Crossdressers-Haven.com

The original of this was published on July 6, 2008.

It was a dark and stormy night. . . .well, ok, the truth goes a little differently.

Although I have a mental snapshot of carrying around a pair of shiny patent leather Mary Jane shoes as a very young child (probably around 3 or 4) my cross dressing started during the summer of 1971.

I should probably tell everyone that I am 49 (As of Aug 2009, I am 50 and in Feb 2022, I am 62) years old. I graduated high school in 1977. During the summer of 1971 I had just turned 12 and from what I recall, I was just hitting puberty.

IT ALL STARTED

During the summers of the early 1970’s I would go off to visit my grandfather who lived in a small town in western New Mexico. There were two boys my age, that I ran around with. One day, one of the boys and I were in the spare bedroom where I was staying. Somehow, we found a bikini that my mother had purchased for my cousin the year before. Evidently, she had left it. It was a typical 1970 style bikini, moderate cut (my cousin was about 16 or 17 at the time and had a colorful flower pattern.)

We were goofing around and teasing each other, and we ended up trying it on. I guess it made more of an impression than I knew, as it seemed I was hooked.

I really don't recall much about that year, but the next year, I "borrowed" a white bra (34B) and panties from my girlfriend. She never knew and as far as I knew, she never suspected either. I don't remember a lot, but I would wear them in a sexual connotation after going to bed. Before long, I borrowed another bra, panties, and baby doll nightgown from her.

GETTING CAUGHT IN THE EARLY YEARS

was not a pleasant affair for an 8th grade boy(1974). Even though my mother was a progressive and educated woman (she was a high school teacher) I don't know that she could have understood the ramifications of being confronted. I came home one day to find the cloths on the kitchen table. (It was a good thing that I had no brothers or sisters) I was immediately confronted when she got home a bit later, and was given the third degree about where the lingerie came from, but fortunately, she did not ask a lot of questions about what I did with them. My biggest worry was that she would make me "march down there and return them. Luck was on my side as she didn't do that either.

Funny thing, my mother asked, why I didn’t just try her “things” on. I just didn’t have the heart to tell her that as 13 year old boy, my mother’s 38 B bras hung off me like a XXX sweatshirt on a 4th grader, and the cups were big enough to seemingly hold a cantaloupe, not small and hand sized like my girlfriends boobs at the time.

Temptation eventually got the better of me though and I could not resist the urge to dress in lingerie again. For a short while, I did without, but later hit on an interesting solution. I had a friend who was a bit younger than I, and had a sister that was a year older than I. Since he owed me a favor, I asked him to "borrow" one of his sister’s bras and panties, which he did. This time the bra was a plain white 34A and was very soft and silky. Taking no chances, I hid these articles outside of the house where they were never found.

By the 9th grade I was hooked. I can recall wearing the panties under my jeans to night school one night. That was the first time I had worn anything outside of home. The feelings of trepidation, abject fear and excitement were indescribable. Those feelings would set the tone for probably the rest of my life, and I will describe below.

THE HIGH OF WEARING LINGERIE:

What I would realize later in life was that the trill of wearing something “forbidden” like a bra or panties set up an anxiety state. . Abject fear, and the thrill of getting away with wearing such things at the same time. . My nervous system was being pushed and pulled on both sides, sympathetic and parasympathetic, excitement and relaxation at the same time. After a few years of doing this, wearing a bra and panties felt like a relaxing norm. Getting away with it was totally usual. “I had a secret, and no one knew!” It is the same strange feeling today, more than 50 years later. The only thing that is different today is that I often wear black ballet shoes, with black jeans and socks out in public. It is not noticeable unless you really look, and 99.95% of the people NEVER look.

OLDER, BOLDER AND WISER

Around this time, my parents had purchased a house that was being built. and we would go over every few days to see how things were going. It was during this time that I first wore a bra out in public. I decided that since I enjoyed wearing panties under otherwise "normal" clothing, I would try wearing a bra. My first experience with this was on a trip over to the new house. I wore the 34A bra and panties under my boy clothes, and a windbreaker. No one noticed and I once again had the thrill of "Getting away with it."

Like many of my cross dressing brethren, I started becoming aware of what the girls of my age were wearing and wanted to emulate them, be like them, at least in what they were wearing. Most guys would notice that a girl was cute or had "great knockers." but I would notice what sort of bra they were wearing. . (With everything else in short order.) Of course, like most impetuous boys of that age, when you see something, you want, you try to get it and I was no different. I was not quite ready to go purchase these things on my own and asking mom to take me bra shopping just seemed a little out of the question.

Strangely, it was about this time that my parents decided I needed a bit of sex ed as well. Their solution? A copy of Dr. David Ruben's bright yellow "*Everything you always wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask." Certainly a "Novel" approach to the problem. Ruben didn't really address cross dressing per se but touched on it. It did help me to realize that it was something that I was not likely to be able to easily change and gave me a leg up on accepting my behavior.

My parents were also starting to respect my privacy more. This was a good thing as the cloths now went into a locked box under the bed. Though I am sure they knew it was there, they did not at any time demand to know what was inside.

So, now the problem of how to expand my "wardrobe" presents itself. Since we lived in the suburb of a large city (Ok, suburb of Oklahoma City) and I had a 10 speed that I rode regularly at night, a solution presented itself in no time.

There were a couple of apartment complexes within a few miles of where I lived. I discovered the laundry room one night. Hum, I thought. . no one is around. . . so, I watched, waited, and then went in. Opened a dryer and quickly looked though. I don't recall how long it was before I found something but soon my collection was growing.

I had given some thought to what to do or say if someone came in. Since I was in 10th grade and high school at this point, an excuse was easily formulated. my girlfriend left my class ring in her pants pocket when she stuck it in the laundry. Perfect excuse. . . and the only time I had to use it, it was accepted without question.

In my senior year, I had a girlfriend who was the first that I told about my cross dressing. I guess the social outlook had started to change as she was accepting of it. In fact, she was the first girl to buy a bra for me! She never had a problem with my wearing panties under my clothing which also helped with my accepting my "uniqueness."

GROWING OLDER GRACEFULLY. . .

in some respects was easy. As you get into adulthood, you start to accept things about yourself, and cross dressing was no exception. I was never bothered with my cross-dressing, but I did worry that friends and others might be. It was never much of a problem; I generally kept the issue from my friends and family. This would change in a few years however.
Buying lingerie became much easier though. As you get older, people assume you are married, and no one really asks you about it if you go into a store to get something for yourself. I soon realized that if you went into a store (this was the early 80's) and purchased lingerie for your wife/girlfriend/lover no one cared. There was no embarrassment. The big hurtle was always doing it the first time. You find yourself second guessing and looking at people in the store. ."will they say something" you ask yourself? After you can work the script in your mind and in reality, a few times, it becomes easy.

(Feb 2022 NOTE. . In this day and age no one cares at all. . even If you boldly proclaim you are buying lingerie for yourself!)

When you are young and in your 20's, you are thin and buying cloths is easy if only it were always that easy. . .After getting my first credit card, I discovered catalog shopping. This was in the days before the internet and even dial up BBS's were very popular. My choice in lingerie at this time ran to very small cup bra's that I could wear under a shirt and sweater. Avon fashion had a thin cup bra that was perfect.

A few years later, I married at age 21. My first wife was told about my cross-dressing from the start and never had a problem with the issue. Although the marriage did not work out, She and I are still on good speaking terms to this day.

I married a second time in the 90's when I was in my 30's. Having a wife that accepted the behavior made life much easier. Not only did she accept it, but she also encouraged my cross dressing. A few weeks before we were married, she had gotten a pair of small and inexpensive silicon breast forms for my birthday. Before that, I had been using foam that had been cut to size and shape. At this point, I was also an RN, and had enough disposable income to afford the "hobby" and a wife comfortably.

When we got married in Las Vegas, while I was wearing a bra, my first pair of silicone breast forms and panties! A few weeks before we were married, she had gotten a pair of small and inexpensive silicon breast forms for my birthday.


MID LIFE REFLECTIONS

of my life and cross dressing are many and varied. I do not regret putting on a bikini the first time. I enjoy my cross dressing. My wife enjoys my cross dressing and encourages it as well. I have often wondered, what set of factors drove me to dress a second time. . . I would think that the first time would have some amount of excitement for anyone, but WHY does anyone continue to cross dress? I have read extensively about it, but there are no real answers.

In my life, all the girlfriends (save one) have been very accepting of cross dressing. It truly saddens me when I read of an older cross dresser who kept cross dressing from their spouse and were later discovered with disastrous results. Keeping such a deep secret for so long from you soul mate could only be seen as a deep deception. I am thankful that times have changed, and at least in my case all I have shared with have been understanding and accepting.

I did have one girlfriend who went psycho for other reasons and tried her level best to destroy me. She went to all my friends and family, and promptly told everyone that I cross dressed (and a few lies as well) At the time is seemed like a disaster. I soon realized a valuable truth though. I realized that to those who really loved or cared about me, would accept me as I AM. It was from this event that I gained the courage to tell everyone that I really did cross dress. Out of the friends and family I told, everyone was fine with it. I was not going to let my cross dressing be used to hurt me. If everyone knows, you can't harm me with the truth.

TODAY MY CROSSDRESSING

is almost exclusively "under dressing." That is, I wear a bra with silicone breast forms, panties, and Keds or some other not glaringly obviously woman’s shoe. Keds are good, black Mary Janes are good. . .In all the time I have dressed this way, I have only once gotten a strange reaction and that was in a book store. I was wearing white keds and some fellow just stopped, mouth agape and stared at my shoes. Never said a word. . just stood there with a stupid look on his face.

From the first time I went into a woman’s shoe store (with my wife) and asked to try on women’s keds, (the salesMAN never said a word, just helped me like any other customer) I have never had a problem buying women clothing or shoes. I want younger cross dressers to understand that salespeople don't care, it is a sale. . that’s it. About the only group you might have problems with is young teen age girls in wolf packs at the mall. . .

I have discovered that I can wear an under wire bra with 36B silicon breast forms and not be noticed under a bulky or loudly colored shirt (such as a Tiki or Hawaiian shirt)

2022 UPDATE, MUCH HAS HAPPENED IN THE YEARS SINCE MY LAST UPDATE in 2010.

Where to start? I have been married a total of 4 times, and in each case my wife accepted my cross-dressing. . some wives were more “enthusiastic” about it than others, but overall, none rejected it. Wife #3 was a girl, literally my same age, and who had graduated from another High School in the city area that competed with my school way back in 1977. . .she was a bit reluctant at first, but after chatting with her best friend who told her that cross-dressing was just a “fetish,” seemed to solve the issue for her. After that it was not an issue. . .Of course, her son was gay, and she was a bit conventional. Still, it was not a problem.

Wife number four was the most accepting of all. We were married when I was in my 50’s, and she was a bit younger. She had three children, two boys and a girl. . Which presented some interesting challenges. “We” collective decided to tell the two children (middle boy and younger girl) that I cross-dressed. It went surprisingly well, and I discussed it in another post. We only had a single worry that one of the children would spill that fact to their father (with whom I initially had a contentious relationship) but we explained about personal information that one does not tell everyone else. Of course, we had to thread a needle here as we wanted to make sure that if anyone inappropriately, you MUST tell someone, your mother, a teacher, whoever. Amazingly the kids accepted it and had no problems keeping it under wraps. . .

GETTING CAUGHT, OLDER YEARS

I would add that the eldest boy was not told, but found out of his own accord and was in a most embarrassing way. One night my wife went to her mothers for an evening, and the youngest stepson went to spend the weekend with his elder brother (who was out on his own at the time when his mother and I had married) I was off that weekend and was home alone. Sitting at the computer in Bra, breast forms, and jeans. . I had locked the front door, but younger boy had a house key. The kids were playing video games and decided to come back home to get a different controller. .
About 21:30 (9:30 PM) someone was making noises at the front door. . I went to investigate when the door swung open, and in come the stepsons, only to find me retreating to the bedroom wearing a bra. . I wish I could say Hilarity ensued, but only for the boys! I explained and of course, in short order, he spilled it to everyone in the family. . brother in law, sister in law. Mother in law. . you name it. . Fortunately, they did not tease me about it. . and said little. But It was out.

ANOTHER SOURCE FOR CLOTHS

Just a quick mention to the newer cross-dressers. If you have not been to Goodwill or other secondhand shops, you should visit them. IF you want to build a wardrobe, Goodwill is the place to go. They have a wide selection of dresses, skirts, blouses, jeans, pants, coats. . . you name it! The stuff is attractively priced, and literally no one cares if a guy comes in and takes a dress into the dressing rooms. We have 5 Goodwill centers in my area, and I have been to each one, tried on cloths, and purchased them without incident or funny look. I have even had some interesting discussions with people about the issue while there!

CROSSDRESSING IN YOUR 60’s

These days, at an age of sixty-two, I never would have imagined myself still cross-dressing at this age. I don’t know that I can say I gave it any serious thought, but just never imagined it. I still underdress. . wear a bra and small forms, panties, and often black ballet flats while out and about. There is very little sexual component left to it today, but I still engage in sex, often cross-dressed. These days, I worry more about finding a decent bra, than anything else. After years of underdressing, I realize that no one is going to “catch on” that I am cross-dressing, and even if they did, would not likely even care. People hugging me? Not a worry. . in all my years underdressing, NO ONE has ever noticed. . .

I don’t wear lingerie to the occasional doctor’s office visits. . Such things are not their business, and I really don’t see letting the docs or their staff “discover” that I am wearing lingerie to be of any value for anything. There is a difference between accepting one’s cross-dressing and one proclaiming to the world, “Look at me, I am wearing panties and a bra!” So what? . . .the world does not WANT to know, nor do they care.

NO PURGING ZONE:

I would add that because I had accepted my cross-dressing early on, (remember my mention of reading "*Everything you always wanted to know about sex, but were afraid to ask?" in the 70's? That helped me to understand I was not going to change the behavior, and the best course was to accept it.) I never tried to change it, and never really had a desire to change it. I would add that if I had to do it all over again, I don't know that I would consciously pick up cross-dressing casually. Beats the heck out of exposing ones self, and risk getting arrested, or some of the really weird sexual fetishes.

Strangely, I did, one time around age 17. . and took all of my lingerie and hung it on a tree near a neighbors house. Neighborhood kids at the time thought it strange but never connected me with the incident. To this day, I still don't know WHY I did that. . but never went through a purge/replace cycle after that.

MY BREAK WITH THIS INTERNET SITE AND THE CROSSDRESSING/TRANSGENDER COMMUNITY

It has been some time since I have posted on this website. In fact, I have dropped off the site, as well as any other cross-dressing sites. . the “why” goes back some time, but you deserve to know why.
This goes back to the early days of my public admissions of cross-dressing. . Around 1994, I had decided that I wanted to expose the third wife to my cross-dressing in a different way. Not just a boring recitation of facts, but more on questions such as: Why I did it, what I got out of it, that I was not gay, and more importantly that I had no desire to become a woman. There was a local group dedicated to exactly these concepts. A nationwide group called Tri-Ess.com. They still exist to this day. As they put it:

“Tri-Ess is an international support and social group for straight (heterosexual) cross-dressers and their partners, spouses, and families. Our organization has provided over 50 years of cross dress service!

We are comfortable with our birth gender and feel no desire to change it. But we have an opposite-gender facet to our personalities that most people either don't experience or rarely express. By accepting and exploring our cross gendered side, we find a broadening of experience that can be enriching, fulfilling, and liberating. We dress in emulation, rather than in mockery, of the opposite gender.“

Their mission, is and was, the heterosexual support for “cross-dressers and their partners, spouses, and families. . .” Note the distinction. . Transsexualism is not listed. I recognize that this will not win any brownie points these days, but there are people who just want to cross-dress and have NO DESIRE to change their sex. I am not going to spend a lot of time on the how’s and why in this update, but to say, that this same issue that has largely killed Tri-ess, has greatly affected this web site as well. People deciding they were transgendered and not just, "cross-dressers.

Don’t get me wrong. . there are some amazing people on this web site. Most of the people here are. I have had, historically an ongoing disagreement over the issue of cross-dressing v. transgenderism with this site. Please just understand, I am not telling anyone, how to live your life, you alone are the best judge of how to live your life. However, by the same token please understand that crossing the barrier from Cross-dressing to Transgenderism is a significant one. It is not to be taken lightly, and it is not for everyone. Deciding one day to change your sex is not a panacea to a perfect life. Nor is it something you can easily come back from. You cannot just change your sex like changing cloths. It just does not work like that.

Just be aware, you don’t HAVE to cross the threshold to Transsexualism to be happy. . others can and have done it and are happy in life.

Wishing you well, in which ever road you choose-
Wesley

Very interesting read Wesley and thank you for posting it. You and I have had the crossdresser versus transsexual discussion before. They are two distinctive situations though they do overlap in the way society looks at them. I have said many times to LGBT individuals, meetings, even psychologists that lumping them all together under the umbrella of transgendered is a disservice to all. Yes there are varying degrees they assign to them but the issues are different for crossdressers and transsexuals.

Wesley you said, "Please just understand, I am not telling anyone, how to live your life, you alone are the best judge of how to live your life."

While I 100% agree everyone has the right to live their life as they see fit I do have a caveat. As one who has been active in the TG community for many years and mentored more than a few girls through transition and beyond the one thing I absolutely insist upon is they are seeing a qualified therapist. I have seen more than one girl lost in the "Pink Fog" and cannot separate the desire to wear women's clothes even preferring to from actually being a woman. There are some cases we may not be the best judge how to live our life.

You then went on to say, "However, by the same token please understand that crossing the barrier from Cross-dressing to Transgenderism is a significant one. It is not to be taken lightly, and it is not for everyone. Deciding one day to change your sex is not a panacea to a perfect life."

Truth! Changing my gender to the world did not make my life perfect, if anything it complicated it even more. I thought long and hard before making my decision for I knew that path would be difficult. Yes I have my "perfect" moments after that choice but I have also had far from perfect moments and even tragedy in my life. While there are more than a couple of things in my life I wish I could go back and change I have never for even a second regretted the choice I made to become the woman the world could see that I should have been born.

Any life altering decision needs to be thought through completely and all sides need to be weighed for whether anyone believes it or not these types of decisions have effects on others. While there are 1000's of highly qualified and discerning therapists out there who will give honest assessments there are also quacks. Additionally there are individuals who cannot accept an honest assessment and will "therapist shop" until they find one who will tell them what they want to hear. Not saying there can't be differences of opinion and that happens but there are standardized tools most therapists use to help in formulating their opinions here.

As one who lived the first 26 years of my life as a male even though I knew that was a lie for a few years then the next 40 plus as a woman I can tell you life on this side of the gender curtain is harder. Yes life has gotten better for women over time there is still misogyny, pay inequality, sexual discrimination, sexual harassment, sexual predators and other factors out there every woman faces every day of her life. In many ways those are multiplied for the TG woman for not only do you have to battle those but also fight to be accepted as a woman.

While acceptance is far greater today than it was when I started my transition back in 1979 there are still some hung up on the stigma of what you were rather than who you are. I saw it in acquaintances, some alleged friends, even many in my own family. Not trying to be derogatory here but there is also the issue of the male ego. I have always been open and honest about my being transgendered with a gentleman if I saw the potential of a relationship going somewhere. While some have just left saying they "need to think about this" never to been seen or heard from again I have also had some say some very vicious and demeaning things before leaving. Thankfully I have never been physically assaulted after telling all but I am aware of more than a couple of cases where this has happened. Yes there were a couple of gentlemen who did not leave after my telling them and one who did come back but they were the exceptions. For the record the one who did come back was to become my 2nd husband Jim told me the first thing that went through his mind when I told him was "I slept with a guy and I'm not gay!"

Wesley as I said you and I have had a couple exchanges over the years. If I said anything you were offended by I truly apologize for that was not my intention. I know at times I can come as overbearing and a know it all. I many times let my passion for certain things overrule my common sense and manners. I have tried to work on that over the years but I am far from perfect. I do stand by everything I have said but perhaps I could have said it better.

Now on a personal note Wesley. I hope you can continue to visit here on a regular basis posting and/or commenting as you see fit. Speaking as a Moderator all opinions, thoughts, and ideas as long as they are not harmful, demeaning, and within forum rules are not only welcome here but also needed and always will be as long as I am around.

Diana,

Indeed we have disagreed more than a few times on this issue. My perspective comes down to the exceedingly large number of suicides in such transgendered persons. . those that elected to transition and change their sex, after a period of 10 to 20 years down the road after their sex change is final.

For example this 2022 study, "Suicidality Among Transgender Youth: Elucidating the Role of Interpersonal Risk Factors" available here: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32345113/

The article notes, "Data indicate that 82% of transgender individuals have considered killing themselves and 40% have attempted suicide, with suicidality highest among transgender youth."

A big part of the problem seems to be the rush by society to embrace transgenderism, and promote transition, perhaps a bit prematurely. It seems that many of these individuals have significant untreated psychological pathologies present that are never treated, and often ignored while rushing to allow transition.

I certainly don't want to rehash out repeated discussions of essentially the same points, but to note that those conflating issues must be addressed before a transition should be allowed to proceed. The level and numbers of 10 to 20 years post surgery committing suicide is still very high.

I would also point out that there are increasing numbers of people who are abandoning transition, and moving to actively reverse what has been done. I simply want people to be aware of what is happening, and these individuals reasons for transition regret. There are some things you simply cannot come back from, no matter what. It often leaves the person in a worse situation that they were before the transition issue clouded their decisions.

One needs to understand thoroughly, how one typically tends to become a crossdresser in the first place. One needs to understand, how over time require increasing stimulation to achieve the same feelings of comfort or arousal as before. The escalation starts simply enough, and eventually gets to a point where the next level is to actually change ones sex. The problem is there is nowhere else you go after save full surgery. At some point years post surgical, such persons realize that they did not become the person they envisioned they would be, due to a sex change. Even worse they cannot return to what they were before. Such circumstances may or may not be a typical case, however it does frequently happen that way.

Just know that not all transitions go as well. If anyone is telling you that you need to transition without addressing other psychological issues, beware. Once a person is of majority age, has considered all the risks and still elect to have surgery, as we used to say in the 70's, "More power to you!"

It is a tough decision that I would not want to make. . .Good luck whatever you decide.

Yes Wesley we have had more than one discussion on this and while we have agreed to disagree at times I like to think all were civil. I have always enjoyed hearing the other side of arguments as long as they are civil, well presented, and fact based and yours always are. While I doubt either of us have changed the other's mind you have made me think about things and I hope I did the same for you.

I am not going to dispute that 82% of transgendered individuals have at one time or another thought about suicide. My question is what is that made them consider it? I admit I have thought about ending it all a couple times in my life however those thoughts were not brought about because of being transgendered but other things that occurred in my life. Do I fall under the 82% or the 18%? Also what percentage of the general population has at one time or another thought about suicide?

It does not surprise me the suicide rate is highest among transgendered youth but I believe the suicide rate among youth particularly teens is increasing. Let us be honest one's teen years are not easy. The confusion as one transitions physically from child to adult, the raging hormones regardless of gender, the pressure to "grow up", peer pressure, everyone asking what are you going to do with your life, etc. can be overwhelming and is to some. Now add in the feeling you "just don't fit in" and that confusion multiplies. One may not even be aware they have gender dysphoria just a sense that something's different.

I don't disagree with you in at least some cases there a rush to "premature transition." In some cases I blame the individual for that, in some I blame the therapist, and in some I blame society for there are certain circles it is considered fashionable to have a TG friend same as it was a few years ago to have a gay friend. I'm not sure how to address this issue but it is real and needs to be looked at. Transition and even more so the surgery to change one's gender physically is a truly life changing event! It is not like repainting the living room orange or buying a new car. There are multiple consequences for the individual involved as well others. The path must be available for those it can and does help but there must be safeguards in place to prevent harm to those who it will not. The current system works well most of the time but it could do better. I'm open to suggestions here.

As for suicides and the desire to "change back" 10 or 20 years down the road I am not questioning it occurs however at what frequency? What are the causes? Yes some of them may be regret but I would find it difficult to believe that is not the only reason. If so how does one explain the suicide rate among cis individuals?

We have all issues. I have some far beyond being transgendered, perhaps even some I am not aware of. One of mine is body image issues I have They go back even before I came to realize I was transgendered. Back then it was my being on the short side particularly compared to my father and brother and a bit on the wiry side rather than being muscular. Now its being on the tall side, large shoulders, and not having a more classic shape. Different manifestations but the same issue. Should that or another issue prevent one from pursuing life as they should have been born? In many cases it is not about having issues rather learning to live with them, being transgendered is no different. Some can be aware of being transgendered and learn to cope with that without making any changes in their life. I and many others I know were not able to do that.

"One needs to understand thoroughly, how one typically tends to become a crossdresser in the first place." I am going to have to disagree with you here Wesley. One doesn't "become" a crossdresser anymore than one becomes left handed or gay. It is something one is born. Granted it can manifest itself at different times and in different ways. One can never even act on it but that doesn't mean it is not there.

"One needs to understand, how over time require increasing stimulation to achieve the same feelings of comfort or arousal as before. The escalation starts simply enough, and eventually gets to a point where the next level is to actually change ones sex." The vast majority of transgendered individuals myself included start out crossdressing. There may have been a "sense of comfort or arousal" in the beginning but for me that changed rapidly. I'm not sure how to describe it without turning this into War and Peace so maybe an example from high school may work best.

The "normal" teenaged boy looks at the cute girl in her skirt and top and thinks how can I get her out of those? The crossdressing teenaged boy would look at her and wonder how would that I look on me? I would look at her and think why am I not dressed the same? Dressed like I am is just wrong! I should be in a cute skirt and top! This is not me! I am not a boy! Why am I different? It had nothing to do with clothes or sex or anything most would associate with being a teenager.

It is difficult to put into words. Think going to the Humane Society and walking past 100's of needy and cute puppies each tugging at your heart strings then suddenly you stop in your tracks. This one! No it is not any cuter nor more needy than the others you have seen. It may even be not as cute or have special needs. There is no rhyme nor reason for this one over the others you just know in your heart it is the right one. In a way picking out that puppy is the same as the difference between being a crossdresser and being transgendered, you just know. It is not about the clothes or sexual preference or "comfort" or "arousal" or what you like or even what you think. It is what you know down to to your very essence.

I probably know more transgendered individuals than pretty much anyone else here, both M2F and F2M. Have had many long talks with them about being transgendered. I and just about every other transgendered person will tell you life on the other side of gender curtain is not easier and in many ways far more difficult but they are glad they took the first step.

Now on a personal note. Even though I knew was different and thought I knew what was best for me I sought the advice of a professional. It didn't take long for both my therapist and I to agree I was transgendered it still took me yet another year to take the steps to become the woman I was inside. I knew that transition and surgery were not going to be an easy path and I thought long and hard about it before starting my journey, It has been over 42 years since I began my transition and coming up on the 40th anniversary of my surgery. While those years have for the most part been good there have been more than a couple of times of despair, tragedy, and sorrow. Still even in my darkest moments I have never for even a single second given a thought I made the wrong choice.

Wow, I am pleased to see that Crossdressers-Haven.com is back on line. I recall there was some serious discussion about the future of the medium some time back, and then the site went silent. . .no notice, no note, nothing. I was afraid that it was forever consigned to the pages of internent history.

I took a chance this evening and clicked on my story just on a whim and the site is back! Glad to see it.

I suspect we will still face the same historical problems. . .low numbers of people seeking wordy interfaces that are not new flashy and offer instant fame. But then, for most of us who crossdress for whatever reason, that is NOT what crossdressing is about, nor why we do it.

Welcome back old friend. Glad to see the site survives to tell my story.

Good to see you also Wesley. Yes we are suffering from low numbers, low participation. I am open to suggestions. Still hanging on.

Kimberlys CD

Hello all!

I notice my last update was Nov of 2024. . .As some of you may recall I was a bit concerned that one of our fellow posters in this forum had stopped posting about the time Covid was hitting. It was a bit disconcerting as the person had been a prolific poster on this site. AFAIK, no one ever found out what became of her.

We of course had a brief discussion about privacy, and it is certainly important. I think it worth noting that as posters here, we are members of a larger community, and sometimes a bit isolated with regards to issues of crossdressing and sexuality. At any rate. . .

A quick update. . .I have officially retired this year. Wow. .IIRC my first posting of my story, was back in 2008. Coming up on some 18 years ago, now. Where has the time gone?

In that time, I have gotten divorced again. . .my father passed several years back, and adjusting to retirement is not as bad as I thought it would be. I have a couple of pesky indoor cats that keep me busy and out of trouble and am just starting to get caught up on years of reading material I have neglected.

About the same time I started posting here, I had started a lifetime chronology, with everything I could document. . addresses, schools, teachers, former classmates, life events, External events that have touched me one way or another. . Major news events (to help place any given event and where and what I was doing at the time). The stupid thing is up to 618 pages and 298,113 words. Geez!

I still maintain a state of "underdress" when going out and about. Friends know. No one cares. Well, save one co-worker I had told, and later regretted. . .but it was a benign issue. We don't live in the same town, or even the same part of the state. I let my chronology reveal my feelings:

2016 Mar 07 Divorce Decree Bonnie (FD 2016-XXXXX XXXXX Co, Ok)

2016 Apr 12 Last meeting with Pam XXXXXXX for lunch. It didn’t go well. She basically told me to “get lost” how quaint. It was around this time; I moved back to OKC from XXXXX.

The divorce had very little to do with the other co-worker. . .And yes, I live in the greater OKC area. I had moved back to take care of my father who came down with Alzheimer’s. . he passed, and with no brothers or sisters, thank goodness we had put the house into a trust . . . It's been paid off for years. --but it still has shag carpet in at least one room. Talk about dated!

Otherwise, I need to catch up on season 4 of SCTV (second city TV, -a comedy series) Ray Donovan as I missed the first season or so, Waiting for season 2 of Landman to drop as I refuse to pay for a streaming service. And probably about three dozen Blu-ray movies I have purchased but not watched yet.

Lots of reading about Western Civilization, Toxicology, and a book called "Returning Home" by Jerry M. Burger, about reconnecting with our Childhoods. An amazing book called "The Idea factory, Bell labs and the great age of American Innovation" by Jon Gertner. -about the amazing miracles that came out of Bell labs from the 40's to the 70's and their unique approach to scientific advancement.

Interesting aside for Ayn Rand fans. . there really was a person named John Galt. . .and he worked at Bell labs and Sandia labs. John Kirtland Galt was a real person and made some amazing predictions. He was a prominent physicist.

Lastly, the long-winded book, "The Civilizing process" by Norbert Elias. . .

Oh and I started collecting post cards from OKC circa 1955-1970. . There is a series of books called The Vanished Splendor, I through III, which offered an interesting lookback at what the city was in years past, and places that are gone. . The last came out back in '85. . the three authors have died off. I wanted to see volume IV come out. . and maybe I can put together enough material to make that happen. . .(or maybe I am delusional!)

And as a bread crumb, I am on Facebook, and reddit. I am a bit of a local historian, and if you look in the right groups, you could probably find me. Just to be clear, I am not worried about my name getting out or remaining super-secret about cross-dressing. So, if someone sees me, just ask, "Don't I know you from CDH?"

Not an invite to dox, just that if anyone is in OKC, and wants to chat, or have lunch sometime, I'm open to it. After all, I am just a humble old gray-haired old fart.

A few closing reflections. . those of us who mostly grew up in the 70's may remember a Danny O'Keefe song, "Good time Charlie's got the blues" He notes:

"Everybody's gone away
Said they're movin to L.A.
There's not a soul I know around
Everybody's leavin' town

Some caught a freight, some caught a plane
Find the sunshine, leave the rain
They said this town were a waste of time
I guess they're right, it's wasting mine

Some gotta win, some gotta lose
Good time Charlie's got the blues
Good time Charlie's got the blues
Good time Charlie's got the blues

You know my heart keeps tellin' me
You're not a kid at thirty-three
Play around you'll lose your wife
You play too hard you'll lose your life

Some gotta win, some gotta lose
Good time Charlie's got the blues
Good time Charlie's got the blues
Good time Charlie's got the blues

There is a lot of wisdom in those lines. . .

IF you are feeling really reflective, check out "1900 Yesterday" by Liz Damon. Especially after the realization that Bobby Kimball, the lead singer from Toto and noted for the 80's song, "Africa", has developed dementia and is no longer able to perform. . .Damn, we’re getting old here!

My Little Town, by Simon and Garfunkel, is another classic to offer reflection.
Matthew and Son by Cat Stevens
Missing by Everything but the girl
Shout by Tears for Fears
What's Up? by 4 non blonds
Wichita Lineman by Glen Campbell
Turn the Page, by Bob Seger.

and. .

I'm Still Standing by Elton John

But hey, I've wasted enough words for one evening. . .

Oh one more thing. . if you are old enough to remember the "Whole Earth Catalog" from about '67 to '72 or so. . I dug mine out and remembered how amazing it was for the time. . it was the INTERNET before there was an INTERNET. . Funny feeling blown away by something you had almost forgotten.

For those who have no clue, they are now mostly available on line. . "the LAST WHOLE EARTH CATALOG" is here:

https://wholeearth.info/p/the-last-whol ... nuary-1971

Amazing stuff for the time. Amazing how many of the listed books, I ended up purchasing over the years. . . as a 12 year old when TLWEC came out in 71, reading the darn thing put me years ahead of many classmates with regards to exposure to new ideas and what was going on in the world at the time. .

That and -the National Lampoon Radio hour. One album in particular, THE MISSING WHITE HOUSE TAPES in 1974. . Nixon. . .give it a listen if you want to see what the likes of John Belushi, Chevy Chase, Rhonda Coullet, and Tony Scheuten were doing before SNL. .

Again, light years ahead of their time. Well, at least light minutes ahead.

(1 light minute = 1.118 x 10^7 miles.) Yeah, a bit nerdy. . sorry.

A bit later 21 Mar 2026:

I am still around and still doing relatively well. I would add that I had a heart attack a few years back (May of 2021) and got a couple of stents in the LAD (Left Anterior Descending) artery. I am doing alright, BP is well controlled with meds. . .but as an RN, I know that over time, those arteries tend to recalcified and start to close. At some point, if I am lucky, I have a CABG ahead (Coronary Artery Bypass Graft) If not, I ah. . cash in my chips. Hopefully while I am asleep if I am lucky.
But enough of that news.

I mention this because as some of you know, we seemed to have lost one of our own, during the Covid period. They were a very profuse poster, and then suddenly went silent. That still bothers me.

We are supposed to be a community of like-minded subjects, and maybe we know one another’s first names, or assumed nom-de plumbs. . but I cannot say I know another cross-dresser in the Greater OKC area. That is sad, as we used to have a crossdressing support group in the pre transgender explosion days. It totally fell apart after that. And while I know there are some who would disagree, we are seeing the transgender element rapidly imploding. Enough on that, however.

So, once again, it is problematic that I, (and I suspect many of us) cannot "reach out and touch someone." As Ma Bell used to say.) There are some 1.4 to 1.5 million people in the greater OKC area, and I know not a single other person who is just a crossdresser. . . wow.

Just checking in and letting everyone know I am still around. It is a Saturday night, local time 23:24 and no one else is even on this site.

Regards all-

Good to hear from you Westley. I believe the current political environment has had some affect on how visible TGs and CDs are. But even before that, 20 years ago, I was chatting online in regional CDer groups. And CDers did not want to be known or get together in person for outings. I always tried to meet in public areas with a diverse cross section of people, like malls, other stores or museums. Many CDers seem skiddish. Many do not seem to even share their self with their spouse yet. Keep looking as CDers are out there.

Kimberlys CD

25 Mar 2026

Hey Kimberly,

Thanks for the reply. I have noticed the number of postings is down here, as are the numbers of new unique topics. Not a good sign. Of course, the last couple of times I was on, there was no one else on at that time either.

I certainly can acknowledge that times have changed, and maybe I carry a baby boomer centric view of crossdressing. . .I remember reading many posts in past years about older men who crossdressed but dared not tell their wives. Of course once the wife did discover the secret, a divorce was a certainty. Sad examples to be sure.

I would add that of all girlfriends and wives, only one ever had any objections. None of the wives did, and I made it a point to let them know about the time the relationship became intimate. But, by the same token, I wanted to meet others who shared the same "interest." Sadly, there was but a single avenue, Tri-ess, and it was fairly common in the 90's, but with the transgender fad becoming ascendant, many jumped ship and apparently decided to go that route. The OKC chapter, like most just died off. . I had attempted to keep up with one member who did go the TG route, but eventually he stopped answering his phone, and I have no clue what ever became of the person.

Oh well, I just moved my professional licensure to the Inactive Retired status, and am wondering how that whole thing will turn out! I guess I will see!

Regards,
Wesley