Crossdressers-Haven.com

I haven't posted here or anywere in some time, I truly want to find a way to live with being TG that won't cause pain to me or my wife. I have been getting more withdrawn since I had a breakdown a few years back, I came out to my wife back than. We live what many might call a "don't ask don't tell" policy. The truth is that I have a much bigger problem than Crossdressing, I hate being male. In the last 3 months have lost the ability to get an erection, still waiting on blood test results but I fear it is more a mental problem. My life is sliding out of control at a very fast pace. Been down the therapy road twice with no long term results, no longer drink or do drugs but miss the numbness of that so much it hurts. The idea of living as a women is constantly on my mind but the reality is; divorce, lose contact with my daughter, lose job, too old and manish? to blend into real life.
I know this is just a useless scream into the ether but it's all I have today.

Jill, I can write to you later today. For now, know that you do have a temporary reprieve in your pain if you come here. There will be responses from people here who know some part of all of the trials you're facing. We may only be online, but we can share things of value with you.

Thanks Anita, I hiked our dogs through a near by field right after posting this whinny dribble and now feel ashamed of these emotions. Many others have gone though far worse without complaint.

Jill,
Many of us probably have simiar feelings. My wife forbids any dressing and the help of my friends in chat, letting me complain, has been a good relief valve. Get it out of your system if it helps.

Jill,

I know just where you are. I have been there. There is life after coming out. It may not be your fantasy version, but it can be quite fulfilling and change life from unbearable to being quite happy. I won't tell you there is no pain along the way, there is, but what I can tell you is that you can be anything you want to be. I almost killed myself to find that out. You don't have to.

It's about accepting who and what you are and embracing it instead of hiding it. I never thought I could do it. I thought it would be impossible, that my kids would never accept me. That being openly transsexual would be embarrassing and humiliating for them. That the courts and my exwife would take my children away and ban me from seeing them. That people would point and laugh.

But the worst never happened. My children not only accepted me, but chose to live with me instead of their mother, knowing I would be living as a woman. My best friend was totally accepting and never had a problem me. My brother that I had been close to, disowned me. That was really the only bad thing that happened.

Now that is no guarantee that nothing bad will happen to you. Bad things do happen. There are people who may not accept you, that you thought would. It will end relationships that you thought would never end. People do get fired for coming out transgender, but it's becoming more and more acceptable and now most Fortune 500 companies have transgender nondiscrimination policies, with many even providing insurance that pays for transition.

But being the person you always thought you should be will open new doors that you have yet to discover. There will be new friends and there will be new love. There will be new opportunities along with the flat our pleasure that living one's life can bring.

I know it's all a bit frightening right now, but this is a place you are safe. No one here will be critical of you for being who you are. No one here will advise you to make certain decisions, but will tell you what they would or have done. We are here to tell you that you are OK. You are not defective.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Hi Jill,
Elizabeth is spot on, as always. She's in a better position to empathize with what's happening in your life.

You mentioned unsuccessful therapy, and I'm sorry to hear that. I'm a firm believer of professional therapists. I've seen, first hand, some postive results from people in therapy. Of course, every situation is different.

We're here for all the "dribble" you want.

Hugs,
Kyra

Jill – I understand completely, and I'm sorry to hear that you're going through so much angst about it all. There's no question that the bulk of our sex drive is driven by mental state. I would hazard a guess that your stress, feelings of being unable to share meaningful parts of your life with your wife, and uncertainty about your future are all playing a role in your current challenges.

So what to do about it?

All I can say is that my personal experience is that you need to be able to talk about anything important in your life to people who matter to you. Arguably therapy is less about facing issues once and then shelving them, and more about learning communication habits that let you continue to process your own feelings in a healthy fashion. The "don't ask, don't tell" policy you have with your wife is depriving you of the connection you need. We're better than nothing as an outlet and I'd encourage you to keep using us as a sounding board or even an excuse just to put your thoughts into words, but it's unlikely to be enough by itself.

There's no one path that's right for everyone. Focusing on transition as the sole solution can be a problem in its own right. Honestly, I think you need to learn to talk to your wife and get her involved in the conversation. Don't think of it as telling her your decision, but helping her understand what's troubling you and asking for her help. The more involved she is, the less likely she is to feel that you're being unfair to her.

All of which is no guarantee that you'll be able to avoid the outcomes you fear the most. The good news is that there's so much more exposure to transgender issues in the media that women aren't as likely to feel that it's something they have to cope with on their own, or that they're the only ones.

Best wishes, Jill. Do feel free to get in touch any time you want to vent, or ask questions, or just need some virtual company.

Hi Jill,

We are here to support each other. You have been around long enough to know this gift does not go away and for those of us who have tried to repress it, suppress it, or even ignore it, very few are successful and we know that those that have had any degree of success with that have been, uh to say it gently, very unhappy with their lot in life.

You have gotten some sage advice from some of the best and when you get information from those who can truthfully say, "been there done that." That is a pretty good source of support and information.

I was just earlier tonight trying to understand a article from a PhD from Portugal and what she was saying was that some of the latest information, not totally directed at "us," but we are the beneficiaries as well, is that our minds and our reality are tied together by quantum physics and after that she kind of lost me but basically she was saying that we are who we are and if we learn to accept that and be who we think in our mind as based in our mind's reality we can be a very happy person, and don't let others = anyone control our destiny! It can hurt at first, but I know from personal experience, that girl inside you is emotionally as strong as necessary to get us through the toughest of times, she is an amazing creature. Don't ignore her, let her lead you and you will be amazed at what you can accomplish.

Stay with us and share with us and remember sharing your journey could ultimately help one of your sisters as they may begin to struggle with this. Look at Elizabeth's success! Can I say, "A Woman for all seasons!"

Love,

Virginia

Jill S wrote:I haven't posted here or anywere in some time, I truly want to find a way to live with being TG that won't cause pain to me or my wife. I have been getting more withdrawn since I had a breakdown a few years back, I came out to my wife back than. We live what many might call a "don't ask don't tell" policy. The truth is that I have a much bigger problem than Crossdressing, I hate being male. In the last 3 months have lost the ability to get an erection, still waiting on blood test results but I fear it is more a mental problem. My life is sliding out of control at a very fast pace. Been down the therapy road twice with no long term results, no longer drink or do drugs but miss the numbness of that so much it hurts. The idea of living as a women is constantly on my mind but the reality is; divorce, lose contact with my daughter, lose job, too old and manish? to blend into real life.
I know this is just a useless scream into the ether but it's all I have today.

Jill,
I just posted something in the "how did you begin" thread. Please read it.
I, too, have been to "therapists". The last one I was seeing went to sleep during the session. I still can not understand why that cheese head was in business!
The ability to get an erection, can be influenced by mind. Also by several medical conditions. You may need to see a urologist to find out if there is something serious, or not. Because, age can get you on that one!
I resent what I call "man junk", it gets in my way, has a tendency to do other things which I find annoying, but that is another story.
I have been married and divorced five times. And no, not because of being a woman inside. That may have had some indirect effect.
I would love to have all of the things a woman has that make her such....BUT!
I am older.
I live and work in a male dominated world.
I have health issues.
Money. You have to buy a lottery ticket to be able to win it.

HRT can do wonders for mind set. It's a one way trip so you better be very sure!

I know you are aware of the options that are available.

The absolute worst thing, for me, was the isolation. And that is what I, all of us, are here for. So none of us have to be so alone!

I live in a place that is closed minded and predjudicial in the extreme. Red neck ye haw heaven! If you aint a cowboy, you aint ----!

Six months ago, I did not know what a "transsexual" person was. Six months ago I was as big a "hater" as there ever was (protective coloration). I have "dressed" all my life, feeling guilty and perverted every inch of the way! So, I was frantic in making sure that no one EVER thought I had a PROBLEM!

Then "I" was turned loose! Me, Andrea, the opinionated, D cupped, substantially physical, cool ice queen. No mistake about it, a dress affords me a lot of freedom of movement! Hate crime? Just try it! My purse is kind of heavy!

Now I feel horrible that I perpetuated hate.

Jill, I know it seems hopeless. I had decided that if I must live alone because of who I am, then so be it. Now, I am surrounded by accepting friends. My SO, who I had written off and ended our relationship. She knows all about it! She has accepted me for who I am with open arms. Well, so far. I am really nervous about being dressed in front of any one, hiding it all those years! Big butterflys in my tummy! (Coming from me, that is hilarious!)

Jill, please, please hang in there! I know it's hard! You are a good person and the world is blessed, I, we, are blessed by having you in it! Whether you know it or not, you are loved! Someone in your life needs you! You are important! Life can be happy and filled with joy! You know what is right for you, but, that journey to the answer can feel like it will rip you apart! Know it or not, you are an inspiration!

If you need someone to chat with or a shoulder, I am here and I would, will talk, anytime you need to. I am gone (off line) from 3 PM to 3 AM CST, work..., today I am not feeling well, why I am still here.

Am I sorry this is a long post? Not in the slightest!

You are in my thoughts!

Andrea Elise

Jill well as for the erection thing its probably mental i mean... even regular men have times like these even when theyre in front of a hot chick. I mean like me back then... it was well because im like too tensed I guess or worried about things or super shy hohohohohohoho.

Well, i started a bit late as well. If I did earlier I mightve looked nicer... I mean I might have had more days in my life where in I was closer a bit to atleast looking like a woman but thats just that now. atleast i still have some days left. just like you, atleast you have some time to do what you want still in this lifetime than say in the end you never were able to right?

you need a break and some really good recreation. you seem interested in this em erection thing why dont you try something new to you like... I don tknow watch something live or something? I dont know where you are so I dont know what kind of sexually oriented entertainment is available there so...

I have been feeling some better the last few days, went hiking Sunday and that always brings me up for a few days. Saw my doctor today, my blood work was pretty normal but the T levels are at the lower end of normal (380). She suggested I start on a Cream that has T in it. Has anybody had experiance with this? She seems to think it will bring my libido up. I am little worried about emotional/mental effects it might have. I told her I would talk it over with my wife before stating on it.
Thanks for being here, i don't know if I could stay sane(ish) with out you.
Jill

My T level is very low, and I was prescribed Androgel. Didn't affect my libido any, however.

Didn't help a whole lot as my T level barely reached the low normal range. I quit using it.

Jill you can try going to a strip club. I mean it might naturally wake you up. Whats your fetish anyway, I mean maybe you can like go to one which specializes on those or something.

Your wife wont mind right? I mean its just watching a show... and if youre all turned on when you get back home i think that would be super...

perhaps pornography would be a good option. you know less real than a strip club if the wife is a bit iffy about that. Porn has ever kind of fetish ever at the reach of your finger tips might help you try new things and awaken. i watch way too much porn but it certainly helps the blood boil