How about a category for leavers? - Answered/Closed

[Susan]

Having been a member for over four years I have seen members come and go, the latter usually with no explanation. Could we have a category for members who want to leave the forum and who wish to tell us why they are ready to leave?

I feel the need for this as some members I got close to suddenly went off the air. I miss them and I really would like to know why they leave.

[Elizabeth]

Hi Susan,

While I do share your curiosity about many of our departing sisters and friends, i also understand that people's life circumstance can change suddenly. Many times that means people have to leave without saying goodbye. Sometimes others feel they no longer need support. They never intended to leave without saying goodbye, but they just haven't felt the same need to come here.

And others still choose to just leave because perhaps they just don't like goodbyes or it makes them sad. One of the things I have always loved about this place is that we always respect the right of our members to do what they feel is in their best interest, even if it means leaving the forum. Sometimes people do choose to say goodbye. Some say their reasons for leaving, others do not.

But no one owes us an explanation of their decisions. Even about leaving. Now it's not up to me, but if it were, I would be against having a category that might make people feel like they are expected to explain why they leave.

Share what you wish to share. Take what you can use. And leave when you wish. That is non-threatening. It's non-judgmental. It allows people to feel safe here. Not as if someone is prying or keeping track of them. That is how I feel about it.

I am sorry that I can not support you, but it's how I feel.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Carol Ann]

[Lydia]

Elizabeth writes:

But no one owes us an explanation of their decisions. Even about leaving. Now it's not up to me, but if it were, I would be against having a category that might make people feel like they are expected to explain why they leave.

Well said, and I agree that such a category is unecessary and undesirable.

Hugs,

Lydia

[CJ]

Hi all,

Susan,

I tend to side with Elizabeth on this one but for a slightly different reason; namely, that sometimes "leaving" isn't really leaving. People will "go off the air" for a spell, and for a variety of reasons, but then will just as often come back. I wouldn't want anyone to feel they've painted themselves into a corner and not allow themselves to come back to the forum just because they've previously bid the forum adieu.

If you've really gotten close to some of the other members, chances are you've obtained, at the very least, their e-mail address and can perhaps pursue your inquiries along more private lines.

I know what you mean, though, Susan. A few years ago, fueled by the enthusiasm at the novelty of online friendships, I'd gotten close over a period of several months to another member of this forum with whom I felt I had a million things in common. We chatted (and even flirted) almost every day. This relationship even began to make me question my sexual orientation. Then, from one day to the next, this person vanished from view. I was deeply, deeply hurt. I wanted to know why he left but could not raise him anywhere. Lesson learned. The lesson being, you must accept that, when it comes to online friendships and relationships, there's always the possibility that contact may come to a swift and brutal end. It's unfortunate but it's how it is. This person eventually, many months later, got back in touch with me in order to apologize and to explain himself but the damage was done; regular contact was never re-established.

People come and people go. Even I, despite the fact that I'm a moderator here, can go many weeks without peeping into the forum. I wouldn't want to put people in a position where they'd feel forced to explain themselves or to divulge what's going on in their lives. Of course, I welcome people doing so willingly. Gracie and Sally are good examples. And I think this is the best we can hope for, that people we've come to know and love and who've come to know and love us will take the time to let us know they plan to absent themselves, either temporarily or permanently.

Often (but not always), absence from the forum is a side effect of a major purge. As we all know, purges also involve breaks from the world of crossdressing in addition to the chucking of clothing and accessories. We can all understand this, I think. We have no choice but to respect a member's decision to purge, even if it goes unexplained or unjustified. Sometimes, erstwhile forum members come back and it behooves us to welcome them back to the fold and to the family.

If I had to do things over again in regards to that member I'd gotten close to, I think I would've tried a little harder to allow my joy at renewed contact to overcome the bitterness I felt at the loss of that contact. Again, lesson learned. And that lesson being, we are all human, and we all do the best we can, given who we are at specific moments in our lives. Sometimes, we come and go, just like the wind. And, just like the wind, no explanation required.

Love,
CJ

[Susan]

Thank you for your responses,

I will bow to the opinion of the forum.

I made this plea because people I had grown friendly with just disappeared. I had their email addresses but in many cases the emails bounced as the address was no longer valid. I have no desire to be a pest to anyone but when I have spent up to two years building a friendship with someone I would like to know that they have left for a reason rather than having dropped dead.

I would not dream of departing without a farewell of some sort.

Seems I am a voice of one in this matter

[SilverLady(SO)]

Hi, Susan -

Yes, you are a voice of one on this issue . . . I agree with Elizabeth and CJ who have voiced my very thoughts on this matter - and so much better, too.

Some members do say - or have said - their goodbyes, and they have several forums available for that topic: Off Topics, Coping for CDs, Crossdresser Talk and now the new forum . . . which I am purposely not naming as it's hidden from public view.

- SL