Crossdressers-Haven.com

For the Moderators: Since I thought this topic might benefit all parties concerned, I thought it belonged here. I'm not really sure where to put it.

So, The In's and Out's of seeing a Therapist or Counselor, Psychotherapist, Pchycologist, Psychiatrist, etc.

I searched but did not find a thread specifically dealing with people's experiences about choosing help,
dealing with "walking through their door",
when to pack it up and find another,
coping with treatment alone or with family,

what else?

We can give backgrounds as general or detailed as one is comfortable with.
We can also relate our experiences, feelings, and recommendations.

Jessie's post about insurance and finding a health professional spurred me on to this...thanks Jessie

I first went to a therapist in Austin, Texas back in about 1986. I was beside myself with a broken relationship (which was always a bad one for both of us), and my propensity for crossdressing urges mixed with inappropriate sexual fantasy/exploration.
I was working two jobs, and yet I still choked when the lady told me it was $90/hour!
At the end of our first session in which all my troubles came spilling out, she offered me a 'script for meds. Well, I really didn't feel like she had listened, and I was put-off by her suggestion that I might need drugs.
I never went back.

This made my future forays into help-seeking much more difficult. Oh, I was 26 at the time.

After that I visited with a gentlemen that did hypnosis on me (I felt it was too suggestive and hokey), and ended that after a couple of sessions. By then I was in a relationship with my future wife. She knew of my seeing a therapist, but not really why.
I can't remember how I found either of the last two, although it was probably the old, "start dialing with the A's in the phonebook" method.

I got married and we moved. I went to a University to "better" my self which was failing miserably. I found a school psych-counselor that I spent several semesters with. She was female ( ), pretty, close to my age (30-ish) and a very good, compassionate listener. But I felt like I was spinning my wheels there and never reached the real problems/solutions.

From there I figured I might have Adult ADD and sought out a Psychiatrist for that. My wife and I knew him because of my Wife's work in the medical field (she's an M.D.). That was okay, until I felt compelled to spill the beans (Yet Again!) about my crossdressing.
First, he didn't seem to hold much stock in Adult ADD, and seemed to go along with the testing grudgingly. Second, he didn't seem to deal with my crossdressing/sexuality issues at all.
I left feeling, ONCE MORE, that I had gone through this GUT-WRENCHING disclosure of everything personal and sacred to me, with a stranger, just to walk away disappointed.

I recently had a year with a gentlemen who used some very unconventional therapy...lots of physical motion, vocalizing, etc.
Now, this is the first time I actually researched into the backgrounds/specialties of all the local mental health professionals. I figured he sounded good. We did alot of work, and I actually feel like I learned something...but I was always uncomfortable with the style of therapy. Not his fault! It just wasn't for me.

So, now here I am on my latest...AND I HOPE LAST...helper. She is a Family/Marriage counselor and she has been the most incredible person to help not only me, but my wife!
We had our last marriage session Wednesday night, now we are on an "as needed" basis. I will continue with her after I go one more time, to someone to test for Adult ADD (next week).
I still have family issues (mother, father, etc.) I want to work on, and this Lady is DYNAMITE! I truly believe I'll be resolving some long, deep-seated issues finally!

So, here's some of my insights (I posted some over in Jessie's thread)

If you can, DON'T OPEN THE PHONEBOOK!
If there is a professional source listing the various therapists and their specialties get that instead and do your homework.
About the phonebook comment...I should have just said don't blindly call from the phonebook.
BTW, sometimes you can find Internet sites that list professionals and background info about them.
Lawyers have, Martindales. I'm not sure about medical folks. I'll check.

Be aware that you might be more comfortable with Male or Female.
SEE MY LAST PARAGRAPH!

ASK, ASK, ASK!
Ask what? Any question that may pop into your head! If you have doubts about what someone is asking you to do...ASK.

Find out their methodology and see if you can find more information outside of their office. Understand the what's, why's and wherefore's of the treatment...or else...ASK!

Be clear on the financial issues. Does this therapist work on a sliding-scale (meaning...adjusted to your income?)? If insurance is a factor (not everyone likes to share this personal info with an insurance company) do you pay at each session, or will they bill?

Can you reach them during off-hours if it's an emergency. What constitutes an emergency and how much help can you expect. They may just talk over the phone, some may meet you in the nearest Emergency Room, etc.

What else?


I do want to add something that is a bit embarassing, but I figure I'm not the only one who has gone through this...

I've wound up having sexual fantasies about two of my therapists...one woman and one man.
The woman was the one at the University. The man was the one with the "different" methodology.
I never told the woman about this, but I did tell the man. He dealt with it in a very professional, caring manner. HE SLAPPED ME AND TOLD ME NOT TO BE SUCH A SLUT!
Just joking! He did deal with it very well, much to my relief.

I just wanted to let folks know that it probably is somewhat common for patients to develop intimate feelings with their health providers.
Just think of it...you are exposing an extremely painful, embarassing experience to someone who provides you with total compassion and acceptance like you've never experienced before.
Plus...they look good too!
This is where you can really tell a professional.
If they handle it correctly (morally, professionally and legally), they will continue to show you that same amount of compassion and acceptance. But, they will help you understand that your impression of your feelings are not appropriate. They will not say something like, "Well, okay, let's get this over with...and just this once, right?".
They may also alter their methods if they feel it necessary to keep any misconceptions from happening again.

Well, your turn.
Can anyone else offer some thoughts, experiences, suggestions?
Thanks

From the guy who can't keep his mouth shut!

Hi Allen,

I'm not sure if there's any equivalent to this down in the States but, up here, we have local community health clinics (or centers) whose mental health teams can often direct you to appropriate therapeutic resources. Even mental health community organizations may be in a position to do so. These types of resources are a treasure trove of information regarding therapy. Best of all, getting that info is free.

Love,
CJ

Allen,
Being a therapist myself, I guess I'd better not answer this one, at least for myself or on my own behalf. But, oh the stories I could tell... I've also been a client since 1988 of and on.

I will say that my husband has been in and out of therapy for the past 10 years for his CDing issues. The first one kept getting him to admit he was TS, put him on hormones (which he quit taking after one month and never did tell her), the next one told him to stop it, the next one kept wanting him to come in dressed to his sessions (?). He is now working with a man who I dearly love and feel is one of the best therapists I've ever met. I'm jealous that he found him first. We also see him from time to time as a couple for Cding related issues.

Anyhoo, that's my part.

Kay(SO)

Allen, Thanks for starting this thread.

Finding the right person can be hard in life. Finding the right therapist is even worse. Now finding a therapist when you have a problem even going out to find that person in your life can be exhaustingly hard.

Jessie

CJ,
Thanks for the info.
There are defenitely some aspects of the Canadian Health system that I would like to see "down here" in the States.

Kay,
Feel free to comment on anything I post here. You are the one with the most experience in this field (compared to me), and I would enjoy any insight from you.
My wife actually suggested the lady we are seeing now. When we decided that we should seek marriage counseling, I figured I'd let my wife pick first and we'd see how it went for us both.
I tried many times with the different therapists I've seen, to get my wife to drop in on one of my sessions. My feelings at the time were that she needed to be able to voice concerns so that the therapist could get a more complete (as in not one-sided) picture of what my life was like.

I wonder how many folks who seek help push for the same involvement with a SO?
I now can see why that might be a good/bad thing.

Jessie, I feel for you having the difficulties you are having in finding someome you can feel comfortable and confident with. I hope you succeed!

My ramblings in the first post are just my opinions. I hope no one ever thinks I post here because I think I "know-it-all".
I hope some more folks will offer up their advice and/or experiences.
Thanks!

Thank you Allen,

The main problem I am having now is finding a theropist that is in the network of my medical coverage and also someone I can feel conftrable with. The theropist my mom and I have spoken with on th (I liked him at least on first speaking with him) but he is not in the network. though we do have coverage for out of network theropist it's just not as large of a coverage (80/20 in 60/40 out for those who understand). I do however belive that it I may see him though he is outside the network as it will be less then the lass theropist though they paid 80/20 but my last thorpist was a pschotheropist vs this one who is pschoglist.

If any one know the differance the big thing is cost and weather or not they can prescribe meds.

Jessie

Quick addition: My mom said that she would help with the cost if needed.

Jessie,
I'm bad about having wild ideas pop up in my head...

I don't know if this would even remotely work but,
What if you could get a family practice doctor (who's on your plan) be your primary doctor, but then refer you to one you really wanted to see who might not be on your plan?
I'm betting your plan won't cover referrals to doc's not on the plan, but perhaps it will?

Our insurance/medical system really stinks in this country! :x

That is so true. The recent medical reform act that they just passed just made so insurance compaines will be richer and poor will have no insurance and that comapanies that offer it will have to ask there employes to pay some or more of the payments then that hurts the incomey less money in peoples pockest and thuse the downfall of the SOCITY AS WE KNOW IT (ok I am being a little dramtice) but it feels that way. The problem about by GP doc is that he the same as my fathers and they are pretty good friends (thought I am sure he keep the patient doc confindentaltiy) I would not want to risk and second is that I do not see doctors that often. The last time I say my doc was when my shoulder was acting up two years ago. I have not seen him sense (it has been about 10 or more years since I have been sick enought to have to stay in bed). But still I am hopping to work this out somehow. I do not mind telling people that I can use a theropist (actualy the joke around my job is that you have to be crazy to do our job).

any way I will keep you informed Allen on how my search goes. It sunday and I talked with my mom and she said I should make the appointement and she would help with the payments.

Jessie

Hi Allen,

Perfect placement.

And it was another home run post.

Beauty

*biting my tounge hard as not to go off topic and rant about health care in America*

:|

AHHHHHHHHH 'Lexie. Sounds like a new posting topic coming on!

arrgghhh!!

The healthcare/insurance problem in America is like an 8-headed monster . . . one doesn't even know where to begin to tackle this problem. One thing for sure, there is enough blame and fingerpointing to go around for everybody.

:|

Hi Alexandra,

Management thanks you for holding back.

Anyone have anything to add to Allen's comments?

Beauty

Here is my update on my quest for a theropiest. I finaly called the DR. and asked to make an appointment. (After my mom reminded me I should and my dad said something earlier today that made think I needed to also). This is something Iwas going to do on Monday but now it's Thursday. I guess I did what can't do toay I will tommor or the day after that but it ened up being the day after that.

Jessie

Hi all,

I'm a firm believer in therapy, especially for crossdressers and their SOs. I've been thinking a little bit about this, and here are some good reasons I see, based in large part on my own experience:

for the crossdresser:

1) In the early stages therapy helps in self-acceptance in the face of ingrained shame and deep fears.

2) Later on, therapy helps achieve balance in one's life between female and male sides and between both and one's SO. Balance is also necessary among life goals: happiness, achievement/satisfaction, love/relationships.

for the SO (and here my experience is less direct!):

1) Therapy may allow her to deal better with whatever distressing feelings she has about her husband crossdressing by helping her to reclaim projections (it is common for each partner in a marriage to project the characteristics of the opposite gender onto one's spouse; reclaming them can help us become whole and avoid "co-dependency") and distinguish between isssues which are genuinely those of the marriage from her own issues.

2) Therapy can also help keep an SO from losing herself in the course of nurturing her husband's needs. It seems (from my reading) that some SOs have a tendency to lose sight of their boundaries and their own needs in their acceptance of crossdressing. Instead of a relationship filled with ups and downs, successful therapy can help the SO be aware of her legitimate needs right from the beginning, thereby making possible an easier resolution to the complex process of negotiation and setting boundaries.

I hope that adds something.

Love,

Laura