First Time In The Comfy Chair - What To Expect?

[Angie]

Hi, Latanya!

If you are confortable where you are in your exploration, then you are definitely where you need to be. Sometimes, at least in my experience, we have a tendency not to feel "real" or "genuine" (whatever those terms mean in relation to our selves), if we don't meet some external standard or behave/dress/act in a particular fashion. I've seen this in TG world where participants feel compelled to segregate each other into "one size fits all" boxes - CDer, Genderqueer, transsexual, etc, etc, etc. Categorizing is just human nature, I guess, but most people don't fit into one category very easily. That's what I'm finding out about myself, at least, but it has taken years to get to this point.

The bottom line is, as the old saw goes, just be yourself. If that's living as a male who happens to like female attire, go for it. Clothes don't make the man (or woman). Rather, we make ourselves. So, what you choose to wear only defines you to the extent that you want it to. True, society does judge based on external characteristics, but you are completely in control of how much you choose to subject yourself to the world's "microscope". Of course, there are certain societal conventions that, for safety's sake, are best adhered to - I would strongly recommend not wearing a nightie into a family restaurant , but jeans, shoes, nice top? Sure!

Again, wherever this journey takes you, if you're not comfortable there, you're in the wrong place. Changes will always be unsettling at first, but if they don't soon turn in a positive direction, it is not for you.

Take Care,
Angie

[Latanya]

i agree totally and i am now comfortable with myself!
my integrated mode make me realize that i am transgender fluid and keeps me comfortable!

[Angie]

Hi, Anita!

My thoughts have followed a similar path to those you described in your "Borderlands" post. I discussed with the doctor how tired I was of being "in the middle", particularly when going out into the world. When I lived in Annapolis, I became a "regular" at a number of coffee shops while studying/reading for classes. Most of the time, I presented as Angie, but there were times when the pace of life (work schedule, usually) did not allow time for a quick change and I went as my male self. While no one ever said anything negative, I just didn't like having to be one person one day and another person the next. Heaven knows, I'm not one to be a stickler for social convention, but I think it is only fair to those who I interact with on a daily basis that I present a consistent image/personality. In the "borderland", it is difficult to be consistent.

My SO told me something last night that fairly shocked me while I was speaking to her about the counseling session. She said that she had begun to prefer coming home to Angie instead of my male persona, as Angie seemed to be more in control of her emotions. Perhaps I won't be on the border forever, but I really need to get to the core of what this is all about before making any choices.

Take Care,
Angie

[Leeza]

Agie said

She said that she had begun to prefer coming home to Angie instead of my male persona,

I have had several friends say that Leeza is more fun to be with than my male persona.

Leeza

[Azurielle]

I, for one, have been afflicted by the worst case of early-onset curmudgeon disorder the north has ever seen. Theres just so much obsolescence here in the psychological services side it's made me jaded and sour.

[Anita]

I, for one, have been afflicted by the worst case of early-onset curmudgeon disorder the north has ever seen. Theres just so much obsolescence here in the psychological services side it's made me jaded and sour.

First of all, it's great to see you back on here again, Azurielle. Secondly, watch out for CM (curmudgeon disorder, of course). It's like using female hormones--if you keep doing them, they change you permanently. If you get into a curmudgeonly state of mind too often, it begins to leave tracks on your face. Some days, IF I had a lawn of my own, I'd be yelling out the window, "YOU KIDS KEEP OFF OF MY LAWN!" But see, I'm older than dirt, so I have the 'look' that goes with that kind of attitude. You don't want that, now, do you?

I'm sorry to hear that the Canadian health care system isn't working as well as it could. My conservative business partner takes shots at the Canadian system whenever he can. He figures we're just going to screw up health care the way that every other government program screws up, and he says that Canadians that can afford it cross the border and avoid the month-long waits do so whenever possible. I don't want to be monitoring this thread in Hot Topics, so I'll stop right there.

[Angie]

Hi, All!

It has been an interesting experience these past several weeks. Yesterday, I made my 5th visit to the comfy chair. Up to that point, the discussion ranged from childhood experiences, relationships, goals (which I have never been any good at defining), fear (what is holding me back) and gender. I've also spent a lot of time reading various self-help books that align with the topics discussed. I really wanted to know why I felt so undirected and easily distractible. It's not that I haven't managed a modicum of success in my life and profession, but I'd been increasingly feeling like something was missing. Meaning, perhaps. And I wasn't completely sure if my crossdressing/gender questions weren't a symptom of a deeper issue.

Yesterday's session was perhaps the most focused, with my psychiatrist doing most of the directing for the first time. She said I needed to quit overanalyzing my life and that I was using it as a means of avoiding the truth. "What truth?", I asked? She leaned forward and said, "You are a woman". "You mean I dress like a woman. I mean, I didn't play with Barbies as a kid. Yes, I was never good at sports and was bullied a fair amount in school because I was different, but I wasn't effeminate then. I have never felt major depression over being a woman in a man's body." I did feel good about myself as Angie, but I wasn't really unhappy as a male, either. She went on to explain that my reactions to things during our sessions told much more than my choice of whether or not to be Angie during the sessions.

Prior to this last session, gender had only been a footnote to the discussion. I was much more unhinged by her conclusion than I thought I would be. It's like receiving something in the mail that you expected, but are then unprepared for when it actually arrives.

She concluded by saying that I needed to accept this, but what comes next is the real question. I could chose to transition or do nothing at all - either would be appropriate. The main thing was to accept who I was inside. When she asked if I had considered HRT I said that I had, but that the health implications were substantial. And SRS was, let's face it, a one-way trip. She reiterated that my previous unwillingness to accept this was preventing me from giving all possibilities (including doing nothing) a fair reading.

I finally asked, "Why am I like this?". "I firmly believe that you were born this way", she replied. "You could read 100 books and get 100 answers. Why are people schizophrenic? They are born with a brain that tends towards that behavior. You were born with a brain that more closely identifies with being a woman. You could have been close to your mother or your mother could have been cold and distant. It wouldn't have made any difference. You need to stop using self-help books as an excuse and read something simply for fun."

I can't say that I'm ready to give up my own research, but having an objective opinion about this certainly colors my reading. My psychiatrist is well-versed on gender issues, but does not focus exclusively on them. In fact, she seemed reluctant to drill into the subject prior to yesterday, preferring that I "spill my guts" over four sessions. Now, I find myself wondering if I need a second opinion. I would have thought that such a discovery would have had me dancing on the tables, but now, I'm not so sure.

All things considered, I'm in pretty good spirits, but I do feel a lot different than I did this time yesterday.

Take Care,
Angie

[Anthony Simon]

She said I needed to quit overanalyzing my life and that I was using it as a means of avoiding the truth. "What truth?", I asked? She leaned forward and said, "You are a woman".
<snip>
Prior to this last session, gender had only been a footnote to the discussion. I was much more unhinged by her conclusion than I thought I would be. It's like receiving something in the mail that you expected, but are then unprepared for when it actually arrives.

This sounds like you're in a kind of comparable position to the SO of a CD when the CD comes out to her - shocked. If that were so, basically, you'd have to take time to process the information, You probably don't want a second opinion, because all that would do is add more complications and stuff to digest. It could also easily function as a kind of evasion - a delaying tactic.

When your therapist says:

... You need to stop using self-help books as an excuse and read something simply for fun.

That seems like pretty good advice. Kind of stop actively filling your brain and let it go into decision-making mode. Also, if you’re a woman, instinct rather than analysis might prove better at finding the truth.

[Latanya]

the first in the process is acceptance of what u are
with my therapist i came to realize i am male with a fem side
the term she uses is transgender fluid
so for me which sounds a bit like u transitioning would not accomplish much! it would just reverse the balance!
u would be female with a male side. the trick is to learn ur comfort zone and go with it which is the process i am doing.
its a slow process but as u realize ur true self it gets easier

[Anita]

Yesterday's session was perhaps the most focused, with my psychiatrist doing most of the directing for the first time. She said I needed to quit overanalyzing my life and that I was using it as a means of avoiding the truth. "What truth?", I asked? She leaned forward and said, "You are a woman".

This makes me a little uneasy, Angie. Like so-called 'activist judges,' I wonder if she's overstepping her bounds here. I remember vividly the experience of one of our former members. After four or five sessions, say, the therapist asked her, out of the blue: "Do you want to be a woman?" And our forum member said "Yes!" and broke down and cried. Then she went on to transition. But as emotional as that revelation was, the therapist did not steer it. She merely asked a question. Now, I'm not saying there's not truth in your psychiatrist's statement. There may well be a lot of truth in it, and it sounds like you recognize that there is. But I hope she backs off a bit and lets you do the exploring.

[Angie]

Hi, Anita!

It made me uneasy, too, but more from the sense that this was a big pill to swallow. I'm seeking truth, not validation of what I think should be the truth. Even that statement is not accurate, as I visited my psychiatrist the first time because I wasn't sure of what I thought SHOULD be the truth. Yeah...I am quite mixed up.

One of the more humorous moments in our conversation came towards the end of the session when she suggested that I read more things just for fun, rather than self-analysis. I told her I was reading "Fifty Shades Of Grey" out of curiosity and found it to be poorly written. She said that a lot of her clients were reading it, though she couldn't figure out quite what that said about them or the populace at large who've embraced it. I replied that "it means that there are a lot of repressed people in the world." She looked over her glasses and said, "And you aren't, honey?". We shared a laugh over that.

Having had several days to turn this around in my head, I've concluded that her initial reticence to bring gender into the discussion was her way of letting me steer the conversation. Most of the preceding four sessions surrounded my childhood, relationships, and my Jill-Of-All-Trades flurry of interests (friends describe me as "intellectually curious", rather than ADHD - LOL!). My psychiatrist says I've developed solid coping mechanisms for most things and that there is not really much I need to do except quit running away from a few internal conflicts. They are not ones that are strong enough to be disabling, just unsettling. If gender choice is indeed one (or the main) conflict, then the best thing I think I can do is travel down this road for awhile and see where it leads.

Since I work from home and my manager is aware and accepting of me, as are friends and the general population (it seems), I'm going to be "myself" for a while. Not transwoman...just woman. If it makes me happier, then I'll know this is who I am. As Anthony pointed out, instinct rather than analysis will probably be my best ally. It will also tell me if I've just shifted the imbalance, as Latanya indicated might happen.

I do intend to dig deeper into my doctor's determination at our next meeting. The question is still alive.

Take Care,
Angie

[Anita]

Hi Hon--
It sounds like you're on top of this, Angie. I was happy to hear that:

Since I work from home and my manager is aware and accepting of me, as are friends and the general population (it seems), I'm going to be "myself" for a while. Not transwoman...just woman. If it makes me happier, then I'll know this is who I am

You're not going to have to go out on a limb to test the waters. That is a very comfortable situation, or at least it's as comfortable as an emotional question like this can be. Your post is stirring up some transition ideas in me. As I've read before, gender differences just aren't as important as men and women move into old age, and I'm sensing that. I'm not unhappy as I am now. I find myself being more open-hearted these days, though, and it's just a natural progression for me to start acting more like a woman at those times. I don't know that I want to dress like one right now--it's too much work for me. Electrolysis would help that, but that's not in the cards at the moment.

Anyway, it's great to hear about your progression into womanhood at this time.