Hi, looking for others to talk to

[Bel(SO)]

Hi, I am Bel, wife of a CD. I'm glad I found this forum, I need a place to talk about it and other forums on the web, set up to support CD wives seemed a bit judgmental, humorless and too focussed on psychology and feeling like a victim! In a nutshell, I feel a bit aprehensive about the whole thing, but I know I'm wrong to, which is why I want to talk. If my friend were a CD, I wouldn't give it a second thought. I like to think I'm free thinking and not constrained by the expectations of society. But seeing my husband dressed in woman's clothes gives me a sinking feeling. He is ashamed, I think I should be fine with it , but I feel awkward.
We've been together 8 years, married 3 months ago. After a couple of years together, Alan told me he was a CD. He had gotten into trouble as a child for wearing his mum's clothes and as an adult had bought a few items to wear in private. It became clear why he encouraged me to buy sexy lingerie and skirts and dresses and open toed high heels (so he could fit his feet in them!) I was ok, and now he didn't have to hide it, he spent hours on ebay, looking at shoes, lingerie, dresses and wigs. I felt alone. Although, much the same as I feel neglected when he wants sometthing for his car and spends hours on ebay for nights on end, looking at chrome bumpers and fancy wheels, so not so much the CD bothering me, but the time spent on the obsession. I told him how I felt and he stopped, only going femme in my company now and again with the collection of clothes he had. He would go clean shaven and wear wigs and make up too. When our son was born 4 years ago, he (without any prompting from me) said "that's it, I'm a dad now, this has to end." He threw out all of his clothes, shoes and wigs, keeping only a couple of pairs of stockings and wearing them with my shoes when I was out. Never thought much of it, he barely mentioned CD except to say it was a phase that had passed. We got married in march and since last month, he has bbecome really involved again. Everyday parcels of ladies clothes are arriving, when the kids are in bed he is cooking and cleaning or just generally realaxing in full women's clothes and wig. He shaved his legs last night, he says he likes his beard, but I wonder if he's in denial, he is very ashamed but says he can't help it, it's just him and he's always done it. At first I feel strange, seeing my manly, hairy man who owns a car body shop tottering around in heels, but as we just carry on our normal business, watching tv, chatting, I forget what he looks like. It's just Alan, the man I love. I stop noticing the clothes. But I worry about maybe this is the tip of the iceberg and how I feel about it all. I know he's not gay or anything like that, I understand enough. He says he would never go out in public CD. I wonder though how far it will go, now we're married and he's gone full-on obsessed again. Will he want to shave his beard and go full make up? Will he want to go out CD? Will every day be one where he can't wait to get home and dress up? Will he want a girl's name? Or an alter-ego for his girl-side? I don't know, he is trying to play it down, but I can see it's all he thinks about now, just all of a sudden since last month. I love him so much, I would never tell him it' s wrong or he shouldn't. I am shocked at myself for feeling scared of it, my rational head says "so what?" But my emotions sink when I see him CD. I need to get used to it, see past it and embrace it and face however far he takes it with an open mind. I see from the lovely, friendly people in here, that this is a great place for me to talk about it. Thank god for the internet! Xxx

[DonnaT]

Hi Bell, to the forum.

There's a lot to think about in your post.

First, this is a part of who he is. Very rarely can anyone quit, and as y'all have found out, when one tries, it can come back ten fold. And if not immediately reigned in, can lead to what we term the pink fog - obsession with buying and dressing. Y'all need a heart to heart discussion regarding buying things.

Second, your feelings are real, so don't deny them. Again, talk to him about how you are feeling, but don't let him make promises you both know he won't be able to keep. No ultimatums. And no purging again, this just leads to hiding and buying all over again.

My wife has seen me dressed, without makeup or wig, quite often, but she just sees the clothes as just clothes, and gotten use to it. The wig and makeup are more of a problem, and she even gave me my first wig and took me wig shopping for the current one. Her feelings are still real, so I can't just expect her to get past the wig and makeup thing.

Third, how far will this all go is anybody's guess. If he want's to go out, he'll definitely want to shave. Again, talking through things is important and can't be stressed enough. My wife tried going out with me to safe trans places, or in Vegas, but can't quite handle it. At least she knows where I go and what it's like, lessening her fear for my safety.

[KimberlyS]

Hi Bel and Welcome to the forum. I praise you for coming and looking for information and getting informed. There is a lot of good information here from a very diverse group of people. Some of the information will pertain to your spouse but much of it will not.

From your post it like you are trying hard to deal with the CDing aspect of your hubby. It also sounds like he is struggling with self acceptance also. The perfect situation would be if you both could be open and communicate about it working through the issues together. The reality we often have to struggle alone making it more difficult. But IMHO the more open the communication the better it will be, not only with this topic but with everything in your marriage. The problem is guys have ingrained in us that we are not suppose to open up and share our feelings. And often getting past that can be difficult.

I wish you the best and hope to see you around more.

kimberlys - cd
joe in a skirt

[Paula G]

Bel, I hope that we will be able to help in your situation. There are a few SOs here and their input may be of more use to you than ours (the CDs). I think most of us understand that it is one thing to accept that a man cross dresses, it is quite another to accept that your man crossdresses.

Of course the advise to talk about it is always sound, and yes it does sound like there has been a descent of the "pink fog", maybe if you can talk about it you can agree some limits that you both be happy with. I hope we will be able to provide you with the outlet and help you want, and would certainly advise you to make use of the other SOs here and your own separate areas.

[Bel(SO)]

Thanks all! It's good to be made so welcome. I'm looking forwards to meeting the other SO's very much, but also appreciate being able to talk to cross dressers. It's so taboo that you never hear anything about it, I don't know any other CD's and it's nice to feel like there's lots of CD's out there and connect with them. Nice to feel like we're not alone in this. Right now my internet's down, been since yesterday. Of all the times to lose contact with the world, when I'm kinda reaching a point where I must share my feelings about something no one I know understands! I'm peering at this through a teeny tiny smartphone! I forgot to say, I'm in Glasgow, Scotland. Not completely unnacepting of CD in public, you do see it, but still a very macho man culture. My husband's parents would never talk to him if they knew. Very narrow minded.

[Anna]

Hello Bel, and welcome to our little world.

I hope we are able to help you with your dilemma.

Anna x

[Bel(SO)]

I've tried to get into the 'place for SO's' but it says I don't have the required permissions. Help!?

[Paula G]

Send a PM (Private Message) to SIlver Lady and I'm sure she will sort it out for you

[Bel(SO)]

Thanks, done!

[Anthony Simon]

Welcome, Bel.

...other forums on the web, set up to support CD wives seemed a bit judgmental, humorless and too focussed on psychology and feeling like a victim! In a nutshell, I feel a bit aprehensive about the whole thing, but I know I'm wrong to, which is why I want to talk. If my friend were a CD, I wouldn't give it a second thought. I like to think I'm free thinking and not constrained by the expectations of society. But seeing my husband dressed in woman's clothes gives me a sinking feeling. He is ashamed, I think I should be fine with it , but I feel awkward.

This site was actually set up (at least that's my understanding) by the wife of a CD who had troubles with self-acceptance. Though neither participate anymore the positive vibe here is one of her legacies.

I don't think it is "wrong" to feel apprehensive. Natural would seem like the better word. I mean it sounds like, from your perspective, your husband's CDing is spinning out of control and you don't have any means of doing anything about it.

When our son was born 4 years ago, he (without any prompting from me) said "that's it, I'm a dad now, this has to end." He threw out all of his clothes, shoes and wigs, keeping only a couple of pairs of stockings and wearing them with my shoes when I was out.

It sounds to me like he has an image of "a man" that he feels he has to uphold - and this became critical for him when your son was born. Because, inside his head, he was thinking "now I have to be the appropriate role model for my son".

Never thought much of it, he barely mentioned CD except to say it was a phase that had passed. We got married in march and since last month, he has bbecome really involved again.

It might be coincidence and it might not. But if he started CDing in the follow up to getting married, it's not unlikely that the two are connected. In which case you probably have a problem that won't get cleared up here. My instinctive response to your post is that you need to go to a therapist together and maybe that's why.

I can see it's all he thinks about now, just all of a sudden since last month. I love him so much, I would never tell him it' s wrong or he shouldn't. I am shocked at myself for feeling scared of it, my rational head says "so what?" But my emotions sink when I see him CD. I need to get used to it, see past it and embrace it and face however far he takes it with an open mind. I see from the lovely, friendly people in here, that this is a great place for me to talk about it. Thank god for the internet! Xxx

Well, if "all he thinks about" goes on being the CDing you're going to have lost a husband emotionally. It's true that sometimes "the pink fog" lifts - and one stops obsessing about the CDing. It might be that he reaches some new equilibrium and then comes back to you. Like he'll still CD - and on a new level which you may find disturbing - but he'll also have time for you.

You ought to give a few months to see if that happens. But your feelings are also important - and if you've got a "sinking feeling" that means something - and the sense of your post conveys that feeling as the central thing for you.

[Carly]

Welcome Bell,
I hope we can give you some understanding of how we feel . We have some similarities but we are also spread out on a spectrum of what we want and expect from our CD experience. It is great that you care for your husband enough to try and understand him. We should all be so lucky to have someone that cares that much.
Maybe he needs to join to see that baby steps and avoiding that "pink fog" is really the best path.

[Carol Esme]

Hi Bell
There's a lot in your story that would be familiar to my wife. I won't try to tell you how to handle it. We're still struggling. Have a wander around the site and see what in all the stories helps.

[Bel(SO)]

We had a good chat tonight, he's not as obsessed as I thought, maybe all he thinks about was an over-statement, although he did go from nothing to dressing again suddenly after years.what I thought was more stockings in the post today was actually a pack to send away his faulty mobile phone! I feel much better after talking to people in here today, it was very lonely and I was imagining things I think. We had a chat and he says I've lifted a weight off him. He told me he wants to dress, shave and do make up sometimes, get some breast forms and that sort of thing, but he feels it will be in phases, not everyday and he feels like he wants to take on a female persona just for a few hours when he does it, but he likes being a man, it's just a different side. I feel less weird already, just talking openly has been great. He was so ashamed the other night, I saw hairs in the bath and asked what he'd shaved and he got all defensive and said it was his body and he could do what he liked. But after talking we're on a different level. I mentioned this forum, I think he will join, but once our internet gets fixed, we need a new router I think. I chatted about things I'd read on this site today and he says I know more about him than him, lol! But I have accepted it now, so what if he dresses up? I'm past the shock, it's not in my nature to be against anything harmless, I just needed to tell someone and verify that we were normal, just in a smaller niche of normal. He says he'll always mention in passing when he's buying clothes, when he plans to CD, now he knows I'd rather know than wonder.

[Bel(SO)]

Honestly, if you'd seen him, he was so happy about our chat. Says he was so worried about losing me and said he felt like crying with hapiness that I was ok, and he didn't have to hide the full extent of it and play it down anymore. I think it was the trying to hide how important it was to him that I picked up on that freaked me out a bit. There was a tension I sensed whenever he dressed and crept around ashamed proclaiming he was still a man! The openess has changed things.

[Melinda Welsh]

Hello and welcome Bel , I'm new here myself. From other forums I have found that the most succesful married couples ,with one partner being a cd, are those that make a set of ground rules and stick to them. Between the two of you make up a set of rules concerning his crossdressing , ie. when , where, etc. Once you both know the limits you can accept , I think you will be happier.