An innocent bystander commented, "what happened, did they go into tune?"
THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #1 ** LOCKED **
Moderator: KimberlyS
-
Lorna
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2739
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 4:41 pm
- Location: NY
I recall the most annoying thing I heard as a kid. 
It was in 6th grade health class. We were studying the kidneys one day & were looking at a diagram like this:
Suddenly one girl in the class blurts out, "Hey look! The potatoes are drinking Kool Aid!" That bad joke actually made my head hurt.
It was in 6th grade health class. We were studying the kidneys one day & were looking at a diagram like this:
Suddenly one girl in the class blurts out, "Hey look! The potatoes are drinking Kool Aid!" That bad joke actually made my head hurt.
Live it. Love it. OWN IT.
-
Carolynn
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2754
- Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2003 12:52 pm
- Location: Oklahoma City area
- Contact:
My uncle had a hard time keeping a job, and only a few weeks after starting a new one, he was layed off and looking for new work.
I asked him "What happened at the job in the Spice Factory"?
His reply left me shivering for awhile. He said he had to leave it because it was "seasonal"
I asked him "What happened at the job in the Spice Factory"?
His reply left me shivering for awhile. He said he had to leave it because it was "seasonal"
"It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have,"
David Weber – In Fury Born
David Weber – In Fury Born
-
Carolynn
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2754
- Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2003 12:52 pm
- Location: Oklahoma City area
- Contact:
Too good at his job!
A large, old building was undergoing demolition. Two members of the work crew discovered the proverbial skeleton in the closet while tearing down the walls of one room. The skeleton was fully clothed, and they thought they may have found somebody important, maybe like Jimmy Hoffa, and called the police.
The cops came to check it out, were impressed, and told them "It had to be somebody important."
A week later, there had not been one word in the news about their find, and anxious to know who it was, they called the investigating detective.
The detective told them, "No, it wasn't Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody sorta important."
Eagerly the guys asked "WHO"?
The cop's reply, "The 1986 National Hide and Seek champion."
A large, old building was undergoing demolition. Two members of the work crew discovered the proverbial skeleton in the closet while tearing down the walls of one room. The skeleton was fully clothed, and they thought they may have found somebody important, maybe like Jimmy Hoffa, and called the police.
The cops came to check it out, were impressed, and told them "It had to be somebody important."
A week later, there had not been one word in the news about their find, and anxious to know who it was, they called the investigating detective.
The detective told them, "No, it wasn't Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody sorta important."
Eagerly the guys asked "WHO"?
The cop's reply, "The 1986 National Hide and Seek champion."
"It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have,"
David Weber – In Fury Born
David Weber – In Fury Born
-
Carolynn
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2754
- Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2003 12:52 pm
- Location: Oklahoma City area
- Contact:
A thief in Paris nearly got away with an incredible art heist. He stole several valuable paintings from the Louvre, then was ignobally caught only a few blocks away when his Toyota Lattice van ran out of fuel.
Detectives asked him how he could plan such a theft in such detail and then be tripped up by something as dumb as running out of gas? His reply tells the tale.
He said, "Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!"
Yep, took a lotta De Gaulle to tell that one! 
Detectives asked him how he could plan such a theft in such detail and then be tripped up by something as dumb as running out of gas? His reply tells the tale.
He said, "Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!"
Yep, took a lotta De Gaulle to tell that one!
"It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have,"
David Weber – In Fury Born
David Weber – In Fury Born
-
Lorna
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2739
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 4:41 pm
- Location: NY
LOL Carolynn!!!!! Ugh....
Here's a REAL bad one fom my childhood! An oldie but a goodie! Or should I say a "baddie"...
This woman wants to get a present for her husband, and he's really demanding and to be honest, he was always mean and unappreciative of her. For instance she spent a lot of time making him a birthday breakfast and when she showed it to him and said "I hope you like your breakfast, honey!" his only reply was "Breakfast, my butt!"
But still, after breakfast she went out and decided to get him a pet for his birthday present. She went to a pet store and told the owner she needed a "really, really special" present because her husband is so demanding.
"I have just the thing for you," said the pet shop owner, "It's a Crunchbird!"
"A Crunchbird? What's that?" asked the woman.
"Watch!" said the owner. He let the bird out of the cage, and announced "Crunchbird, the pencil!" Immediately the crunchbird started ferociously eating the pencil until it was all crunched up.
"Crunchbird the chair!" announced the owner, and immediately the crunchbird started ferociously eating up the chair and in a few seconds, the chair was gone.
"Why that is great!" announced the woman. "My husband will love it!" and so she bought it and brought it home.
And her husband started hassling her as soon as she got home. "Where the hell have you been all day?" he demanded, and his wife started to explain that she had been buying him a birthday present. He yelled "Birthday present, my butt!" and the wife said "No, no. You will love this!"
She took the crunchbird out of it's cage and he said "Here, darling. This is for you."
"What the heck is this?" demanded the husband. His wife replied "Why, darling - it's a Crunchbird!"
Her husband yells back, "Crunchbird, my butt!"
Well, you figure out the rest…
Here's a REAL bad one fom my childhood! An oldie but a goodie! Or should I say a "baddie"...
This woman wants to get a present for her husband, and he's really demanding and to be honest, he was always mean and unappreciative of her. For instance she spent a lot of time making him a birthday breakfast and when she showed it to him and said "I hope you like your breakfast, honey!" his only reply was "Breakfast, my butt!"
But still, after breakfast she went out and decided to get him a pet for his birthday present. She went to a pet store and told the owner she needed a "really, really special" present because her husband is so demanding.
"I have just the thing for you," said the pet shop owner, "It's a Crunchbird!"
"A Crunchbird? What's that?" asked the woman.
"Watch!" said the owner. He let the bird out of the cage, and announced "Crunchbird, the pencil!" Immediately the crunchbird started ferociously eating the pencil until it was all crunched up.
"Crunchbird the chair!" announced the owner, and immediately the crunchbird started ferociously eating up the chair and in a few seconds, the chair was gone.
"Why that is great!" announced the woman. "My husband will love it!" and so she bought it and brought it home.
And her husband started hassling her as soon as she got home. "Where the hell have you been all day?" he demanded, and his wife started to explain that she had been buying him a birthday present. He yelled "Birthday present, my butt!" and the wife said "No, no. You will love this!"
She took the crunchbird out of it's cage and he said "Here, darling. This is for you."
"What the heck is this?" demanded the husband. His wife replied "Why, darling - it's a Crunchbird!"
Her husband yells back, "Crunchbird, my butt!"
Well, you figure out the rest…
Live it. Love it. OWN IT.
-
Lorna
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2739
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 4:41 pm
- Location: NY
Oh, the childhood jokes get worse, girls... hold on to your pantyhose...
There’s this foreign exchange student who comes to the US but knows no English. One Friday afternoon in school his English teacher tells him that he has to learn 3 words by Monday. He agrees.
That night he had to go to the airport to meet his cousin coming to the US. While he’s there he hears, Flight 47 is boarding & will be ready for takeoff.” So he repeats “Take Off.”
On Saturday he went to the zoo and saw the zebras. He overheard a child say, “Oooo look at the zebra!” So he repeats, “Zebra.”
On Sunday he went to the park and saw a couple pushing a stroller with a baby in it. An older woman approached the couple & said “My goodness, what a beautiful baby!” So he repeats, “Baby.”
When he returned to school on Monday his teacher asked him, “So have you learned your three words?”
He nods his head and says: “Take off ze bra baby!”
There’s this foreign exchange student who comes to the US but knows no English. One Friday afternoon in school his English teacher tells him that he has to learn 3 words by Monday. He agrees.
That night he had to go to the airport to meet his cousin coming to the US. While he’s there he hears, Flight 47 is boarding & will be ready for takeoff.” So he repeats “Take Off.”
On Saturday he went to the zoo and saw the zebras. He overheard a child say, “Oooo look at the zebra!” So he repeats, “Zebra.”
On Sunday he went to the park and saw a couple pushing a stroller with a baby in it. An older woman approached the couple & said “My goodness, what a beautiful baby!” So he repeats, “Baby.”
When he returned to school on Monday his teacher asked him, “So have you learned your three words?”
He nods his head and says: “Take off ze bra baby!”
Live it. Love it. OWN IT.
-
Carolynn
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2754
- Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2003 12:52 pm
- Location: Oklahoma City area
- Contact:
Politically un-correct. My apologies if they have already been posted.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?
A northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ..."
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?
A northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ..."
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
"It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have,"
David Weber – In Fury Born
David Weber – In Fury Born
-
Carolynn
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2754
- Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2003 12:52 pm
- Location: Oklahoma City area
- Contact:
Man in a resturant couldn't help but overhear his neighbor's cell phone converstation. "I know its something you want, but I don't thing a tattoo is all that good an idea for you. And the same goes for body piercing. As long as you are living in my house, you should respect my rules in this matter."
He was silently cheering this concerned father on, when the converstion continued. "Really Mom, you're 75 years old. You need to set a better example for your great grandkids!!!"
My kinda Momma!!
He was silently cheering this concerned father on, when the converstion continued. "Really Mom, you're 75 years old. You need to set a better example for your great grandkids!!!"
My kinda Momma!!
"It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have,"
David Weber – In Fury Born
David Weber – In Fury Born
-
Carolynn
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2754
- Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2003 12:52 pm
- Location: Oklahoma City area
- Contact:
Fella in a cowboy hat and shirt goes into a book shop. Asks the clerk if she has a book called "How to Master Your Wife".
Clerk looks puzzled for a minute, then brightens and says "Oh yes, that's in the Science Fiction section!!!
Clerk looks puzzled for a minute, then brightens and says "Oh yes, that's in the Science Fiction section!!!
"It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have,"
David Weber – In Fury Born
David Weber – In Fury Born
-
Carolynn
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2754
- Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2003 12:52 pm
- Location: Oklahoma City area
- Contact:
A fella went to his Dr. because he was suffering from what seemed to be a miserable cold. The Dr. prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit, the sawbones gave him a shot of antibiotics, but they didn't help either.
On his third visit, the Dr. told him to go home, take a hot bath, and as soon as he was through he was to throw open all the doors and windows and stand in the draft.
The patient objected. "But Doc, if I do that , I'll get peumonia".
"Sure" says the Dr., "but I can cure pneumonia"!!!
On his next visit, the sawbones gave him a shot of antibiotics, but they didn't help either.
On his third visit, the Dr. told him to go home, take a hot bath, and as soon as he was through he was to throw open all the doors and windows and stand in the draft.
The patient objected. "But Doc, if I do that , I'll get peumonia".
"Sure" says the Dr., "but I can cure pneumonia"!!!
"It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have,"
David Weber – In Fury Born
David Weber – In Fury Born
-
Carolynn
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2754
- Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2003 12:52 pm
- Location: Oklahoma City area
- Contact:
Too True!!!
A tourist in Washington D.C. scanned the street up and down, then at last asked a local, "Can you tell me which side the State Department is on"?
"Ours, I think...." glumly replied the local, " but lately, I'm not so sure!!" 
A tourist in Washington D.C. scanned the street up and down, then at last asked a local, "Can you tell me which side the State Department is on"?
"Ours, I think...." glumly replied the local, " but lately, I'm not so sure!!"
"It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have,"
David Weber – In Fury Born
David Weber – In Fury Born
-
Lorna
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2739
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 4:41 pm
- Location: NY
-
Beauty
- Retired Site Administrator
- Posts: 3662
- Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 4:30 am
- Location: Northern VA
- Contact: