In the Articulating the Inarticulate thread, Georgia wrote:
Thank you all for your kind comments. I feel loved, she said, bowing graciously.
OK. As to the jealousy over the woman within. Darla said,
And maybe one issue with the jealousy is there's no an tangible opponent to fend off. As you said, there's a woman "in there somewhere" but where? And driving her off means driving off your husband, so how does one fight?
Here goes. My guy is in the field this week. I came home from being with him (we work together) to gather up a bunch of stuff we forgot and to do a little research. The plan was for me to go back today, but he's been kind of suggesting that I don't come in until tomorrow. I finished up early enough to leave today and get there this evening, but he is pretty sure he wants me to wait until tomorrow. Now, he's telling me he's worried about my safety and I am very certain that he is. Still, since he often has me drive at night when he's missing me, quite frankly, if this were a normal (oh God, I use that word lightly - no brickbats pls) relationship, I'd be wondering if he was having an affair...
However, I am reasonably sure that what he wants is a night to dress up. Since he does not do this when I'm around, he would get another night to dress to the teeth and do whatever it is he does when he is dressed to the teeth. Now, while I may be ok with it in theory, and I may truly want him to have all that he needs, I also am feeling a bit shoved aside. What else am I going to feel but jealous? This happens a lot to us SOs.
Like tonight...if the circumstances were different, I might well pack up the car and surprise him. Lord knows, he packs up from the field and comes in at 2 am and surprises me sometimes. But I can't, because chances are I'll walk in on him in full regalia and smut surfing and embarrass the hell out of him and feel like I have intruded on some private part of his life. And it triggers jealousy of this *other woman* who is taking him away from me tonight. Of course I know she's not some other woman, in the true sense of the word. But she is distinctly different than him saying "I want some alone time so I can play my guitar."
And because his ex-wife gave him piles of trouble about CDing, if I were to pack up and go surprise him, he would feel that I was checking up on him. So I honor his need for this time alone - time to do things that he's not comfortable doing with me - things he will never be comfortable doing with me because when he's dressed he's attracted to men, not women. I honor his need, but I really don't enjoy it. I feel shoved aside.
No, this won't wreck our relationship because I won't let it. I try very hard to find a similar situation in my life - where I need space. I need space when I need to write, and when I need that space to write, I need it very badly. But again, his need to become her is distinctly different than needing alone time to play a guitar or to write or just to be alone. Maybe it's different because it has sexual overtones. Maybe it's different because a guitar or a pad of paper don't have distinct personalities. Maybe it's different because if you walk in on me while I'm writing, I'm not going to be embarrassed. Maybe its different because my attraction to men doesn't change when I begin to write. (It begs the question which is the chicken or the egg - does he find men attractive when he dresses, or does he dress when he's finding men attractive. His answer was "I can either be a boy or a girl. I can't be both at the same time.")
So, we sit with this moment of me feeling shoved aside for a pair of heels tonight, and him feeling like the only time he can get some time to dress is when I'm away, and me feeling like he really would like for me to stay away a little longer so that he can play with the heels... Now, none of ya'll can solve that for us. We'll work it out in our own way, and after I have slept some and he has dressed some and we're back together tomorrow night, all will be ok. But when an SO says she is jealous of this other woman, chances are good, *this* is what she's jealous of.
Thanks for listening...
Georgia,
Your DH really doesn't want to (or cannot) at least talk about these issues? At all? Even given your openness? Hmmmm. I guess he needs to come to a place where he no longer feels as much shame as he probably does. If he could only come to understand that who he is is beyond his ability to control (for whatever reasons and we won't go into them), and that he just needs to, dammit, accept who he is, he might stand a way better chance of letting you into the world of his inmost heart.
I think it's pretty plain that the main reason you're feeling "shoved aside" is that you are, in fact, being shoved aside. And, you know what? I suspect that this happens to many SO's who are partnered to a CD. I've been there myself (as a "shover," not a "shovee"
).I have no miracle solutions (heck, nobody does) but I think what has to happen is that you must find a way to make him understand that, although you're not particularly interested in participating in his CD'ing activities, you nevertheless love and accept him for the person he is. Yeah, I realize that it's not the "loving and accepting" part that is difficult; it's the "making him understand" (men are emotionally dense sometimes). And, yes, it's unfortunate that you'd have to be putting effort into a psychological "job" that should be his to do. I still very clearly remember Kathy SO's words about her being so much more at ease around a crossdressing partner who's managed to come to terms with who he is. But--as was said in the thread on that subject--such a "self-understanding" on the part of a CD doesn't just pop up, golden brown, out of a toaster oven; it requires a hell of a lot of time in the presence of people--especially SO's--who are loving and compassionate. And, no, it doesn't always work. But it's still the best route, I think, to an honest and open relationship.
Anyway, Georgia, I have to say that I've rarely beheld such emotional honesty and maturity as I see in your posts. Yes, even (or maybe especially) when you're feeling "irrationally jealous" about the "other woman" in your guy's life. The way you describe how you feel when you feel "shoved aside" is, to me, as far from "irrational" as can be. Obviously, I don't much subscribe to the kind of view that says women think "emotionally" and men think "rationally": I've met too many emotional men (and, like Darla said, those emotions often revolve around anger) and too many rational women to buy into that.
Here's hoping that your DH comes around one day to seeing the beauty of his own being and, in so doing, to seeing the true beauty of your own.
Love,
CJ
All is well and I appreciate you listening. Ya'll are a bang up group of people.