Crossdressers-Haven.com

I'm a real girl and the reason I'm here is that last year me and my younger sister caught our father wearing our mothers clothes and even though I told her to say nothing she told our mother and since then our lives haven't been the same.

I talked it over with my closest girl friend and since then we both searched the internet for information and we've been reading this site for some time and it seems to be one of the sites which gives out good information.

I can't come to terms as to why our father would do this and make our mother so unhappy. She cries a lot and once she never did that, she always laughed and was so much fun, our place was a real cool place to be, now our home is not a real nice place to be sometimes so I don't bring my friends home anymore and that makes me want to run away but I don't have any money or anywhere to go and I can't leave my Mum I want to finish my schooling this year.

I find it so hard now to talk to my father although he has tried to talk to me about it but I just can't understand why he would do this to us. He says he's still the same father he always was but to me he isn't and to me he can never be the same as he once was, it changed everything and it's just like he's a different person now, I can't look at him now and see the real cool father I once had, I used to think I had the best and coolest father and I don't know how to handle this because I've always loved him so much, but a father is a father not something else as he is now.

I'm not trying to offend anyone and I hope nobody thinks I am. I'm not anti people who are gay or anything else, I have some nice friends at school who are gay boys but I am having trouble understanding why my father and my mothers husband would do this and not say something about it in the early days, because he told my Mum that he's always done it but my Mum says she doesn't think she can go on living with this so what happens to us then? Life would never be the same and I can't understand why he can't see this. How can he say that nothing has or will change in our lives when our lives and our home has changed so much in 6 months and from what I've read on the internet it only gets worse for the man in time as he wants to do it more and more which will only make our mother more and more unhappy and then that makes me want to hate him even though I love him, I know this must seem crazy but then that's what I think is happening sometimes that I'm going crazy.

Where does it end except in a broken home it seems to me and everyone unhappy, surely he can't want to wear womens clothes that much that he would put his family in this position and maybe losing everything even all our friends and we have to move somewhere new, is this what happens. Maybe if we hadn't come home that day and seen him then we would never have known but now we do know it's too late and it's effecting my grades at school which I can't afford in my final year as I need to be near the top marks to gain entry into my chosen career path.

I justw ant to say that if my mother wasn't so unhappy and sad then maybe I might have been able to be cool with it a bit more but if she can't handle it then what happens next, what follows with it, do families who were once close and happy just break up and that's it or does it sometimes happen that the father can be what he once was, but I find that hard to imagine as to me he's become someone else other then the father he once was, I don't feel i can trust him as I used to.

Well I'd better finish this up as I'm just repeating myself but if anyone has any suggestions which I might be able to think about then I'll appeciate it ever so much. I'm trying ever so much to understand but I nearly go silly thinking about it as there doesn't seem to be any answers which will make it go away.

Jennifer

Hi Jennifer,
Let me start by saying that by saying I can understand what your going through as I can't I will not BS you. From what I have read of your post I can see a lot frustration and anger at your father and the whole family deterioration. I am not sure what to say I would like to say I know it will get better or something that will make all perfect again but I can't.

Here is what I can tell you. Your father did not do this to hurt you on purpose and I can not image anyone ever wanting to do something that would make there family fall apart especially this. The biggest thing I can say is that you are hating your father for a lot of things especially what it is doing to your mother but the only thing I can tell you is by you not talking to him about it may only make things worse for you and your relationship with your father. Communication is the one thing I have seen that has broken up more familes than any I have ever seen. I do not know if this makes sense to you maybe it does maybe not. The only other thing I can say is finding a counslear who "HAS TO" keep your confidence so you can talk with about this. But talking with your father is maybe the first thing you might need to do. You and your family may need to all sit down and talk about this since everyone who is involved knows needs to talk about what is going on.

I once again am not sure if any of this will help. I do not like to see families come apart it hurts to much I want to help and I can only give you advice from my perspective and from what you have said. If ever you need some one to talk with you can with me and I will try and be a sounding board for you. There are many other people here who also may be able to help to so what ever happens I hope everthing gets better and I say by you asking for help and understanding is a good step.

Love a friend Jessie

Jen

im sorry it all blew up like this, its not a easy thing to deal with, jess is right you all have to talk things out, your mom has a lot of answers needing addressed, like are you gay? do you want men, do you want to be a woman, all questions that need to be answered, being a CD myself i know most of us are not gay, we are hetro and with understanding wives, the real answers to why we do it is not known, i find that its a condition very much like being gay in that you dont know why, another thing we all mostly have in common, is that it has been a part of us since we were very young, and i dont know this, but your father could very well have been doing this since he was a small boy, and hid it all his life, so is he realy any different now, no, the only thing that is different now is that you know, and that is up to you to decide how it will affect your love for him, maybe he just started doing it a little while ago, but chances are he has for some time.

So my advice is dont judge to quickly, and talk to him, he is not some kind of pervert or something, he is most likely all torn up inside just like you and your mom, with feelings of guilt and ashamed at himself for things he has almost no control of.

My prayers go out to you and your family, best of luck 2 u all

Hi Jennifer,

Here's a pretty good site with information that may be of help:

http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/menu.htm

Now, lets adress your post:

JenniferMu. wrote: I can't come to terms as to why our father would do this and make our mother so unhappy. She cries a lot and once she never did that, she always laughed and was so much fun, our place was a real cool place to be, now our home is not a real nice place to be sometimes so I don't bring my friends home anymore and that makes me want to run away but I don't have any money or anywhere to go and I can't leave my Mum I want to finish my schooling this year.

Your father, like myself, was born with a different genetic makeup than others. Why are some people left handed and others right handed? Did you know that not so very long ago, some children that were born left handed were forced to use their right hand, and that a lot of these children developed stuttering in their speech? There are some things that just can't be changed without damaging one mentally.

Current research points to the right arm of the 'Y' chromosome having a different structure than non-transgendered men. More research is being done.

Your father is not doing this because he want's to. He needs to. It is not a hobby, it is not an addiction and it is not a mental disorder that can be cured.

There is a hidden section in this forum readible only by SOs, wives, and girlfriends. Your mother may benifit from joining this forum and reading the posts in that section and talking to other wives. You can PM Beauty and ask for access to that part of the forum also.

Running away from one's problems only makes matters worse. Please never run away from any problems you have in life. Confront them and try to come to terms with them. In this case, a good family couselor, with a background in gender identity issues, may be of great help. It's 1000 times better trying to get good professional help, than it is to run away from our problems.

You say you have gay friends. They don't choose to be gay, they were born that way too. If you can understand them, and accept them, then I can't understand how you can't understand and accept your father.

I find it so hard now to talk to my father although he has tried to talk to me about it but I just can't understand why he would do this to us. He says he's still the same father he always was but to me he isn't and to me he can never be the same as he once was, it changed everything and it's just like he's a different person now, I can't look at him now and see the real cool father I once had, I used to think I had the best and coolest father and I don't know how to handle this because I've always loved him so much, but a father is a father not something else as he is now.

Consider this. Maybe it is the CDing side of your fathers personality, although once hidden, that made him so cool. Do you know other fathers that are not so cool? Maybe even some that are down right awful to their family? I sure do. If my father was real cool and I could talk to him about anything, I wouldn't care one whit that he liked to wear women's clothes. I'd only care that he loved me.

I am having trouble understanding why my father and my mothers husband would do this and not say something about it in the early days

Why? Look at what is happening right now. Everyone has turned against him. And for what, wearing a dress. It wasn't thant long ago women were fighting for the right to wear pants.

Boys are taught at a very early age that that doing girly things is unacceptable in society. So when they have this need to wear girl's clothes they hide it.

When they get older, and find a woman that they hope to marry, some believe they'll can quit and never crossdress again.

The information now available on crossdressing wasn't available when your father was a kid and when he got married. He probably had no idea that he couldn't stop CDing. So, why tell someone you plan on marrying that you wear women's clothes if you think you'll never do it again?

And if he had told her, and she couldn't accept it, and they never married, you would never have been born. You may wish you were never born, but you don't really mean it. Sounds like you've had a pretty good life compared to other kids around the world, and probably better than many you know now.

Mum says she doesn't think she can go on living with this so what happens to us then? Life would never be the same and I can't understand why he can't see this. How can he say that nothing has or will change in our lives when our lives and our home has changed so much in 6 months and from what I've read on the internet it only gets worse for the man in time as he wants to do it more and more which will only make our mother more and more unhappy and then that makes me want to hate him even though I love him, I know this must seem crazy but then that's what I think is happening sometimes that I'm going crazy.

A lot of women can't live with a CDing husband, even though he has been the best husband in the world. It's hard for us to understand that. Especially when you see women who have abusing husbands say that they love their husband and would never leave him.

Note that many CDs do not want to dress more and more, some do some don't. Where your father is in this is hard to say, but don't prejudge him.

Where does it end except in a broken home it seems to me and everyone unhappy, surely he can't want to wear womens clothes that much that he would put his family in this position and maybe losing everything even all our friends and we have to move somewhere new, is this what happens.

Crossdressing is not something we want. We never asked for this. It is a need we were born with. He can try quiting, which may or may not lead to some other problems, like depression, high blood pressure, heart failure.

He may have already tried quiting, like many of us have, and found out that he can't quit, like many of us have found out. I'm sure that if you've done the research you know we, at least most of us, can't quit.

It doesn't have to end in a broken home if both partners in the marriage try to work together to solve their problems. If one of the partners refuses to try, then it probably will break.

If you really love your father, then prove it. Support him. Don't think of him as some type of pervert. Don't be ashamed of him. Don't hide from your friends (yes you are hiding by not bringing them around your house anymore). Talk to your mother and try very hard to get her to try and learn more about this part of your dad's life, as you are now trying.

Dear Jennifer,

I don't know what I can say to make your pain go away. I just don't think I can.

What I can do is let you know that you are not alone, and either is anyone in you family!! If your mother needs support, and it seems like she does, ask her to join us SO's (significant Others.. in other words, wives) we have a private area just for us where we cry, rant, ask questions, and well, just about everything else.

I know my case is different that yours. My husband only started a month ago, and told me right away. But we have been together 12 years. So I understand the having the rug pulled out from under you feeling. Everything you once thought, even counted on is gone. I understand how sad and confussing that is.

Just remember, it doesn't matter what your father is wearing, He still loves you. He still loves your sister. He still loves your mom. He most likley hid it from you all because he was embaressed and ashamed. and didn't want you or your sis, or mom, to think less of him.

Given the chance, most people would stop in a heart beat. This is something he NEEDS to do. It is not a want. I'm sorry I can't explain why, Just remember, your father loves you. And if any of you need us, we are here for you!

Sinjoy(so)

Hello Jennifer,
I am very sorry this happened the way it did. I agree that you And your mother need to talk this matter over with your father and a councler. Your father loves you. I don't think he would want to hurt you intentionally.
I can only speak for mysef, I CD to get a better balance in my life,and because I feel better about myself. The only thing that has changed is you now know that your father wears womens clothes. His love for your family has not changed.
Don't let this Shock you had trun into hate. That is something I know about. My father did something when I was 11, that caused me to hate him. The hate I had for him grew till I was one of the most hateful people you ever saw.My own family didn't want anything to do with me. I ruined my life, becuse of hate. It took me 35yrs before I finnally came to grips with what happened. I no longer hate my father,and my life is alot better now. So please try and talk to your father. He still loves you, and I feel you really love him.
I do hope and pray things will work out for your family. Hugs sandi

Thanks to everyone who gave up their time to say what you have to me. I appreciate what everyone is trying to say to me and I guess this interaction should be good for me in trying to get my mind better so I can maybe deal with it all easier. I am going 19 this year and I do live in a fairly liberal minded city in Sydney but I haven't seen much or been out much as I have always devoted my time to my studies and my part time job as I have a career goal in life which is foremost in my mind, that's why I haven't got involved with boys as all my girl friends have, so my knowledge of the world isn't quite as good as theirs is.

I just want to say that I don't hate my father in the way most people may think applies to the word hate, but what I hate is what this has done to my mother. I love my parents both equally but probably in different ways, that might not be easy for men to understand but that's how it is. My father has been nothing but a model father as fathers go but what people can't understand is looking at it from my side he's not the same person he was. Maybe those people who are the same as him are in a position to know how it is from their side but from my side it's different because I've never lived with what he's lived with, if that makes sense, so I find it impoissible to try and understand how it is for him, but is there a way which we can understand more?

So many people have said to me that me and Mum just have to talk to him about it, and we have caertainly done a lot of that over the last 6 months but it just seems to fill my head up to where I can't think clearly and I just want it to all go away so things can be as they used to be but that can't happen and I'm not silly enough to think it can but I hate how my life is right now and it used to be a ball.

What I worry about is that at the end of this year I will be going into an administration training management program for an international hotel chain for the next 5 years, so then I'll be away from home and may be sent anywhere in the world to gain experience and that worries me because it'll mean my 14 yr old sister will be left alone and she's always had me to look after her and she's sort of scared of our father now because we both know that my best friends father has been touching my best friend for most of her life and my sister is now scared that our father may be the same, although he's never said or done anything out of place yet.

Donna, I accept my friends who are gay because they've always been that way and I've never known them any other way and I feel so safe with those boys, they have always been like brothers to me. I suppose if you've always been as you are then you don't know any different but don't you think that it's really hard to tell anyone how you feel inside, it's something we know ourselves but how do you go about making someone else know exactly how you feel, if that makes sense, I'm sorry if it don't. With my dad it's different because for the first 17 years of my life I've only ever known him as dad and the cool person he always was and he's always been my idea and vision of what a real dad is but now he's different. People can say that he's not any different it's only that I now know more about him but I can't see it that way as in my eyes he's no longer the dad he once was, he's now a different person. My mum says that he's now shifted the goal posts and the games changed and that shouldn't happen. I can see what she's getting at and even though we know he loves us as he always has and we love him, it's just not the same anymore but I guess anyone on our side of the fence can't see it how we do, just as we are having trouble seeing it from his point of view. My best friend says that if I'd grown up from little seeing him in a dress then it would just have been a normal everyday thing for us all but it didn't happen thatw ay and I guess I can only hope that with time things might get better.

The big problem is that when we do all sit down to try and talk about it then from his part of the conversation it's always 'I or me' it's never about 'us' or myself or my mother or sister although she doesn't ever talk about it with him she just can't she's scared of him now. He wants to be wearing womens clothes around the house but none of us want that and I'd just freak me out if my father dressed like a woman at home and that'd probably send my sister and mother silly. I know now lots of men do this and for months now I've been reading stuff from experts and from men who do it and most people seem to say that it's not harmful and is something which men don't have any control over but isn't it the same for me and my mum and sister? Are we expected to have control over how we feel while he doesn't so that we just go along with whatever he wants, we must have some rights too and just because he's our father and he earns lots of money so we can live good does that give him the right to have his way and we don't and we have to live eevryday with something which we find hard to accept.

I don't know about going to a counsellor, dad doesn't want to and mum says they'll only mess with our heads more. THis may sound a bit childish but I don't think we've turned against him because of him just wearing a dress it goes deeper than that because he's now something which goes against all that a father represents to me. He's not the father he was a year ago things aren't the same. Probably those people who are like him won't agree with me but that's because they can't see it from my side only his side and I know as mum says that it's impossible for him to see our point of view just the same as we can't see his because we aren't coming from the same place. I guess I know deep down that things will never change for him and I only hope that in time I'll be able to be a bit cooler about it all and also my mum because if she leaves him it won't be because she don't love him because she's only ever known one man and she's always taught me that love is forever, but I just don't think he was fair in nott elling her as she says, because she didn't have a chance to make up her own mind before she made a commitment to him and isn't that a fair assumption to make that a life long commitment has to be madew with all the facts out in the open and as my mum uses the analogy that changing the goal posts half way through the game is a form of cheating and cheats never prosper.

Anyway thanks to you people who've given me lots to think about, it'll take time to absorb much as just now my life is not how I'd like it to be but I won't give up on it all, maybe there will be a light somewhere sometime and maybe this is a test for us and if we can come through it then we'll all be better for the experience but just now I can't see how that could possibly be, I always thought these things happened to other people but then I'm just a silly young girl in a lot of ways but I'm learning.

Jennifer.

Jennifer,
Just read your post and your right. I could never understand your side but I think the little you have told us has at the very least given us something to think about. Your response is in sightful and emotional to me. As to someone who is going to a therapist I will say that not all of them are bad. I am glad that you still love your father and yes I think you are right it will take some time to understand. Your also right about how he should have been up front with your mom. Yet CDers are still looked down upon even lower than that of the Gay community which has in recent years pulled itself up. People are still scared of us but we are not dangerous we work, we play, and we love our familes just like nearly everyone else.

So in all in all we are still the same as we are we just have a more wide choose of clothing than most will except of us.

Hugs Jessie

Hi Jennifer,

Lots has been said to you here, and there are a few things I would like to add or perhaps say in a some what different way.

First is you would not like your father if he were to quit, and he can quit. I quit for eight years and started again because I could not find anything that would meet my needs as good or better than cross-dressing does. In other words I could not find another way to love myself. And as long as I was unable to do that, I was not a nice person. As all I was accomplishing was to repress who and what I was created to be. I was lost without balance in my life.

You have stated that it is not fair. And I will gladly be the first to say you are right. Who ever told you life was supposed to be that way? Do you think it was/is fair to your father to have been burdened with this package? He did not have any say in whether or not he wanted to make a commitment to living such a life. If he had do you think he would have have chosen it?

It is true we can not understand exactly what you are going through, and how it affects you. But this is not going to go away, and it is on your plate and it is yours to deal with, whether you like it or not.

And while you may find this harsh, I acknowledge that there are all kinds of feelings that you will have to deal with, that I can not see, or maybe even understand. And perhaps the SOs here can assist you with this, better than some of the rest of us.

I thank you for being honest with your feelings here. And I am wishing you success with this huge challenge that you are facing.

Love Darlene.

The big problem is that when we do all sit down to try and talk about it then from his part of the conversation it's always 'I or me' it's never about 'us' or myself or my mother or sister although she doesn't ever talk about it with him she just can't she's scared of him now. He wants to be wearing womens clothes around the house but none of us want that and I'd just freak me out if my father dressed like a woman at home and that'd probably send my sister and mother silly. I know now lots of men do this and for months now I've been reading stuff from experts and from men who do it and most people seem to say that it's not harmful and is something which men don't have any control over but isn't it the same for me and my mum and sister? Are we expected to have control over how we feel while he doesn't so that we just go along with whatever he wants, we must have some rights too and just because he's our father and he earns lots of money so we can live good does that give him the right to have his way and we don't and we have to live eevryday with something which we find hard to accept.

I absolutely believe you and your family have rights also. I cannot agree with your father if he is saying he wants to crossdress in front of you all, now that you know, without taking his families feelings into consideration.

My son lives at home and my daughter does not. He knows of my CDing, and is OK with it, yet I have not dressed fully in front of him, yet. He's seen my feet in pantyhose, and my nails painted, however. But knowing that he now knows makes it easier on me, anxiety wise. I know I don't need to run and hide if he should come home while I was dressed. My daughter does not know, I think.

I believe there should be compromise on both sides. Marriage is a partnership and there has to be communication and compromise in many things in a marriage. But compromise is not the same as ultimatums, those usually backfire.

I can understand where your father is coming from too. He's been hiding it so long, it's now a relief that it is in the open.

However, IMHO, for the time being he should be content to continue to dress, without duress from his family, in the same manner he has been, that is, when no one is home. With one exception. That is, he has to get his own clothes and not wear your mothers. Her things are hers and private.

I don't believe that that should be a perminent arrangement. CDing is not illegal, and he should not be made feel like a pervert or a common crimnal by continuing to hide.

I beleive that given enough time, he be allowed to appear in front of his family dressed as he desires. In between, he can appear in front of the family dressed for short periods and then longer and longer periods. Thus giving his family time to acclimate to the changes going on.

He should be considerate of his families feelings, just like he wants you all to be considerate of his.

I guess what I started out trying to get was if there was anything which would help me understand why people do this and although it will probably seem ambiguous I really am not a discriminating person. I believe in freedom of speech for all and even though people are going to say that I'm discriminating against my father I don't see it in that way. I see it that my mother, sister and I have been cheated out of something we've had all our life and in mum's case, the better part of her life and we want things back as they were. I can usually accept things if I can get the information which tells me why, how etc but with this all I seem to get is that's just the way things are, maybe I'm just too young to absorb it, but then my mother is the same as me so I don't know I just get so angry and frustrated and feel so damn helpless at times I wish a bomb would drop on us. If it's a medical condition then that's cool but I haven't found anything which says so, most experts seem to be divided as much as anyone else so who do I believe.

As far as life not being fair, well in my short time on this earth I've found that it's people who aren't fair, not life. I like to think I'm a fair person and I don't cheat anyone or be dishonest to them even if being truthful causes me some grief as it sometimes does. My parents have brought myself and my sister up with an attitude that we all have choices in our life and it's choices we make which either mean we have the best of a life or something else. Even though I didn't choose my father I think I have the right to choose what I can and cannot accept about him just as he has the right to choose what he does even if it breaks up our family, but I'm trying like crazy for that not to happen, not so much for me because I'll move out when I start work this year but my mother would just die.

I suppose what I'm reading in the underlying intentions of some things which have been said on here is that he doesn't have a choice and my mother and sister and I just have to grin and bear it. I hear all this stuff about if you love him, well that should work both ways if he really loves us. I mean he can do what he likes within reason outside our home as far as I'm concerned what I don't know won't hurt me, but what happens if we can't make ourselves like it when he dresses like a woman in our home, if as people say he really didn't have a choice then what if we don't have a choice in how we feel. Is he right just because he's a man and the husband and father and we have to fall in line, well I don't know about that one. I do most things he says because he is my father but I'm having a lot of trouble with this one.

Well I'm trying my hardest not to be impulsive and make emotional decisions just on my feelings but really it isn't getting any easier or any better, I'd say things keep going from bad to worse each day. If anyone knows how it feels then they know that being unable to sleep or eat and losing lots of weight has a bad effect on my mental state and I have no way of knowing whether my father has the ability to help us through this or even if he wants to. From what I'm hearing and seeing here it seems his side of things is more important than ours and that's not fair, because if it was me who was throwing our family into the pits I would do whatever it took to put things right.

Doesn't anyone have daughters around my age who have been through what me and my mother are going through now and were they able to handle it. I suppose I'll be seen as a silly young girl who doesn't know anything about life and as my father says when I grow up I'll see things different, maybe I will maybe I won't but in the meantime it looks like we have to grin and bear it.

I just want to say thanks to you people who have taken the time to give me your views I can see you are nice people and try to help and the lady who said to me that she knows how it feels to have the rug pulled out from under you well I told mum what you said and she smiled at that and said, 'damn rug I've still got the bruise on my bottom when I hit the floor.' At least you brought a smile to her face which doesn't happen much these days.

Jennifer

Jennifer,

As far as life not being fair, well in my short time on this earth I've found that it's people who aren't fair, not life.

Hmmmm??? What do you call life without people? Are they separate issues or things? Say it which ever way you like. Who ever told you that people were fair? When in the history of man kind was that the situation? Also what about those who are born physically handicapped? Something you can see? What do you say about life for them? Is it fair?

Even though I didn't choose my father I think I have the right to choose what I can and cannot accept about him just as he has the right to choose what he does even if it breaks up our family.

That is correct. You have a choice. And with whatever choice you make come responsibilities. (mostly to yourself) The direction that you need to take IMO is the one that you feel is right for you. (Not anyone else) It is no mistake that you were born into the family you were. There is a reason for it. You also need to travel the path that you were created for. You and your sister don't have to grin and bear anything. You and your sister need to get to a place where you are free to make your own choices and decisions. A rough place to be at such an early age, but it certainly appears that is what you are facing. His side of things are not more important than yours. You both have you own path to tread. and while that may not be fair, there is not much you can do about it.

I know most of what I have given you is factual probably not what you were looking for as a woman. Although I am a CDer I still think like a man. (providing information that will provide a solution. LOL) I suggest that you post in the SO section in order to have your needs met that I am unable to meet. I think both can be helpful for you.

Love Darlene.

Hi all,

Jennifer,

Unfortunately, there are no agreed upon reasons why we do this. One thing's for sure, you're seeing the soul of the man who is your father for the very first time. Just like yours, it's a fragile soul. It's a soul that will never love you less for being what it truly is.

And, again, unfortunately, there are no clear-cut solutions to your family's situation. I do recommend, however, that you all make tremendous efforts to communicate with each other. Re-learn what you mean to one another. Negotiate limits. Talk. Listen.

Darlene,

I consider myself fiscally handicapped, too. But it's nothing a raise couldn't fix.

Love,
CJ

Hi Jeniffer,

I so apologize about not getting here earlier. You are very smart, articulate, and a good person. From everything I've read you are an outstanding daughter and friend to both of your parents.

I'd say I'd have to agree with everything you said. I don't know this man, your father, but I can tell you I think of him as a villain. Keeping a secret of this magnitude from him loving family was wrong. Absolutely wrong. What you and your mother are feeling is absolutely right. You should feel angry, you should feel bummed out, you should hate what he did and the lies he's woven to keep himself safe. All I'm saying with those statements is you should be just as human as the next person.

You said he's taught you to be a good person and well, your morals are in check because you are super upset with him and are letting him know about it (not sure if it's words or body language). He probably taught you lying is not a good thing. He probably taught you not to trust someone who has been lying to your face and the time telling you that they love you. He probably taught you to be protective of your mother and to trust your instincts and protect her from anything that would hurt her. I'm sure your mom was equally responsible for your great personality and strong morals. I also applaud you for using your teenage powers of perception to say, "This is freaggin' all kinds of wrong." You are 100% right!

I equate your feeling of "what's going on? what just happened?" to something very extreme. I equate it to suicide. People tend to feel for the person who committed suicide meanwhile the family of the person who killed themselves is like, "What about us?" In my experience people aren't allowed to say "Well, he/she was a schmuck for taking the easy way out." You have to say, "Oh.. I feel so bad for what he/she must have been going through." For me that's like, "Whatever?" That person is dead. The victims are the family and friends of this person. Luckily your father didn't take the easy way out, though I imagine as much hurt as he's caused with you, your sister and your mom it's dawned on him that might be a route to take. At least you have the ability to go tell him, "I'm not talking to my father. I'm talking to one of my best friends and I have to tell you I can't stand you for what you did. You lied to my best friend (my mom) and you've hurt my little sister in ways you'll never understand all to keep yourself safe, under the guise of 'I'm protecting them by keeping this a secret'." Baloney. The only person who was protected here was him and now look at the lovely mess he's created. Be pissed because you have every right to be. Be protective of your mom, because by the grace of God, it seems one of the many reasons you were born was so she could have friends to help her get through this. Can you even fathom how alone she would feel without her best friends and the only people, other than her own parents, who love her unconditionally? Lets not imagine it because it makes me tear up, so I don't even want to think about how it could make you feel.

So, tell him, if you haven't yet, the way you really feel. Let him know the avenue of checking out of the planet isn't an option. He's caused enough hurt to last a lifetime. Tell him don't work on eternity. In a way your father has to start all over again. It's inconclusive right now if your mom can get over this. She may never be able to and I respect her if she never accepts his dressing. Bravo for her for saying she has limits. If she can accept him, which I hope for, then that's her own journey and you've got enough to be strong about. You can't take on her load too. Right now you kind of have to because she needs your support more than anything. I think you're so beautiful for being there for her. You're a great daughter.

When I was younger, like 1 million years ago, I could have never thought I'd go to counseling, but after like 500 thousand years I realized I needed to talk to someone, but that was my own decision. I can tell you from my experience it was a good thing, but I also went in my own time. I think that's also very important, so be your own guide there.

This selfish move by your father, in less than a decade will 'most likely' be forgivable, but for right now that shouldn't matter. Right now you should feel the way you want to because you weren't dealt with in a respectful manner. You weren't told the truth. That's wrong, very wrong. Don't let go of that right now. If you hold on to that feeling forever though, from what I've seen over these million years it'll cause you to become bitter on the inside. So there's a time for mourning and a time for forgiveness, but from everything I've read, that time isn't now. It's time to stand up to your father/friend and say everything on your mind. Empty the bucket of your thoughts because if you don't you will grow bitter over the years. Don't worry about being respectful, it seems you have that ability all built in.

I'm so very glad you posted here. What you've shown to all of those who keep this a secret and think it's exciting or ok that they are wrong too. I can make up a billion excuses for why it's ok not to tell, but all of them are selfish. They cover the truth with reasons with my the truth can't be told. "Whatever"

I so wish you the best in this phase of finding out. Don't try to understand more until you're ready. There are lots of reason for why we do this, but there is not ever any justification, at least in my peon little mind, why not telling the truth to your best friend (your SO) is acceptable when you know for sure you're doing something behind their back and not giving them the choice to stay or go. That's rock bottom selfish.

I feel so bad for you and I'm sorry you're going through this, but you're doing really good considering all you're facing. You're doing really, really good. I'm sure your father is coming to a strong realization he messed up in a big way too, but that shouldn't let him off the hook quite yet. You shouldn't be forced to bottle up your real feelings because you know he didn't mean to hurt you. That was flawed logic, but your feelings are real and they need to be expressed.

Now young lady about your education. Please listen to me, (not trust me) get yourself together by thinking of the wonderful mom you're protecting right now. You think she's crushed now, oh my gawd, she'd be devastated if you didn't pull yourself back together and get things back to where they were before your father's deceit was revealed. You are in the crappiest of crappy positions, but to choose life here will be paramount to your mom feeling better about herself, so lock your eyes back in those books at all costs. Your sister will also be looking at you big time for support here too. If you can do this then she will go, "Oh.. I can too." We don't get to save the world by any other way than leading by example. Your father has hindered your ability to do this temporarily by his selfishness, but you are now a young adult who has a lot of responsibility thrust upon you to help this family recover. I said help because each of you will carry some of the load towards healing. It does not all fall squarely on you. Sorry, that's probably a lot heavier than you thought it was going to be, but the truth is it's not as hard as you think when you return your focus to your studies. Everything will work itself out (that's the way life works) if you get past this and get back to "some" sense of normalcy. Your dad let your mom down, you'll need to do your best to make sure she doesn't get let down twice. I have every confidence you're going to be ok.

Sorry this was so long, but I wanted to give you my advice like others have given theirs. If anyone wishes to take apart any of the things I've said please quote and copy my response to another part of the forum so this thread can remain Jeniffer's.

God Bless You Jennifer, my prayers are with your entire family.. yes even the big fibber, your loving dad. He does love you, he just messed up in a huge way. I hope you'll forgive him, if you haven't already, over time.

Beauty

OK Jennifer, This may be a bit long.

I guess what I started out trying to get was if there was anything which would help me understand why people do this and although it will probably seem ambiguous I really am not a discriminating person. --snip-- If it's a medical condition then that's cool but I haven't found anything which says so, most experts seem to be divided as much as anyone else so who do I believe.

Many of us do not know why we do this. Research is ongoing. As I mentioned previously, it is not a medical condition. If it were it might be curable, but no one is looking for a cure because no one believes it to be a medical condition.

Crossdressing has been going on for thousands of years, and in some cultures has been considered a third sex. For lack of a better term we call that "transgendered" (TG). The American Indians, for example, respected the TG person, and some became the tribes Shaman.

I tend to agree with the research that points to a combination of genetics and hormones. During birth, all fetuses initially appear to be female. This is why it is impossible to tell the sex of a fetus in the early growth periods. At one point, the mother provides certain hormones to the baby and these result in whether the baby will be a boy or a girl.

Sometimes, something goes wrong in how the baby processes these hormones. Are you familier with the term "Intersexed"?

An intersexual is a person (or individual of any unisexual species) who is born with genitalia and/or secondary sexual characteristics of indeterminate sex, or which combine features of both sexes. (The terms hermaphrodite and pseudohermaphrodite, which have been used in the past, are now considered pejorative and inaccurate and no longer used to refer to an intersexual person.) Sometimes the phrase "ambiguous genitalia" is used.

Now, if that can happen, who's to say that the same thing cannot happen to the human brain. After all, the brain is the largest sexual organ we have.

Consider the number of cases, and there are quite few, of twins. Both raised in the same way, that is, "nurtured" in the same way. Culturally and socially. Yet one of the twins believes she (or he), yes girls can also be TG, is a boy (or girl). Why?

That is one reason I do not subscribe to the idea that being transgendered is "nurture" instead of "nature", but instead firmly believe it is more an act of nature.

I have four brothers, no sisters. We were nurtured in the same manner. So why am I the one that is a CD? What other explanation can there possibly be that it is not an act of nature?

It is ultimately your choice to believe what you want, however. But the fact is your father is a crossdresser, and will always be a crossdresser, even if you never see him crossdressed again.