Crossdressers-Haven.com

Hi Lorna(SO)

I can relate to you quite a bit. The only difference between your situation and mine is that I told my wife before we married.

Last year my wife and I talked a lot about my cross-dressing desire after years of not being able to dress up. I'm not into full dress-up just lingerie. The difference last year was that until then my wife was adamant that she would not let me dress-up, it was beyond her ability, she was not able to deal with it so I learned to push it under the carpet and focus on other things. Thing is it keeps coming back up. But because she was pregnant she seemed able that time to allow me some play time. We talked a lot and even went shopping a couple of times but it was always an issue for her. But she said the same thing, she cannot cope with this long term. Anyway she was right cause soon after and especially when the baby was born she went the opposite way and for the best part of last year it was a non issue – she was against me dressing up again.

Now, a year later and its all coming back again only this time my wifes hormones are not all over the place. We are struggling with it all again. My wife finds it very difficult and it’s a frustrating time for the both of us. So I’m posting this just to let you know that you are not alone and although many SO’s on this site seem OK with it all, my wife doesn’t. Maybe you both have something in common?

Thanx for the reply, nice to know I am not alone. You must find it hard though....how do you cope together? Do you think she will come around to it and fully support you?

I cannot ever perceive me wanting to encourage it, its just not something I am comfortable with. As such we have been talking alot about the future and this is something neither of us want to contemplate without the other.

What will you do if she is adamant that she wants nothing to do with this side of you and will not change her mind, will you stay together? I know this is a fear my partner has and doesn't know what he will do if we cannot find an answer together?

Thanx again for being open.

Hi LornaSO

Its really weird reading your posts because its as if I'm chatting with my wife. You are saying the same things as she is. We are not that much further down this road than you are, infact if I turn around I can just see you in the distance!

For me crossdressing without my wife is not an option for me, infact when we share in this together - albeit reluctantly - I get the biggest buzz from it. This isn't something that has been sprung upon my wife as she has known about these desires for over 9 years, its just that its come up again and we are learning more about it all for different reasons. But yes is has been hard.

We both want our marriage to work and are committed to each other. After reading the posts on this site I would say if anyone's wife will not come around it would be mine, and now you also. But, my wife is showing much more support than she ever did in the past and of course I am hoping that we can find common ground in this together.

My wife has been adamant about my crossdressing desires throughout the 9 years we have known each other - and I've had to submit buy trying to overcome such desires but they do come back eventually. Of course I try to encourage my wife to think my way but I also respect her and ask her if its OK to dress on most occassions. Regarding will we stay together if she is determined to say no is a hard one. I have a great wife and three lovely children. The thought of divorcing and finding an SO who is supportive - like the ones you read about here - is a tempting one, but its just a fantasy because the grass is never greener on the other side is it? and I don't want to go through a divorce, I always hated it when relationships ended for me in the past, let alone going through a divorce.

However, the reason I believe my wife is a little more accepting than usual now is that we are talking - OK it's making her head spin all day, all week with thoughts - but the more you talk, the more you read other people experiences, the more you research on the internet, the more helpful and informed you become and it helps overcome some of those fears. Remember fear is mostly about the unkown, what if?

I would like to keep in contact with you if this helps in anyway, does your husband know about this site? would you feel comfortable letting him in to chat? I've only been on this site a couple of weeks I think, so I am a newby also.

PS; don't be put off by my feminie name, I don't normally use one, it's just for this site that I have one.

Thanx for replying, its good to know your point of view. Its easier hearing from someone other than my partner.

I hope your wife appreciates your honesty here, does she take part in this forum?

My partner knows about this site but doesn't feel the need to join it, he says he will read it but that its more for me to gain a better insight into where he is at. I guess thats true!

We discussed being able to clothe shop together, like you say you do, and I have agreed to do this sometime but I am quite anxious about it. I feel I have agreed because I don't want to say no and hurt his feelings, but also I still really can't cope with this side of his expressing himself! I feel that if I give it a go and show willing he may not nag so much or express his unhappiness at me not accepting this side. However I know once he has watever he buys I still won't really want him to wear it....what a state to be in. I sure hope your wife copes better.....

Well I will search you out if I need to....lots on my mind....thanx again!
Lorna (so)

Hi LornaSO - a longish read but I hope its interesting for you.

I guess it is easier to chat because its all annonymous and were not involved together.

My wife has read the Wives & SO posts plus a few more but doesn't want to join in because she feels she can never be as supportive as the other SO's here. But I told her before I saw your post that some partners might find her point of view helpful but as yet she has declined to sign up. Yes my wife does respect my honesty but we often disagree and have light arguments on a daily basis sometimes about all this.

I disagree with your husband who says this site is just for you. I have learned a thing or too just by reading other peoples posts plus it's helpful for us to understand SO's points of view also, but when most SO's here seem to be in a different place - IE support their crossdressers or even love it - we need a few more Lornas to balance the argument - Not that I'm looking to stiffen my wife's point of view, I really want her to soften! but do you get my point?

When I said we clothe's shop together - weve done it a few times abeit reluctantly by my wife. I have wanted her to take ME shopping but its always been me taking HER shopping for what I like. The fun for me is when she leads me, chooses the clothes and dare I say it even hold some items up on me for size (scary as that might be), thats all part of the fun for me - being treated like a girlfriend and not like a husband - not that I act femine at all cause I don't, its just my own scary dare and thrill ride that adds to the excitement. Not that I want the world to know cause I don't, I embarass very easy. I like my wife and I to be totally involved together in this experience. I like to buy new lingerie even if I don't need anymore but I also like the daring, edgy experience it can be if done right - it can be a lot of fun if BOTH are committed. My wife has got better with this the more weve done it but its still a bit dissapointing because of where my wife is at.

If I can be so bold and say I MIGHT know what your husband is asking of you, but I might also be wrong. I'm guessing he will want you to take HIM shopping and be treated like your best girlfriend picking things out that you think would look nice on him. The better you get at this, or should I say the more convincing you get at this the more excited he will be. BUT, as you are very anxious about this and doing it all to keep the peace I doubt that is what will happen. For me the excitement of shopping alone is very powerful IF only my wife would understand the scary thrill of it all and the part she must play to make it happen - I have some experience I could share but I will only post if asked.

you said ("However I know once he has watever he buys I still won't really want him to wear it....what a state to be in") My wife is exactly the same. she does not cope much better than you I can assure you. Even if she lets me wear the clothes on one or two occassions after purchase she quickly reverts back to having a problem - THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING! but it also feels like beggers can't be choosers and take whats on offer while it lasts. I'm guessing it's more likely that you will be at peace with this sooner than my wife probably. I get the feeling Americans can deal with this much better because they are more open minded.

One last thought to leave you with. My wife and I chatted about this today and she said "if she knew this would work out of my system given freedom to experiment and time she would find it easier to deal with. But because its open ended she is fearful of where is might end up". I believe the more you discourage your husband the harder you will find the situation, the more you support your husband the more he can experiement, and to some degree get it out of his system. But there is a high possibility that he will still want to wear some items of clothing long term. But the more you resist the tougher your marriage will be, the more freedom he has the less urge he will have to dressup and it might all turn out to be less than you think. Let me give you a couple examples to back this up.

- My wife early last year bought me a makeup bag & makeup set after much discussion. It was great for the first or second time of using it all but makeup soon wore off me if you parden the pun! I just like the process of putting makeup on rather than having my own and staying in it.

- My wife bought me a suspender belt & stockings. I still like to wear them but hardly ever these days. Its just an occassional thing.

- I love to wear knickers and have a few pairs. My wife OK with this, as OK can be. I started with all kinds, pink, lacey, flowery etc. But, now all I want is to wear black ones mostly. My favourite ones are the plain stretchy type with no frills, they don't look as femine as my others do but they are so much more comfy than mens underwear.

So being able to experiement can be a good thing as you can get some of it out of your system. Hope this helps? - What does your husband like to wear, or is this too personal?

Hi and thanx Melissa.

I am curious to know what you meant by "the excitement of shopping alone is very powerful", do you mean that its enough just to look at items together and not buy any?

My husband agrees with you that he wants me to take him out. To make it a girlfriend shopping trip like you said. I said to him that I like to think of him as husband not girlfriend as this is kinda my territory!! Sorry if that offends.

Anyhow I have some questions that I will ask another time.
Lorna(so)

Hi again

"the excitement of shopping alone is very powerful" what do I mean?

Well you mentioned that your husbands interest in crossdressing was sexual. For me its mostly the same. When I have gone shopping its been a turn on to go shopping with my wife for girly things, even if its not for me, its the fact that I can identify and share with her about such things cause I now know what its like to wear these clothes etc.

No its not enough just to look but buy also, it is a joint experience I'm afraid - its a good try though

Regarding going shopping with my wife and wanting to be treated like a girlfrind, I may not of been clear as you misunderstood me. It's not about being treated as if I'm a girl, rather the opposite as I have not changed, I'm still who I am and do not see myself as a girl nor do I wish to be one - but rather as girlfriends shop for each other sometimes, thats how I would like to be treated - you know, "this would like nice on you" or "I think this is your colour" or "try this on for size" etc, etc.

For me it will always be my wife's territory as she lives it 24/7. but it excites me that I can - hopefully - share in some of this world of hers from time to time and no I am not offended in the slightest.