"Well are you happy like that?"

[Anne Bonny]

A while back a nurse practitioner here to do the recertification on my wife's hospice asked me just that question and I responded "Yes." I think last week I was talking about how happy I am... see "so happy I cannot contain myself thread I posted on the 22nd of march and it captures exactly what I am feeling this very moment. I posted on "Fun stuff to do en femm" under I enjoy Jogging a post I made just a little while ago about being able to run en femm. and now here I am having put on a dress pantyhose my prostheic forms after hooking my bra behind my back just as any woman does every day. I put on my make up and ear rings and fixed my hair, and that feeling is right there. It is an amazing happy inner glow just as I had stated. Oh on FB I took the Playbiz quiz on "What kind of wife are you?" I am an Independent wife. I believe as I live the rest of my life moving over when Anne is there as right now just to enjoy being ... my feminine self... and to be able to grow as a woman and to live openly here and there when Anne moves in... sounds like I am aquating this to being possessed but I am not. All I am saying is that my gender moves over because I am gender fluid and when that happens a light comes on as I move over into Anne. Don't really know that I can say I am moving over into Anne from George. It is more as if suddenly the senses just turn feminine with my desires and ... I am currently just Anne because that is who I am, it is my feminine name. It is very real. I am Anne in sensibilities but my personality is fixed...my voice and my deportment and mannerisms are what they always are because I am physically a male, were I to have surgery I doubt any of that would change even were I infused full of estrogen I doubt it would change that core part of me. I just feel different, wonderful, happy, perhaps more sensitive...I don't know perhaps how I carry myself is somewhat softer but I doubt it, my voice is just the same deep male voice though I would not probably act as boisterously or boom my voice out there...can't really say that because my core has not changed at all...I am just sensing "girl" Who can explain any of this. It is a very real thing. But the answer to the question "Well...are you happy like that?" Is absolutely a "yes" a thousand times over. I think It is because Anne has been suppressed my entire life but now she is free and for the very first time in my life I am able to be who I really am ...I do flow in both directions..I am gender fluid...but I am able to openly be my feminine self when it comes over me and I could die happier than I have ever been about who I am in my whole life. Gosh it is so wrong to force boys to suppress a femininity if they have it it is outrageously wrong to do this but I cannot change the past I have the present and the future and I am not looking back anymore. You go girl! All of you be who you are...come to terms with it accept it and simply be who you are and you will I believe find the glowing inner joy and happiness there...it is amazing.

[Wendae]

I wait in anticipation for the day you can go 24/7 and start HRT. I think you are over denying your real self. I don't think I will ever be able to but a girl can wish!

[Anne Bonny]

What I am saying is that I am there...well sure if family come who I want in my life but who I know would not accept that part of who I am then for the time they are here I can hide that and be masculine. Estrogen? Well, for myself I believe it would be a stretch, certainly surgery is out because I go back and forth and I am primarily a heterosexual male...Estrogen might threaten that with perhaps "shrinkage" or some withering?? perhaps impotence? or a lot of difficulty achieving an erection. It might also change my libido ... so I do not see that but piercing my ears!? I am all over that!

I am able now to "Fire as she bears!..." or dress freely every day however I please and I am now living that dream.

There is room for growth...but right now I am going jogging...In women's running shorts, t shirt, sport's bra, panties, cap, make up, ankle socks and running shoes...later

[Paulette]

Happy for you!

At my age libido is beginning to go, so HRT promises new horizons, or at least a different type of sexual experience (longer and sometimes multiple and whole body orgasms). Also, fat redistribution, body hair lightening, & some prostate protection. Muscles will need gym work to keep firm. Testes shrinkage, yes, but that has little to do with libido, I think.

I'm looking forward to it, even if I have to eventually use some chestal binding.

I do believe that the more one dresses, the more one will want to dress. But that doesn't seem to be a problem for you.

Good luck!

[Wendae]

Glad you are there Hon! Wish I could say that!

[Anne Bonny]

Hum...earlier ... well I have been getting ready for the 4 hour visit by the MIL and my wife's friend on Thursday...also on Wednesday my son's fiancee's mother wants to go out to meet me the father is off working driving a truck (retired policeman...2nd career) so off with nail polish, putting feminine things away or washing them to be folded and put away, clear the cosmetic bag off the vanity...put shoes back in a dark corner of my closet...

Oh and later this month my sisters will be in town April 22 and 23rd for my son's wedding so I am stressed about my hair length...don't want to cut it but week prior may go in for a trim rather than waiting until early June...Hide everything...it has me aggravated a little angry what a flog...

anyway taxes being done....more stress...

So anyway I was feeling fairly seated in my masculine self and was going to come on here and state...more or less..."See" I do go back and forth...and I do but then...working with my wife something inside kind of just said...you go put on a dress and so here I am...en femm... hum....

I wiped out the dating profile and removed the femm pic...same as my avitar here...no bites anyway...I figure the women on dating sites are there for one reason only...a traditional man...so oh well...

So is the motivation more in the realm of having myself say to myself...hey ...hey what!? hum...kind of don't deny who you are...dress!

So I can see your point. If I am not out to everybody in the world in your view I am still hiding who I am...but I do not see it that way if there are people like an older sister who I would not like to be shunned and rejected by then that is a personal choice. I believe there is a balance. The consequences of that are I can not out myself on FB because all the Nieces and niece in laws, and nephews and nephew in laws all of whom I have not seen in over 5 years other than in photos on FB then the impact is otherwise minimal on my daily life. That one sister I have not seen in 5 years either. They all live hundreds of miles away. As for my Wife's family...once her mother dies and my wife dies...I no longer care if her family finds out because there are no longer any formal relations with myself. My boys may see them but they are not related to me and they live about 80 miles from here so I have not seen them in about 4-5 years.

The other thought is perhaps I am not 60/40 but 50/50...or perhaps it is really working out more to be 40/60 fem to masculine?

Or...is denial because you do not believe a gender fluid male can really be heterosexual? All I can say is I have never been with another male and the thought makes my skin crawl, getting physical em...

I believe I am about as "there" in my way of thinking which includes a rational reasonable approach, as I can be.

[Nicci]

Hi Anne, Hope you are enjoying a "Happy " day...I certainly am.
Dressed skirt "casual", and working in the home office, getting things done. Started my day watching the Sun come up over the water with Eagles and Osprey silently gliding in flight as the day opened. Was thinking about you.

I'm pretty much in the same "realm" right now, but with much more independence, without being governed by family, friends etc and the anxieties accompanying the requirement to hide the woman in you, in plain sight. My freedom to express myself "en femme" without looking over my shoulder at home, fosters my creative expression as a woman. I dress more often, and am enjoying a new-found pleasure in the creative side of this, as well as the touch, feel and look that accompanies my psyche. I'm shifting into "red head" mode pretty easily now...probably a permanent thing, since I enjoy the "look" and the shift in personality that seems to follow me around in result. Make -up tones, eyes etc are changing in result too. I'm putting the HRT on hold for now, attending the cosmetics first, LASER hair removal, "femme face lift" and related psych counseling. My "shrink" is thrilled...probably thinks I'm going to finance a new Ferrari to fit in his garage. Prepare to be disappointed Doc.

Can't help but chuckle every time I see your "name" on the Forum. Are you a "Pirate" at heart or a"Wench" walking the plank, betwixt and between. I'm definitely the Wench at my house, ( and getting pretty good at it) with a long-established , coldly dispassionate Piratical heart ( ask my staff and business competitors). My wife says "Tigers can hide well, but don't lose their stripes". Amen. The "walk" is well improved, but the voice is slow in responding to my ministrations. In my businesses I travel the Caribbean extensively, and have been since 1998, with Jamaica my largest and principal office. Thought you might enjoy a book " about you", Anne Bonney titled : Pirate Spirit, written by Jeffery Williams ( a historian) as a novel about her. Some literary license is taken since her life was only chronicled with any definition for about three years , until she was captured, tried and convicted of Piracy, with her hanging commuted due to her Pregnancy. She ended up on Jamaica as a convict ( she had her daughter in Jamaica with her age noted in the Birth Records as 23yrs old) later "marrying" a local Sugar Planter after his wife died of Yellow Fever. "Marrying"...not really...she was purchased by him at the docket in Spanish Town (since she was a convict and could not work, vote or own property) and apparently lived out her short life in his house-hold. She is believed to have died and be buried near Mandeville, but the church records are sketchy (per her new last name identification and property ownership plats associated with her "husband") at the age of 36 at childbirth. ( according to a local historian) Her cohorts were much better documented, since they were prominent, brutal and bloody as Hell, and made good news topics when they were captured and hung. Anyway...thought you might enjoy the book.

Enjoy your day Miss...
Fair Winds, Dry Powder, and a Sharp Blade...
Nicci

[Anne Bonny]

I hear you. I believe the difference is a matter of comfort and compromise by reasoned choice. I could most definitely come out on Facebook and to everyone but there are people I value who I would lose because of their rigidity to the prevailing Christian moralism of their upbringing and of society, though that is changing.

Some longer 13" shorts came in the mail so I am over in that part of myself, full make up, jewelry, prosthetic breasts, nail polish etc.... For someone who is gender fluid we do spend time in whichever gender our internal feelings dictate to us in the moment until we feel the need to be otherwise. This is why we would most likely not be good candidates for transition unless our gender were over 50% opposite of our sex.

There was a young woman who had pulled to the side of the road just to the left of our driveway to adjust the straps holding her kayak on the roof of her car...I thought it was one of my son's friends here to pick up the Kayak left on our porch? I did not change but took out the trash as I would dressed in male attire...she looked up at me I waved on my way back in and she waved back and gave me a friendly smile. So...I am not really hiding only to certain people more for my own convenience and to avoid a lot of grief. My wife's mother and my wife's friend who come every other week and all of my wife's family live 80 miles from here so it is just a temporary thing..once my wife goes and her mother goes...I do not care who in her family knows I am openly gender fluid I never see any of them they are not part of my wife and after the funeral...funerals...that will be that...ears pierced...perhaps some lazer therapy to rid me of my beard growth...

I have an older sister who is 72...I never see her either lives hundreds of miles away, I have been dressed on the phone to her she doesn't know. Once she goes...well then I may out myself on Facebook and whoever wants to leave at that point..."BYE!!!"

When my wife is gone my new female partner will be fully accepting, perhaps she will even be someone who prefers my feminine side and likes to take the lead...I believe I can be a supportive wife and submissive about half the time and see myself having a husband or at least half the time...I will need a balance and that balance should be a lot of fun I believe.

Yes, thanks...Anne was an inspiration she crossdressed as a man to live a life of high adventure on the high seas...a merry life but short... I am crossdressed as a woman to live a life of high adventure as well. So I thought it appropriate as I love sailing, I have a Morgan 24 sailboat and an Oday Mariner 19...have always sailed since high school. Anne is a name in my ancestry, is a middle name of my oldest sister too, so I like the name it seemed appropriate to me... I also thought about Mary...Margurite...Sarah but settled for Anne so Anne it is. I will see if the book is available on Amazon Thanks for the additional info. I do have several compendiums on Pirates. Daniel Defo's is probably the best "A General History of the Pyrates."

I am both a Pirate and a Wench at heart.

[Robyn]

Hi Anne,

I just got done reading through this post and there’s a lot being said… much of it made me smile of course. I have not been on the Haven for some time as much in my life has changed, just as I see yours has. Shall we say LTD (Living The Dream)?

I wanted to touch on the last part where you mention your heterosexuality and dating as I believe we share some commonalities. It wasn’t too long ago that I made the firm decision that I would dress as I please. I finally figured out that it simply makes me happy and I didn’t want to compromise any longer. I split my gender presentations approximately 50/50 and if that meant I wasn’t going to find a female partner, so be it, life was good being myself. But then, not long after getting out of a relationship where my being a male and putting on makeup and a dress was barely tolerated, I met the most amazing, wonderful, beautiful woman. In fact, we’ll be wed August 19th. Who we are, just two people who have become best friends, that’s what it’s about. What we wear on any given day is just the way we look.

Note, I did not advertise myself as a CD/TV/TS, but when we met and there was a mutual sparkle in our eyes (me on my motorcycle in full male riding gear) I told her straight up that I present as a woman on a regular basis and she simply said, “cool”.

There are many beautiful people in this world. Kudos to you for being yourself, and there’s many who will love you for you, simple as that. I’m glad I popped in here and read your post to see how wonderful you’re doing.

Robyn

[Anne Bonny]

Thanks Robyn. I do hold out the same hope, and you are still more proof that it can and does happen. I mean my sitter, and the Nurse, Aid, Social Worker, and Chaplain and several women I FB Message on the back channel are all very supportive. The next step as with yourself is just being up front and not being afraid to be who we are. So I plan to do just that!. Hey here I am right now relaxing around the house in a dress because I wanted to wear a dress, it makes me happy when I can just be my feminine self and you know what? I do think it is becoming more 50/50. hum..how about it. I like how you came right out with it, I will have to remember that line as a reminder when I meet someone I am interested in.

Congratulations and I hope some day I can find another great partner but this time one who has absolutely no problems with any of who I am at all. Anne.

Oh, Nicci...The Book Pirate Spirit about Anne Bonny is in the mail to me...cool!