Not sure about next steps

[Nancy A]

Hello!

I don't want to offend, but am a bit lost.

I am very lucky to be married to a woman who not only encourages my dressing--she has bought me my best items. This weekend, she bought me my first purse!

My worry is just where I fall on the spectrum. I dress most often in high stress times (my job has a great deal of pressure, especially now) and I am always finding myself aroused by dressing. Two of my four skirts are leather, and my two dressers are perhaps a bit too "bedroom" for public use. My wardrobe is increasing into more daily wear--and my wife is passing down her blouses

For the record--I am wearing my new panties (supplied by my loving wife) right now, and am feeling rather comfortable.

I am a very man-ish man, so I would never pass. Public outings would never happen outside say the pride parade in NYC, or a halloween party.

In the past, I thought it would be fine just at home, and most of the time that is true. Now I am not so sure--I get very excited thinking about going shopping with my wife, for example, and just spent three days wearing panties under my male clothes, and dressing at home.

Since I started as a teen, "release" has always been part of the event. Is this normal? Am I more on the "fetish" end of crossdressing, or is there something more? What advice would you give? I think I can be happy just keeping this at home with my wife, but then again--the freedom would be thrilling.

I am just a very confused, lucky to have a supportive, loving wife, recovering catholic crossdresser who still gets excited when dressed. Please share your story or advice!

Love,
Nancy

[Kimberly Kael]

Is this normal? ... What advice would you give?

My first piece of advice? Stop worrying about what is normal. Seriously. Learning to accept and celebrate what makes each of us unique individuals is what's really important, and while hearing from us may help you find new ways to think about your own experiences you shouldn't feel any pressure to conform to what works for someone else.

The best way I can explain my own process was that I was looking for balance. I wanted to feel as comfortable and at home with my day-to-day presentation as possible, knowing that there would be a natural ebb and flow to things - days when I would have more opportunities to express myself and days when I would have less. I'm happily married and didn't want to jeopardize our life together so figuring out how we would approach my gender identity exploration together was important, though I know I've stretched the boundaries of her comfort many times. I also needed a fulfilling work life, so my choices needed to be realistic in light of my career. Lastly, we're all social creatures and I needed to know that my decisions wouldn't preclude making new friends and blending in socially.

For most of four decades I had pretty much assumed that the only possible compromise was to live as a closeted cross-dresser, perhaps with occasional en femme getaways. Then I met a transgender woman presenting at a technical conference, living her life openly and productively. I spent a week in Vegas dressed 24/7 and found the end of that week to be nearly unbearable. My wife made it clear that she wanted me to find that balance rather than living a dual life. Then a senior leader at my company transitioned on the job and I was out of excuses.

The challenge of exploring my options is probably both obvious and familiar. There's no easy way to "test drive" the alternatives without letting people in on secrets I'd kept hidden my entire life, and no way to put that genie back in the bottle once it was out. Fast-forward a few years and I'm living a dramatically different life as a transgender woman on my own terms, without surgery or hormones, under a new name. So far things seem to be going well at home and at work. There are challenges on both fronts, of course, but life is all about facing new and different experiences and making the best decisions we can along the way. I'm looking forward to tackling whatever comes next!

[Tara M]

Welcome to the forum Nancy.

What you are feeling is completely normal and natural for a CD and indeed for many men who don't crossdress at all! You say you get aroused by dressing and that it's a release from stress, this is because what you do is a fetish and is a prime motivator for dressing.

As time progresses, the fetish part of it will diminish and a "lifestyle" part will increase until eventually you are so comfortable with your dressing you will have a hard time remembering if you went out en femme or in drab. That is a long, long way in the future and many girls don't get that far.

Going out en femme is a classic CD fantasy and a major milestone for all of us. I can still remember my first time so clearly even though it was 20 years ago. Don't worry too much about passing, none of us pass 100%, the watchword is acceptability. Going out to the supermarket in a PVC mini dress is going to attract unwanted attention, a blouse and a nice skirt (even a leather one) will result in an easier trip. Most people are too busy to notice and those that do are too busy to care. My advice would be to go and sit in the car while your wife checks out unless by this time you don't care if people spot you.

Going shopping for clothes is different. Most retailers aren't going to mind because a sale is a sale and most will even let you try them on.

[Anita]

Hi Nancy--
I'd say it's normal to have a sexual side to dressing, especially at the beginning. I've read a lot of our accounts, talked to a lot of us, and experienced it myself. It can diminish with time, or sometimes it diminishes when you go further into identifying as a woman.

I am a very man-ish man, so I would never pass. Public outings would never happen outside say the pride parade in NYC, or a halloween party

Never say never on this one. It is surprising what you can do in this regard.

Tara wrote:

Don't worry too much about passing, none of us pass 100%, the watchword is acceptability

I'd add that I just try to blend in, wherever I am. That can be done without a lot of notice paid.

[Susan]

hi Nancy

I agree you with the others, what you are feeling is completely normal. One point I would like to make is that this is not a static state but is continually evolving. I do go out in public but this only started 3 years ago and I probably had more barriers in my head than most others to doing this. With the help of others I developed the skills and techniques to present as a woman. It does work, back in August I spent two hours walking round a large city centre on a Saturday afternoon with only one comment I heard "That blonde lady is tall" from a woman to her husband.

We have a saying here that works - Baby steps. This works in relationship and presentational matters.

I promise you - this is FUN, just give it time to flower.

[DonnaT]

Going out isn't all it is made out to be, for everyone.

If you get to the point where you just have to go out, work at it slowly. Like a nighttime drive, etc. Maybe a Trans convention where you are in a hotel but seen by others.

Normal is doing what you want to do, not what others expect you to do. Believe me, you won't be the only one feeling like you do.

[Andrea Elise]

Hi Nancy,

First, there is no "normal". That's a word used by people who want to make you feel guilty about what ever that they are not.

Most of us seem to have similar experience and, for me, it is as though I am a citizen of some other country.

The feelings you have are not unique to you alone. When dressed, I always have an inner glow that I love. Sexuality is a part of that. You are perfectly fine.

Yes, that freedom to be who you are would be wonderful, but with it comes that fear of censure. For me, I choose not to open that door. There are many that do go out and it seems to work well for them.

Andrea

[Absaroka]

Hi Nancy,

While I agree that you shouldn't worry too much about normal, what you describe sounds pretty normal.

Here's a thought. If womens clothing wasn't exciting, both sexually, visually, artistically, why would so much effort be expended on it, both by women and the clothing industry. If lingerie didn't carry a lot of baggage why would there be so many stores carrying only lingerie (usually with a tiny men's section)

For a variety of reasons, some but not all just having to do with it being forbidden even when we are "out" there is often an endorphin rush that comes with dressing. This reaction can get hard wired into us. And then when we go out, that rush can combine with a lot of internal psychic stuff about hiding, or not hiding, or acceptance by ourselves or others, to make this a powerful experience. I think often the desire to go out has to do simply with the desire to not hide our secret, but there is something else. For example I love to walk in the woods in male clothing, but female clothing adds something to it, a sort of sensuality I guess.

For me there is a real element of play to dressing.

You'll eventually start to sort these things out, but one word of caution. There is a lot of diversity here, and there will be some stuff that will not resonate at all for you. That's normal also.

[Nancy A]

On this Thanksgiving--I have so many new reasons to be thankful! Thank you for welcoming me and offering your advice.

I am more motivated than ever to explore, and will share as I go along. It is powerful to know that I amok, and that this is ok, and what I am feeling is ok.

[Davita]

Where you fall in the spectrum? Darn. I thought it was a scale. As others have said, "don't worry about it." I'm gonna tell you "they told ya so... they told ya so..." If it's a fetish, if it's your way to counter pressures of life, if you do it because you love being who you are. Any reason is a valid and good reason.

When I was getting a little out of control, I saw a therapist. She had to determine if I was dressing for stress relief, doing it to protest authority or if I was truly trans. She didn't come to a full conclusion, but I was happy with they fact I got some of the help I needed and a few answers for myself.

This was years ago. I'm still me and I'm still trans.

[Paula G]

Rejoice that you have a loving and supportive wife, enjoy this aspect of your personality. Find what is right for you, and do it don't worry about being normal or what other people think, most of the time they don't.

[Ralitsa]

I would only add to this that you really can go out dressed and not have to "pass". I'm not sure if I even own male clothes anymore (maybe in some box in the attic), but I never try to convince anyone I'm a woman. Even if I'm wearing a dress, like today, it's obvious I'm a guy. Interestingly, nobody cares. So don't worry about it. But I would say that you should worry about what looks good on you. A lot of skirts and dresses can look really good on guys, I've been complimented more than once by both men and women. It takes a while to find the right look for yourself, but it's worth the effort.

[Zeta]

Hi Nancy.

I enjoyed reading your post and was gald to see that your wife is accommodating. I've been married for 47 years, and when I started seriously to crossdress a decade ago, it brought real pleasure to our relationship.

Over the past couple of years my wife has changed. Perhaps it's just aging, but perhaps it's the beginning of some mental decline. To make life simpler for her I've purged to see if it was my hobby that upset her. I found it made no difference and so am occasionally again wearing a hand-me-down dress or charity shop skirt.

However I always wear panties or Xdress.com male versions, and mainly women's pants, often women's shoes, and occasionally hand-me-down feminine tops. Occasionally also a hand-me-down bra. I find it relaxing and sometimes sexually stimulating, depending partly on my wife's behaviour.

I have no interest in passing or dressing in public, am comfortably male, but find great pleasure in wearing female attire.

Zeta

[Anthony Simon]

I'm guessing, but it sounds like you're transitioning from a more "release" form of dressing up to a more "ongoing" form and it's being enabled by your wife. That might be why you're confused, because you're in the middle of something and not sure where you're going to come out. I also have a form of crossdressing that seems to involve the impact of the outside world, like it gets more intense when things go bad for me.

The other thing I noticed about your post was you said that you're under particular stress from your job right now. Might not that be the reason for the transition (if it's occurring). To balance that in some way?

[Ginny Jones]

Hey Nancy - any activity that is associated with excitement tends to lead to escalation. This is because as you become accustomed to the activity, you have to escalate to reach the same level of excitement. This is a common Psychological principle and you see it happening in all kinds of activity. There might be all kinds of reasons why you are following this path - but this simple principle is sufficient to drive you on if you aren't aware of it. So be aware, be safe and have a good time

Ginny x