Getting Out and about?

[Jessie]

First off this has nothing about going out crossdressed. What I want to ask is if my crossdressing or maybe other socal phobias gives me uhm .... the abilty to not go out and try and date at all. I have never in my life go out on a date and by this time it I have trouble being out in groups of people I do not know. I feel sometimes like I am conflicted between two sides and my more dominate side is always winning the battle. To give you an example I was at the mall last week (it was really busy) and I suddenly felt sick slightly I just did not want to be around so many people. If I can avoide it I no longer travel on a plane as I prefere driving long distance by my self.

What can I make of all this? I am afraid that I never leared the suttles of going out with people that are learned in highschool. This then followed my into collage and did not really get out until my last year of collage but only do to the fact that I made a friend that last year that kind of forced me (in a sense) to go out and do things.

Jessie

[Anita]

Hi Jessie--
The quick answer is nearly always to say that you could benefit from some professional help, especially since it sounds like you're getting more sensitive to all this. I'm talking more about your unhappiness with crowds of people.

I'm not sure how you go back and learn all those social skills that (you're right) are usually developed in high school. To bring crossdressing in for a moment, it's one of the problems we all have when out dressed as women--we have to learn basic girl social skills that we missed on the way up.

More to the point--you've got to be interested enough in other people that you WANT to learn these skills. It doesn't come easy to learn and practice them, and you need a strong incentive for wanting to have the skills.

If you really want to date, then that might be the place to start. I'm glad you've got at least one friend to sound out ideas with.

But in closing, I'd have to go back to the standard line from any Dear Abby column, and that is to pick something you're really interested in doing, and go find a group that does what you love to do. Maybe that's crossdressing, even...
Good luck!
Anita

[Jessie]

Thank you Anita, I shall take it to heart as to what you said. I was seeing a psycolgist (a phd) which was REALLY expensive and then my insurance company laid down this "we will only pay for the forst 6 sessions in a year" or something like that now they changened again where mental health is barely even covered. The problem I had at seeing that psycolgist is that he is a family friend and I see him several times outside the office which made it even more uncotrable. I felt really hard at telling personal things. I somtimes worry that people are always talking about me behind my back which makes insucer. This year however whith getting my car loan finally paid off I shall have more money to maybe spend on my mental well being.

Jessie

[CJ]

Hi Jessie,

Anita's right: try to see if you couldn't find a way to gradually broaden your circle of friends by meeting people with whom you share a common interest or passion.

Your psychologist is also a social acquaintance, eh? A friend of the family, no less? Hmmm. I'm not sure how helpful or therapeutic this can be. If you feel that, for that reason, you find yourself withholding information and holding back feelings about your situation, you should probably consider seeking out a more objective ear.

As for the social skills you feel you may be lacking, just remember that we all have our own way of being in the world. Somewhere out there, there's a person looking for someone like you (and if that's untrue, then I, for one, am in deeper doo-doo than I thought... ). Seriously, I'm also a shy person; yet (and although currently experiencing "interconnection downtime"), I've always managed to become involved in relationships with the most wonderful women and to find happiness and joy and growth in those relationships, despite my own perceived lack of social skills.

Give yourself a bit of time. Remain open to possibilities. Don't be too hard on yourself. Stay away from large crowds. Talk to someone you trust about how you feel. Try not to worry about what people may be thinking (check out Nancy's signature). Be yourself. People will come to you.

Take care of yourself, Jessie.

Love,
CJ

[S. Lisa Smith]

I have to agree wholeheartily with CJ! I'm somewhat surprised that a social friend agreed to see you in a professional matter. When I went through my major depression in '85, I talked to a friend who is a psychologist. He flat refused to see me, but gave me a referal.

CJ's advise about relaxing and giving yourself some time is true. Take time to talk to people and try and be open and friendly with them.

[Jessie]

What's funny is that crossdressing relaxies me espcially if I had a stressful day at work (I know how stressful can watching tv be for ten hours at a time). I thought is that I hit my thirties last year and am not sure if I can develope social skills or am stuck in my ways.

Jessie

[S. Lisa Smith]

You're not stuck unless you allow yourself to be stuck. Take baby steps, we all had to learn sometime.