THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #1 ** LOCKED **

KathyB · Post by **KathyB** » Fri May 19, 2006 7:47 pm

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but will always have a limp.

Jeannie · Post by **Jeannie** » Fri May 19, 2006 8:08 pm

Since I'm Italian I can tell these.
I met a nice Italian girl in a bar the other night and I spit right in her face and she thanked me. Yeah. Her mustache was on fire!
Why do all Italian men wear gold chains?... It shows them where to stop shaving.
Why do Italian organ grinders always have a monkey?.. Someone has to do the books!
Why do Italian olives always come in long jars?...So the men can put their combs in them.
Mr. Gambino is on his front porch roasting a chicken on a manual rotisserie. Along comes a stoner and says"Hey man. The music stopped and your monkey on fire."
Rocco is on his wedding day and says to his father"Pop. My wife and I have never had relations and what should I do tonight?" His father says"Son. Take the hardest thing you have and put it in the place where she pees."
That night Rocco takes his bocci ball and puts it in the shower.

Don't get me going or I'll be here all night!Hugs

Love
Jeannie the Dago!

PS. They're jokes not documentaries! Loosen up Mr. Whipple!

Carolynn · Post by **Carolynn** » Wed May 24, 2006 5:55 pm

Lonely "Spinster" sitting on a park bench.
Gentleman about her age comes along and sits on the other end. She looks him over and decides on a conversation.

"Hello", says she. "Are you a stranger to our fair city?"

"No, actually I used to live here about 20 years ago", says him.

"Really, wherever have you been in the interval? she enquires.

"In Prison" he says, kinda looking at his shoes.

"Oh my! Whatever for?" she asks.

"Weelll, I killed my wife", he says.

"Oh", says the spinster, "your single then?"

Jeannie · Post by **Jeannie** » Wed May 24, 2006 6:34 pm

An old man in a nursing home goes out on the patio every night. One night another resident comes out and she sits next to him. He say's"I would love to feel the hand of a womans touch" She obliges and puts her hand in his pants. This goes on for several weeks and one night the woman goes out and he's sitting there with another woman. She is livid. She yells at him"What does she have that I don't have?" He replies"Parkinsons!" Hugs

Love
Jeannie

Carolynn · Post by **Carolynn** » Thu May 25, 2006 9:43 am

Oh yeah, Jeannie, thats bad OK!!

Jeannie · Post by **Jeannie** » Thu May 25, 2006 5:51 pm

Johnny goes to his father and ask's"What is the differance between potentially and realistically" His Father answers" Son. Go to your Mom and ask her if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars an ask your sister and brother the same question. Then think about it and you tell me"
Johnny goes to his Mother and says"Mom. Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Sure" his Mother replied. We could buy A new home and you kids could go to the best of schools.
Johnny then asks his sister the same question and she says" Are you nuts. Of Course he's gorgeous"
He then asks his brother"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars? His brother replies"Yes. A million dollars could buy lots of things for me"
Johnnie ponders the answers for a few days and then goes to his Father. His Dad says"Ok Johnny . What did you learn?" Johnny says" Potentially we're sitting on three million dollars Pop, but realistically we are living with two sluts and a queer.

Love
Jeannie

PS. I heard on public radio today that Michael Jackson was rushed to the hospital with food poisoning. Yeah. He ate a 12 year old weiner.

Love
Jeannie

Carolynn · Post by **Carolynn** » Tue May 30, 2006 2:53 pm

If you ever have the urge to strip off all your clothes, and run naked about the town, then drink a bottle of Windex.

After all, it supposed to prevent STREAKING!!!

Jeannie · Post by **Jeannie** » Tue May 30, 2006 3:38 pm

Why did the crow sit on the telephone wire?

He wanted to make a long distance caw!

Love
Jeannie

PS. I can stand most ocean fish but I can't bear a cuda. Sorry Hon.They can't be all winners!

SilverLady(SO) · Post by **SilverLady(SO)** » Sat Jun 03, 2006 11:21 pm

According to legend:

A man was going to bed when his wife noticed that the light in their garden shed was on. When he opened the back door to go turn off the light, he saw people stealing things from the shed.

He quickly phoned the police and was asked, "Is someone in your house?" The man said no, and the dispatcher replied that all patrols were busy. They should simply lock the doors, and an officer would be along when available.

The irate homeowner counted to 30 and dialed the police again. "I just called because there were people in my shed. You don't have to worry now because I've shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes, three police cars, an armed response unit, and an ambulance screeched to a halt in front of the house. The police caught the burglars red-handed.

"I thought you said that you'd shot them," one office said sternly.

"I thought you said there was nobody available," the man replied.

- SL

Jeannie · Post by **Jeannie** » Sat Jun 03, 2006 11:37 pm

I was walking through the park today and saw two midgets having sex. It was traumatic for me. They were doing the old 34 1/2.

Love
Jeannie

Lydia · Post by **Lydia** » Sun Jun 04, 2006 2:24 pm

There was a young girl from Assizes,
Whose breasts were of two different sizes.
One was so small,
It was nothing at all.
The other was large and won prizes

OR

There was a young lady from Devon,
Who was raped in the woods by seven
Anglican priests,
Lecherous beasts,
But such is the kingdom of heaven.

Lydia

Carolynn · Post by **Carolynn** » Mon Jun 05, 2006 9:05 am

When a woman wears leather clothing, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally. Ever wonder why?

'Cause she smells like a new truck!!!

Jeannie · Post by **Jeannie** » Mon Jun 05, 2006 5:47 pm

Two men are walking down a side walk towards each other. One is dragging his right leg and the other is dragging his left leg. When they pass one says " What happened to your leg?" He says" Vietnam,1968" "What happened to yours?" ........... The other man replies"Dog s--- about two blocks back."

Love
Jeannie

Carolynn · Post by **Carolynn** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 10:33 am

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.

A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"

The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"

Jeannie · Post by **Jeannie** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 3:57 pm

Gee Carolynn. I though my jokes were bad!

A man is standing on the side of road in the pouring rain. He has three eyes,no arms and one leg. A british fellow is driving by and feels sorry for him and stops and says in his British accent"Aye aye aye mate. You look harmless. Hop in!"Hugs

Love
Jeannie

Crossdressers-Haven.com

THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #1 LOCKED

The Lawn Mower

Good one Zipster you cutey you!

You're as sick as me Hon!

You can tune a piano but you can't tune a fish!

Caught Red-Handed

Get a room.

That's a good one Hon!