To confide or not, a question many of us CD'ers think about

[Lacey Hadley]

confide
[kuh n-fahyd]

verb (used without object), confided, confiding.
1.
to impart secrets trustfully; discuss private matters or problems (usually followed by in):
She confides in no one but her husband.
2.
to have full trust; have faith:
They confided in their own ability.
verb (used with object), confided, confiding.
3.
to tell in assurance of secrecy:
He confided all his plans to her.
4.
to entrust; commit to the charge or knowledge of another:
She confided her jewelry to her sister.


-------------------------------------------------------------

Confiding such a significant part of ourselves with others I believe is something most if not all of us as crossdressers have thought of and think of doing. But why?

Why, speaking for myself and maybe others here feel the same do I feel a need to want to tell in confidence of my feminine side and that of being Lacey when I am dressed enfemme? I pondered and ponder this at times. I mean nobody else needs to know per se but that imparts a feeling of guilt on my part by not confiding in others this life long (goes back to my earliest recollections of oh around age 5 or 6) journey and one that I know when being honest with myself will remain with me for the rest of my life.

I feel great when I dress as Lacey, I feel blessed that I look and conduct myself nicely when dressed as Lacey. This in a way bothers me as in my life I do not share her and my dressing with others. Very few (4) people know that I'm a crossdresser and I don't talk about doing it or dress in front of them. I hate not being able to dress and go as I will. I hate that Lacey is a private me only persona. Yes, I realize that it's my problem and only I can move beyond keeping her and my CDing secretive or break the wall down and begin to share her and my CDing with others whom I should feel I could trust to not hurt me about it or use CDing against me. BUT WHY AM I (and maybe others in their journey here) SO AFRAID TO OPEN UP WITH OTHERS WHOM I LOVE AND/OR HAVE BEEN LONG FRIENDS WITH! I guess I may be scared at their reactions and those being negative. Will they hold confidence? Will they stop being apart of my life? IT SUCKS! as I am still the same 'guy' they have known, but they are being trusted in knowing another part of who I am. Of course they may be totally fine with it and even supportive but the act of confiding is scary as I don't know how each person may be? Some in my life I ponder to tell, I feel they will be ok and fine with it but I am scared to lose them if they may not. But back to Lacey it really takes a toll on me to keep her more or less locked away as only being with me. Crossdressing especially totally enfemme makes me feel good, so good I want to be able to take it and her out of the closet, but I just don't know. I'm certain others here share and feel similar feelings to this stuff.

Lacey feels so good and loves her look that she would love to be able to confide and share herself with others. The expanded conversations I can have especially with other genetic females that I know about crossdressing, clothes, shoes, make up and hair etc all excite my femme mind. To be able to talk about this stuff would be great, but the fear of rejection and how many others mistake being a CDer as being some sort of sicko and pervert keeps me from expressing such.

When I dress up especially in full femme mode as Lacey I enjoy what she brings to me, how she looks and conducts herself but I hate it that it and she stays inside my home behind closed doors. Though nothing says I need to open up to others, it's when I take off the wig, the heels , the clothes and the make up after I dress that I feel so sad that another day goes by where such a fantastic person in myself enfemme as Lacey is kept private. IT CAN REALLY BUM ME OUT!

Societal conditioning begins at birth. CDers are brought up in a world where such conditioning leads to guilty feelings and fear of others from dressing up. We likely know that our fears are painted greater than they probably are warranted. But fighting or pushing back said fear after a life long social conditioning is SO HARD!

This said for others to find out, know and maybe see us as CDers is due to their life of social conditioning also hard to push back on. FITTING IN, THE NEED TO CONFORM TO SOCIAL UPBRINGING IS A VERY POWERFUL THING! But crossdressing harms nobody, in fact to crossdressers it is an outlet and a way to help keep sane and level headed in each our own personal lives. I feel that none of us want to hurt others and as CD'ers we just want to be accepted and free to be who we are. CD'ers cross all aspects of society, all professions, all incomes, all religions or lack of such, all races and cultures. We know who we are and come to accept that being a CD'er won't go away and if we fight it or block it out, that by doing such it will only make us feel terrible as time passes by.

To be free(er) among others whom we know would make our lives as CD'ers better. Most if not all of us endrab are more or less regular guys and have no desire to hurt or bother others in our lives. But we just have a side to us that we consider DEAR AND SPECIAL and it make us feel so great when we express aspects of CDing to each of our own levels. To be open to a SO if you have one in your life, to other family members and dearest friends would be a weight off our shoulders if we are to be accepted. But I guess until we each and in my case I take the plunge to tell in confidence others about being a CD'er and about Lacey well we and I just don't know. But for me it would be to never hurt others by telling them, but by sharing a special part of my life and persona with them... IT WOULD BE SO WONDERFUL!

Sorry I just had to write thoughts on this topic here today to help me get past a feeling of wondering about confiding in others.

[DonnaT]

Problem is, one you confide to someone, it's no longer a secret.

You trust them not to tell anyone else, but if they trust the person they plan to confide in, it may continue to spread even though you did not want it to, through more and more confidential telling.

If you don't want to keep it a secret, and you want to be open about dressing, then there's no need to confide to another person. Meaning you don't expect them to keep it secret.

-------------------------------
(you=anyone)

[Davita]

I came out in drips and drabs then torrents and floods. I simply decided I can lose any so called friend (one that is not good enough to stay with me after coming out) and any relative that can't love me enough to care how I feel. I would tell any one that I told, they can tell their spouses, but in the long run these xyz people cannot find out. I left it to them to judge the safety of whom they told. I told my better half first and hoped it didn't end us. But in the simple world of economies, number one comes first and so I had to be happy with my life.

[Lacey Hadley]

I agree, that once you tell another person it is out of your control, you then must trust their discretion. You may have to understand that they may openly or inadvertently tell another person. I guess in you confiding to them initially you can make it clear of your worries in doing so and that you trust them and that they will do their best to hold the confidence or in the end be very tactful with whom they may ultimately tell. The double edge sword is that by letting your femme side out the wall comes down and you feel a sense of liberation, but such can lead to others leaving your friendship and or using the knowing of your CDing against you.

It is in the end HOW WE TAKE IT! Nobody can make you feel any way that you do, it is up to us in how to feel and act/react to stuff. But nobody said it would be easy.

[Anne Bonny]

Confide? Speaking for myself I have come to understand that this is nearly half of who I am as a total person. Then I asked myself why would I go through life having to hide nearly half of who I am? Do people who are not gender fluid or transgender live their lives like that? No! They are very open about who they are and live their lives to the fullest extent possible. Shouldn't those who are in our lives know who we are, if they do not then they do not really know or love us (when they do not know all of who we are the potential is they would not want to know us, or would not love us, but then how much more wonderful it is when we tell our loved ones and they do assure us, now that they know us, that they continue to love us all the more). They do not know nearly half of who we are. I do not think that is healthy. Suppression and hiding is not healthy. We like everybody else deserve to live and to be free to be all of who we are. Sure there are some we value who we cannot tell, realistically not everyone can handle who we are but many many people can and we can be open with them and in growing our network of friends and acquaintances I think we need to be surrounded by people who know us fully.

Ok...I have to say I am retired, and I am independently solvent which means I no longer have to apply for a job and work so I no longer have to worry about being hired or fired. But why should we wouldn't that be discrimination? My wife is no longer aware, our sons are about half out of the nest and soon will be on their own. My family live hundreds of miles away, one sister I have told the other is traditional and religious so I would not tell her. My parents and grandparents are gone. My wife's family are not mine so once she goes there are no ties with her family and they will all go away too. If I meet another she will certainly know up front and be fully accepting of Anne if they love me, but I do not plan to marry again. I do not have any friends. Hence I have to acknowledge that I am in an extremely strong position to come out fully or nearly so. If you are still of working age, still have family in and out, etc...then it is more difficult. I am very lucky in some ways, but in other ways not.


I use "radar" my sense about a person when I seek to bring them into my inner circle of those who know. When you are with someone enough to get a sense about them you can get a sense of are they an open and accepting and laid back person? When subjects like Homosexuality (I am heterosexual but attitude on this is telling) or crossdressers come up as they do on rare occasions....what kinds of things have they said about it...open? supportive? or very negative? Do these people REALLY like me? Are they close to me? do they care about me - I mean really? You can sense these things. Are they very conservative, very traditional, deeply conservatively religious, seem to be closed minded? - wow those would be huge red flags, along with snide comments about homosexuality or topics like Crossdressing...in those cases I know this is someone I like perhaps but also someone who I can never tell...and in sharing myself I tell those Oh be sure never to tell so and so... I can say so far my radar has worked very well.

I am still not quite sure how my one neighbor will react...but they will probably not cut me off completely, if they did.... well we do not talk much but we are supportive on those rare instances when we have had reason to interact.

As for the rest of town...I do not have a lot of friends so I do not care, this may not be New York City..."Niew york citty?" but it is a place where several hundred thousand people live and being on the coast rather than the northern part of the state the population is more cosmopolitan even so this is not San Francisco!

Oh...I have done an oil tankers worth of soul searching on all of this...trying to figure myself out, and why am I like this, on and on and on...What I found out...the key thing is that yes, I am transgender, more specifically gender fluid the gender moves the personality is fixed. I fully know and fully accept this is who I am, who I have always been and who I will always be, no matter my mood...should some one come up and tap me on my shoulder I would matter of factly tell them I am gender fluid, or "transgender" cross dresser transvestite whatever will be till the day I die. I am very confident. As Robyn said I have every right to be who I am, they have every right not to like it! So... So Being who I am does not make me less of a person, or even less masculine, or less of a man...I am more as total person. So should someone see Anne...then at some date I meet up with them as my male self...it's still me and there is no shame in that because it does not make me any less masculine. I am every bit as secure about who I am as they are of who they are. There are a lot of insecure men out there...but I am not one of them.

[Noeleena]

Hi,

I know a person who dress,s and theres about 15 who do some men and other females all get together and dress in olden day wear, and go vist old buildings some where over your way I don't have the info to tell you who or where at this time its locked on another computer ,he does not have any issues and dress,s pretty good and would be passable and does tell others who he is ,

If you look at my history , who I know where I go what groups im a member of and people who work for me at different kitchens and functons then youd find I have many many friends ,

I did not confide or wont people to keep a secret some thing about myself hidden . why would I because im different people know im different to have acceptance you need people to know you ,you invite them into your life and to be part of who you are and what makes you you .

being well known , has been the best detail in my life , maybe some don't understand so what . they don't have to so what they have done is accept I am the way I am because I was born different ,

Was it hard . with the fear of rejection, being an outcast , or people not wonting to be around you or even speak to you . of cause I had those fears and I thought why would any one wont to be my friend .

You know what , I,m a member in our groups with a membership of over 1500 people , I work with them I play in Brass bands with them and I have many work for me at different functions , I dress in different styles of dress not your normal today clothes or fashion just part of what we do , and I say most dresser,s can dress and look far better than I and where ever I go im reconised ,

So what am I saying , don't put a burdan on someone else own who you are take what little flack you may have to take ,and live life love life and be part of life , hiding is not the answer ,

I know what its like been through it lived it taken the flack and still standing the reason I have so many friends is I opened up my heart to them and put my trust in them and they watch out for me and they stand by me and I can tell you some of the hardest toughest men and women I know are my friends . so some times we may not wont to open up trust me its been so neat doing so ,

...noeleena...

[April Rose]

Lacey, not to make light of this, because I understand the anxiety you feel, I have gone through this myself, over the years. But this is a true story that might put this a bit in perspective. A few years ago my wife confided in her sister that I was a cross dresser. Her sister informed her that I had already told her that TEN YEARS earlier. I had no recollection of this!

Apparently I was drunk at the time. It obviously had no effect on our relationship.

Sometimes I think that we can overthink this stuff.

[Sarah Beth]

Each person has to decide for themselves who to "confide" in with their secrets. I to at times hate that I have to stay confined somewhere to enjoy my time dressing up, but that I think is more about just wanting to feel the freedom of being outdoors doing something and feeling of my soft feminine clothing as I move about. I would never pass and I know that so as far as my opening up to a lot of people about doing this I don't know why I would need to. Other than the fact I think it would be fun to be with another and just enjoy together being who we are.

As far as how confident I am that someone would keep my secret a had a Professor in grad school explain that to me likes this. He said if you know something and don't tell anyone then 1 knows about it but if you tell someone else then the one you are knows about and the one that person is knows about and that is 11. I have always remembered that advice.

[OliviaM]

I concur with my peers here that it is a very individual decision whether to confide and who to confide in. In my case it was extremely difficult deciding when to do this. I have told three people and there is another person probably suspects but I have not actually said anything directly. They are all women. The first two are extremely supportive and trustworthy. One has even bought me clothing. While this place is very important to me and the friends here are necessary to my wellbeing, I never get to see anybody. Being able to talk face to face with supportive people is exciting and satisfying. Was I nervous about any of the women divulging my secret, you bet. Fortunately it has worked out very well and I know I am safe now, but it was nerve wracking at the beginning. You just have to go through the doubting part and have faith you made the right choice.

Olivia

[Nicci]

Miss Lacey,
You could have written your first message and simply added my name to it...

I have recently dug deep and come out of the closet at my house, only to find the gut-wrenching fears and anxiety over 18 years of marriage were unfounded. My wife loves me, and has embraced my need to cross-dress, which is a uncommon in any language. I am learning that the more I put into this, the more I get out of it, finding new emotions , empathy and recognition in the opening doors of personal awareness and "en' femme" exploration. There is a price though, a multiplying factor of unintended consequences.

Like Anne, I waited until my Parents were deceased, and relocated five states away from my seldom seen daughters who would be absolutely mortified at seeing their Father dressed ( and really Happy...) as a Woman. As I have become more comfortable and embedded into the Woman inside me, we have slowly, willingly and deliberately severed friendships and isolated ourselves from local friends and acquaintances. Neither of us "care", enjoying "us", but the deliberate isolation has raised a lot of questions among them.

As I become more "feminine", I am learning that dressing is the embodiment of the Persona of "Nicci", the things I can see, touch, feel and experience which re-inforce my recognition ( and true acceptance) of the parts of me that make up the whole of her. And in result, I become more like "her" every day. For me, that's a really good place to be. For my Wife and I...not so. The web is closing in. It's just a matter of time.

But...like many of us, regardless of where I am going, the journey has certainly taken legs of it's own, and I now recognize that essentially the "man" is becoming less as "she" becomes more, and I have virtually no control over the process or the feelings, unless I just stop the whole thing, which I now know deep down I will never be able to do. My Wife and I discuss it often....She adamantly refuses to accept my capitulation. I love her for it, and increase my resolve to be "all I can be" to be Happy, with me. I need it.

I'm vain...and work diligently every day to "look" feminine, in stature, proportion, features, mannerisms, diction and expression. I'm becoming better at it...developing a genuine "Savannah Debutante" sultry drawl, well groomed attire becoming a mature woman with a sense of fashion and strong willed personality, coupled with confidence, ( still working on that part) a sexy sure walk, and many unbidden mannerisms. ( almost too many....example: "he" had a business meeting among 9 peers gathered around a conference table on Monday. As "he" sat down, "he" unconsciously ran his hand down the back of his legs to gather his skirt , while wearing a real "Man's" Double Breasted suit. Don't know if the rest of the attendees saw the error...but I certainly caught it. Not good...Really good way to get "busted".)

As the "he" in me meanders among the public, there is constant exam and analysis of the real Woman in review, and of course comparison of the various pieces and parts, to Nicci. In spite of "looking really good ( and trying to look better every single day...I'm vain...) I know that I don't actually "look" like the rest of them out there. Will I ever...? Don't know. Can I ...? Really good question. Do I want to...? Certainly.
Do I really have to...? Today, undecided. Will I "walk in the light" with everything I've got. Absolutely.
Why ? Because....I am who I am...and I'll never be really happy as someone else...less. I just "know".

I have a plan, ( don't we all) to "come out" into the shining light this year at New Year's Eve, with my Wife.
When I do ( and my wife endorses this without reservation...) I'll not go back to "him". Ever, as long as I live. But...there will be consequences, so we are planning around them. We will relocate to another City , by necessity and I will do the best I can day by day, to enjoy the inner awareness and personal satisfaction of living my life on my own terms, in a skirt, heels , long hair and boobs. We will avoid the places where we have been prior, so old acquaintances will not "connect the dots". I'll change my name...and my Wife will change hers, to ones unrelated. After that point, I'll not see my daughters again. We may converse long distance, letters or e-mail, but no face-to-face. I don't want either of us to have to contend with the certain recriminatory drama. I'll not see my three siblings either...my younger Brother is a career Preacher in the Church of Christ. Enough said. The other two...pretty much in "lock-step". Will that hurt me..? No, I don't really think so. We have been drifting far apart for many years. But...does it bother me that I can't openly spend time them, enjoying each other's company and companionship. Yes...it does. I see me as someone becoming the true and whole person of the me inside.
They would all see something else entirely...and brutally beat the drum to collect the Inquisitors.
If it were still legal...my Brother would burn me at the stake. He's mentioned it years ago.

Lacey, by tone and composition of your message, you demonstrate a depth and compassion so longed for by so many of us. I "applaud" your frank introspection and well understand your "why".We have needs and desires, but don't "see" normal societal acceptance in recognition. Please don't forego your "self" to be a accepted. At the end of the day, the importance of who we are by what we embody, will never actually be as "important" to anyone else as it is to ourselves. Can we openly profess and exhibit the person within, publicly. Certainly. Will we actually enjoy an open acceptance of the "who" we are , instead of the "what" we look like. Probably, if ever, to a limited degree. Perhaps. Some day. Painlessly ?
Maybe, a good deal less than that. Will "that" dissuade me, or many like me ? No..but some will sadly, ashamedly suffer quietly in the shadows, fearful of exposure, confused and conflicted over thoughts and feelings uncommon to them, unsure of who they are or what to call themselves...( as if it really matters...) struggling with the internal desire to show the ones important to them, who they really are...but hide in anxiety of non-acceptance. I wish them "Peace in their Hearts", because that's about the only place some will find it. I'm going to "put my cards on the table"...win or lose...I'm going to do the best I can with what I've got to work with...inside and out, day after day, "accepted" or not. But that's me.

Is that going to be good enough. Don't know yet. Check the stone when they fill in the Grave.

I only know with certainty, that I will suffer the consequences of the Damned, to be who I actually am, rather than being someone...less. I'll pay the toll, whatever the price, for the privilege.
Though deep down inside, I wish and hope, for my Wife and I, something much, much better....
I think in the end..the only person who will really , unconditionally accept me...is me.
Truly alone "in the light"...I'd better like the real "me" , a lot. Perhaps, some others will, too.
We shall see...
Nicci

[Wesley]

I have mentioned this before and might be helpful. . .

During my mid 30's I had a break up with a woman, who, well, "Went a little funny in the head" and felt the need to make sure every person that we knew mutually was aware that I was a crossdresser. . . and a few other less plesant and untrue things.

I decided at that point, I was not going to be blackmailed or threatned with my crossdressing and told everyone that, YES, I did crossdress. Parents, close friends. . everyone she told. . .

In spite of the fact that it seemed the worse possible time and worse possible circumstance. . NO ONE CARED. . . Parents already knew. . Best friend figured it out beforehand. . everyone else said, OK. . .and that was it. .

I looked at it from the perspective that if people really cared about me it would not matter. If it really bothered someone, they would not associate with me. . . That did not even happen.

Crossdressing is only a part of who you are. People do not need to know all the specifics and they don't want to. Just letting that secret out can be SO empowering. . . and SO liberating.

[Lacey Hadley]

I have mentioned this before and might be helpful. . .

During my mid 30's I had a break up with a woman, who, well, "Went a little funny in the head" and felt the need to make sure every person that we knew mutually was aware that I was a crossdresser. . . and a few other less plesant and untrue things.

I decided at that point, I was not going to be blackmailed or threatned with my crossdressing and told everyone that, YES, I did crossdress. Parents, close friends. . everyone she told. . .

In spite of the fact that it seemed the worse possible time and worse possible circumstance. . NO ONE CARED. . . Parents already knew. . Best friend figured it out beforehand. . everyone else said, OK. . .and that was it. .

I looked at it from the perspective that if people really cared about me it would not matter. If it really bothered someone, they would not associate with me. . . That did not even happen.

Crossdressing is only a part of who you are. People do not need to know all the specifics and they don't want to. Just letting that secret out can be SO empowering. . . and SO liberating.

Thank you Wesley, Very fruitful point of view and I can say it is a POV I can agree with. Whether I have the courage to do it is another thing though, but you make 100% sense to me.

[Emily]

This is a question I've asked myself time and time again. Friends, family... S/O. No one knows about Lexi and sometimes, that can really bring me down.

Have I ever confided in anyone? Once, yes... I tried, but that was many years ago.

CD'ing for me began at an early age... Maybe around 7 or 8 when the urge to dress in mom's things began. And though it never really left, opportunity was rare. As I got older, my main interests were in music, hanging out with friends and girls. Every now and then, I would sneak the G/F's things and play my own game of dress up - and of course never telling anyone.

Fast forward a few years and a few relationships later, living on my own and really stating to explore this side of me for the first time. It was wonderful, but I was very limited in my knowledge about cross-dressing, so I never took it to the next level. I really wish I had - things might have been quite different for me if I had. That was about 15 years ago and you can't change the past...

A few months later, I started dating a wonderful, open-minded woman who was, at the time, quite involved in the LGBT community. She was the first and only person I ever confided in. I told her about my love of panties, stockings, pantyhose, bras, slips... That was about the extent to my dressing back in those days. I explained that I had tried on dresses, skirts - but that it just wasn't my thing. (It is now, but at the time, it really wasn't.) She was clearly surprised and maybe even slightly shocked to hear that this. After several loooong talks, she reluctantly accepted that her boyfriend liked to wear women's underwear from time to time.

Eventually we moved in together. And one night (much to my surprise!) she dressed me up. She dressed me up so beautifully... First, I shaved completely, and afterwards, she did my hair, applied my make up - she even bought me a brand new pair of pantyhose and lent me one of her long, black satin slips for the evening. Oh god - how I loved every minute of it!!! She, on the other hand did not like it at all. Even though she is accepting of all people (straight/gay/bi/trans/CD/race, religion, rich, poor... whatever/whoever you are) she just could not accept this side of me. She wanted a man. "If I want a woman, I would be with a woman." she explained to me. So just as I was becoming more self aware of this whole, brand new, exciting other side of me, my feelings were quickly quashed.

The next day, she got rid of all my fem things (even though I really didn't have a much at the time). I was able to however, save my favourite pair of panties - dug them right out of the trash I did. She was furious when she found out what I had done!! Called me at work and threatened to tell my parents, tell my work, tell my friends... I left work right after the conversation terrified that she might tell on me. I went home and we had ourselves another long, long conversation about it. Needless to say, I told her that I was sorry, that I was wrong, that I shouldn't have snuck the panties out of the trash and then try to hide them.

About a year and a half later we moved to separate places - things were not going well, and I was pretty miserable, but we said that we would still try to maintain the relationship. Maybe we should have broken up, but we didn't. I still cared for her deeply. Plus, she was a single mom and I knew she needed my support, so we carried on and things got better. We are still together to this day! But over the past ten years or so, with all this time to myself, Lexi has really taken on a life of her own. My dressing has gone way beyond women's lingerie and while I would LOVE to tell my GF about Lexi, I just CAN'T. Not sure why... Maybe its the fear that she might still tell on me... Or, maybe its because I don't want to see her hurt? I know it would hurt her. As a matter of fact, I don't quite know how she would react but I think she just might lose it altogether. And I think that deep down, that is what keeps me quiet.

I have thought about telling my sister, or telling a couple of my good friends - I may one day if it feels right to do so. But I tell you... those days when I can get all dressed up and be transformed into someone completely different... those days when I can put on my favourite bra, my size 'D' forms, a brand new pair of black pantyhose, my best form-fitting dress, do my make up, put on my wig, put in my sparkly earrings with matching necklace and bracelets... those are the days that I just want to scream it out to the world!

But I don't.

I confide in no one.

I wish I could, but I don't think I can. At least not right now. For now, I am happy to be part of this forum where Lexi can be her fabulous femme self and have some good girl talks in chat with other ladies who accept Lexi. For now, that's good. For now, that helps... probably more than I even know.

[Lacey Hadley]

Hi Lexi,


A few moments for my thoughts.

1: I found it made me angry to read your GF took all your femme clothes and threw them out. It was not her property to dispose of. Imagine if you will you going through her clothes and throwing out clothes of hers you found bothersome or untasteful to you. Do you think she'd be ok with that? If she found that you being a crossdresser was too distasteful to her she should have approached you on it as a mature adult and discuss how you two would incorporate you having a need to crossdress and YES it's a need not a hobby. To deny a part of WHO YOU ARE will only break down the relationship and maybe even you as a person. IMO if your GF can't handle any aspect of you being a crossdresser it may be best to move on.

2: I find now as I get more mature and see that my life has been affected pro and con by my crossdressing, that I see how even people who say they love you as a friend and a family member may be totally selfish to you being happy for yourself. ALL IS FINE AS LONG AS NOBODY KNOWS THAT YOU ARE A CROSSDRESSER! Your family, friends, SO etc are 100% A'OK with you being 'Joe in drab male.' But for some you may know, family, SO, friends if you reveal you innocently crossdress well CRAP hits the fan even though what we do does not hurt them nor any others and it keep us sane.

The lyrics posted below are from Alanis Morissette "Perfect".

I post them here as to me this song exemplifies how often people we know who say they love us want us to mold our lives to their perfect ideals. It often is not enough for us to find solace and happiness but only to live for others. I think its disgusting. I'll be a better person, family member, friend, lover, SO etc. if I can be myself and not have to put on a show or a faux face of happiness and solidarity to the ideals of others.

"Perfect"

Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face

Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder

How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet

Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud

I'll live through you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem...why are you crying

Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect


as I read those lyrics, None of us want to disappoint others especially those we love. We in this case as cders just want to find our 'zen' in our lives. We truly hurt nobody but only seem to other's expectations, ours thoughts seem to many we may know and love not to matter. Being unconventional, being a- typical does not make one bad.



I just want to feel,

[Wesley]

Lacey,

Thank you for the agreement on what I had said. At least I know I am not totally crazy. . .

I was thinking about the issue after your last missive. One thing that occures to me is that sometimes we try too hard to please other people when it is not within our power. It just cannot be done. . But we repeat the same script and keep trying anyway. At some point, people reach a point where they have been disappointed enough that trying to live up to others expectations is not a doable thing, we realize that and adopt a "thats life" sort of attitude. Perhaps we have to go through a certain number of heart breaks to say, we are not going to let others hurt us.

The thing that sticks with me, was what a non issue it was with the people close to me, when I announced that yes, I crossdressed. No one made a production of it, and it was gone with the new day. As I indicated, no one disowned me or stopped associating with me. I have no doubt there are petty people like that in the world, but you have to ask if they are the sort you even want to associate with?

Another interesting point. . Watching the evolution of crossdressing BBS to forums and such. . I have seen a couple of generations of crossdressers come and go. . Most all of the older generation (that fought WWII) Kept it to themselves. almost without exception, when the spouse found out, it was treated as a very serious violation of trust, on the level of an affair. I can understand that. . . Such a deep and personal secret, such a significant part of the other persons life (for women) is a very basic betrayal.

Over time, acceptance seems to now be, (for baby boomers) mostly hit and miss. Some, when discovered have the frankenstein reaction. . .RUN AWAY. . . KILL THE MONSTER. . but many have come to terms. . some are "allowed to dress" when she is not home, or allowed to dress part time. .. Some are forbidden . . .

In my case, I have mentioned that none of my wives or intimate girlfriends have ever had an issue with it. That does not mean I told every girlfriend I did not. . but most of the time, if the relationship was sexual, I made her aware of my crossdressing. . and it was always out in the open and discussed before marriage.

No one has put limitations or had issues with daily underdressing or crossdressing (including children who were told when young). . .My Personal opinion is, that giving the person time to absorb the idea, ask quesitons and introduce it slowly is helpful. . No sudden, We are going to a nice restaruant, and I am wearing a minidress with 5" heels and 48DDD breastforms. . .

ONE HAS to remember, (and I think this is where many transgender people go wrong) that woman accepted you as a MAN first. . .If your relationship is predicated on that, you cannot just expect to change the parameters like microsoft changes their TOS agreement. If you present one day, and say,

"Well dear, I've thought about it, I am a woman trapped in a mans body and want to get the "twigs and berries removed" sort of thing. . . Consider your reaction if wife came to you and said, I am having a change and next week will be a man! Forgetting the basics of the relationship WILL lead to disaster. You may be fine with changing sex. . but the wife, who married a MAN is not going to be so enthuased.

Same with crossdressing. . . if someone goes overboard full time all the time, you have changed the TOS agreement. . and bad results will likely follow. if you want to take a bit, and be feminine. . . remember to give and be masculine as well. . The exception being if your relationship was based on your change of gender or sex. . . (please no lectures on interchangability, I use the phrase subjectively. )


The impression I am getting from kids today. . 30 and under, is that generally, it is much more accepted and tolerated. Which is of course great! We will likely be seeing young men crossdressing in public with regularity. (or will we?) At any rate, as time goes on, the behavior is more accepted.

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

Every relationship is different. How we preface that relationship, how we establish WHO we are and WHAT we are about makes a big difference. When we are children, we generally have no choice and accept the role assignments given to us, sexual or otherwise. Over time, as we mature, that dynamic changes. We can pick and choose what we want people to know, and more importantly, what sort of people we want to be around. There is a point were even the parental dynamic changes and we have greater power over our own parents. At that point, they can choose to accept or not.

The trick is to be comfortable and confident enough in ourselves that we are not going to let the thoughts and opinions of others force us into molds that we do not want to be part of. Life is all about choices. Be careful of the ones you make.

Regards,
Wesley