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Ladies, this is for me to get something out of my mind.

Mind Set: Hard to have one when you have no mind but as I have stated in another thread, I am attempting to get over the death of my father on November 19th.

Reason for thread: To attempt to help others but mainly to get some of my thoughts in writing so I can attempt to understand what I am feeling as I have never been so low in my life.

If the above does not interest you then do not read on, as I will be rambling a lot.

1. As with most of the worker bees in this old world we all live in, my life has been a pursuit of more money and getting somewhere in my life. WHY, the most important things in our lives should be our family and dealing with them. We should be going after happiness for our family and ourselves. I am not sure how to change myself in this arena but I see the need to do so.

2. Why in this world has the dollar become the main reason for living? We should be looking to the Lord and attempting to do his plan for our lifes. If we did this then we would not have to worry about the all mighty dollar because the Lord provides us with what we need.

3. Everyone had better make peace with their loved ones. Never let the sun set on the unsaid things in our lives. I did not get the chance to talk to my father about the problems in our relationship and get them corrected as much as they could have been. This is the one huge fact that is causing me to be a zombie in this world of ours now. I have not sleep much his the 19th. Wishing that I had corrected this in my life but it did not get done.

4. We should live our lives as if this is the last day of our life?

their are so many wild thoughts running thru my mind, I do not want to sleep anymore as I see my father in his hospital bed begging for water but not being allowed to give it to him. His stomach and kidneys had stopped working so all he would do is cough it up as he could not get it down. His fighting to stay alive in the pain as he can't have any pain medicines because they make him crazy ( fighting an pulling out all his IV's and hitting anyone getting to close to stop him.

Here is a man that in Korea won a purple heart, an in Viernam won two more plus the silver and bronze stars in battle. Then when he is to be put in the ground, the Army only wanted to send two people as an honor guard when their is suppose to be a complete honor guard of 16. Had to fight to bet the 8 that I did get. Had to cry, scream, and talk to 7 levels of rank to get this. Why, he honored his country, Agent Orange helped kill him an you have to demand an honor guard. I had to call all my markers in to get this.

I am so angry with this country and myself that I can't sleep or eat but do not know how to change it. I am going to attempt to write the President but he will never see it. Maybe send copies to the commanding general of the Army, Top Sargeant of the Army, Congressman and not sure who else.

One the of the largest regrets that I have now, is the fact that I have moved so many times since I have left the military. I saw so much support to my mother from their friends and church that it amazed me. My brother had the same thing people driving 200 miles to be there for him. I know I will sound like I am crying in my beer but other than my wife an kids that was all I had. I am not attempting to blame anyone but myself because I have always been a loner. I have always been afraid of making friends because of the fear of loosing them, this came from going to 24 different schools before graduating from high school. Even the last 5 years that I have been living away from my wife due to work, I did not make many friends because I would rather hide inside myself and home than be hurt again. I would not go to church because of the fear of people and the realization that I would have to open myself to others. The only place I can be open as to what I am inside and feeling inside is on forums such as this so that I can't be found an have someone see the real me. Their are so many sides to me that no one should have to see or know. I can't go to meetings because of this fear of someone might see thru the front that I put on. Sometimes I wonder if my wife of 25 years even knows the real person within this body.

Maybe I should go get drunk for a month or two. I know I can't escape these pains that I am feeling with drink but maybe I can get away from myself for a tiime. How do you fet happy with one'sself? How do you get this out of your mind? Where is the light at the end of the tunnel?

Well I have rambled enough and cried on my shoulder long enough. I am not looking for help in this statement or rambling. Their is only one person who can answer these questions and that is myself and God. So please do not feel like you have to feel sorry for me. Thanks to Sharon and her better half I can have an arena to get things out of my mind and see them for what hey are self pit-y and I need to kick my own butt and get back in the rat race of life.

Sorry everyone. Gelinda.

Gelinda

First let me offer my sincere condolences for the loss of your father. From your post, it's clear you are going through a tough time right now but I want you to know that you have a lot of friends here who share in your loss. I'm really glad you are able to express what you're feeling right now as that is so important. Not having anyone else to turn to must also be such a lonely feeling, so I hope by putting your thoughts here, it's made you feel a little bit better. I hope so.

Try not to see drinking as an answer to your pain. It's such a short fix but can do irreparable harm down the road. You don't need it. You need to let out those emotions with someone you can trust, such as your priest or a friend.

Don't beat yourself up over not properly reconciling with your Dad before he died. I'm sure he knew you loved him regardless of what may have happened before. Your advice about making peace with loved ones is so true. Life is too short.

I hope you can get some solace in getting the military recognition your father deserved. Do what you have to, but if things don't work out, don't blame yourself. Remember your dad for the person he was and cherish your own memories.

Once you have done all you can for him, you need to concentrate on rebuilding your own life. As you said, only you and your faith can do that. Seek out ways to overcome your reluctance to make friends because that can be such a hinderance to living a happy life. That feeling of isolation can be so self destructing. Whether it's through professional help or through trusted people around you, you have to try and find ways to deal with this problem because it's obviously making you unhappy. You want to take control of your life. As hard as it may seem, perhaps doing it for your Dad's memory would make it easier.

I wish you well G.

Stephanie

HI Gee,
I amnot going to say much because a lot of what you referenced is true and is getting worse in this country all the time.
Again, you are right that we are not promised tomorrow, but you know that drinking could make one miss the entire day and that would be a tragedy!
You are a lot stronger than perhaps you give yourself credit for being. You can cry on our shoulder anytime.
Virginia

Hi Gee--
That is a tough row that you have to hoe right now. I too hope you can stay away from drinking, as it is only temporary solace at best. I always saw my own drinking as somewhat of a credit card--it would numb the pain in the here/now, but eventually I would have to go through it, with interest accumulated. That to me is why it feels so awful for hard-core alcoholics to quit--they have to start paying back all of that past pain that they could ignore before, plus they have the pain of now, just like all the rest of us. That's just my opinion--take it as you will.

I'm sorry to hear that you don't want to open up to people, though I can understand the reasons why. I would keep in touch with the church people, at least. Even if you don't form friendships, it is community, of some kind. Keep talking to us, too!

Gelinda,

I have felt many of the things you are feeling, and all I can say is that you are as worthy a person as anyone else who has ever lived. Don't be so hard on yourself, or ashamed of yourself.

You have my sincere condolences. Life can be joyful, and every hardship carries important lessons for us to learn. It is often hard to see that at the time, but have faith-- hope, happiness and sunshine will return to your life. May it be sooner than later.

Grace

Hi Gee,

First & foremost, I am so sorry for the loss of your father. I had a very close call with my mother back in early October, so I can only imagine the devastation you must feel.

Second, please excuse the length of this post (it's long because I can totally relate to you and to everything that you've been through)

You are absolutely correct on so many points. Our country is in the toilet right now (high unemployment rates, high costs of living, high cost of healthcare, a lousy job market, and an incompetent president who just doesn’t give a damn about middle class America)

1. As with most of the worker bees in this old world we all live in, my life has been a pursuit of more money and getting somewhere in my life. WHY, the most important things in our lives should be our family and dealing with them. We should be going after happiness for our family and ourselves. I am not sure how to change myself in this arena but I see the need to do so.

Ask yourself this: Why do I want more money? Is it for the purpose of providing better for my family, or just to "show off and brag" to my peers? (not implying anything towards you, but ask yourself WHY you want more money in your life)

2. Why in this world has the dollar become the main reason for living? We should be looking to the Lord and attempting to do his plan for our lifes. If we did this then we would not have to worry about the all mighty dollar because the Lord provides us with what we need

I agree!

Sadly in recent years, even in the face of a crappy economy, our society has been focusing on materialism and greed. Never have I seen such AVARICE in this country since the Reagan era. Meanwhile gas prices are thru the roof, yet I cannot travel a lousy 10 feet without spotting yet another damned Hummer on the road.

Sadly we are no longer a nation of people who save, society today encourages nothing but spending, spending, spending. I was in banking for over 5 years, and I've seen firsthand the kind of credit card debt most of my clients had - it made my head spin - it's sick. Now I am not a religious person, but I totally agree that we ought to focus on what really matters, things such as love, companionship, and being good to weach other, as oppsed to acquiring material goods, because we can't take that precious Lexus with us when we die. In fact it's why I've been made to feel like an "underachiever" simply bacuse I'm over 30 & don't own a house. Thankfully I don't see myself that way. I am who I am. I'm not rich but I try to have a good heart when someone's in need.

3. Everyone had better make peace with their loved ones. Never let the sun set on the unsaid things in our lives. I did not get the chance to talk to my father about the problems in our relationship and get them corrected as much as they could have been. This is the one huge fact that is causing me to be a zombie in this world of ours now. I have not sleep much his the 19th. Wishing that I had corrected this in my life but it did not get done.

Yes! Life is very short. And we'll never know when our number is up.

But, I also want to say to you, hon: PLEASE don’t just haphazardly “get drunk” in an attempt to ease the pain you’re feeling (I have tried that on many occasions, only to fail miserably). Alcohol should be something that we consume to celebrate, not to “forget” or “lament”. Drinking alone, or drinking when you’re feeling sad or upset can only have disastrous results. Trust me when I say "been there, done that" ... I have seen and lived more trouble and more nightmares than I would wish on even my worst enemy.

Just ask yourself: What makes you happy in this world? What makes you smile? What gives you a warm feeling? And you just have to do whatever you can to surround yourself with it. Whether it's a better job, or family or approving friends... where there's a will there is always a way.

----------

Just a side note, hon: I have to say that I regret ever having put up the Alice the Goon avatar back when I put up my page of avatars for everyone – I had only initially used Alice the Goon & Miss Piggy as a joke (and stop me if I’m wrong) but the fact that you chose to use that particular avatar says that you somehow view yourself as an “ugly” person. So let me just say that you are by no means “ugly” or a “goon”. I think you are a beautiful person Gelinda, because despite whatever problems you may have faced recently, and despite whatever treatment folks in your past may have given you, you’re always able to articulate your thoughts and feelings here so well, and the fact that you take the time to post shows that you’re willing to help yourself to feel better.

*** hugs! ***

~ Lorna

Gelinda wrote: ... Reason for thread: ... attempt to understand what I am feeling ...

1. ... my life has been a pursuit of more money
... the most important things in our lives should be our family

2. Why in this world has the dollar become the main reason for living?
... the Lord provides us with what we need.

3. ... I did not get the chance to talk to my father
... Wishing that I had corrected this in my life

4. We should live our lives as if this is the last day of our life?
... I see my father
... Here is a man that in Korea won a purple heart

*
... I saw so much support to my mother from their friends and church that it amazed me
*

... I have always been a loner. I have always been afraid of making friends because of the fear of loosing them


*
... I would not go to church
*


*
... The only place I can be open as to what I am inside and feeling inside is on forums such as this so that I can't be found an have someone see the real me.
*

... I can't go to meetings because of this fear of someone might see thru the front that I put on
... How do you get this out of your mind? Where is the light at the end of the tunnel?
... myself and God.

Hi Gelinda,


What you're *feeling* and saying here is all quite real and relevant - painful, YES !!! I know it may sound weird, but the fact that you're "Feeling" pain is a very good sign that you're still alive and hurting and searching for the "Life" that *is* within you ...

It seems as though you're very close to "The Real Stuff" of your life

And I understand the reluctance to go to "church"

But no matter what is your, or anyone's 'Faith", a church is the "House Of God", and "He" will not reject you no matter how sad you are or badly you may feel

As long as you are still among "Earthlings", you are "Real People", and you owe yourself the benefits of self-acceptance and self-forgiveness, and of actually "connecting" with some "real people"
~

The fact is, your msg here had quite an impact on me, and I'm not an easy 'sale' ...
~

No cyberforum, as wonderful as it may be, can be a substitute for "Real Life" ... only an encouragement toward it
~

Good Luck, and Merry Christmas,
(cu in church?)
Love / Marda

Hi Gee,

I'm sorry for the loss of your father. I remember losing both my parents and it certianly does make one take stock of where they are in life. It can be very disturbing even apart from all the grief we feel at their loss.

I agree with a lot of what you said but that is not really important. As for living as if today was the last day of the rest of your life, if it is then we want to live it and not hide behind chemical improvements on reality which may have the additional hazard of making us do something we regret further.

You spoke of being afraid of people seeing through the front you project to the real you. In places where this may take place it has happened to everyone else as well so it really doesn't matter. For example I go to a church where people are really pretty clear about the idea that if we had it all together we wouldn't need church or forgiveness or any of the other things God offers us in the first place. And then at the other extreme if I go to a meeting I know WITHOUT BEING TOLD that everyone in that room has at one time had an equally dishonest false front and has felt like a pathetic loser who was in fact losing their battle with life. Notice the wording. FELT like a pathetic loser. Not IS a pathetic loser. Because to my knowledge God hasn't made any mistakes yet and that includes me.

Hope things begin to look up for you

Andrea

Ladies: I just wanted to say Thanks to all of you.

It has been amazing opening of my mind and self. I am attempting to re-focus myself to the things that matters.

Most of you ladies see things within me that I can't see for myself that is within myself. I have started going to church again and have not drank so far. Still have a long way to get there but one day at a time right now.

Thanks a billion to all of you. Gee

Gelinda wrote: ... I have started going to church again and have not drank so far ...

Hi Gelinda,
Nice to hear from you - it sounds like you're pushing forward
- I remember a few yrs ago when I had some 'experiences' and got enough 'nerve' to walk into a church for the first time in decades; even then, it took weeks for me to get enough 'nerve' to stick around for coffee after the service
- it seems meeting God in His House was one thing, but getting the 'nerve' to meet other people was something else
- as for the 'drink' and all the other 'alterations' one can play with or hide behind, I can only tell you from personal experience, it *is* possible to put them behind you and *air out*
Now that you're going forward
- just keep going

/Marda

Gee,
Just keep the faith, Honey!
You know your sisters are here for you!
Love ya,
Virginia

Gee, I am so glad that things are going good for you.

You said. "I am attempting to re-focus myself to the things that matters. "

I hope you are including yourself on the things that matter being it for your male or femme self. Because you matter also. You need to include yourself, things you want to do and things for you.

Looking at our life and tweeking it to make it better is something more of us need to do more often in life. We need to enjoy life and enjoy the ones we love, as they also need to enjoy life.

I learned this one the hard way. As at one point in my life we (my wife and I) were focusing on making things better for us as a family. We worked so hard at it and we were enjoying it until i got to the point i was doing everything for everyone else and nothing for my self. This combined with some heavy work stress created an interesting situation. I was doing it for all the good reasons but ended up leaving out an importain person. ME! That is the point the Kim came screaming out creating a few years of struggle for my wife and I, and confussion for me until i figured out what i had done. But we are on a better track now.

A quote that i often say, and i wish i knew where it came, other than i hear it during the time that my wife and i were struggling.

Happy Wife, Happy Life.

Or the way that I looked at it was.

Happy Spouse, Happy Life.

Because at one point I was not happy, and that made our whole family life unhappy.

May your journey of Refocus be an increasingly joyfull one,