THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #1 ** LOCKED **

[Kyra]

After Quasimodo's death, the Bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied... "but his face sure rings a bell."


WAIT! WAIT! There's more...

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the Bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but..."he's a dead ringer for his brother."



Hugs,
Kyra

[DonnaT]

Taking Time Off

I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized that I ran out of vacation time already.
I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act a little crazy.
I figured he'd think I was burning out and give me some time off. I went into work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my coworkers (she's blonde...it'll be important later) came in and asked me what I was doing. "Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light bulb." A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing. "I'm a
light bulb!" I exclaimed. "You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off." With that, I jumped down and started walking out. The blonde started following me and the Boss asked where she was going.
"I can't work in the dark," she said.

[Jessie]

I know this is bad but I think the last part of the joke is the funniest part. I laughed so hard tears came outy

[Kyra]

A guy who has been stranded on a desert island for 10 years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's not a ship," he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

In a few minutes a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman emerges from the surf wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the shocked guy and says, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?

"Ten years," he replies. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack, he takes one, lights it and takes a long drag. "Man oh man! Is that ever good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a shot of whiskey?" she asks.

Trembling he replies "Ten years!" She reaches over and unzips a pocket on her right sleeve pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and exclaims "That's absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she begins to slowly unzip the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "How long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes the guy falls to his knees and cries... "Oh Lord ! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"




Hugs,
Kyra

[Raven(SO)]

there was a old man and an old woman who just got married, and the night of there honey moon the man went in the bath room to get changed, and when he came out his wife was laaying nude in the bed, and she said" you will have to take it easy on me, i have acute angina...the old man replys...good cause you boobs are some ugly...


Raven

[Samantha Jane]

There is man who has been lost in the desert for days and is dying of thirst, when suddenly he sees what looks like a market stall appearing before him in the distance. No he thinks can't be, it must be a mirage.
Finally he reaches the stall and true enough it's real. So he asks the stall holder, 'can I have a drink of water'?
'Sorry' says the stall holder, ' I only sell neck ties'. Disgusted by this response the man moves on.
Several days later, he spots a night club in the distance and again assumes it to be a mirage, but on arrival finds it to be real.
There is a huge guy stood on guard at the door and the man says 'can I go in and get a drink of water, as I haven't had a drink for days'?
'Sorry' says the guy on the door, 'you need to be wearing a tie to get in here'!

Charlotte

[Samantha Jane]

Three men stand before a firing squad.
The first guy points into the distance and shouts 'Snow Storm'. As the firing squad turn around to look, the first guy runs around the back of the post, jumps the wall and is away, before anyone can react.
The second guy thinks that's a good idea and so points into the distance a shouts 'Tornado'. As the firing squad turn around to look, the second guy runs around the back of the post, jumps the wall and is away before anyone can react.
The third guy who has the IQ of a brick, points into the distance and shouts 'Fire'.

Charlotte

[Bethy]

Bathroom Humor at its finest:

Ghost Poopie
The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie
The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie
The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie
This happens when you're done Poopie-ing and you've pulled up your pants to your knees, and you realize that you have to Poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie
The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
Gassy Poopie
It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is laughing.
Drinker Poopie
The kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
Lincoln Log Poopie
The kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Corn Poopie
Self-explanatory.
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie Poopie
The kind where you want to Poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie
That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you would swear it was leaving you sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)
The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt gets splashed with water.
Liquid Poopie
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
Mexican Poopie
It smells so bad your nose burns.
The Surprise Poopie
You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you're about to fart, but oops.......a Poopie!!!
The Dangling Poopie
This Poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done Poopie-ing it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

[Absaroka]

3 little boys are walking in the woods-one American, one English, and one French. They spy a couple having sex and watch them for a little while when the English boy asks " what are they doing?" The American boy says that they are making love. And the French boy adds "yes, and badly"

[Lorna]

LOL Andrea!!!

Okay, I've got a real bad one...

Q. Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella?

A. Fo' drizzle!

[Beauty]

LMFAO!!!!



OMG! That was so freaking funny!



I'm totally going to tell that at work today.

Beauty

[DonnaT]

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

[DonnaT]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her
Nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his
Name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows
The bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant,
About an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
Manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out
There who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to
Use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(You’re gonna love this)











(It’s a real treat)















(A masterpiece)


















(Wait for it)
















The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack.
Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[Beauty]

[Kyra]

kYra