THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #1 ** LOCKED **

Sally · Post by **Sally** » Tue Jun 13, 2006 9:34 pm

An old man rang the doctor one day and asked if he could test his wife as she had become so deaf he could no longer hold a conversation with her.

The doctor said he couldn't see the old guys wife for two weeks but in the meantime the old boy could try some simple tests on his wife to see the level of her deafness.

The doc told the old guy to stand about 20 yeards from the wife and behind her so she couldn't see his lips moving, say something and if she didn't respond then move a few paces closer and repeat the question until she could hear what he was saying, and the distance she eventually heard would then determine her level of deafness.

That evening the wife was in the kitchen preparing dinner, so the old guy got up the other end of the house and asked, "What's for dinner tonight dear?"
There was no reply, so he moved a few steps closer, repeated the question and still no reply, so he moved a few steps closer and still no reply, so he moved a few steps closer and still no reply.

He then walked right up next to his wife and shouted into her ear, " For the 5th time dear, what's for dinner?"

She turned to him and shouted," And for the fifth time, it's chicken, you deaf old bugger."

Carolynn · Post by **Carolynn** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 4:18 pm

Subject: MID LIFE CRISIS RESOLVED

From a friend---

"Well, it's not exactly a mid life crisis, but here's how things worked
out for me."

Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25
years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed
and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night
with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and
plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to
me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be
living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa
bed....

CRISIS RESOLVED!!!

Works for me

Jeannie · Post by **Jeannie** » Wed Jun 14, 2006 7:09 pm

My wife Mini stopped in my shop this afternoon and I was dressed in my secretaries outfit. She said" You make an ugly secretary." How sweet. Then she said"I think I want to get a boob job." I said"Save your money Hon. Just take toilet paper and rub it between your boobies each day" "Will that make them bigger?" she replied. I said"Sure Hon. Look what It did for your A--!"

Love
Jeannie

Carolynn · Post by **Carolynn** » Thu Jun 15, 2006 1:05 pm

Ahhhh, yes. Jeannie. The soul of tact!

I just heard about a guy that wanted to prove his love for his lady, so all in her honor he swam the swiftest river, crossed the widest desert, crossed the bounding ocean, climbed the highest mountains. She divorced him 'cause he was never home!!

Love, Carolynn

Jeannie · Post by **Jeannie** » Thu Jun 15, 2006 1:22 pm

The last time I was in bed with Mini being romantic I said"Honey. Are you uncomfortable?" "Why do you ask?" she responded. I replied"You moved!"

Love
Jeannie

Carolynn · Post by **Carolynn** » Thu Jun 15, 2006 2:24 pm

OWWWWW!! I'll bet you liked Rodney Dangerfield's sense of comedy---a lot!! Maybe Lenny Bruce too!!

I've always liked Groucho Marx. His line, "I was always precocious. I was even born at an early age." has always tickled me.

George Goebels said, "My wife, Betty, is one of those women you just can't lose, whether in a crowed department store or in a busy train station. God knows, I tried......."

Love, Carolynn

Jeannie · Post by **Jeannie** » Thu Jun 15, 2006 3:54 pm

My best friend Gary died last year at 52 and his wife Chris gave me his collection of comedy tapes,CD's and videos. Richard Pryor,Sam Kinisin,Bill Hicks,Denis Leary,Jackie The Jokeman and many others. I love jokes. My life is one! If a man is a skirt isn't funny I don't know what is. I jump sometimes seeing my reflection in a mirror. It's not easy being green as Kermit said so you might as well laugh or you will go nuts! Hugs

Love
Jeannie

PS. My wife Mini wasn't very romantic. She thought group sex was if she helped!

Sally · Post by **Sally** » Tue Jul 04, 2006 10:13 pm

There were two elite athletes and a fat man standing at the top of a 30 storey building.

They alldecided to have a competition to see if any one of them could drop their watch from the roof, then run down to the ground floor and catch the watch before it hit the ground.

The first athlete dropped his watch, then took off down the stairs at high speed, but as he reached the ground floor he saw his watch lying on the pavement in a thousand pieces.

The second elite athlete dropped his watch, then took off at break neck speed down the stairs, just as he reached the pavement he saw his watch hit the concrete and smash to smithereens.

The fat guy then dropped his watch, took off ambling slowly down the stairs. Just under two hours later he reached the ground floor, stood on the pavement and put out his hand and caught his watch just as it fell towards the footpath.

The two athletes were astounded. They both said, "How on earth did you did that?"

The fat guy replied,"Simple, my watch is two hours slow."

SilverLady(SO) · Post by **SilverLady(SO)** » Wed Jul 05, 2006 11:42 am

I should have known the punch line would have been along those lines - - after all, the joke came from Sally! Thanks for the laughs, Sally, as always!!

- SL

Jeannie · Post by **Jeannie** » Thu Jul 06, 2006 2:07 am

A man is sitting at a bar and suddenly jumps up and says" All lawyers are A--holes." Another man jumps up and says"I resent that!"
The first man says"Are you a lawyer?"
"No " He replies"I'm an A--hole!"

Two partners in a law firm are talking and one says"Are you screwing the new secretary?"
He replies"No"
"Then you fire her!"

Love
Jeannie

PS. I have a great idea for new TV shows Silver Lady. Ones about crossdressing married men living in suburbia. It would be called "Desperate Husbands"
Maybe a remake of that favorite 70's family show with a gay couple called"Eight isn't enough"
I could make millions!

Sally · Post by **Sally** » Mon Jul 10, 2006 9:58 pm

It may surprise some people to know that there are more Churches in Las Vegas than there are Casinos.

Not surprisingly there are some worshippers at church services who give betting chips instead of money when the collection plate is passed around.

Since betting chips from so many casinos end up in the collection plate the churches have devised a time saving method to cash in the chip offerings.

What they do is this; the churches all combine and send the chips to one collection point which just happens to be the nearby Franciscan Monastery, which has an appointed representative who collects all the chips, cashes them all in, then he allots the cash back to each individual church.

The person who has this task is called a...... Chip Monk.

Jeannie · Post by **Jeannie** » Tue Jul 11, 2006 1:37 pm

Sally. That was so bad it was good!

Love
Jeannie

Carolynn · Post by **Carolynn** » Wed Jul 12, 2006 4:33 pm

Wellll, I can't believe we haven't done this one, but I couldn't find it in a fast search of this thread. So.........

(Actually in the deep south this is a true story. LOL) One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry Bubba, " Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl.

They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"

"No sir, " said Earl, "We're on the patch."

(It was time for me to change mine today and I nearly forgot!)

Jeannie · Post by **Jeannie** » Wed Jul 12, 2006 4:48 pm

Are you sure that was true Hon? I liked it. I was driving through West Virgina with a friend years ago in the early seventies and we broke down on a back road in the mountains. We went to this house and asked to use the phone. Of course he didn't have one but was nice ehnough and got our car running. He invited us back for a couple of beers and said"I'd like you to meet my wife and my sister."..... Ladies. There was one woman standing there!

Love
Jeannie

CJ · Post by CJ » Wed Jul 12, 2006 10:01 pm

One night, a man, feeling slightly adventurous and more than a little frisky, turned to his wife and said, "Honey, why don't we switch roles tonight?" "Oh, that's a marvelous idea," she said. "Here, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the couch and fart as I watch TV."

Crossdressers-Haven.com

THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #1 LOCKED

bad jokes thread

That's a good one Hon!

I loved Rodney and Henny!

bad jokes thread

You were in the legal profession Silver Lady.

The bad jokes thread