Are crosdressers gay

[JoAnnDallas]

Another thing that a lot of people think is what my wife first thought when I told her I was a CDer. She thought that I would dress, look, and act like a Draq Queen. That was her conception of a CrossDresser. So for almost 2 years she did not want to see me dressed. When she did see me dressed, she was surprised. Not only did I NOT look like a Draq Queen but I was not dressed like a Draq Queen.
In my Tri-Ess chapter, we have discussed this a few times. Almost everyone agreed that many people think CrossDresser = Draq Queen.

I remember when Gays started expressing themselves and forced the general public to acknowledge them. Many people at that time thought that GAY MALE = MAN in a DRESS. That is, if you were a Gay Men then you like ware dresses.

Most people grow up with pre-conceived notions of how thing are. They base this on what their peers say, friends say, and parents say. The problem is hardly any of what people know is correct in the first place. After a while it takes a life of its own and then it is very hard to convince people that they are ALL wrong.

It is like a "Legend". All Legends start with a Kernel of TRUTH. But over time it gets embellished and embellished and embellished until the Kernel of TRUTH is so buried that it can not be seen. Then when someone does discover the TRUTH behide a Legend, people will not believe it because that is NOT what they have been taught/told all their lives.

[KimberlyS]

To put it another way. Let me put it the way I learned it growing up.

Being gay was bad. VERY BAD.

Gays were sissies, queers, and perverts.

Drag queens were gay guys wearing female clothes.

I liked wearing female clothes.

I was gay and a sissy.

I was bad and a pervert.

But for some reason my logic that I should be gay did not mix with the fact that I like girls.

So how is my bad logic. It took me a while to get over that. I now also have friends that are gay. We are all Good people. Being gay has nothing to do with the clothes we wear.

kim
joe in a skirt.

[Anita]

Hi Sandra--
A majority of CDs say that they aren't gay at all. So that would be the direct answer to your question; no, CDs aren't gay. As you can see, behind that question is another one: "Will I be assumed to be gay?" The answer to that question is more of a yes, you will. Those close to you may know better, but the general public won't.

To be fair, I might have thought the same thing in my younger years. After all, I didn't know any other crossdressers at all. Like Kimberly, I saw that CDing didn't diminish my attraction to girls, but the whole idea of CDing was so "out there" that I had no way of knowing how it affected others. To be more clear, I didn't even consider it affecting others. Very hazy thinking here--I knew I wasn't the only one, but since I didn't CD as an adult for many years, I never thought about anyone else doing it, either. Performers I saw were just that--performers, and I did assume they were gay.

[Azurielle]

Sexual orientation and gender identity are two very different things. And even if you understand that, there are still some of us out there that crossdress simply for the sole pleasure of it and not because we desire to emulate a woman.
For instance, I love to wear female clothing simply because I like the feel, look and stylel of them and I strive to try to make it normal for a man to wear a skirt outside of Scotland. I do have to admit that crossdressing and the subsequent mingling with the crossdressing and transsexual crowd has helped me develop many feminine traits that I wouldn't have experimented with otherwise. I do not feel female, nor am I homosexual, nor have I developed a female personality. I have simply discovered and nurtured the female qualities within my male self and would like to express them through my garb like any other passion such as hunting or surfing.

Crossdressing is as much a hobby as it can be a lifestyle or a sexual compass. It is what you make of yours, nothing more.

It's like saying all surfers are laid-back good-for-nothing sloths. The few I know are business people who mainly use it to meet people informally to discuss things other than business while on trips. Sure, some of them might be sloths, but, like for crossdressers, it's just a few individuals in the pack that tarnish the reputation of the entire group.

[BettySmith]

I am a lifetime crossdresser, but had some gay relationships at College .
It was more of a curiosity thing I think , and once I let College , apart from one brief encounter, I have no desires at all towards men.
I remain a CD and enjoy each and every time I dress up .

I dont regard myself as gay despite my experiences , but havent we all had similar desires /curiosity when we were growing up ?

Any thoughts appreciated

Betty

[Susan]

I am one of the 100% hetero crossdressers - its just because I love girls so much.

I seem to fit the "Over 50, married with children and out in the world" label I guess its called maturity somewhere

[Anne Bonny]

Let me give an honest response. I have a masculine brain, for reasons unknown to me I frequently identify with women, I desire to dress in feminine attire and enjoy experiencing this feminine state with all my senses. For some time I have been wearing panties at a minimum under my clothing, I fully dress when I am able. I am married with two teenage boys who know little about my being transgendered. I have been this way since I was very young. I enjoy pretty women, and am aroused by them, and have never had any experience with men. I am not aroused by men, not excited by how they look, they hold no sexual attraction for me. I do fantisize on occasion about being a woman, or being in submission to my wife. I do wish my wife would on occasion dominate, and take the initiative alas she is totally submissive - a traditional woman - completely feminine and rarely even gives hints. All seems to be on me. But this is off the subject I believe. I could go further but believe explicit subject matter is not within the rules of the site. Anne

[Kimberly Ann Dee]

That's the first thing my wife said when I told her. You faggot ! I never was attracted to men, though I always was aroused by looking at photos of TV/TS's. I was in therapy for awhile and my therapist said that that was a very common heterosexual reaction. The sight of male genitalia on a woman's body intensifies the reaction. This seems to fit me, I think. Anyone else feel this way ? Also I view any man's advances towards me while dressed only as a validation of my female appearance.I can't say that I wouldn't enjoy that.
KIM

[KimberlyS]

Also I view any man's advances towards me while dressed only as a validation of my female appearance.I can't say that I wouldn't enjoy that.

I ditto that for me also. I struggled with being gay until one night at a gay bar seeing two guys making out and kissing. It just turned my stomach making me physically sick. I now have no doubts. I even have friends who are gay and have no problems with it. I just know it is not for me.

kim
joe in a skirt

[MelodyPerkins]

I'm not gay. I find women very attractive.

That said, if I were a woman, I would want to experience sex with a man, and pregnancy.

During sexual intimacy, I receive the most pleasure by imagining myself as my wife and experiencing what she feels. In doing so, my focus is on her pleasure, and my pleasure comes from my imagination and satisfaction of being a good lover for her.

I guess, regardless of whether I feel amle or female at the time, my sexual desires are heterosexual accordingly.

[MsDebiSO]

when my boyfriend of 3 years finally told me about his crossdressing I was in shock & 1 of the first questions i asked him was "are you bi-sexual" & his hesitant answer was ............maybe(in question form) .Since then the subject has not been brought up again(i've only known about this for a few weeks).So what now? I'm having a really hard time asking the many, many questions that are running thru my brain

[DonnaT]

MsDebi, I think the real question should be, is he faithful to you.

As long as he's not playing around with anyone else, man or woman, it shouldn't matter, IMHO.

As for your many questions, we've got tons of time to answer what we can. So ask away.

[Susan]

Debi

I think I am typical of most of the people here, perhaps if I tell you my tale you will feel happier.

I am 100% hetero, men have no attraction to me. I have never cheated on a girlfriend or my wife to whom I have been married for nearly 24 years. I personally think Susan brings something positive to me. I am not an aggressive person, I have never laid a finger in anger to my wife or children.

I have been dressing as far back as I can remember - say age 4 or 5, this is not a sexual thing for me. Susan is a part of me that has grown in time. I feel she has brought a positive thing to me.

I wish you both the very best outcome to this particular event.

Best wishes

[Absaroka]

Debi I am completely hetero. For me dressing is a hetero sexual thing. Maybe you could say that being inside the clothes is a way of assuming a feminine identity which is a way of really being inside the woman.

As for the questions, ask away. I'd suggest asking your boyfriend all your questions, while doing your best to be prepared for any answer. After all the correct answer to your questions will be the truth, whatever that is. It may well be the truth is "I don't know" or " I don't want to talk about that."

Many of us are totally terrified about sharing this with anyone, let alone our SO. We've had a life time of being told by society that we are wierd or perverts or whatever. So have our SO's and it is often hard for them to overcome this. Because we are terrified of the relationship ending or being seriously damaged, we opt to keep a secret that we've always been very good at keeping. However the desire to dress in womens' clothing is very common in men. Statistics are lacking but the best guess seems to be about 1 or 2 % of men like to do this. Given that this usually starts about age 8 or so, if we take half the population of the US that is 300,000,000 divided by 2 for 150,000,000 men. 1% of that is 1,500,000 males. We can obviously eliminate male babies and the like but still this is a huge number considering it is something so rarely discussed.

As was commented earlier the more iimportant thing is is your boyfriend faithful to you? Also the question of honesty. Obviously there has been a lie by ommision that he has taken it upon himself to make amends for by volunteering the truth. If you want him to be honest you have to be willing to accept the truth.

At the same time the question of boundaries may come up. Your being willing to accept the truth may not be the same as your being willing to have him hang out with you while wearing a dress. You will have to figure out what your boundaries are and you and he will need to listen to each other about this. Many crossdressers fall into the trap of feeling such relief that they've finally told the truth that they lose touch with how hard their SO may be working to accept the truth and allow the CDing to become an impostition.

It's good that you came here. Ask all the questions you want. Most likely your boyfriends desire to crossdress has in reality very little to do with you. For me it's just a hobby, nothing more.

Zari

[MelodyPerkins]

I have to agree with what most of these folks are saying.

I have been doing a lot of research about this, because it obviously affects me. As a medical professional, I have been reading many scientific studies.

One clarification is that gender identity is separate from sexual attraction. The current belief is that those with GID may have had either a delay in testosterone production, or an inability of neurological receptors in the brain to link with estradiol during the brief window in which that section of the brain which codifies a persons gender identity is formed.

If you have an interest in reading more about this, there are a number of sites which discuss it in detail,...or I would be willing to tell you what I have learned.

That said, every person (male and female) fall along a continuum from very masculine or very feminine in identity. It becomes an issue when the physical body does not match the identity. Like the region which codifies gender identity, there is also an area which codifies sexual attraction. Hence, a variation can occur there as well.

This, however, does not account for all of the cross-gender behaviour. Other factors come into play, such as childhood experiences, culture, ability to handle stress, and so forth.

Many men, while completely heterosexual, use cross-dressing as a means of coping with stress. Many theories as to why this is helpful. One may be that men are culturally encouraged to show little emotion and to be less than nurturing. Hence, cross-dressing becomes a way of getting in touch with a feminine side, which they can not do otherwise while in a male role.

For some men, there is a sexual component to it. It may be role playing or fantasy. So often in many cultures, sex is such a taboo discussion that it is not discussed. For that reasons, while many partners may have sexual fantasies,....they may not act out on them for fear of driving their partner away. They become trapped in a choreographed act of missionary position only sex.

Interestingly, your boyfriend was unable to answer the question as to whether or not he was bi-sexual. One the one hand, you could believe that he didn't want to answer the question for fear of what you might think. However, it is more likely that he is as confused by his desires to experience a feminine role, and is not sure what he feels or thinks anymore.

Understand too,...Freud had it wrong,...."penis envy". In American society, women are free to peruse any career, mode of dress, etc.... Man are not. Then also consider the one area that men may never experience,...pregnancy and giving birth. For many men, they are curious. Additionally, some men feel some insecurity as to how sexually satisfying they are for their partners.

My suggestion, keep an open mind, as questions in an open and non threatening manner. If you are open to new experiences, you might even be a little playful about talking about it. Acceptance and truthfulness feels liberating and wonderful. However, that does not mean that you can not set boundaries.

I have my boundaries. I do not cross-dress around my wife (except underwear), or in any place that might cause embarrassment to her or her family. Because my wife does not like the cross-dressing, during sex,...there is not a hint of femininity about me. She wants me as a man,...not a woman (weird, huh?). Yet, that does not stop my own feelings and thoughts during sex, which enhance the experience for both of us,...but which I do not discuss with her. Some women, on the other hand,...might be open to the idea of role reversal,...but these are all things that you two need to discuss.

Last thing,...if there is more to all of this,...such as with myself,....(which has it's roots in child abuse, post-traumatic stress disorder, and borderline personality disorder,....and is a coping mechanism),...then I suggest professional counseling. It doesn't mean he's crazy, and it doesn't mean he has to give up cross-dressing,...but cross-dressing alone is not going to deal effectively with childhood psychological trauma.

Best wishes,

Melody