Bathroom issues -- 3 year old style

[Carolynn]

A 3 year-old tells all from his mother's restroom
> stall.
> By Shannon Popkin
>
> My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to
> communicate at
> the library, the grocery store, or a drive-thru window.
> People often
> comment on how clearly he speaks for a
> just-turned-3-year-old. And you never
> have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always
> fully cranked.
>
> There has been several embarrassing times that I've
> wished the meaning of
> his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible
> voice. But never
> have I wished this more than last week at Costco.
>
> Halfway through our shopping trip, nature called, so I
> took Cade with
> me into the women's restroom. If you'd been one of
> the ladies in the
> restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard
> coming from the
> second to the last stall.
>
> 'Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh, why are you
> putting toiwet paper
> on the potty? Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on DA toiwet
> papernow? Mommy,
> what are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on
> the potty?
>
> At this point I started mentally counting how many women
> had been in the
> bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full. 4? 5?
> Maybe we could
> wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out
> of this stall and
> reveal my identity.
>
> Cade continued, 'Mommy, you are going stinkies
> aren't you? Oh, datsa good
> girl, Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going
> stinkies on the potty?
> Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy? Oh? Mommy I'm trying
> to see in dere.
> Oh! I see dem. Dat's is a very good girl, Mommy. You
> are gonna get some
> candy!'
>
> I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on
> either side of me.
> Where is a screaming newborn when you need her? Good
> grief. This was
> really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a
> long time before
> exiting.
>
> Trying to divert him, I said, 'Why don't you look
> in Mommy's purse
> and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have
> some'.
>
> No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies. Oh! Mommy!
> He started to
> gag at this point. 'UH oh, Mommy. I fink I'm going
> frow up. Mommy, doze
> stinkies are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!'
>
> As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my
> stall. I
> quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the
> subject. I began to
> reason with myself. OK There are four other toilets. If I
> count four flushes, I
> can be reasonably sure assured that those who overheard
> this embarrassing
> monologue will be long gone.
>
> 'Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you
> to be done
> going stinkies! Get up! Get up! He grunted as he tried to
> pull me off.
>
> Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count
> the feet
> outside my door.
>
> Oh, are you looking under dere, Mommy? You looking under
> the door.
> What were you looking at, Mommy? You looking at the ladies
> feet?
>
> More laughter.
>
> I stood up inside the locked door and tried to assess the
> situation.
> 'Mommy, it's time to was our hands, Now. We have
> to go out now, Mommy.
>
> He started pounding on the door. 'Mommy, don't you
> want to wash your
> hands?' I want to go out!!!
>
> I saw that my 'wait em out' plan was unraveling.
> As I sheepishly opened the
> door, and found an open sink, I thought, where's the
> fine print on the
> 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every
> bit of my privacy?
>
> But as my little herald gave me a big, cheeky grin while
> he rubbed bubbly
> soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd
> sign it all away
> again. Just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow.
>
> - Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of
> three. She no
> longer uses public restrooms.