wall around my soul that I'd become only too happy to delude myself into believing that it was there for a good reason. When I showed myself to the world, the world was ready to drag me, kicking and screaming, into the nearest therapist's office. But I was just a kid, Curly. I was just a damn kid. So, I stopped showing the world who I really was and necessarily became comfortable just being with myself. I was a recluse in my own body. And, after a while, the echo didn't bother me too much.

What this did is, it prevented me from acquiring some of the social skills so vital to mental health, one of those skills being the ability to communicate openly and freely with another person. Another skill I sorely lacked was the capacity to reach out to others when they're not forthcoming themselves (I'm still working on that, with the help of places such as this forum). All this having been said, can you see what tremendous amount of work was required of me to succeed in breaking down those barriers? These crumbling walls were the very structure around which I'd draped my identity and my personality, as a human being mainstream society considered to be deviant and perverted. I couldn't live within them anymore, though; I was too lonely and too alone. They had to come down. Otherwise, I knew I would die. This is where that extra step I mentioned above comes in.

I knew that, in order to have a healthy, two-way, relationship with a woman (or a friend, or even a stranger, for that matter), I absolutely had to develop skills that would help me focus on other people rather than merely on myself. I was an "inner-directed" child; as an adult, I had to work at, not becoming an "other-directed" person, but at striking a healthy balance between looking within and looking without. I started welcoming people within my psychological and emotional space. I started wanting to know everything there is to know about the entire world and all the people in it. I became a sponge, as if to make up for all those years I spent living in a big empty cave. This attitude, of course, spilled over into my intimate relationships.

I could now see my girlfriends for who they were. And you know what, Curly? It was their own light, their own much beloved light, that came spilling from their eyes, not a reflection of my own.

I'm a crossdresser. Crossdressing is a compulsive behaviour, one I'm powerless to stop (and wouldn't want to, anyhow). I don't think I'll ever not be a crossdresser. I do find sexual pleasure in the act of dressing; mirrors are an accessory to that end--especially for a single girl like myself. However, the almost mystical feeling I get when I share myself (and all my quirks and foibles, including my "Christinaness") with a woman, knowing that she also is sharing herself with me, is something that can never be had in any other way. That's the extra step I took. It was difficult, but ultimately liberating. For both myself and my, eventual, SO.

I don't know if any of this is helpful to you, Curly. I hope so. I don't think I'm that different in my way of being a transvestite than most of my sisters, here, including Ed (although I'm going out on a limb, here, by saying that--I don't know him). What I especially want you to keep in mind is the fact that we've built shells around ourselves, and have gotten used to the idea of being dangerously emotionally self-sufficient. But, with the love, patience, and understanding of a loving partner, that shell can turn out to be no more difficult to crack open than an egg--the beginning of all life. I wish you strength and courage, Curly.

Love,
CJ

How beautiful CJ, bravo.

Curly, let me agree. If anything, CDs idolize and love their wives & SOs more than average.

Yours, Anne

VERY well written post Christina, powerfully honest.

From my reading of other's stories, I think your description of that inward withdrawal and the crippling effects of that withdrawal on one's socialization is one that will resonate with most TG persons be they CD or TS. I understand that need to breach the walls, and it does come to us all in one way or another. Some can't accomplish it, and they often become sad suicide statistics. I am so very pleased that you have found your way through those walls into the company of others.

If I might ask, at what age did you subject yourself to the rather ruthless but necessary self-examination that gave you this insight? How old were you when you arrived at your understandings?

I do have a thought for you Curly. My friend Mike found golf relatively late in life (31) and he found it challenging to his coordination, concentration and what ever other skills it takes to play golf effectively, and being of a competitive nature, he didn't like it that others in his circle at work were better at something than he was. Now it obsessively consumes a major part of his weekly activities, and his wife Vera became that most neglected of souls, the golf widow. I don't mean to make light of their situation, but in all the years of their marriage, the last 10 have been the most stressful to both. Golfing magazines are all over their house. If Mike isn't playing golf, he is thinking golf, reading golf, or watching it on television. Its hard for even old friends like me to drag him into the real world for brief periods and redirect his mind to such mundane things as computer upgrades (a previous obsession). They have had more fights in the last ten years than they had in all the time they've known each other, and they started dating in junior high. It even got so bad that Vera sold his $3,000.00 golf clubs during a garage sale for $5. I thought Mike was going to have a heart attack when he came into the garage and saw them gone. Fortunately for both, the buyer recognized a family tiff when he saw one and didn't take them far.

The thing is, her feelings didn't seem to be much different from yours. She actually thought he was having a secret affair, and the golf was just cover for it. Called me and grilled me for an hour trying to find out, and then paid a private detective $1,000 to follow him for two weeks when he was playing golf. Eventually, she felt golf was her competition for his love and affection, which I think is not true. Golf was her competition for his attention and since he was gone so much, for his companionship and his help in little chores around the house. Six months ago, she started playing golf. She scheduled her tee times with his, though her golf pals (also golf widows) play a much more leisurely game, and often wind up in the club socializing after only 9 holes, sometimes less. Now she knows where he is. And they actually went to a Halloween party together and neither was dressed in hokey golf clothes. And they actually talk again, even if it does start out as golf and get directed where she wants it to go.

Point is, Ed's alter ego was behind closed doors, dressing was always an guilty obsession in his mind. Now you know and she can be out. New freedom can be a dizzying thing, and it may take awhile for them to find their comfort zone. But usually he looked in a mirror to see himself before, and to dress and see her is a validation of what he felt inside. That, I think, can be a bit seductive, and it plays to the little bit of narcissist that lives in us all, male or female, CD or not.

Also Curly, when you were a little girl, did you spend a lot of time looking in the mirror at how makeup looked on you, how clothes looked, experimenting? My sister did as part of her learning to be a girl finding her own look. I think a CD or TG coming out of the closet may be in some ways a young girl. That side of him wasn't allowed to develop like you were, but as a male instead. Then he may have even avoided looking in the mirror. It was one of the things I did. Are there a lot of pictures of him before or as a youngster? I didn't like seeing myself in the old family pictures. Think of him/her as a much older teeny bopper, a case of arrested development, learning the lessons most girls have to learn. That would seem to explain a lot of the current mirror time too. And the, shall we say, desire for age inappropriate clothes?

Hope some of this makes sense. Be happy. Be well.