Thanks girls for the nice words
As I grew up I continued to look for every opportunity to dress... with some close calls. To be honest, I secretly wished I was caught, but always managed to stay one step ahead (as far as I know).
I got older and bolder and eventually became familiar with all the drawers and closets where my mom kept her things. One afternoon, my parents and older brother were out... can't remember if my sister was born yet, but there I was in all my finery... my favorite blue/white polka dot dress, full makeup, heels, jewelry, lingerie... the works (no wig yet.... that would take years I wore a kerchief instead). In my mind's eye. I was looking rather beautiful and I was feeling very good.
As I mentioned, my grandparents lived on the second floor of our house and the doors were always open. There was free movement up and downstairs and lo and behold, my grand father walked in to read the afternoon papers. I heard the door opening and closed the door to my mom and dad's room where I was. Their bedroom was between the rest of the house and the living room where the TV was. If my grandfather wanted to watch some TV by himself which he had done on occasion...... he and I would have gotten he surprises of our lives......
I was panicky at first but then relaxed, resolved that I was going to be found out... and I was suddenly OK with that. I stood there, making no effort to wipe off makeup or change my clothes, straightening out my dress, waiting for the inevitable. Well... he finished with the paper and went back upstairs.... no such drama that day. I often wondered how things would have turned out if he walked in on the granddaughter he didn't know that he had. What would have changed in my life? I think it may have been life altering. Certainly my desire to dress would be out in the open... no hiding from the fact given the state I was in.
Another time, I was alone and in the bathroom painting my nails..... maybe 11 or 12 y/o. I just finished and who walks in the house, but my grandmother. I heard her go into the living room and turn on the TV. I hollered out hi to her and sat there momentarily determining that I would go into the living room with my red painted nails and showing them to her. I came very close to doing that.... but finally nixed the idea. I took off the nail polish and went out to say hi to her. My grandmother might have been the one who might have understood... but again.... I'll never know. Was this a lost opportunity? In retrospect, I think yes.
Like many of us, I suppose, I condemned myself to a lonely agony / ecstasy scenario ..... not really understanding what was happening and thinking that I was all alone in the world with my predilections.
Talk about missed opportunities....... One Halloween, I wasn't planning on trick or treating. I think I was in the 6th or 7th grade and thought that I had outgrown it. Our next door neighbors were good family friends,,,, in our neighborhood, we all knew one another, all the kids went to the same Catholic school, which was a block away from my house and generally all the neighbors were pretty close. The next door family had a son and a daughter and I called their mom Aunt Jean. I was friends with the boy, who was two years younger than I was. Aunt Jean wondered why I wasn't going trick or treating. I told her my mom was napping and I didn't feel like going anyway. She then took me completely off guard when she said.... "gee, we could dress you up like a girl".... I've got a fancy dress and all, etc... etc." My head exploded inside... all white lights and all.... OMG... what a thrill it would be..." But NO...... the rational side of my brain said that I was going to be found out... that there would be no way for me to hide the fact that I enjoyed wearing the dress and looking pretty. I had to avoid that at all costs.... so I declined. UGH..... to this day I regret that.
To absolutely add insult to injury, a couple years later on Halloween, some pretty girl knocks on the door and says "Trick or Treat". I answered the door and didn't suspect at all that it was my friend from next door, wearing the dress, I'm sure that I would have worn. Oh well....
Talk to you all later. kisses...... LJ
(If this is too much, or should be in another thread, I hope the admins will let me know)
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