Hello everyone

[Dixie (SO)]

Hello everyone! I am new here. I am in search of some answers.
I am a wife of a crossdresser and in the past couple of weeks I have found
It hard to deal with! I feel so bad cause at first I was fine with it and even helped when needed,
But lately it seems like he would rather do his thing than be with me. I love him, but I want my husband back. It seems like we are losing interest in each other and that is hard for me to take. I hate feeling like this and it bothers me that I get frustrated when he gets into bed all dressed up. I want him to hold me like a man holds his wife, I want him to look at me and tell me I am pretty instead of worrying about what he wants to wear! I have found it hard to sleep and have found myself pushing away from him. This is so hard for me and I hope someone can help me shed some light on this for me! Thanks

[Karin]

Hi Dixie,
to the forum, it's nice to meet you

I understand totally what you are going through there, and hopefully you guys will be able to work into a compromise? There's a wonderful group of people here who will give you some good insights, have a look around and feel free to ask any questions

[Rony]

Welcome Dixie, You might PM Silverlady (SL) and have her give access to SO section.
I'm sure you'll find others there that might help.
What would help most I think is if you both communicate your feels to each other.
Wish would have communicated more.

Ronnie

[Carol Ann]

Hi Dixie,

First off to the forum, now as a women finding out these things you two need to sit down and TALK.
Hon I have been married to the same women for 49 years and she enjoys Carol but to this day she has rules I have to follow in short to keep the peace.

Now she has told me a long long time ago I am still the same man she married no matter what cloths I am wearing. Now seeing as your husband is now open with you and dresses in front of you it is a thrill for him but believe me it will wear off.

Now do as Rony saids an PM SL (Silver Lady) have an SO behind your name and get into the SO only section and talk with other wifes as how they handle there problems, you know good old girl talk . Carol Ann

[CharLee]

Dixie,
I know this is a hard thing for you to deal with as I have gone through the same thing with my wife. You have to try to realize that this is something we don't truly understand ourselves, but it is a need/urge that we need to do.

My advice to you is to sit down with your husband and have a "heart to heart " talk with him, being brutely honest with your feelings and see where he wants to take this. Tell him of your concerns and be open to why he feels the need to dress. Try, if you can, to come to a compromise that you both can live with, setting boundries with his dressing.

If you would like to talk with me more about this, you can either PM me or send me an E - Mail and I will gladly try to help you work things out.

[Amanda M]

Hello, Dixie.

First of all, a great big WELCOME.

I suspect from the information that you have given is that your husband has been given an inch, and is now taking a mile.

To an extent, agree with CharLee. Where I disagree is that you should be brutally frank. Firm, honest and open, but not brutal. You must make your feelings clear to him. He NEEDS to know that he seems to be becoming a bit obsessive, and that frankly, this is putting a strain on your relationship.

You are clearly confused and under pressure, and you need some breathing space

Most of all you need to clarify your thoughts and long term needs before you make a decision you might later regret, and for this reason, I am going to suggest that you would benefit greatly from a course of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is a form of therapy that addresses problems in a direct and targeted way and is brief compared with most other therapies.

CBT is based on the fact that what we think in any given situation generates beliefs about, and reactions to that situation, and also cause the behavior and feelings which flow from those beliefs and reactions.

These ‘automatic thoughts’ are so fast that generally, we are unaware that we have even had them. We call them ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) for short.

If the pattern of thinking we use, or our beliefs about our situation are even slightly distorted, the resulting emotions and actions that flow from them can be extremely negative and unhelpful. The object of CBT is to identify these ‘automatic thoughts’ then to re-adjust our thoughts and beliefs so that they are entirely realistic and correspond to the realities of our lives, and that therefore, the resulting emotions, feelings and actions we have will be more useful and helpful.

Cognitive therapists do not usually interpret or seek for unconscious motivations but bring cognitions and beliefs into the current focus of attention and through guided discovery encourage clients to gently re-evaluate their thinking.
Therapy is not seen as something “done to” the client. CBT is not about trying to prove a client wrong and the therapist right, or getting into unhelpful debates. Through collaboration, questioning and re-evaluating their views, clients come to see for themselves that there are alternatives and that they can change.

Clients try things out in between therapy sessions, putting what has been learned into practice, learning how therapy translates into real life improvement.

Please visit this website for much more detailed information on CBT:
http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthin ... s/cbt.aspx" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

I am not suggesting this because there is anything 'wrong' with you, but because it is a good way to ensure that you are thinking clearly and that any decisions you make about your future are reasoned ones.

Secondly, please make sure you keep communications very open and honest. When you do talk to him about your feelings, make sure that you are simply representing to him how his behavior affects you. Avoid blame. Use "I" statements - like "I feel more and more under-mined by the way our marriage is going" rather than "You" statements like "You are too wrapped up in your cross-dressing fantasies to take any notice of me"

You should try to be gentle, but firm. Tell him exactly what your needs and wants are, and ask him how you might both be able to incorporate those into your relationship. I also thin k that some couple counseling would help you both.

Finally, Dixie, don't give up. It may be that you cannot ultimately resolve this ( and I hope so much that you can), but it has got to be worth taking a stand, surely.

Hugs,
Amanda

[Leeza]

Hi, Dixie
to our home on the internet.

[Davita]

Hi Dixie.

As everyone has said, you need to be talking and you need to be honest. That "give and inch; take a mile" statement sure sounds familiar. When I came out I tried a bit of that myself. Didn't work so well for me either. We've been married, I think it's 39 years coming up. It has taken us forever to get to where we are in my dressing and I still have some limits.

So get the conversations going, start working out the issues and the rules. Don't either of you make promises in haste or that are going to truly be impossible to keep. Good luck and keep talking with all of us and the other significant others.

[Anthony Simon]

Welcome, Dixie.

...lately it seems like he would rather do his thing than be with me. I love him, but I want my husband back. It seems like we are losing interest in each other and that is hard for me to take. I hate feeling like this and it bothers me that I get frustrated when he gets into bed all dressed up. I want him to hold me like a man holds his wife, I want him to look at me and tell me I am pretty instead of worrying about what he wants to wear! I have found it hard to sleep and have found myself pushing away from him.

I'm just wondering if this is some manifestation of some other problem. The specific idea is maybe he's getting old and is losing his sex drive. In which case, I guess, the solution would be to do with finding things that got him sexually engaged again.

It may simply be the CDing is taking him away from you - and that's the root of it. But if it's not that and there's some other issue, hard talk about the CDing won't resolve anything.

[Anita]

Hi Dixie--
Welcome to the forum! I know that you can find support on here, but you are heading into some unknown territory with your husband. There have been some good things said here, and I wish you the best in going forward. Even in the best marriages/relationships, we all hit stretches where everything is up in the air, and no one knows exactly what's going to happen. You have to ride it out and trust in your ability to keep making informed decisions.

[SilverLady(SO)]

Hi, Dixie, and welcome to the Forum!


- SL

[DonnaT]

Hi Dixie, to the forum.

[Martina H.]

Hi Dixie,

[Anthony Simon]

...it bothers me that I get frustrated when he gets into bed all dressed up. I want him to hold me like a man holds his wife, I want him to look at me and tell me I am pretty instead of worrying about what he wants to wear!

This is probably a stupid idea, but I'm going to say it. What happens if you get him to feel he's sexy - kind of get him aroused - and then...? Like, for example, you buy him some fancy negligee or a maid's outfit or something in the CDing area. Like, with someone like me, the being aroused tends to float about once its produced. Granted, it would suck you deeper into the CDing - and it might seem kind of perverse. But...

[KimberlyS]

Dixie welcome to the site. First I would like to praise you for seeking information and good information at that. Like others have said communication is important. Talk to him and hopefully he will open up to you. IMHO open, honest communication will get you through it. But it has to come from both sides. You can control your side and I just hope he opens up on his side. There is always the professional counselling route and that can help you both work through things from an outside view.

Good luck.