Coming Out to Family

[Emily]

In a previous post I had mentioned something about maybe coming out to friends, family and SO, but waiting till the time was right.

It feels like that time might be approaching and I am really starting to feel that I need to tell my SO. It's been a secret that I've been hiding for years now, though I do suspect she probably knows more than I think she does. Women seem to be pretty intuitive about certain things... I just don't think she knows how far I've taken it.

BUT... before I do that, I feel like I need to tell someone close to me, like a sibling. Like my sister. We're pretty close and I feel that it would be comforting knowing that I had already told another person about Lexi.

My reasoning: A long time ago, when my SO and I were still living together, she had been away for a couple of days. So I of course took advantage of the opportunity and played a bit of dress up. She knew what I had done. She called me at work and was furious. I had to leave early to go home to talk about it - calm things down. On the phone she had threatened to tell my friends, tell my family and tell my boss. I was so worried, and so afraid of what would happen if she did. I told her that I wouldn't do it again. (But I did and again she found out - this was a few years later and since then, I've been trying harder to keep it better hidden.)

Fast forward 10+ years... I realize now that no one really cares. So what if she tells my friends, or people at work... No one cares!!! BUT if she tells my family... well, that's fine too, but I would just feel better if I let them know first. Plus, you never know... things happen. And if something did, depending on the circumstance, I'm sure there could be a lot of questions. Again, I feel that there is some comfort in knowing that there is somebody out there close to you that knows. Who better to tell then a sister that you love, respect and trust probably more than anyone else in the whole wide world?

Maybe I'm looking at it all wrong? Maybe I should just go ahead and tell the SO? Maybe she's "mellowed out" over the years (she has). Still... this gut feeling tells me its not quite time yet... but that I should at least "feel it out" with my sister try to gauge her reaction, and if it feels right, maybe tell her. I just don't know... and I don't even know how I'd kick off this kind of conversation.

Have any of you ever felt like telling your family about this side of you? Is it better not to tell? So many questions... so many doubts and uncertainties... But such it is. It'll all get figured out one day! Thank you for reading.

[Anthony Simon]

....there is some comfort in knowing that there is somebody out there close to you that knows...

Lexi - You need acceptance but, the way you write this, I doubt that either your sister or your wife are the places to go for it.

[Joan Grey]

On the other hand, once someone knows, it can easily alter their perception of you, and not always favorably. You can never get the Genie back in the bottle.

[Stephanie M]

Yeah the old desire of coming out. It's probably driven by our desire to be accepted. It's also frightening because once the cat is out of the bag you risk losing friendships, family members, or anyone close to you.

I'm happy my wife knows my secret, but it's also terrifying to some degree knowing someone has this knowledge and the potential power someone could have over you keeping this secret.

The only advice I can offer up is, if you think your SO will be accepting then by all means disclose it. It's really nice not having to listen for the car pulling up and having to run and hide when your wife comes home. As far as disclosing to other people I would recommend only doing so if she is ok with it. There is potential embarrassment for her if the secret is out. This is something that affects you both.

Ultimately it's up to you of course and I'm just expressing an opinion based on my own personal experience and realize what is right for me may not be your answer.

[Emily]

Thank you, all for the feedback, I really do appreciate it.

I totally get it - once you tell, you can't 'untell'.

So what do you do???

I suppose for now, the best thing is to keep the status quo. It doesn't change the fact that at some point, I will have to tell my s/o. I know that its not the right time for that just yet... but I suppose in a way, I'm just trying to prepare for the storm.

I honestly don't know how it will go, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there. In the meantime, I'm just going to enjoy my Lexi time, because at the end of the day, this is my thing. Nobody has to know, though I am fully aware that the s/o will consider this a 'lie of omission' on my part once I do decide to tell her. Its like the proverbial rock and a hard place. *SIGH* Oh boy...

[Stephanie M]

Sometimes Lexi, I feel it would be liberating to just come out and no longer worry about being caught then reason kicks in and I realize that I would have to endure the "shame" and consequences that I fear in the first place. I wish there was an easy answer for all of us. At least we have places like this to express ourselves and speak with people in the same boat.

[Diana Michelle]

Lexi, you say your SO will consider your not telling her of your crossdressing a "lie of omission." Girlfriend she knows! You say she has found out at least twice in your first post, She has to be living under a rock if she thinks these are isolated incidents. There is too much information available online and elsewhere and trust me she has done her research. She has more the attitude of "if we don't talk about it then it doesn't exist" which is just a variation of DADT.

As for wanting to tell someone I can understand that as the TG community has made tremendous strides over the past few years and the feeling of being free of the "closet" is definitely liberating. My own personal advice is if you have the pressing need to tell then yes tell those close to you and feel can handle the news. Before you do tell them though you need to ask two questions of yourself.

"Do they have a need to know?"

"What can be gained by telling them that at times I like to wear women's clothes?"

I do agree with Stephanie that once you tell it will always be there so think all of this through before you make the big reveal.

[Katie_S]

I kept it hidden for many years also but finally got up the nerve to tell my wife. While I had never been caught, my wife was aware that I was fascinated by lingerie and so when I actually did tell her, she said she was not all that surprised. We had a long discussion and set some boundaries and so now I underdress 24 x 7 with her knowledge and acceptance (notice I did not say her understanding). She accepts to the degree that she will go shopping with me and will also buy me underthings for special occasions. Not everything I could wish for but certainly better than hiding it and certainly eases my mind.

[DonnaT]

Back to the OP, if you really find the need to tell your wife, then I would suggest talking to your sister first. Get her thoughts on how your wife might react. Heck, she might be the first person your wife would call, depending on how close they are.

[Davita]

Not only do we ask the questions about what can be gained/lost and does any one need to know, we should also be asking ourselves just who should we be telling. It's not all or nothing at first. When I started coming out, I had three lists: those that I needed to know, those that could know and those that should never know.

As I have said before, there is rarely the perfect moment, conversation, activity going on that makes it a good opportunity to come out. You're going to have to put your big girl panties on and just do it when a reasonable chance comes up. As said countless times before, it doesn't pay to be sorry, make promises you know you won't keep and think you have all the answers to all the questions.

[Emily]

Wow! Thank you, girls!

This has really helped me putt things into perspective... I guess really, there won't be anything gained at this point. I suppose for now, I'll just continue to keep this to myself. I do agree with Stephanie that at least there is an outlet like the Haven where we can express ourselves and don't have to hide.

Lexi, you say your SO will consider your not telling her of your crossdressing a "lie of omission." Girlfriend she knows!

There's no doubt in my mind that she has some inkling, but I don't think she knows just how far I've taken this. And that's why I feel I need to tell her soon. When the time is right. She's too busy with other stuff right now, and telling her now would just not be a good thing.

But, a couple of funnies... she wanted to get some new leggings a while back. She said she was going to get them from Garage. I asked her, "why there?" She replied saying that because they were cheap, but did I know a better place? What could I say? I just replied back, "how would I know?". Last week at the drug store, she needed concealer... I guess I was in the way. She asked if I was going to let her get it, unless I needed some myself. What could I say? I just told her that I was trying to get it for her.

My biggest blunder happened last spring though... She had found out that I had done "the shave". In a very matter of fact tone, she asked me straight out, "are you cross dressing?" I suppose I had a chance to tell her, but I didn't... I just said that no, I was just trying something different. I figured she bought it. Maybe I was wrong.

Since our last "argument", I've done and said everything to prove to her that this was a phase, that I am not into it anymore. At first it may have been a lie of omission, but now, its just a lie. And whether she knows or not, its really getting to that point where I feel I just need to be straight with her. I thought that maybe talking it though with someone first might help, but maybe it won't. If I tell my SO and she decides to go to FB and announce it to the world, then that's also a risk I have to take. But just like anything else, I'll deal and I'll figure it out.

Talking here has helped big time and I do truly appreciate all the comments, suggestions and feedback. Its good to have so many perspectives and something to act as my "voice of reason". Again thank you all! I really, honestly and truly do appreciate it - lots n' lots!

[Nicole Rose]

Hi Lexi, I know exactly where your feelings are coming from, sometimes we just want to let everything out, be accepted as who we are, and we are all so much the same but all of us have unigue circumstances and where we are in our lives. As xmas is only 15 days away, I wouldn't tell anybody right now, not a good time, so much other things going on. Maybey quizzing your sister, feel her out about gender issues, you can always say its someone you know going through this, and you were just wondering what her opinion was, just be careful, don't want to regret all this later. AS far as gf goes, wait until she gets done her classes, get more settled back into a new job, then maybey you can start to hint to her about your fem-side, I know its hard, but you've waited this long, a little bit longer won't hurt. We are here for each other Lexi, we are like family here too!!!! Everything has a way of working out, some good,some bad, so take it slow dear lexi, your friend nicole ps, I know how this secret eats at us from the inside, please take your time lexi

[Stephanie M]

Lexi, from what I've read it sounds like you are in a similar situation that I was in during my first marriage.
It's a tough way to live on both of you. I ended up getting a divorce not exclusively because of this, but it was a pretty big nail in the coffin. If you ever want to chat about it feel free to PM me.

[Emily]

Hi Lexi, I know exactly where your feelings are coming from, sometimes we just want to let everything out, be accepted as who we are, and we are all so much the same but all of us have unigue circumstances and where we are in our lives. I know its hard, but you've waited this long, a little bit longer won't hurt. We are here for each other Lexi, we are like family here too!!!!

Like always, you are absolutely, 100% correct, Nicole! Thank you so much! Yes, I do feel that need to be accepted, but yes... I can wait a little longer. I know I will have to tell the GF eventually, but not now. Not at this time. Maybe next year... 2016 has been a milestone year for Lexi in so many ways... What does 2017 have to offer for this girl? Who knows? But the best thing to do is take it slow, take it steady. But I really am so glad to have found this little Haven as an outlet to talk about these things. Thanks again, Nicole!

Lexi, from what I've read it sounds like you are in a similar situation that I was in during my first marriage. If you ever want to chat about it feel free to PM me.

Thank you, Stephanie. That's sweet of you to offer... I just might!

[Stephanie M]

That's what I'm here for, Lexi to talk to people and see what we can learn from each other.