My next goal

[Anne Bonny]

For myself...it's all about this is who I am. So changing into "the ugly skirt" with a top and some pumps along with the rest of what we wear with it then just brush out my hair and to the style adding only some lipstick I will be going out to run so no need for the rest. I then realized that I am quite comfortable with who I am, that I like the way that I look, and "wow, this skirt is really comfortable." I do tend to dress a lot and with warmer weather it is nice to be able to move into skirts and dresses again if I like, that is I am able to wear whatever I am wanting to wear depends on my mood, how feminine I feel.

I know I am not a girl who carries myself out the door after grabbing my purse and keys...I am a lot more open about who I am with a lot of people. Hey, I really am not fully male...have to admit that to myself too. How many guys do you know out there have had thoughts and desires like ours!? If you are honest then you have to admit guys who are fully male and masculine don't, while we certainly do, a lot and frequently nearly all the time every day it is present so much we do not even realize it and for myself It has been since about age 9 when I became aware enough to say I like this...and through my entire life up to ...I will be 61 on March 8th! Yeah I am different than most all other men...our tiny fragment of the male population are not fully male. We are a kind of hybrid if we are gender fluid as I am.

I suppose what I am saying I mean it is obvious I fully accept who I am and now that I am here I am very comfortable allowing myself to be the woman that I am when she comes into this sense of myself..or into my awareness that she is here and present at this time within me.

My work going forward is absolutely to be able to grab my purse and keys and head out that door! I am not ready for that but it is in my thoughts. It is not that I have never been out...but only extremely rarely when my feminine was very confident and riding very high. I do get discouraged about having a male body, feeling ridiculous at times...my male self will attack me when he is present and my female is not at the wheel. My male self also has a right to be and he flies under the radar because no one suspects he is different at all from other men.

Right now I describe being in public dressed would feel like I am out in public naked! At nearly 61...well would hate to be 91 when I am finally out in public! What a huge thing to miss out on...to have had the gift of being feminine of being a woman in part but to have never allowed her the pure and absolute freedom my male self does not even think about at all. We carry this fear and we feel all of those pressures who want us kept under a rock somewhere...61 soon and it is infuriating that I have managed to let those evil people win they have been successful in pressuring me to stay under a rock...but it is also if blame is to be cast...then I have to blame myself as well. We harm and hurt no one be being who we are yet we are perfectly willing to let the Christian "shariah" bottle us up into wearing our own version of the "burka" which is male clothing when our female self is there. We have only ourselves to blame in the end, our lack of courage, our lack of confidence, and our inability to advocate for ourselves in our own minds to defeat all of these pressures and negatives inside our head...many probably most of which are of our own imaginings.

[Noeleena]

Hi ,

One of the details that gets me is this male / girl difference , plus this masculine / feminine difference.and that all depends on what your wearing.or made up.my problem is how do I talk about it when none of that applys to me,

How do I describe the differences in feeling , how do I describe whats it like being a masculine guy when I never have been or even born one. when and I still do talking with guys quite a few.and we talk about sexual matters as that's some thing I,m studying reading and finding out as much as I can or whats it really like being a guy sexually. in thoughts feelings and just whats it like ,

Why would a guy wont to give all that up to be like a woman .
I thought one of the driving forces for a guy is his sexual side and it being so strong and why is it so importaint take that away and he,s lost the plot lost his maleness, and for some feels worthless,

for some they could not handle having their tubes tied and the comments I heard, from guys,

OH WOW..... it was like you just killed him .

Okay my side. a bit different ,

Born female with abnormalitys yes one out of every 7000 females sexually we have issues, to work through corrective surgerys do help in some aspects yet don't really, I was looking at more , though coming to the concusion it wont be worth going through and I,v had lots of surgerys so know full well whats involved , how my body works and performs and my own hormones what they do and cant do .

so those of you who wont to be like women what prospects do you see in changing having surgerys and living in a womans role, do you think its worth all the hassle and those other issues you seem to go through.,

Have you thought 20 maybe 30 years ahead, what then how you will fare in life or for some just some dressing is more than enough or as some will say a bit of a sexual interlude and some fun.

One of our son,s said to accept difference it would have been better had I been a crossdresser. in some ways I think he was right , just he did not see past the fact I was . am a female and that cant be changed, ..oh we get on well he has accepted that I,m different ,just he does not know about those of us who are the ones born with abnormalities, maybe one day I,ll tell him though doubt he will fully accept with that I,m an intersexed female,

So sexually I really don't have a lot going for me though I really ...knew....

brain working over time .

was one thing I left out clothes, now many say they don't like their male clothes and when they have been dressed hate having to change back into male clothes,

This is where its different for me , I really don't care how I,m dressed in maleish clothes or femaleish clothes, has no effect on me I,m at home in ether ,and seen in ether in uniform or overall,s ,if you like I dress for the job in hand or the do or what ever is going on.

...noeleena...

[Anne Bonny]

I think what you're missing...oh and happy belated Waitangi Day...ha! Is yes...physically we are born male...the problem is not there the problem is seated where our sense of who we are resides and our sense of who we happen to be, in my case wanders and has always done since I became aware of this around age 9. I am now 60, will be 61 on March 8th. Yes I have lived the majority of my life in the male role because... there was no other option available for me...I would have had to fight tooth and nail against full on resistance rather than having all the skids greased for me throughout my life by being a model son, young man, and husband. I did it that way so I fit in throughout high school, college, and my career and now I am enjoying the reward through luck and hard work of a comfortable and secure retirement with full benefits and cost of living adjustments. Had I fought tooth and nail...no telling where I would be I do not handle stress well so .... who knows. Ok I took the easy way out and kept it all in the closet at times wearing the "Burqua" of male clothing at times even when inside I was feeling female. I was not always suffering what they call "gender dysphoria" because when my sense of who I am matched by physical body...I felt male...it was fine. But my whole life my sense of myself has wandered or faded in and out varying from moment to moment to months...For the past few years this variation of who I feel I am within my sense of self slides back and forth several times a day to every day or so. It is madness. As I have always said when I feel female I strongly prefer and desire dressing accordingly so that I feel fully consistent inside and out. I am heterosexual...love only women at all times am only attracted to women period...married we have two sons that I fathered....and my wife near the end in very late bedridden helplessness due to Alzheimer's Dementia...this is the 26th and 6 month of our marriage and I am her at times very grief ridden loving husband who is her sole caregiver. I have been faithful and true and will be here for her to the bitter end.

I know there are many who believe we are mentally ill, that all this transgenderism is nonsense and is a false nonexistent trumped up fraud. Well...if I were mentally ill I have certainly been quite focused and have taken care of business throughout my life. I do not deny I am and always will be a man...but my sense of who I am varies. I share desires, feelings, interests with women and with men but do not fit in fully with women or men. Men do not have these thoughts, feelings interests or desires...so I cannot claim to be fully male. On the other hand I cannot claim to be fully female either with my male body and I do not share all their thoughts, feelingsk, interests, and desires just some of them. Obviously I cannot conceive, bear children, give birth, and instinctively be a mother childrearing....I do not menstruate....I am male!!!!

I can only state the I am who I am, and I will be who I am to the end of my life. I hope I can find a woman who just loves me period and who does not care about all of this because I am still a loving and worthwhile person. I do hope I can with her assistance get over venturing out in public or visiting with friends or driving around however I happen to be feeling any particular day...what on earth should how I feel or look matter to anyone who is worth having as a friend? I have this wonderful gift and I have every right to simply live and be who I happen to be and for myself that will always be as someone who varies because my sense of who I am is not fixed in place otherwise my life would have been conventional and rather boring in that respect.