To confide or not, a question many of us CD'ers think about

[Lacey Hadley]

Hi Wesley,


Again thanks for a thoughtful reply.

I agree the acceptance or not of crossdressing is often generational. Short of immature teens and young males who may be snarky to a crossdresser they may see or not know, if they know of any person who is a crossdresser or a transgender or even bi or gay, they will probably be a bit more open minded. I also think older people, say the grey hairs may actually be more accepting as they have run across much in life. Likely had many ups and downs in life, lost love, found love, as well as being just lost in their own world and figure WHO THE HELL CARES!?! The most likely un-accepting IMO would be the group say between age 30 and 55 as often they like normality and do not like eye opening change. But I think it's more of the fear of the unknown. If they are in an LTR or married as women they may fear what seeing their male SO or hubby is when dressed as a girl. This age group is mine and is a group which has had lots of info and misinformation about sex, sexuality, gender including transvestites to transgenders. Family and friends in this age group may not know how to deal with a cder from just talking to them and about one they may know to how to talk to one as if we are from another planet

You see anyone between age 30 and 55 were born as far back 1959 to 1987. Lots of changes in society happened with this age range as it grew up. So I guess it can be scary for them, especially women. But I think more and more about my life as a cder and it's good times and many sad and confusing times. I never truly felt like I was ill. I'd feel lots of guilt at what I am and what I do is NOT typical but not an illness. It was me just being me. I know growing up between natural genetic male traits, mixed in for me obviously feminine traits, add a lot of CULTURAL AND SOCIAL INDOCTRINATION! Stirring my physiological pot affected my feelings of personal acceptance and guilt. So if I as a cder feel that way, well others in my demographic range who are not A-typical like me may feel more at odds with it.

I guess the best thing we can do as cders is be ready to talk about it as naturally and honestly as we each can including our own journeys with all the happiness, satisfaction and yes all the troubles, confusion, guilt and sadness. By doing so we may be better understood by others especially those we love and who love us including any SO's or wives. By showing that we are humans with feelings and are mostly just regular members of society, we may help show that what we do is not meant to hurt others, but to give us and help keep our sanity while trying to help give us a bit of happiness outside the regular parts of our lives.

As a male in drab, again I'm much like all my male peers. Enjoy many of the same GUY things, for me again it includes things like cars, motorsports, hockey, football, military aviation, plastic model building, home theater/man cave, photography, news, politics and YES WOMEN! As a hetero male I see women much like my buddies do, YEP we drink and talk about women we know (not any spouses though out of respect) but chicks ok, I said it hetero guys dig chicks and chicks who try to look like girls, dress like girls an act like girls. Come on ladies you all do the same about men (other than your male SO's or hubbies) don't let the lies and distortions of 3rd wave feminists blind your own female senses. Go to a male stripper bar and you have guys with eyes and often booze flowing, ogling the ladies. But go to a girl's night, male dancer/strip show and you have females acting like wild felines... It's OK ladies, tens of thousands of years of male /female evolution has been a part of who we all are.

BUT! crossdressers generally see females in other ways that their male peers may not. We see and try to empathize with their femininity. We have a set of emotions that may be feminine as compared to our regular buddies. We see your clothes, shoes, hair, make up, accessories, style and femininity and we LOVE IT!!! to want to import it to our feminine side. I know personally that many females I worked with, know as friends, as spouses of buddies etc. who when I have good conversations with and yes they DO NOT know me as a cder nor know Lacey, some have told me I am different from the other guys. Not in a bad way but in a way of how I talk about things and can talk about things many guys wont or cant.

So being in a relationship with a cder is not necessarily a bad thing. Being in a bad and maybe abusive (BTW both genders can be abusive) relationship regardless if you are in one with a cder or not is the issue. NOT THE CDING! Ladies, SO's or wive's open your minds, do not let your social upbringing cloud your POV. Talk about cding with the man you are said to love. Most Cders are naturally talkative and BTW we can talk a lot about our femme side. If we go on and on just tell us to politely shut up and let you get a word in edge wise. We don't mean to bore you but if we can find love and an accepting SO or wife we want to release for us often many years of pent up feelings.

A cder is generally as much a man as any other, man enough to wear a dress or skirt, hose and heels and if one trying to dress fully en femme to work on how to do our makeup and to find the right hair/wig style. THIS CAN BE FUN TOO FOR ANY GF/SO/WIFE!

WE DON'T BITE, unless you want us too We just want to be accepted and not have anyone afraid to talk to us so that we can help inform and educate others.

Some cders may be bi or gay but they will have similar issue to those they may know and love, from family to friends to loves/SO. Transgendered people have a host of other things to deal with as they come to terms about who they are. NONE OF THEM BITE TOO! They in their own way are on a journey as well and they too deserve, love, acceptance, life and respect too.

PEACE OUT!

[Emily]

Thanks so much for the thoughts, Lacey. Hoping that I'm not going to get too far off topic, but just wanted to add a few thoughts myself...

A few moments for my thoughts.

1: I found it made me angry to read your GF took all your femme clothes and threw them out. If she found that you being a crossdresser was too distasteful to her she should have approached you on it as a mature adult and discuss how you two would incorporate you having a need to crossdress and YES it's a need not a hobby. IMO if your GF can't handle any aspect of you being a crossdresser it may be best to move on.

I tend to agree that it was not her property to dispose of, but it wasn't anger I felt then. As I think back, it was guilt and shame that I felt and I figured that she was in the right to do what she did because after all, it was me who was "wrong". I know now that I shouldn't have felt any guilt or any shame, but it was a confusing time in my life. Here was this wonderful person whom I felt that I could open up and share my secret with! I thought that with all her experience and friends within the LGBT community, that it I could kind of explore and learn about what I was going through. She tried to accept, but ultimately realized that she did not want a crossdressing boyfriend. Funny thing is I didn't even consider myself a crossdresser! The denial went on for a few years until I finally accepted. BUT... as I got more into it, I had to once again hide this side of me.

Years later, I am finding this secret difficult to keep. I know at some point, I will have to tell someone - but who? When? I don't know. I am also finding that crossdressing IS a need. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone, but I can't stop being who I am. I have been seriously thinking that I might just need some time on my own, but we'll see what happens...

2: I find now as I get more mature and see that my life has been affected pro and con by my crossdressing, that I see how even people who say they love you as a friend and a family member may be totally selfish to you being happy for yourself.

We in this case as cders just want to find our 'zen' in our lives. We truly hurt nobody but only seem to other's expectations, ours thoughts seem to many we may know and love not to matter. Being unconventional, being a- typical does not make one bad.

Agree completely. However, in my case - no one know about Lexi. But what if they did? How would they react? Would they accept? Would they really care one way or another? As I ponder these questions, I think about my family and friends... and I don't think that they would even really care at all - just as long as I am happy and being myself... Sure, my guy friends may find some amusement, but not in any negative context - and I'm sure there'd be a joke or two (insert " I Dream of Jeannnie" theme here). Maybe one day, I'll be ready to tell my secret again to someone. At least this time, I'll be better prepared for whatever reaction might come.

And the Alanis song... yes, seems to sum it all up "perfectly".

[Wesley]

Just wanted to add a quick note. You mentioned your age group as being 30 to 55 ish. Although recently divorced. (having nothing to do with crossdressing) I have been in a relationshiop with a woman (another nurse) who is 35. I made her aware of my crossdressing as we were becoming acquainted although not in an intimate way at that time.

It is has caused an issues between us. She is fully aware of the extent and method of my crossdressing. . (I'm a method underdresser you know. . . ;-)

Anyhow, she is comfortable with it and has no issues. . . Once again, I attribute a big part of that to early honesty and a bit of an uncompromising "This is me" viewpoint. Not anything I have had to force, but she is under no preconception that it will change.

[Noeleena]

Hi,

Lacey

You,v said some things here that are at odds with myself , for men youv said it as it is ,

may just be I was never a part of that up bringing and do find it very out of my depth in how you would talk about women = chicks or goto a strip tease and with drink flowing,,,

then to the women and and talking about men .

= Don't let the lie,s and distortions of 3 rd wave femininists blind your own female senses go to a male striper bar,

WOW,

Remember I was / am a female born and yes I was not seen as a female where I worked I was seen as a male how the hell I got away with it I wont ever know I did and I got through it and only just.

Oh heck...... when I heard men talking as youv said , I walked I left that room we were in yes they had photos of women nude on the walls and their talk was a put down it confronted me that's why I walked out the door , funny as it was it was snowing out side I did not care, cold as and my C O came out and said don't stay out there I said im okay and that was it ,

I was 17, 1/2 , I absoultly hated their talk , you may never know what it did to me and still does after some 45 years it cut me to the bone so hard you know you guys say things , its far worse than belting us up had that too so I know what its like, so down grading part of my utter hate of men and their treatment of us , talk ... is cheap ... yet it kills us,and not just in death only .

You know what I,v said im a stroppy women and tough and take no fools on board and I can handle myself pretty well, I just don't have any armour or protechion for those words I heard ,

Ya Ya I know as many men will say, oh just get over your self take a pill ....take a hike , what ever ,

when your a female its not like that and when you have insecuritys and lack self esteem and confidence in your self , it really does cut you down and your worthless........

even after all these years its affecting me now youd see what im going through right now this very moment may be im nieve maybe a good,e good,e ...Oh ...wow....

You or you,s live in a very different world I don't know,

This part = crossdressers I find it hard to understand this the male side and your talk and then come back with you wonting to be feminine be like us and more so when youv put us down in your first breath you detail on chicks rubbish us then wont to be like us ,I fail on that.

When your with other men to me it seems to be a one upmanship type of your better than the other guy so you try to prove that why cant it be oh wow that's great and say your pleased for them in what ever detail it was and accept he is good at what he does and back him up ,

I had two men on a building site last year I was in charge of, one came up to me looked at what I was doing and said you know what your doing you don't need me here and went to another part of the site in fact I did not know him

The 2 guy talked too much and would not shut up and he was going to take over he came to ...HELP... right.

so when we were ready to do this part of the job he started again so I said I,ll have you on that corner and the other 4 men where I needed them he still did not shutup so I got the others to do what was needed to be done.

He thought I was a dumb blond frad not I was the Boss ,he thought he,d take over because I,m a female, well I can get stroppy when I need to .

So to you guys heres my ? how many of you would take your posting = work place, serious enough to have a female in charge and tell you what was needed on the job ,

I do hold rank and have had other Military men work for me ,

Take this how I,d like you to please , there are some details / issues I find very hard to work through and this is some of that .

danke = thank you .

...noeleena

[Ralitsa]

I'm going to throw a crazy thought out there, just for the sake of conversation.

Have you considered the possibility of finding new friends, that don't know the other side, and only know your femme side? What I have observed is that total strangers can be very friendly, accepting, supportive, and encouraging when those people you've known for years may not be. In quite a number of instances I've struck up new friendships with people who don't know anything else about me, but we became friends based on this personality. Unlike people who are "friends" merely because they live nearby, went to the same school, work at the same company, or whatever, these people are friends because they actually like who I am.

So confiding can mean either telling someone you already know about who you really are; or it can mean the person you really are gets to know someone that you can talk to about anything. So this sounds totally backwards, but I'd suggest that if you have nobody close that you think you can absolutely trust, then you're probably better off to put on your best dress and pair of heels and go out to a nice place (theatre, museum, gun range, wine tasting tour, or whatever you like) and enjoy yourself and maybe find some new friends. When you do that, you know that anyone who speaks to you will accept your fashion choices, and you don't have to bother with everyone else.
I'm a firm believer in complete transparency (for motivations, not clothing) and I think that if a person hides that part of themselves which is most important, then it's impossible to get any sort of accurate response from another person. Not every person in the world will, or even should, be totally accepting of me. Similarly I could make a really long list of the sorts of people I don't like. It doesn't matter - I only expect that they leave me alone while I will leave them alone. But when I present an accurate representation of myself to the world, some people will genuinely respond positively and these people I know have similar feelings and beliefs.

I will speculate that may of us suffer from the anxiety caused by spending a lot of years and effort pretending to be something we believe that people whom we're told should be important to us have led us to believe that they expect we should be in order to gain their acceptance. (that sentence is totally incomprehensible ) Confused? I guess! So turning things on their head in a nice Dostevskian style, I say we reject that notion and start telling the truth for a change.

Well I did struggle with: to tell, or not to tell, that is the question. For a lot of years, right up until the one I was married to decided that she was going to use that as the reason for getting a divorce, and basically tried to blackmail me with it. At that point I needed to decide whether I was ashamed of it, whether I thought I was wrong, whether I "deserved" to suffer for my "sins", and all that... until I reread Huck Finn. (if you haven't read that since you were 15, then I'll tell you that it's not about what you think it's about)

And now I have friends that accept me, a few that I go shopping with (and my bank account is lucky that it's only a few! ), some family members that are civil and respectable, and nobody else matters much. In closing, before asking whether or not to confide, one must ask whether or not the person in question matters enough to put yourself to that. It's likely easier to just find new friends.