Crossdressers-Haven.com

. . . and, no, I haven't been living on a deserted island or hiding out in a cave somewhere. At least, not literally but perhaps figuratively. It's only been recent that I've gone 'out' and I'm still terribly nervous. A substantial part of my anxieties are that I'm not a particularly attractive man - as a woman, I look absolutely hideous. Be that as it may, there is still some mysterious force that compels me to dress and put on make-up and pretend that I'm Nina. Never mind that I've met with dozens of therapists, psychologists, clinical social workers and psychiatrists - they all have said the same thing: I do it because I like to. One person claimed they could 'cure' me but he seemed crazier than I am . . .

Now, my children have grown and it's just my wife and me. We've been married almost 32 years and she's one of the brightest, warmest, loving people in the world. Part of it's her training: She's a marriage and family counselor and she's pretty good at it. Has a huge following. Has worked miracles in many families. But, she absolutely hates my crossdressing.

I've attended 3 meetings of Tri Ess in 3 years - the extent of my going 'out'. The most recent was last Saturday. I loved it. We chatted and laughed and drank and relaxed. It was remarkable to be with other girls who completely understood - what a concept! Although, when I got home, my wife said, "I'm not going to be able to handle it if you start going every month." My balloon burst. Now what do I do? Is this the ultimatum I'm facing? I had wanted to go to the Esprit Gala in Port Angeles in May. I even bought my plane ticket. But, now I wonder if I'll be single when I get home . . .

Anyway, so sorry to blather on. I'm glad I found this site. I feel better already.
Nina

to the forum, Nina! We're so glad you found your way here!!

Ah, yes, your SO sounds like so many others that I've read about from others here, and I hope that you will find their experiences to help you.

Well, girl, struggling with our "GIFT" are we???? Most of my sisters here know almost word for word what I am going to say. Ordinarily, I would not say it to someone new to the "Magical Mystery Tour.' but you have been in it for some time, so here goes.
Some time in the not to distant future, you are going to have to dress Nina, walk her to the biggest mirror you have in your home, look her right in those big beautiful eyes and make a potentially life changing decision:
Just how important is Nina to you??????????????????
good luck, sister and we would love to know what you decide!
"Have you ever seen yourself through the eyes of someone you have become??" "through the eyes of the ULTIMATE observer?!"
Keep the faith, honey
Virginia

Hi Nina, to the forum. Maybe finding us now is an omen, and you can find answers in some of the posts here.

nina femrite wrote:. my wife said, "I'm not going to be able to handle it if you start going every month."

First, this is Feb. and May is a few months away, so the "every month" scenario should be a non-issue.

Does she know about your plans to go to the Esprit Gala? If not, then now is the time to discuss it. Breaking it to her at the last minute would be a mistake, IMHO.

If she's a good counselor like you say, then she should know how to listen, and she should know that ultimatums are not good for any relationship.

She needs to understand your needs and you need to understand her needs and fears, and open honest communication is the only way to get that understanding.

Maybe she'll need to go with you to a marriage counselor that understands gender issues. You know the old saying, physicians make there own worst patients.

Hi Nina and welcome to the forum.

I'm sure once you find your way around here, you'll find answers to many questions you may have. While it seems kind of ironic that your wife would have such issues with your crossdressing given her profession, she is human and has feelings just like any other wife or SO. As Donna said, doctors are sometimes the worst patients so I hope she is able to find some answers she needs too. Perhaps if she is interested, she might like to participate in the SO's Only section? In time, I also hope you'll feel better about your self image because you are who you are. We are all special in our own way and I'm guessing your wife already knows that about you, so you do have something to build on.

Whatever happens, I wish you both luck and hope you enjoy your stay with us. You'll find no shortage of loving and supportive folks here.

Stephanie

Thank you so much for the warm welcome. The truth of the matter is that I did let my wife know that I'm a crossdresser before we got married (and that was a long time ago!) but she pretty much denied it. As I got older, crossdressing became something that I could ignore less and it was much more a point of contention for us. There have been several events that I've wanted to go to, e.g., Southern Comfort, Holiday En Femme, etc but for one reason or another, I've never been able to go. Last year, I told my wife that I'm going to Esprit this year - I said it as a statement rather than a question. It wouldn't surprise me if I chicken out at the last minute but for now I'm excited about going. I've purchased almost an entire new wardrobe. Perhaps I'll meet some of you there . . .

Thanks again for welcoming me to this virtual island of understanding.
nina

Welcome to the forum. It sounds as if you are a real challenge to the marriage counselor. I would suggest that if she can't take it every month, that you try a compromise of every other month and that she agree that youcan go to at least one major event each year. Your SO sounds wonderful, and you need to be able to work it out. She might want to try out the SO sectiomn of this forum. She might learn some things herself.

Hi Nina It sounds like you have a lovely wife and great marriage! I've been thinking about your post and thinking of ways I can help by offering some thoughts from an SO point of view.
One thing that bothered me when my husband told me about his CDing was the idea he was some 'other person' that I didn't know. The 'other person' being his femme side. I really needed to feel that his femme side was fully integrated into the person I loved...I didn't want a third person or stranger to be in our marriage. I love my husband so if the 'other person' was part of him I could not hate 'her'...because there is no separate 'her' to hate. You mention pretending to be Nina...maybe your wife is feeling uncomfortable about the'other person'. Is there a way you could show her that Nina is you...the person she loves? Maybe it would help her to accept your CDing. I hope I'm making sense here, tell me if I'm not, please!
The other thing is, have you asked your wife to go with you to Tri Ess or the other events you mention? I can only speak for me here, but I would be unhappy if I thought my husband was having a separate social life without me, it would make me feel not very important and shut out if he was going off to events and having a good time without me...I always want to be with him (and he wants me to be with him too, luckily!)
Would your wife be willing to take a look at the forum? It helped me tremendously, when I first found out about Ed's CDing. She would be more than welcome to chat about her concerns or worries about CDing with me and the other GG's here!

Love,
Curly

Hi Nina, I agree very much with Curly. I would like to offer up two additional things up to you.

#1: From talking personally with several people in the mental health field, it seems that there is very little good information from within. And where there is good information being created the people creating the information are usually shunned by others in the field. So the Education process needs to come from you and may need to be spoon feed.

#2: You are already aware of Tri-Ess, are you aware of the SPICE event this coming July. For my wife and I it was a marriage enrichment conference with cding mixed into it. Your wife should understand the need to have outside guidance or involvement to sometimes help couples get though tough times. And that includes those in the profession. Besides would a doctor would do surgery on themselves? I think not.



Good Luck,

KimberlyS

My wife and I talked about my crossdressing this past weekend. I asked her what level of my crossdressing could she handle. It was not a rhetorical question, I just knew that should couldn't handle every month so I wanted to know if that meant she would be comfortable with every other month, once a quarter, etc. Instead of discussing it, she started to cry. It made me feel terribly guilty and self-centered. Even though I've invited her to attend any and all of the events that I'm interested in, she has steadfastly refused to see me in a dress.

I wish she could meet SOs of other crossdressers - I don't know - compare notes, I guess - as I'm hoping it would provide her with some relief. However, I think she's just too embarrassed by it to discuss it with anyone. I don't think she'd ever research it on the web.

Perhaps the best thing for me to do is to just hide it from her as best I can. I think it just too upsetting for her for me to bring it up and she'd probably be happier even if it was in denial. My argument that if crossdressing brings me even a little relief/pleasure/comfort or whatever, then life's too short to ignore such a relatively inconsequential act.

Now, where'd I leave my lipstick?
Nina