Sometimes it is the little things..

[Alexia]

For over four years now, I've mostly been focused on buying and wearing all kinds of women's clothes.
I had a wig, but threw it out as it was too fake, itchy and I was worried the synthetic hair would get everywhere and cause me to be found out if someone came over or something.
I've never been outside dressed as a girl or tried to put on make-up.

A few weeks ago, for the first time ever, I trusted one close friend of mine with this secret and he was, as I had fully expected, very supportive.
This was while abroad on holiday and a day or so later, I dared to buy some hair bands and hair ties in an actual physical store and at least look at some women's items like belts in clothing stores as I was looking for a particular kind that I have been unable to find so far, a belt with a heart-shaped buckle.
It was pretty easy as no one knew me there, or even spoke my language for that matter, so there was really no worry of being found out.
Even if they had, the opinion of random Joe McStranger wouldn't have mattered to me much.
It was all kind of liberating to act upon those impulses for once.
I also think this made it more real to me.
Now that it is at least someone who knows me in real life who knows about this and now that I have bought items like this in normal shops, instead of the odd lingerie or toy in an adult store where basically everyone is guilty of something, I think I've crossed a certain line, that makes it a bit easier to go further, even if carefully.
There are a lot of things going on in my life right now and I guess I've decided this is yet another thing that I need to figure out, which is one reason I am here on this forum.

One of the first things I bought as I got back home was lipstick and I love it.
It even smells nice and I'd wear it more if I wasn't afraid I might have trouble getting all of it off in time for work.

The past week, I've not only bought yet more clothes online, I am expecting a few more parcels tomorrow, but I've also went shopping for hair clips, a brush, new shampoo and things like that.
Twice now, I've bought stuff at my local supermarket.
Today, the second time, it was pretty easy.
I've realised no one knows me here, so no one can out me anyway.
I really like the hair ties I've bought.
They are small things and so far I have no use for them, but..
I just love them.
I love long hair on women and have seen them with hair ties so often, I really regard it as a women's fashion accessory.
For some reason, they come off a lot and I've seen them everywhere, on the floor at work, on the ground while on my way home.
Just about every time I've seen one, for at least a few years, I've been wanting to pick them up, just to have one.
Now I have a whole arsenal of them and they cost next to nothing.
I love having them.
Today I also even bought a pink toothbrush.
The other day I walked into my kitchen en femme, most of it hidden by a housecoat, but still wearing a large hairclip and high heels and everything.
That hair clip felt incredibly nice as it tugged a bit on my hair while making dinner.
All those small things combined really give my habit a whole other dimension.

I'm actually considering my next moves, like buying makeup and experimenting with it, letting my hair grow longer, maybe getting a new, better wig in the mean time, getting proper breast forms, maybe even expensive ones, buying a ladyshave to help with all that body hair, getting a coat or two in case I decide I do want to go outside en femme, or at least to see what that is like, getting women's glasses or at least unisex as that'd be a bit easier to do.. I think I'll just get new lenses for my glasses and one new pair that is either women's glasses or unisex and close enough to what I really want as not to matter.
I've basically ignored everything below my neck so far, not even done much about my body hair, but it appears that is about to change.
I am really enjoying thinking about all the other new things that I could try.
It also makes me realize that there are so many more opportunities, if I want to.

I think I'm giving myself a year to figure this out a bit more.
If I do grow out my hair, which I probably will unless it really starts to look bad or something, that'll take at least a year or so.
I want to figure out how far I am willing to go.
Do I want to make this public, or not?
That is the first big question, I think.
The second will be to find out my feelings go further than just dressing like a girl.
Until very recently I thought the answer to that was pretty clear, but I want to be absolutely certain.

Someone said halloween is an ideal reason to dress up.
That is beginning to sound like an idea to me.
Or I could just dress up in front of a friend or something, just to test the waters.
Or maybe both.

If I want to, I can probably come out at work.
That'll be both the easiest and the hardest thing.
On the one hand, I work at a place that, among other things, supports the LGTB community.
On the other hand, several of my male coworkers have repeatedly used gay as an insult.
While I am still pretty certain I am straight or at most a little bi-curious, it makes me wonder what they would think if they knew about this side of me.
I think they might act different if actually dealing with someone in person, but still.
I probably don't want to go that far, but on the other hand, my employer would basically be forced to support me if I did, considering what kind of business we're in.
Even my parents might probably be supportive.
The problem is, once you do something like that, there is no going back and you have to accept any fallout.
I do not want to take a decision like that without thinking it through and really understanding what my wants and needs are.

First, I need to figure out what this means to me.
It is more than a fetish, I know as much by now.
I am starting to see some things that happened in the past in a whole new light, like my jealousy of women with long hair.
Maybe I never took this side of me seriously enough, even the past few years.
Maybe I repressed it because I thought I could never be as beautiful as I would want to.
But unless I know what it all means, I won't know what to do about it.

Funny how little things can make such a huge difference.
Anyone else gone gaga over small items as hair clips or makeup or things like that?

[DonnaT]

Once you stop fighting it, and become more accepting of yourself, a whole new outlook occurs.

Be careful of the flip-side though. Known as the pink fog. One can get carried away with the new purchases, etc., to whee it becomes an obsession overruling other aspects of one's life.

Keep things real and on an equilibrium.

[Virginia]

What Donna said!!!! The big struggle is finding a balance!!

Virginia

[Kelly]

Hi Alexia,

To answer your question: No, I haven't gone gaga over small items. But that doesn't matter. I share, I think, the same set of feelings your post represents.

Sometimes they are relaxing, exhilarating, liberating. Sometimes confusing, frustrating. You are giving yourself wise counsel to give yourself a year to try to figure it all out. I hope you can do it in a year; for me I might have understood a few things better, but I don't think I figured much of anything out.

It is all about the journey and each journey starts with a first step. You have told us about a lot of firsts. Your first confident, your first guilt free shopping experience, your first realization that your casual encounters close to home don't notice, don't care, and especially don't judge what you are doing. Though these are literal first steps, they are symbolic of the first step in your epic journey. [And no, it is not the first step on the path to the dark side ].

My own journey took me through the deep valley of the pink fog (the same one Donna mentioned). When I was descending into the valley it was marvelous. But while in the depths of the valley I was filled with angst and feared I was lost; I dropped so many real world balls that I am still recovering. Don't go there. Maintain your balance.

Your resolve to be patient is a good thing. As you hear here so often, take baby steps. Think hard, as you are doing, about each bridge you cross; because they really are one way bridges and they do extract a toll. But it might be worth it.

Keep talking here; that what the haven is about - supporting one another. Talk, if you can find someone, face to face.

And most of all, enjoy the journey.

Smile each time you see your collection of hair ties. From now on when I see one I'll think of you and smile too.

Kelly

[Alexia]

Thanks for all the kind comments!

Pink fog? I might be there already..

The past few days have been mindblowing.
Now that I've been forced, or rather, liberated enough to accept that crossdressing is a very real part of me, my viewpoint has changed drastically in a very short time.
But how else do I explain the massive collection of women's fashion, one that I'm sure many a real GG would be jealous of?
Not all frilly panties and things like that, but rather more sensible tops, many different colours of pants, now a huge amount of skirts and dresses.
I couldn't pass for a woman if my life depended on it, but I could clothe a small army of women if I need to.
Provided they were towering giants, or rather, amazon women, but that is a whole different matter.

I actually had to stop myself today.
There was a discount on items that were already on sale.
Un-fraking-believable!
Seriously, how dare they do this?
I'm glad I still have some self control, otherwise I'd have spent the amount of money I'd kept aside to pay my bills until my next paycheck.
One item I really wanted was a coat, so I'd have one if I do decide to go outside en femme.
I'm fortunate in having a good salary, but right now, I'm all out of reserves and I've been smart for a few years and kept a decent sized amount of money saved, for emergencies that never came.
I started tapping into it a while ago, mostly to buy women's clothes, but now that reserve is pretty much gone.
The clothes are great, often beautiful and I love them, but so much more expensive than men's clothes, even when I mostly buy stuff at discounts.
I probably have the self control to wait a while before purchasing more stuff, but I came pretty close to my limits here.

As for my viewpoint having changed..
I've realised that I feel that I shouldn't be held back by what other people think.
If I do no harm by crossdressing, then why should it bother me what other people think about it?
For that matter, should I decide to go further and get HRT or even surgery, what does it matter what other people think about it?
I saw pictures of a MTF transformation and they were wonderful.
My immediate reaction was to almost cry, thinking: "I want that."
First reactions are often the most honest.
I can't just explain that away and need to think that over.
If I can look half as pretty and convincing as her, then I think I really want it and that it would be well worth the trouble.
Somehow it never occurred to me that, with the current state of medicine, how I look is pretty much a choice.
The feeling that, if I want to change, I can, is empowering.
Of course, it is not just that simple.
But I feel happier than I've been in a long time, maybe just because I stopped worrying too much about crossdressing and accepted it as a part of me, maybe because of all the opportunities that it provides.

I looked into HRT and two things struck me.
The first thing was, that most of the effects of HRT, except the possible side effects of course, sounded very desirable to me.
To grow breasts, get a more feminine face, rounder buttocks, a more slender waist, all of it, I want.
The second was, when I read a list of requirements you need to meet to qualify for HRT, I basically felt I ticked almost all the boxes, after crpssdressing for almost five years..

I am so darned jealous of women and their long hair, beautiful skin, the clothes they get to wear.
I have to be honest with myself, that is what I want to look like myself.
I want to be beautiful.
I'm starting to think I really do want at least HRT.
The only thing that I think, right now, would hold me back will be the matter of whether I'd be able to pass afterwards.
If not, then I'd be stuck in a no man's land, no pun intended, attracting ridicule for no good reason and probably feeling thorougly unhappy.
But the pictures I've looked up of older MTF transsexuals are rather encouraging.
The end result for me might not be nearly as good as for younger transsexuals, but still.
Another thing would be the response of my parents who, despite their faults, I really love, as I am not perfect either, but I think they would be supportive.
Probably supportive in a way that would irk me, as I doubt they would fully understand, but supportive nonetheless.

If this is the 'pink fog' then at least I am smart or rational enough to realise the enormity of this.
This is a huge, life changing decision, that I can't decide over night and in the mean time, I need to respect my financial limits.
I've since calmed down a little and realised, I can do this in my own time, there is no hurry.
But as I've said elsewhere on this forum earlier, if I could have long hair and breasts, that might be enough for me.
Surgery especially seems scary and as I said elsewhere, I am pretty literally attached to my male genitalia, although I have kind of a love-hate relationship with them.
My immediate family, friends and at work might be supportive.
But how the rest of the world will respond would be a different matter and I am very aware of that.
I do not want to become a statistic.
But I don't want to make this decision based on fear either.
In fact, it really makes me mad to have to take things like that into account, while this should be about my life and my happiness.
I would give almost anything just to be happy for a while, a few years, never mind the rest of my life.

I really wonder how this came about.
Why now?
Why not much earlier, like when I crossdressed in high school?
Have I been so blind?
I am thinking that I may just have been going through the motions of being a man.
Maybe I've just accepted that I was born this way and tried to make the best of it.
Maybe I've been hiding this from myself for a very long time, trying to fit the image of a 'normal' male, while being anything but.
I've never liked looking in a mirror, maybe that makes a bit more sense now.
Maybe it is precisely because I don't like what I see in the mirror that I lack confidence in myself.
Perhaps that in turn explains why all my attempts to start a relationship with someone have always immediately exploded in my face.
It might explain why I've been coasting along for years, been depressed for quite a long period of my life, contemplated suicide in high school, if only briefly and not very seriously, why I feel at best okay now that I'm an adult and can do whatever the heck I want any time that I want.
And why I've decided to spend a lot of my time and money trying to look like a woman.
Or maybe I am waaay overthinking this and it is only logical I don't find myself attractive because I am a heterosexual man who only likes women.
Maybe I just feel better in women's clothes because they are more comfortable.
Or maybe there is something in between.

One thing is for sure.
I need to figure out if crossdressing is enough, although maybe occasionally I may want to go outside en femme, or that I actually want to change who I am.
I think I realise now that I want this, that I want HRT, that it feels right, but I need to decide how badly I want it, if I want it enough to accept all the negative sides as well.\
It is a huge decision.
But being a male has never really worked out for me either, so I need to take that into account as well, on both sides of the equation.
It may bias me towards one decision, but it may also be the reason I may decide to go through with this.

Don't worry about me, I've decided to go see a therapist.
I have a lot of things going on in my life and with this on top, wow, I need to talk to a professional.
This is something I can't do alone.
I think I'll tell a few more of my friends as well, although it might still be a bit early for that.

Thank you all for bearing with me and for giving me a save place to write all this down and allow me to think this all through and put it out there.
It makes it so much more real.
Just being able to talk about this, anonymously, with people who are in the same boat, is liberating.
It is helping me a lot.

[Kelly]

Hello again Alexia,

Yep, sounds like your life is getting foggy. Don't let it overwhelm you. If you really are exhausting your rainy day funds, I worry about you. Please be careful.

I appreciate you writing your thoughts here, and am hopeful the act of laying it all on the line helps you sort things out. Keep writing.

You are right, what makes you happy is all that really matters.

Now for some tough love. If you haven't gone out in the world en femme, then talking about HRT (or any other sort of transitioning) is putting the cart waaaaay before the horse. The beautiful, post transition, women you see is a select subset. There are plenty of disappointed gals in the "all I need are hormones and I will be pretty" camp; you won't find their pictures on the internet. My daughter says beauty is hard work. It is. She is naturally striking (lucky girl) but still puts a lot of effort into looking good. I have to put in 10+ times as much effort and obtain 1/100th- the results. Now, think about that on a daily basis.

Here are some things I really think you should be doing real soon:

1) Find a therapist that specializes in gender issues and book some time. Don't do internet shopping, look for and vet a professional. Don't buy more cloths, pay the shrink.

2) Find a local support group and start going to meetings. These are hard to find; persistence pays off, keep looking. Or they might be at a distance away you don't normally, join anyway and attend the sessions. Get a feeling for the life and satisfaction your peers are experiencing.

3) Go out into the world en femme. The first time (or maybe the second or third) use some training wheels and engage a makeover service that not only helps with the makeup and fashion choices, but actually helps you on an outing (I did and am glad I did). Yes, these services do cost money; stop shopping and save it up. Don't imagine what it is like to encounter the world as a girl, do it. Besides, until you have done this - and done it a lot - no medical professional will help you in any transitioning path you may desire.

4) This is extreme and may not be doable. Take a multiple month (3+?) leave of absence from work go to a neighboring town and try to live full time. Sounds like you have the wardrobe for it. Try to get a job. Get a glimpse of what life might be like. Full disclosure: This is a fantasy that occurs to me occasionally. When I think hard about it, I don't realistically think that I could survive two weeks. But that's me, your analysis about you may be different.

OK, I have perhaps been a bit blunt. That was by design. I hope you are still reading and contemplating.

Alexia, what really is the most import thing is your happiness. And, yes, your pink fog riddled prose reads all the world like a girl whose body didn't get the memo. That may very well be the case; but, then, it might not. Only you can figure that out.

Nobody in the haven will, or should, give you permission to start on a HRT regimen. We can talk about or own personal pro/con situations. Your situation is unique to you. Keep organizing your thoughts by posting here. I hope and pray that the path you chose is chosen thoughtfully and will lead to more joy than remorse.

Kelly.

[Alexia]

Thanks Kelly!

I fully understand that it is way too soon and way too sudden to make huge decisions like this or even really contemplate them.

But the more I read about it and watch videos online of people who have gone through this, the more I recognize in myself.
I really wonder, if I tell my closest friends, if they will be that surprised.

The core question is: do I really, really want this and if so, do I want this bad enough to accept all the bad things that will come with any perceived good?
I am very well aware that this is not a route that is all flowers and fluffy clouds.

But I do feel quite different now than I did even a few days ago.

I think that, at least, I've finally accepted that I like crossdressing and that there is nothing bad about it, so there is no need for me to feel bad about it.
That alone makes me feel better about myself.
I may still want to hide it, because it is still very much not accepted, but that is just because other people are stupid and ignorant and not because it is a bad thing to do.

At most, I may have finally found what has been bothering me for a very, very long time.
I've rarely felt happy in my life, not since I was a child anyway.
I've gone through periods of depression, sometimes pretty serious.
Right now, I feel happier than I've been for a very long time.
Because now, at least, I can find out what I want and make a decision.
If, eventually, I decide to crossdress fulltime, get HRT or more, it will be my decision.
If I decide to stay the way that I am, it will also be my decision and that may also help me to feel better with myself.
My fate is my own to decide.

So yes, I need to get some perspective and yes, I will need help with this.

Don't worry, I won't do anything hasty and I won't spend myself into the poor house.
I've got a steady job, with a decent income, I'll have some reserves again in a month, or two at most.
That is the whole reason I've allowed it to come this far, I know I can save some money easily if I want to.
I have no regrets over spending my rainy day fund though, doing so has helped me through some tough times and helped me realise that this is more than just a fetish.
I can be very thrifty if need be and right now, I am withstanding the urge to take advantage of that extra discount on sale items.
It is not in my long term interest to do so and I usually do take the long view.
Maybe it will also be easier because in a way, I have nothing to prove to myself any more.
I can accept what I am and what I want to be, just need to figure out how far that goes.
It is much more complicated than I put it, but I've persevered through a lot of bad things and I will get through this as well, even when it does get tough.
And it will, especially if I go that route, I understand that, I have no illusions about that.

Your words about, how you only see the success stories, sound very true.
So many times I've looked into the mirror, dressed as a girl, and only briefly looked at my face or not looked at it at all, in fact I don't even like looking at it while en drab.
Because it didn't match the rest of me, the illusion of being a woman was immediately destroyed.
I've been wondering if anything could be done to make my face more feminine, or at least get rid of my facial hair for long enough to look right.
If a wig and better fake breasts, make-up would help me look more convincing.
If I can't pass, ever, then what would be the point and why would I take the risk, including feeling even worse about myself?
If I can, then maybe I will, but only if I feel strongly enough about it, otherwise I'll just have to accept what I was born with.

I've got a lot to think about.

Thanks for caring.

[Kelly]

I'm so glad you took my comments in the spirit I intended. I fretted a bit today thinking that I may have been too harsh (I'll do that).

Your back story resonates a lot with my own: A moment of realization, self acceptance, followed by (for lack of better term) euphoria. But the euphoria will wear off and anything you do in that state is hard to undo.

But I am happy to see your core question:

The core question is: do I really, really want this and if so, do I want this bad enough to accept all the bad things that will come with any perceived good?
I am very well aware that this is not a route that is all flowers and fluffy clouds.

You have the right perspective.

Now about the 'looks' thing. I have a skeleton only a fullback could love and a mug that is only acceptable in Sgt. Fury's howling commandos. I HAVE been able to go out en femme and feel like I passed - or was at least ignored. And feeling like you pass is all that really matters since you don't know what people are really perceiving.

Now, I'll never be a candidate for the cover of Vogue (not without some serious photoshoping anyway), but I have settled that in my mind. After all if every one could reach that level, there wouldn't be a need for cover girls.

Interestingly, for the longest time when looking the mirror I didn't look higher than my shoulders - my face just killed the effect. In time I got over it.

Keep sharing your thoughts. By the way; I did see a hair tie thingy today and I did smile.

Kelly.

[Melissa Mac]

I think most of us hsve been drawn in by the "Pink Fog" at one time or another. I know I go in cycles of it and although the idea of going full time has crossed my mind a few times I am not sure that is the life for me, although my BF might disagree with that one .

I do agree with Alexis that sometimes it is the little things that bring me great pleasure. It can be as simple as walking down the cosmetics aisle and thinking how would that new shade of pink lipstick would look on me or perusing the ads in the Sunday paper and seeing your favorite bra is on sale.

The longest I have ever done totally en femme is 2 1/2 weeks and thoroughly enjoyed it but for girls like us it is hard work. With waist cinchers, breastforms (even attachable ones), padded panties, etc. it is not the same as being a GG. I do fantasize what it would be like to have my own breasts in my bra though.

[Trudy]

Yes it is the little things that make life exciting regardless of gender. To me just the simple act of a gentleman holding a door for me or a stranger ma-aming me can send chills up my spine even today after close to 30 plus years of being "out". Enjoy the simple!e of pleasures of being a girl Alexia it makes it so much more fun.

[Alexia]

Interestingly, for the longest time when looking the mirror I didn't look higher than my shoulders - my face just killed the effect. In time I got over it.

I'm growing my hair longer now
I'm not sure it is longer than it's been in the past, I've put off going to hairdressers for too long often enough in the past.
Which might have been a clue if I'd been able to see it then.
But today I looked in the mirror, my hair unkempt, and I actually saw a sliver of the image that I think I'd like to see there.
Something about the hair standing out on the side made it look a bit more womanly.
Of course, seeing my facial hair kind of killed it, so I took the trouble of shaving, on a weekend.

I've also bought my first make-up set.
It is not very good, I think, but a good place to start, to experiment with.
I also bought some facial wipes, to help take off the make-up quickly and thoroughly, if needed.
Those seem to work fine.

I really have a lot of thinking to do and I am doing that.
I'll be careful, don't worry, won't make hasty decisions, I'm just not that kind of person.

But I wonder, if in time, if I like what I see in the mirror, if that alone wouldn't be reason enough to go further.
I never really paid much attention to it, but not liking to see yourself in the mirror, or a picture of yourself, that is not a good sign, is it?\
I like who I am, I just really don't like the way I look.
Not hate, I think I look okay-ish, for a guy.
But not like.

But this will be a decision I need to be able to live with for the rest of my life.
I'll take my time.

[Alexia]

My hair is still a bit longer now, by now I am pretty sure it is longer than it has ever been.
I just looked into the mirror.
It is starting to look okay.
Just a bit longer and I will be able to tie all or most of it back and it will look a bit more normal, both in male and female mode.
Ever since my hair started to do that wavy thing, sometime in high school, I've hated it and struggled with letting it grow so long it became unsightly and then had it cut rigorously.
This is the first time I actually kind of like my hair.
Too bad my facial hair is still an issue.

I mentioned wanting HRT earlier, but I think I've more or less decided that I don't want to do the whole thing, maybe not even really talk to a professional about it, because then it is out there, in a file somewhere and from then, you can't go back.
Here at least it is completely anonymous.
I don't think I have the strength to go through all of that, I don't even have the confidence to cross dress unless I am at least reasonably sure no one can see me.
Nor do I think that I want it badly enough, that I really feel like I am a woman, I know far too well I am not, I can't really separate the physical shape from the mental part.
I also don't think it'll help me in the long run, that I will just end up disappointed and so on.
But at the same time, it saddens me, I kind of wish I could, wish there weren't all these negative reasons not to.
But I have to be realistic about it and I'm hoping I'll be able to find a middle ground I am comfortable with.