My Dad is CD--Just Found Out

[JamesR(F)]

Hello to everyone. This is all very new to me. A mutual friend of my father and I let it be known to me that he has now got long red manicured nails and a new attire to go with it. Just to set the scene--my father is 74, was diagnosed with prostate cancer about a decade ago. He lives in his home state of Minnesota and I live out in San Francisco--at least I used to be "out" as a gay man in SF, until I married the woman I love and moved in with her family. Now, the thing is, when I heard the news about him,
I was devastated. I was ashamed and shocked. I shouldn't have been because there have been bread crumb clues in the past. And I'm so angry with myself because when I came out to him almost 30 years ago, he was very supportive. One positive move I am making is to not "confront" him with it. It may never become an open issue between us, but if it is I think it should be his choice.
I love my dad and I am very proud of the way he has lived his life. My parents divorced when I was 5 and I never lived with him but have really lived in awe of him. Are there people out there who can help me to understand my shame when I'm a gay man and he supported that aspect as part of my whole being. Reading some of the postings here has helped a lot and I've just scratched the surface. Thanks for being here for all of us. James

[SilverLady(SO)]

Hi, James, and welcome to the forum!


- SL

[Leeza]

Hi James

[Anita]

Hi James--
Welcome to the forum! You've got a tough row to hoe, here, and I think people here can help you with it.

[Anthony Simon]

Welcome, James.

Now, the thing is, when I heard the news about him,
I was devastated. I was ashamed and shocked. I shouldn't have been because there have been bread crumb clues in the past. And I'm so angry with myself because when I came out to him almost 30 years ago, he was very supportive. ...I never lived with him but have really lived in awe of him.

One of the classic responses of CDs to their own CDing is to feel ashamed - because they're not living up to the ideal of what "a man" should be. Would it be fair to say that your father has become something of an ideal of what a man should be for you, and this has punctured your ideal?

I'm just thinking you might also identify with him as your ideal - and the result of this puncturing makes you then feel really as though part of yourself has failed, hence shame. [?]

[Paula G]

, I hope that we can help you with reconciling your feelings for your father.

[Wendae]

Oh horrors! OMG! You know what? He needs your understanding and support like he gave you. I worry at the reaction of my son's when I finialy get outed.

[DonnaT]

Hi James, to the forum.

Seems you put your father on a high pedestal, and then found that he had an apparent flaw that didn't fit right with what you thought you knew.

It's not a flaw, no more than being left handed is a flaw.

You need to talk to him about what you know. The secrecy gets in the way of the healing.

Also, not wanting to sound morbid, but you'll want to ease his mind so when it comes time, years from now, for him to leave this earth, he won't have to worry about his family finding out a secret.

[Karin]

Hiya James,
to the forum, It's lovely to meet you!

You know? It's always a shock to learn something about those we thought we knew everything about lol. Maybe youre just shocked at the shock, and not about the actual dressing? My kids of 13, 12 and 1 all know about and support me and its a non issue.I think that if everything else is in good shape, a family bond will see beyond anything like this. Sound familiar?

[April Rose]

I recently came out to my son, and I can tell you that his acceptance and support meant the world to me. I never knew my father. He died at war when I was tiny. I have wondered my whole life what he would have thought of me as a trans person.

Everyone handles this in a different way, but I will say this; he is 74. If you are going to engage him on this, your window is short. My guess is you will regret not talking to him about this more than you will not talking about it, regardless of how it goes when you do.

[JamesR(F)]

Dear April Rose,

I really appreciate your advice. Being he's so far away and he can be private, how would I approach him when he may still be trying to figure himself out? I don't want to "confront" him but I would like him to know I support him. Do you see my dilemma? James

[Paulette]

If your dad has long red fingernails and a new wardrobe, he's out to those around him. Now you've been included. Thank him for including you in that circle.

I'm about his age and outed myself to my son just over a year ago. Getting up the courage to do so was difficult, but it was the start of being much more comfortable in my own skin. Do you know how large his circle is? Who he's outed himself to? How difficult it's been for him?

The shock for you may have as much to do with having to unexpectedly shift your mental gears as with anything else. If you've lived a bi- life, you should already be used to the idea of gender shifts. What you're not used to is perspective shifts - especially because you thought you were immune to them because of your own history.

Long ago, when I was a naive young liberal, I read a short story by Ursual Le Guinn about a human who became involved with a gender-changing alien, and they became lovers. Years later I read a novel by Le Guinn and didn't recognize it as being essentially the same story because she had changed the pronouns for the alien, and what was 'he' became 'she'. I considered myself a staunch feminist then (sixties/seventies) and was shocked by my shock at the discovery of how much that small pronoun difference made in my relationship to the characters and how I felt about the story. It told me more about myself than I felt comfortable knowing: specifically that I was more of an un-knowing misogynist and bigot than I had thought I was.

So check your own meter and see if you are shocked with your father or with yourself. I'd guess both.

It's always painful, but self-knowledge is a good thing. Work it out with yourself and make the necessary adjustments and re-evaluations.

Then go see your dad.

[JamesR(F)]

Ch-ch-ch-changes. Now my dad and I have both been there. Of course, he got a headstart. When I was younger and unsure of my sexuality, I was used by a woman of 50 (I was 21) and a man of 64 (when I was 27). I never got that storybook love but when I had come out, I really didn't want to look back and I was not afraid to be gay. But when I met my wife, she just reminded me of home. I was born in Hawaii and she is Chinese. But I felt I had to go back in the closet. Threw out my favorite clothes and ta-da, a wig. We moved in with her family and I had to self-censor my words and actions. We had sex a dozen times in my apartment but not much here, even after her parents are now dead. I'm not comfortable with most women, but this one knows me better that any other person on the planet. We've been a couple for 10 years. My Dad has always been brought up to date with my life.

Now he has his changing, or maybe just "broadening". (get it?). I feel like I need to respect his privacy because if he felt comfortable, he would tell me, wouldn't he? I'm sending him a card today along with a small gift. The card is a cartoon from New Yorker with a dog seated at a coffee table, there's a drink on the table. He's talking to a cat. "I don't bug you about your catnip. Don't bug me about my Martinis."

[Gina]

Mmmm... smile...much wisdom is here in this thread.

Be honored your father loves you enough to be authentic.

One of my personal bridges to cross: tell my two daughters despite disapproval from my wife. One day I will know it is the right time.

[JamesR(F)]

Gina,

Thanks for the kind words and the encouragement. With each day that passes by and the world is still spinning on its axis, I feel less and less of a shock. I can now imagine my Dad CDing as my wife and I play scrabble with him or just watch TV together. I'd want to make him comfortable in his own skin and with us. I haven't seen him in eight years, but it could happen. So far, I'm going to leave it up to him to share with me. I don't want to put him in a corner.

When he is ready, my wife and I will be ready too. James