THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #1 ** LOCKED **

[Carolynn]

A politician and a farmer were walking through the farmers field, and the politician was reagaling him with his legislative exploits. The farmer was wearing sensible boots, while the politician was sporting $500.00 Italian loafers. As might be expected, the politican stepped into a large, fresh squishy cow paddy.

He looked at this shoes and said, "What 's this?"

To which the farmer replied with a twinkle in his eye, "Not real sure friend, but I think it possible your melting."

and

The Usher at the wedding asked the lady, "are you a friend of the bride"? to which she quickly replied, " No, of course not. I'm the grooms mother!". And another in-law relationship is off to a great start!!!!

[Loretta Ann]

Okay, Okay, it *finally* all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before:


MENtal illness


MENstrual cramps


MENtal breakdown


MENopause


GUYnocologist .

AND .....

When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HISterectomy.

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

[Needra]

Well Eloise you started it back in August-- Donald Duck is in a drugstore buying some condems, the clerk asks, should I put this on your bill sir , Donald gets irate and says-What do you think I am a pervert? Mickey and Minny Mouse are in Divorce Court and the Judge says " Well Mickey your here because you say your wife is crazy, is that right?" and Mickey says " I didn't say that , I said she's f*cking Goofy!".

[Carolynn]

Lorena Bobbit's little sister, Louella, is about to have her day in court. It seems she tried her famous sister's knife artistry on her own husband. A New Jersey paper reported today that she was only able to effect a deep cut in her hubby's upper thigh, but did slice muscle, tear and cut tendons, and slash nerves.

The paper reported that she will likely be charged with a

(scroll down)





misdeweiner!!!!


OK, so is this the bad joke thread, or not?

[Kathy]

Birthday News:
Godzilla is 55 years old this month! He is no longer the ferocious monster of 1954. Some say the mega-monster is suffering from a severe case of reptile dysfunction.

FBI News:
The FBI has finally begun running security checks on all foreigners who enroll in flight school. The policy was delayed until they finished implementing the recommendations of the Pearl Harbor Commission

New Jersey News:
A woman in Trenton won the states Super Powerball Lottery. She will receive one flu shot each year for the next twenty years.

[Carolynn]

A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heels in love with him, even though he was a married man.

"Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?"

Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, "Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms - is that really what you want for us?"

"No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick.

"Oh," said the disappointed lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."

[Loretta Ann]

[Collected on the Internet, 2004]

Scam Alert! Warning! Please Read Immediately! This IS Serious!!!

If you get an envelope from a company called the "Internal Revenue Service," DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects. This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind.

These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them! Please copy this envelope in triplicate according to the guidelines of the "Paperwork Augmentation Act" of 1999 and then tear up all three of these envelopes in a hundred pieces and send the pieces to the following address:

IRS, "FORM 1040 - NOT EZ"
Rejected Refunds Division
Office 1600, Room 412, Cubicle 13, Desk 7, Filing Cabinet 6, Drawer 3, Space 62, Folder 5
Washington, DC 20000-0000

[Jaye]

I don't know if this qualifies as a bad joke, but I had to post this somewhere.

Strong Arms and Legs


Three men were hiking through a forest when they
came upon a large,
raging violent river. Needing to get on the
other side, the first man
prayed, "God, please give me the strength to
cross the river."

'Poof!' God gave him big arms and strong legs
and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned
twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed,
"God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river."

'Poof! 'God gave him a rowboat and strong arms
and strong legs and he
was able to row across in about an hour after
almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the
third man prayed, "God,
please give me the strength, the tools and the
intelligence to cross
river."

'Poof!' He was turned into a woman. She checked
the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and walked across the
bridge.

[DonnaT]

A young man was at a party in Scotland fully dressed in his native kilt,
every male there was.

He had been dancing with several young ladies, but none of them had really interested him. But, there was one girl who he had noticed that he wanted in the worst way.

He was shy however and did not have the nerve to ask. Just as the last song was coming on Jill, the girl he fancied, came over and asked him, "Would you like to dance with me?"

Thoroughly pleased the young man responded, "Aye, how could you tell?"

She responded, "By the gleam in your eye."

After they danced the last dance Jill asked him, "Would you like to walk me
home?"

The boy was so pleased he eagerly responded, "Aye, how could you tell?"

She responded, "By the gleam in your eye."

When they reached the girls house she calmly asked him, "Would you like to
come in and sleep with me?"

He was so excited, he really was curious this time, "Was it the gleam in my
eye?"

Jill responded, "No, by the wee tilt in your kilt."

[DonnaT]

Which is the odd one out: Luncheon Meat, Soya Bean or Vibrator?
Luncheon Meat, the other two are meat substitutes.

What do you get if you merge Xerox with Wurlitzer?
A company that makes reproductive organs.

What's the diference between a vulture and your mother-in-law?
A vulture waits until you're dead.

[Laura Ashcroft]

Q: What do rednecks do on Halloween?
A: Pumpkin

[Gaven McLaren]

I loved the kilt joke. Not the first time I had heard it though.

[DonnaT]

Out west of here, in Virginia, a guy I know raises sheep and dogs to herd the sheep. Wanting to buy my wife a new dog, I went to visit him, but he had no new pups yet. He said he'd give me a call when they came.

While there I was curious at seeing a couple of his dogs running around with a lamb. I asked if that was how he trained them. Nope he said, that lamb lost it's mother and has taken up with the dogs. Goes everywhere with them. I reckon he thinks he's a dog.

He invited me out a couple of times watch how the dogs were trained, and I notice that the lamb had gotten bigger, but was still running around with the dogs.

One day he called and said that the new pups had arrived, so I wnt out to check them over and put my name on one. I noticed that the lamb wasn't running around with the dogs anymore. Later I asked him where the lamb was.

Had to kill it he said.

Why?
.
.
.
.

It started killing sheep.

[Laura Ashcroft]

2 blondes are walking along in California, and one says to the other, I wonder which is closer, Florida or the moon?......The other blonde says, "Well duh, you can see the moon"

[Laura Ashcroft]

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The Cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl look! ed up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."