Crossdressers-Haven.com

Hi Girls:

One of the things that I take great pride in, is my willingness to consider what others think is too extreme.

Today, I am asking you to go outside. Find a reasonable stretch of ground. It can have a little elevation to it if you think that it might help. The area you choose should be barren of tree or bush. No obstacles to get in your way. Call it, a “flight of fancy!” Your manner of dress should reflect what you are about to do. Run!

Yes, I want you to find a nice place to run like the wind! Then while running, distance and time permitting, I want you to extend your arms, at full length length and flap! Just flap and run in anticipation of taking off like a jumbo jet! Find a place for a gentle, if not, soft landing, because ……. You are going to fall back to earth on your face! Ouch! What? Can’t fly?

Now, after all your trying, convinced that it is just not going to work, clean yourself up and go home. Or, go home and clean yourself up!

Once home, I want you to get out your best makeup. Your best “frock” outfit with the matching purse and shoes! Put the package together and once the makeup is complete, sans wig as well, look in the mirror!

It is like trying to fly! No matter what we do. How we change our look. We cannot fly. We remain whom we are under all that “presentation!” But, for the life of me, we try! We try and try! We do it over and over, knowing that in the end, we are by physical definition, (without the help of surgical intervention), just as we started out in the beginning. Forever hopeful, that in some small way, we can just for a second, fly!

My earnest intervention here is to tell you, I routinely try, if for just a moment, to “get over onto the other side,” as it were, of the sex-gender continuum. And yet, I am told and assured no less, that no amount of effort on my part, is going to generate, even for a split-second, the ultimate knowledge that is give to each person, on some level, in their natural born element.

So, like running and “lifting off,” I leap, and leave the ground, if for only a gravitational second, to experience the “flight of fancy,” as one might feel, for a blessed moment, when I step carefully in front of the mirror, as Danielle Marie!

Hugs

Danielle Marie

Hi Danielle--
I like this analogy, even though it is a frustrating one to experience. There is a way that a plane ride can simulate zero gravity for a short burst of time--I like to think of my dressing as more like that. There is a transformation that happens sometimes, that really "takes," and I can feel it. I can't stay there, but it's good to have experienced it.

I used to run everywhere I went in my youth, and was the fastest runner in town. One day, I ran so fast I started taking longer strides until I was finally able to fly. Then I woke up. My most vivid a memorable dream ever.

I get dreams about how easy it is to fly. I'm just flapping my arms (Or whatever) and up I go. But then it seems like it's going on for ever and, once up, I can't come down. Then the whole thing unwinds and I come down in a kind of controlled glide and with a sense of relief.

With my dressing up right now, when the wig goes on and I look in the mirror, my instinctive response is "Wow, that's a woman." And I'm not really coming out of that zone while I hold the mood. So then the whole thing is kind of maintained and I start to worry I won't be able to get out of that zone. That is that the persona that appears in front of me in the mirror will take me over and I'll end up TS.

So far it's always been that, eventually, the substance goes out of it and I take the clothes and particularly the makeup off (The makeup is the decisive factor) and I'm left with a kind of ache and some insights. And also with a kind of ongoing femininity that drifts through my life.

I used to fly like a bird when I was younger and as hard as I tryed I always fell back to earth. You see I was a very good skydriver in my early days of flight.

With my dressing up right now, when the wig goes on and I look in the mirror, my instinctive response is "Wow, that's a woman." And I'm not really coming out of that zone while I hold the mood. So then the whole thing is kind of maintained and I start to worry I won't be able to get out of that zone. That is that the persona that appears in front of me in the mirror will take me over and I'll end up TS.

I know that feeling, Anthony, and it really bothered me when it was happening. It got so bad that there were some mornings I didn't want to put on male clothing and go to work, and that was a major disruption in my life.

Eventually that feeling settled down over time, and I no longer worry about it now. I accept that it can come back at any time, and if it does, I'll deal with it.

This feeling also made me hesitate to accept transitioned women as my close friends. I reasoned that if I did that, I would start wanting to emulate them--i.e., I would feel the need to transition myself. This was not a totally irrational fear, since we all know that peer pressure can take many forms. My now-girlfriend even acknowledged that she felt sure I was on the road to transition, and she is not one who makes these kinds of assumptions, ordinarily.

I made the choice to become a group facilitator and spend more time with the transitioned women and the waiting-to-transition women, and to my relief it did not cause me to feel that I needed to transition myself. But I had to wrestle with that choice, and there were no guarantees as to where it would take me.

I hope this is not too far off the original premise of the thread. We seem to be contradicting it to some extent. Yes, we can never know femaleness down in our bones or our DNA, but in some way, there can be a feeling of "rightness" about our female presentation that sticks. Whether it's for a moment or for a lifetime is what some (and I do say only "some") of us are constantly having to figure out.

Anita wrote:I hope this is not too far off the original premise of the thread. We seem to be contradicting it to some extent. Yes, we can never know femaleness down in our bones or our DNA, but in some way, there can be a feeling of "rightness" about our female presentation that sticks. Whether it's for a moment or for a lifetime is what some (and I do say only "some") of us are constantly having to figure out.

Well, it's my fault in that I am kind of doing the dark side of flying in my post. You're just responding saying "It'll be alright (or at least it was in my case)" - and it helps to hear that.

Just to be clear, I think that Danielle's original metaphor is pretty accurate - and it does describe how I've experienced the CDing for the vast majority of my time doing it. But I do feel that "be careful what you wish for" is not such a bad moral (just in general).

I sure as hell haven't figured out where the "rightness" is yet - except to say there is a process and I'm trying to stay true to that.