Crossdressers-Haven.com

When I look back through my pictures over the past few years...I am amazed at all the pictures of my feminine self I have taken...and many I really admire and think gaw...in many I really do look, well for my self...rather nice. It impresses on me just how prevalent this is in my life. And it should be because this does represent a lot of who I am and why shouldn't it!? Past few days it has not been there much...but that's ok too! It is nice to be a sensible lady...and also a man too. Others do not live this wonderful full kaleidoscopic spectrum of existence. It is too bad most disapprove of it, but that is their loss. It is nice to see and to understand things others do not, or to be in a way others will never know of either. I get to see some of both a woman's and a man's world...perhaps the best of both worlds.

I am older, it is too bad that I lost my chance to live more openly when I was younger and when I looked better but I am now able to move more in this direction and with much fewer reservations. I know for a fact that I cannot have as a partner any woman who would not love and embrace all of who I am enthusiastically. That such women can only be found in places I do not normally look but that does not mean that I cannot find a loving laid back woman who shares my interests and outlook on live.

It is wonderful to sway back and forth from female to male with ease governed by internal guides. It is sad that so many do not approve but I am not able to do anything about that and I am certainly not about to waste any effort on those who will never turn to accept who I am.

I do finally feel as If I am more at peace with who I am, and the loss of the love of my life to Alzheimer's 2.5 years ago.
I feel a little more relaxed...I can swim, skimboard, ride my bike, walk, run, sail, kayak, ride in my new Explorer...ok, if nobody wants me...well screw them all. I could go stay at Gulf Shores or go on a cruise (maybe post covid)... I know a few dance moves....have a nice camera the Canon T7i with a few lenses etc... and how to use it. I suppose I finally do feel that I can on my own do and enjoy these kinds of things even if I must do them alone. That is an important shift because it seems to indicate an ability to enjoy life even if it must be without anyone else there anymore.

I am a bit of an amateur photographer and have been since getting my first camera as a 12th birthday present. As you can imagine I have taken literally 1000's of photographs over the years and still have most of them even today plus countless others people have given me. As time went on I put many of the better and significant ones into albums and there is a 4 shelf book case in my bedroom almost completely full of these albums.

Not going into why but over the past month or so I have gotten many of those albums out and gone through them. The memories of the good times, the high points in my life, the images of those I love now gone are all there. I am talking images like the last photograph taken with my new camera of my one grandfather before he passed away shortly after my 12th birthday to photos of both my weddings to the picture of my mother and her 3 children taken the only Christmas I had with her after I reconciled with my family to ... Well you get the picture! Yes there have been some tears looking at many of those pictures but looking at those images that brought tears have also brought smiles. I close the album and think of what could have been then realize life is not about what could have been but what is.

Anne you like me and everyone else has been through rough times, setbacks, even tragedies in our lives. However along with these there have been good times, moments of joy, and victories. Simply put life is not fair or just, rather it just is! I have always found that while those bad times are always there in my memory banks it is the thoughts of the good times that get me out of bed every morning in the pursuit of something better. I do freely admit in perhaps the darkest time of my life I questioned why me and thought I could never be happy or love again but still for whatever reason I plundered forward. Not sure if it was because I kept going or in spite of it but slowly but surely a light returned to my life and showed me there is a life beyond for me.

Anne the tone of this post tells me you have turned the corner. For perhaps the first time I see hope and an eye to the future in your words rather than looking back and a "poor me" attitude. I am not saying you should forget the past. You can even curse the hand life has dealt you, we all have. Still there are no redo's. No going back and changing the past,. No making right that which you felt you were wronged by. Life is for living and I for one am glad you are finally ready to do just that.

It's great to hear that your outlook on life is getting more positive Anne! I know the loss of your wife, after the years of struggling with the illness and all the support you gave her during those years was really devastating to you. And I know it's trite and not helpful but one cannot go back, there's no do-overs as Diane said, and all any of us has is the next days, months and years (hopefully).
But it takes a while, it takes a long while to retrain the thinking of your brain to focus on the nice things remaining in your life. After I was divorced I was very bitter, pessimistic, drank too much, and generally obnoxious for years (maybe still am????) It was tempting to think that marrying her was the worst thing I'd ever done - but if I hadn't then I wouldn't have my kids now. And my kids are great, they are worth a million times more than any grief I went through with their mother. So to the extent possible I try to ignore all that stuff that happened, and concentrate on enjoying this time with my kids.
Hopefully I still have a decade or two left in me. There are plenty of fun things to do in life either by myself or with my kids, or even other family and friends. So yeah, get out there and have fun!!!