Crossdressers-Haven.com

Hi Jean,

I hear the frustration in your post. And while I admit that I have felt at different times that I was attacked by nothing more than rightious indignation, I must also confess that I withheld from my exwife that I was a crossdresser, until after we were married and had children.

Instead of preparing for an attack here, you might see that the mere pressence of (SO)'s here, shows they don't fit the stereotype you have combined them all into. Many of the SO's are very supportive and don't condemn crossdressing at all. My SO, Raven(SO) is totally supportive and loves me how I am. The complete opposite of my exwife.

Anyway, give the SO's here a chance, they are not all the same. And I hope you will stay and join the discussion here and see that life does go on for crossdressers. There is life after condemnation.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Hi jean,

You seem to be harbouring a bit of anger and angst towards Wives and SO's.
Personally I think on the average, women are more honest about themselves than men are and quoting phrases such as "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." really serves no useful purpose, it just invites conflict.

I think most women would freely admit that they have their 'quirks' too. Nobody is perfect, whatever that means. Who sets the guidlines for perfection in human beings?. Humanity worldwide is full of choices and prejudices against almost anything some people wish to identify with.

I believe it's the right of every woman to exercise her freedom of choice as to what degree she can accept or come to terms with her partner in anything at all, including his crossdressing needs or any deeper conflict.

I think we'd all agree that it's not any small issue, it's an issue of substance world wide, and that being so I believe any woman could reasonably and fairly expect that something of this magnitude would be revealed to her by an aspiring husband to be, well before any marriage plans or plans of any partnership were made.

Sure, I agree that there are women in the world who are just as discriminative as men and it's just a fact of life we have to accept and get over, that discrimination against race, colour, religion, culture, gender conflict, crossdressing etc etc is alive and well and probably always will be to some degree.

I've never been a believer that berating people over something which we may have suffered elsewhere is an answer to a problem. Usually you'll find that if you explain what is angering or upsetting you about anything in a coherant way then mostly people will respond in a like manner and engage in useful exchanges of ideas and information. Women mostly build bridges, they don't destroy them, I've always found them to be mostly helpful and give their best to adapt to situations, but I don't believe we can expect them to go along with everything a man may say or want, they are intelligent people and their views, needs and wants have to be respected, just the same as ours. I don't agree all the time with what my wife says but then if we all agreed all of the time we'd never learn anything.

I hope you can come to see the enormity of the situation a man puts a marriage in if he hasn't previously declared any crossdressing desires or gender conflicts. It's part of our culture that mostly women marry a man for all that the words 'my man' stands for, anything outside of that I am sure most would agree should be discussed and put out in the open, well before any contract is entered into. I think it's not just the right of the woman to know, I think it's a necessary courtesy as hiding it only starts the union off with a shakey foundation for the future.

My Kind Regards.

Sally.

Hi Jean,

I agree with Elizabeth and Sally. I would just like to say that this site is about support, and I suspect you might find some of that stuff, were you able to focus your posts toward that end.

Love Darlene.

Well girls guess I will be the "odd girl out!" here. I came out to my wife when Virginia became prevailent in my life and I began to explore "just what was going on with me." This forum, "Jung's Anima Theory" other areas enlightened me to accept who I was, where I was in life and to learn that I enjoy Virginia. Yes we tried counselling for about 12 sessions, my SO chose to terminate it not me as each seession seemed to revert back to her self-image, not my crossdressing.
My wife on the other hand was very conflicted, then claimed to accept then regressed to non-acceptance - all this with not having done any research on it, no reading, no discussion. YES, I have accepted that she has the right to her own opinion and the right to accept or reject Virginia. She has chosen (after almost 28 years of marriage) to reject it with no further comment! Fine, I opened the doors for her she chose not to pass through them so we will move on. Life is just to short not to try and enjoy yourself and if those around you choose a different path, so be it. I will reiterate my position in this: I love Virginia, she loves me I am her and she is me and we will proceed with our "Magical Mystery Tour" without my SO.
Love ya all,
Virginia

Jean wrote:I admonish those SOs that are quick to stone their respective partners with righteous indignation, to first be sure that you have not deceived, as well.

I don't know Jean, I've read just about every post by the SOs and haven't noticed any 'righteous indignation'.

I've seen attempts at understanding, some acceptance, full acceptance, and some toleration.

Of course, I've seen posts from CDs indicating that their SO may display 'righteous indignation' but those SOs do not seem to be posting here.

So, I'd have to say it appears your post is directed towards SOs that will never read it.

Hey Sis,

Even though your wife chose the route she did I have not seen a person support their wife the way you have.

And as a result of that you receive a lot of support from those on this forum.

Love Darlene.

Most of what I would have said has already been covered (great post sally).

And I don't think CD'ing is as big a deal as it seems a lot of the time. Look at the statistics for divorce and such in general. I think it is more a general issue about how people are going into marrages and such. Whether the bump in the road is CD'ing, money, health issues, sex, bordom or politics, people are quick to react with blame and anger and self protection rather than support, love, and devotion. As a society we get married for selfish reasons then get divorced for the selfish reasons.

As for CD'ing as a particular issue, as emotionally convoluted as this issue can be for us, it is just as convoluted if not more so for our partners.

We are releaved of having to choose to deal with this issue and all it's ramifications or not by the simple fact of it being an inherent part of our sense of self. Even if we refuse to face it we still have to deal with it unconsciously. Our partners have to make a choice consciously to accept a transgendered partner and the personal and social ramifications of that choice.

In situations where a CD'er has not informed their SO up front, they have effectivly tried to take that choice away. How would you react?

I have to say haveing been looking around online for years, that there is no shortage of whiny, selfish, self obsessed transgendered folk with a chip on their sholders that have treated their loved ones with complete disregard under the rationalazation that the world owes them something for being born the way they are. I haven't seen SO's as being better or worse.

The problem is a general lack of compassion and generousity of spirit in a social atmosphere of selfishness and emotional greed.

How can you truelly form a union with someone untill you get past that? Something I don't think most couples today are accomplishing.

Suesin

Suesin, you make some interesting points, but I have noted that on this forum, the length of marriages seem to be considerable, those that have already divorced are from lengthy marriages as well and those of us currently in the throws of divorce have put many years into these relationships. After having read and pondered many posts and read the responses to my query "What is so threating to an SO about crossdressing?" I feel that it is not necessarily threating per se, but it sure puts an BIG uncertainy in to the mind of the SO. Some adapt, some struggle with it daily, weekly, monthly, yearly. Even the best of us seem not to be able to completely convience them that we are still the same person it is just that we have or are discovering things about ourselves that we think with benefit the relationship and allow us to grow and hopefully share this "gift" we have. Some SO's just don't buy it no matter what we do or say. But some of them are broadminded (I can't believe I said that) enough to at least try to understand it. As we know some even accept it with certain limitations which most of my sisters in that situation lovingly accept those restrictions. I have yet to hear an SO say it is the greatest thing since sliced bread and how did I ever live wiithout a crossdresser in my life! Women just have a problem with it. It can be a big problwm or a small problem but a problem none the less and those couples who have the maturity to discuss it civilly and with maturity, seem to be have the best chance of dealing with it as a couple.
AAAAAAHHHHHHH! darn high heels --fell of my soap box!
Love,
Virginia