a question for SOs about telling my wife.

[Absaroka]

I was thinking I would ask the various wives here about this.

I've been thinking of telling my wife more about this. Briefly, when we had been married a year or so, about 20 years ago, I told her what there was to tell at the time, which wasn't much. That as a child I enjoyed dressing up in my mothers clothes and that later in life I sometimes enjoyed dressing up in my girlfriends clothes once in a while, including hers. She felt somewhat uncomfortable with this, caught between wondering if I was bi sexual since she knew a number of gay men who liked to do this, and also a feeling that this was basically boyish or childish behavior and she thought she had married a man not a boy. I am in some agreement with her about this last thought, although I phrase it more positively and call it playful.

Over the next few years she made it clear that she didn't really appreciate me wearing her stuff as I sometimes left skid marks on her panties and runs in her pantyhose. She also asked me a couple of times if I had been wearing her night gown and I said no (I lied)

But mostly I had told her the truth.

Fast forward about 15 years to a few years ago. For reasons that made sense but are long and complicated suddenly my playing dress up turned into an every day thing. Factors involved becoming self employed, the advent of the automatic cashiers making it easier to start buying my own stuff, and our family life transitioning (successfully) from having children to having teenagers and leaving a void somewhere for me. But I didn't tell her. We talk a bit at times. A couple of days ago I had no clean underwear so I borrowed a pair of hers. I told her after that I was happy to see that they now fit as this meant I have lost weight and she seemed to think this was cute. The conversation briefly turned to our diets and mutual efforts in this are and then comfortably moved on.

I have to ask myself why I want to tell her. There are two reasons, one being that I don't feel right about the deception. The other is fear of being caught, which of course is a bad way to expose the deception.

I've told two people in f2f, my sponsor in NA and my therapist. There are pther people I could tell but I feel that sharing this with a friend without telling her is a form of emotional infidelity.

I wear my clothes around the house when no one is home. Sometimes I go for short walks in the woods at night. I get excited about Halloween. I have spent much to much money on this, a couple thousand bucks worth of clothes over the last 4 years.

I don't feel I have an inner woman, I don't have a desire to go out in drag. I don't really want to involve her in this, it's a sort of private thing, and I sort of feel like I'd like to tell her that I do it and then tell her I don't really want talk about it much, just get the lie of ommision out of the way.

I expect she would find the idea of her participating in this in any way to be an imposition and I am fine with that. I'd be fine with treating this like a secret that only she and I know.

If I had to describe the feeling of being dressed up it would be that it feels like sitting by the fire on a cold night. A way of cuddling with myself. Or I have a bit of an imaginary friend.

Sometimes I think I should do this in little bits, like just letting her know that I wear her nightgown when she and the kids are away. She's already fine with us wearing each others socks and sweatshirts and probably wouldn't care if I told her this.

Any thoughts on this whole subject? Any particular mistakes to avoid? I've read the whole thread on telling your spouse and to be honest most of it is stuff I can't relate to.

It was suggested by my therapist that since telling her is tantamount to asking something of her ( her acceptance) that a good way to prepare the way is to just be more giving. More thoughtful, more doing the dishes and rubbing her feet, listening more, trying to be less annoying, taking out the garbage more often. I've been trying to do this.

THanks

Absaroka

[GalicianGirl(SO)]

Absaroka,

All I can say is that I think honesty is the best way to go. I don't think I would come right out and tell her everything at once but she at least needs to know how you feel. She might already have some idea that something is going on and just may be afraid to say anything.

From my experience with Shannon, the worst thing that could happen is getting caught. Your wife will have a hard time trusting you after that.

I wish you the best and hope everything works out for you ...

Hugs,
Sharon

[Absaroka]

Thanks Sharon,

I'm not entirely clear about what you mean by don't tell her everything at once but tell her how I feel. It's as much about my covert actions as how I feel.

On the other hand how I feel is there is something I like to do. I like it to be private. If I tell her she may have questions. Like how much do I do this. I don't think I should resort to lying in response to her questions. On the other hand I might want to say that there is some of this that I just don't want to talk about. That would be honest, although perhaps not very comfortable honesty.

I guess a lot of this comes down to control. I want to control how she will feel and think by controlling what I tell her (lying, by ommision if nothing else) rather than surrender control by offering to tell the ENTIRE truth if asked.

So here's another question for SOs, How would you feel if your man told you about this and then said "but some of this is stuff I don't really want to go into?"

Absaroka

[Michelle Miller]

Absaroka,

I still have issues explaining the "why" to my wife, and she's been with me for over a decade now. I don't think it's got anything to do with her though, as she's been more than patient with me through my ups & downs.

Sharon suggested the right track though, honesty, but not all at once. Some SO's might have issues with being overwhelmed though, so take it slowly.

[GalicianGirl(SO)]

I agree with you Michelle, don't make it too overwhelming... You need to slowly test the waters to see how she feels. Fill her in on the basics and not every little detail. In that respect you are being open and honest with her. In due time if she seems to be more accepting, slowly tell her a little more... It's like breaking her in gently but being careful so she doesn't freak out...

Hugs

[Absaroka]

What do I do if she says to me "tell me everything now!"

Absaroka

[Virginia]

HI Absaroka,

You have been here long enough to have seen many responses to your "dilemma." From flat out lying to pouring out your heart and the results have been just as far ranging. I am in no way making light of your situation, and I know that we can sit here and profundicate (is that a word?) any way, offer suggestions, but it comes down to your relationship with your SO and your family, knowing them well-enough to know how much that they can or will handle.

We who have had the "privilege" of being in your situation understand from whence you come and can only offer a myriad of recommendations and you have to pick and choose what will work in your situation.

Your interpretation of "everything" can be very different from your SO! She may have her suspicions but cannot or will not let herself go there in her own mind! Or perhaps she knows everything and just wants to hear it from you, or maybe she hasn't got a clue.

I know you will share with us as you tread this path not only because most of us care about you, but some of your sisters here may be starting or in the middle of such an experience and would like to see what you do to share your life.

We love you and support you in whatever your choices are!

Virginia

[Absaroka]

Thanks Virginia,

You're very right about having read of a great variety of reactions.

I'll be talking about this as well with the 2 people in f2f who know me and my wife, both people who's opinion I have a great deal of respect for. I don't really know what they will say but in the past they have leaned towards suggesting reticence.

I'll let everyone know.....