That's a good one CJ. My wife Mini stopped in the shop last week and she looked really good. I said something stupid. I said"Hey Mini. How about a quicky?" She replied"As opposed to what?" OUCH!
Love
Jeannie
THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #1 ** LOCKED **
Moderator: KimberlyS
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Carolynn
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2754
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Don't think this one has been posted
THE REDHEAD
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, "she replies. . . "
Wait for it. .
It's coming. .
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
She says:
"You just happened to catch my eye."
THE REDHEAD
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, "she replies. . . "
Wait for it. .
It's coming. .
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
She says:
"You just happened to catch my eye."
"It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have,"
David Weber – In Fury Born
David Weber – In Fury Born
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Loy B(SO)
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 120
- Joined: Thu Jun 22, 2006 11:17 pm
- Location: USA
- Contact:
OK Heres a corny one for ya
A guy calls into work and tells his boss that he wont be able to come into work.He says that he has gone to the Dr and found out he has anal retinopathy.Anal retinopathy his boss says. retinopathy has to do with your eyes.The guy says yes-I dont see my backside coming into work today-HEHEHHEHEHE-
Love yall-
Loy
A guy calls into work and tells his boss that he wont be able to come into work.He says that he has gone to the Dr and found out he has anal retinopathy.Anal retinopathy his boss says. retinopathy has to do with your eyes.The guy says yes-I dont see my backside coming into work today-HEHEHHEHEHE-
Love yall-Loy
Carpe Noctum!
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Jeannie
- Miss Ruby Goddess
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- Location: Connecticut
A blond walks into her doctor and her ears are all red and swollen" The Doctor says"What happened to you?" "Doc." she replies " I was ironing and the phone rang and I picked up the iron by mistake." "Oh"said the Doctor"What happened to the other ear?" She replied"I had to call you didn't I!"
Love
Jeannie
Love
Jeannie
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Sally
- We Will Never Forget You - Rest in Peace
- Posts: 630
- Joined: Thu Feb 26, 2004 1:33 am
- Location: N.S.W. Australia
The bad jokes thread
There was this Polish fellow who migrated from Poland to Australia where he met a local girl, fell in love and they married.
One day a few years later he rushed into a lawyers office and although his english was broken and sometimes hard to understand he eventually got the message across to the lawyer that he wanted a divorce.
So the conversation went.
Lawyer..Now this divorce, do you have any grounds?
Client.. Yes, I have an acre and a half with a nice home on it.
L. I mean, what is the foundation for this case?
C. It's made of concrete.
L. I don't think you understand, Does either of you have a grudge.
C. No, we have a car port.
L. No, I mean do you both have good relations?
C. Hers live here all mine still in Poland.
L. Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
C. Yes, we have a hi-fidelity player and a DVD.
L. Does your wife beat you up?
C. No, I'm always up before she's awake.
L. (exasperated) Well tell me simply why you want this divorce.?
C. She is going to kill me.
L. What proof do you have of that?
C. Well she's going to poison me. She came home from shopping the other day and I saw her put a bottle in the laundry cupboard and when I looked it read 'Polish Remover'.
One day a few years later he rushed into a lawyers office and although his english was broken and sometimes hard to understand he eventually got the message across to the lawyer that he wanted a divorce.
So the conversation went.
Lawyer..Now this divorce, do you have any grounds?
Client.. Yes, I have an acre and a half with a nice home on it.
L. I mean, what is the foundation for this case?
C. It's made of concrete.
L. I don't think you understand, Does either of you have a grudge.
C. No, we have a car port.
L. No, I mean do you both have good relations?
C. Hers live here all mine still in Poland.
L. Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
C. Yes, we have a hi-fidelity player and a DVD.
L. Does your wife beat you up?
C. No, I'm always up before she's awake.
L. (exasperated) Well tell me simply why you want this divorce.?
C. She is going to kill me.
L. What proof do you have of that?
C. Well she's going to poison me. She came home from shopping the other day and I saw her put a bottle in the laundry cupboard and when I looked it read 'Polish Remover'.
Watch nature, because it’s our greatest teacher, it moves and flows and moves on again. We can never be free until we disengage, so allow life to flow as you find it. The way it is, is the way it is.
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Jeannie
- Miss Ruby Goddess
- Posts: 1308
- Joined: Sun Sep 25, 2005 7:19 pm
- Location: Connecticut
Good one Hon!
You better be Polish or you're in deep DoDo Sally! I hope your real name is Stanley! 
I know some people get offended by ethnic jokes. Not me. I'm Italian and love Italian jokes. Ethnic jokes are all the same joke based on stereotypes that aren't true but they are funny. If you ever want to hear the most offensive,NON-PC comic get any CD by Jackie the Jokeman Martling. He's an equal opportunity offender! There is something to offend any group on the planet but he's so funny. They are all recorded live and when he tells a real bad one the crowd always moans and he says" It's a freaking joke,not a documentary!" It's one of those CD's you'll listen to alone in your car and almost drive off the road laughing. Hey ladies. That's just me. Hugs
Love
Jeannie
PS. Ok ladies. Name one thing that is more fun than laughing.
OH Girls. I know what your thinking! Come to think of it that's when I got most of my laughs! OUCH!
I know some people get offended by ethnic jokes. Not me. I'm Italian and love Italian jokes. Ethnic jokes are all the same joke based on stereotypes that aren't true but they are funny. If you ever want to hear the most offensive,NON-PC comic get any CD by Jackie the Jokeman Martling. He's an equal opportunity offender! There is something to offend any group on the planet but he's so funny. They are all recorded live and when he tells a real bad one the crowd always moans and he says" It's a freaking joke,not a documentary!" It's one of those CD's you'll listen to alone in your car and almost drive off the road laughing. Hey ladies. That's just me. HugsLove
Jeannie
PS. Ok ladies. Name one thing that is more fun than laughing.
OH Girls. I know what your thinking! Come to think of it that's when I got most of my laughs! OUCH!
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Carolynn
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2754
- Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2003 12:52 pm
- Location: Oklahoma City area
- Contact:
Man buys some property with lots of dead trees and decides it needs cleaning up. He checks into the cost of hiring it done, but it was too much. So he decides to do it himself.
He goes to a hardware store, tells the clerk, "I'm a busy man, but I have a bunch of dead trees to cut down and slice up. I need something that can let me cut down 6 trees an hour."
Salesman sees a golden opportunity, so recommends their top of the line chainsaw. Customers looks it over, and decides to take it.
Next day he comes in all angry. Tells the salesman, "You promised me I could cut 6 trees an hour with this, but I only cut down one and it took me all day!"
The salesman picked up the chainsaw, started it to see if it was running right, and the customer says:
"Say, whats making that horrible noise?"
He goes to a hardware store, tells the clerk, "I'm a busy man, but I have a bunch of dead trees to cut down and slice up. I need something that can let me cut down 6 trees an hour."
Salesman sees a golden opportunity, so recommends their top of the line chainsaw. Customers looks it over, and decides to take it.
Next day he comes in all angry. Tells the salesman, "You promised me I could cut 6 trees an hour with this, but I only cut down one and it took me all day!"
The salesman picked up the chainsaw, started it to see if it was running right, and the customer says:
"Say, whats making that horrible noise?"
"It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have,"
David Weber – In Fury Born
David Weber – In Fury Born
-
Aileen
- Miss Sapphire Goddess
- Posts: 73
- Joined: Sat Jul 08, 2006 12:21 am
Corporal Klinger’s Year
January: Decided to start wearing a dress and high heels to prove I’m crazy. For some reason, a number of women seem to be rather insulted by this idea.
February: Drove into Seoul to buy a bra. Asked lady behind the counter what cup size I would need. She said the most I would need was a saucer.
March: Just got married. Not easy whipping up a trousseau on short notice. Asked Radar for help, and he brought me a dead body. He thought I said “torso.”
April: Created a new kind of lingerie by sewing nylon stockings to a pair of my panties. Thinking of calling them hose-panties. Could be big.
May: Gave up on idea of hose-panties when Major Houlihan pointed out if I had a run in one I’d have to throw out the whole pair. Looks like it’s not a good idea after all.
June: Caught Radar modeling a Korean wedding gown the other day. Claimed it wasn’t his idea. I’ll bet. How would he like it if I slept with a teddy bear?
July: New Colonel made me start wearing pants. Got a terrible rash, and these low heels are killing me. Still wearing something fun underneath, though.
August: Back wearing dresses, thanks to Hawkeye. Must remember to send him some autographed photos of me in a babydoll nightee, if I can locate my G-string.
September: Had to a get a divorce. Ex-wife demanding half of my dresses. Let her come and get ‘em.
October: Lieutenant Debbie Clark came on to me. Can hardly blame her, I was wearing my favorite tight sexy dress. Had to break it off with her when she kept getting fresh. Told her to stop slipping her hand up my skirt, but she wouldn’t listen.
November: Bad month all around. Jeep splashed mud on my new blue silk dress, and didn’t do my nylons much good either. Heard that hemlines are going down next year, and I just don’t have the material.
December: Starting to worry about my plan to get out of the Army by wearing dresses. What if it works?
January: Decided to start wearing a dress and high heels to prove I’m crazy. For some reason, a number of women seem to be rather insulted by this idea.
February: Drove into Seoul to buy a bra. Asked lady behind the counter what cup size I would need. She said the most I would need was a saucer.
March: Just got married. Not easy whipping up a trousseau on short notice. Asked Radar for help, and he brought me a dead body. He thought I said “torso.”
April: Created a new kind of lingerie by sewing nylon stockings to a pair of my panties. Thinking of calling them hose-panties. Could be big.
May: Gave up on idea of hose-panties when Major Houlihan pointed out if I had a run in one I’d have to throw out the whole pair. Looks like it’s not a good idea after all.
June: Caught Radar modeling a Korean wedding gown the other day. Claimed it wasn’t his idea. I’ll bet. How would he like it if I slept with a teddy bear?
July: New Colonel made me start wearing pants. Got a terrible rash, and these low heels are killing me. Still wearing something fun underneath, though.
August: Back wearing dresses, thanks to Hawkeye. Must remember to send him some autographed photos of me in a babydoll nightee, if I can locate my G-string.
September: Had to a get a divorce. Ex-wife demanding half of my dresses. Let her come and get ‘em.
October: Lieutenant Debbie Clark came on to me. Can hardly blame her, I was wearing my favorite tight sexy dress. Had to break it off with her when she kept getting fresh. Told her to stop slipping her hand up my skirt, but she wouldn’t listen.
November: Bad month all around. Jeep splashed mud on my new blue silk dress, and didn’t do my nylons much good either. Heard that hemlines are going down next year, and I just don’t have the material.
December: Starting to worry about my plan to get out of the Army by wearing dresses. What if it works?
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SilverLady(SO)
- Retired Site Administrator
- Posts: 5419
- Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2005 1:00 am
- Location: Strange Magic Hill (Virginia)
Pecans in the Cemetery
PECANS IN THE CEMETERY
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucket full of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the old man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me... "
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
- SL
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucket full of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the old man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me... "
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
- SL
SilverLady(SO)
- Native Motor City and Wolverine gal . . . GO BLUE!!
- Molon Labe - Saepius Exertus, Semper Fidelis - Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum
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Proud Military Family - Navy, Army, Coast Guard, National Guard
- Native Motor City and Wolverine gal . . . GO BLUE!!
- Molon Labe - Saepius Exertus, Semper Fidelis - Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum
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Proud Military Family - Navy, Army, Coast Guard, National Guard -
Loy B(SO)
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